Ant Murdering She Devil
@ShelleyElwood
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1,122
Following
883
Media
6,341
Statuses
161,984
"food-motivated but still kind of uptight" sabre-toothed tiger teenbot Probably a human being. Amateur Candy Witch. Happy Color Profiteer. Pomeranian
Marshalls Creek PA
Joined October 2009
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Newt Gingrich is trapped in Italy. This is my first genuine laugh of the day
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@BBomber718
@aprettyPR
Two weeks, he lasted two weeks and then dumped the sister out and stole her phone, this is beyond cold, this is sociopathic
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@nytopinion
Women: sacrifice your bodily autonomy and economic freedom, David here thinks there are more important things that would affect people he actually values as human beings.
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@AITA_reddit
I sincerely doubt they were going to cough up the $1000 for 72 hours of babysitting at $15/hr, either, they just figured it was her duty as a young childless woman. NTA
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@clapifyoulikeme
For years, I though British, Irish, Kiwi & Aussie songwriters had amazing creative turns of phrases until I started watch UK murder shows and found out they were all just common idioms every nan says
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@The_Nineth_Lion
@redditships
Three years in, not living together, I have a strong hunch that she was not under the impression they were on the verge of a proposal
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@ZTPetrizzo
When I was in junior high, the cops came and arrested my 13-year-old classmate (in front of the entire school!) for making a false call to 911. Let's hope the same rules apply to adult baby people, even when they are Republicans
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@MJaMitchell
@carlysintothat
"When I say I want a dog who is approximately 1 sq yd, it is not because I intend to use that puppy or 100 others to make a coat"
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@DouthatNYT
I'm so sorry current children's movies aren't satisfying your masturbatory needs, Ross
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@DanaSchwartzzz
Olivia still doing the "I'm not hot, I'm just a scruffy nerd" thing, it's exhausting
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998
@npanxx
@KangasMom1
@mindrobots
@TechGuyGuy
@grmpyprogrammer
@mattwhitlockPM
Adjusting HOR and VERT to make the picture stop being wavy.
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834
@FuckYouBanks
@MJStarLover
@WAVYBlNT
@halimaaaat
Like you would turn down a threesome with two gorgeous movie stars? Please.
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683
@circuspunk
@AITA_reddit
Also the part about how "the baby" would be out of town with his wife
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773
@504LaFlAme
@CarlinReeseWIP
I'm sorry women won't talk to you, but it's pretty clear that's your own fault.
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@thecjpearson
@jamiekilstein
No, no, sweetie, she didn't. She was bankrolled by her father in business, traded on his name since birth, and is only in that room today because she was illegally allowed to be by this ethically compromised shitshow
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@profgalloway
Hi, we women had a meeting and decided we'd rather the stock market be abolished than have you force us to suck random mens' dicks. Thank you.
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@martinvars
You hired a personal taxi to drive you from NYC to Philly? And you are surprised your private limo ride was expensive? Wow.
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@yoganerdmd
@Wyndgrove
@hotoynoodle
@FuckYouBanks
@MJStarLover
@WAVYBlNT
@halimaaaat
The rare threesome where every participant has bragging rights.
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@kathrinepandell
@redditships
"Simp" is just the new word horrible men have substituted for screaming "gay" at other (usually better) men
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@Maladroithe
We've watched Paul Hollywood repeatedly be confused by peanut butter. "Peanut butter and CHOCOLATE? What a daring combination!" he says earnestly
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@Freeyourmindkid
Jesus, Debbie shouts out Fab Five Freddy in the lyrics and he's IN THE VIDEO.
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@louisebjacob
Ah, we've moved on from the ventriloquist dummies saying, "No, don't punish any of us" to the "if you think about it, it's EVERYONE'S fault" portion of the absolute bullshit
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@tiannathewriter
In the (lesser) Men's category, it has to go to Toby Stephens of Black Sails
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@CountessOfMot
@AITA_reddit
The SIL works in a French restaurant where there are almost certainly snails and frogs on the menu
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@ryanobles
@TimMurtaugh
They do know there was a live video of that definitely not happening, right?
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@AITA_reddit
Funny how it's his house but when it's her bees suddenly he's all about shared marital ownership
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@goldengateblond
The bride and groom waxed poetic at the rehearsal dinner about how they had instantly connected when they met 6 months earlier over their mutual love of Red Bull and vodka
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@NYPDnews
Step one: create onerous gatekeeping "credentialing" process
Step two: violate the first amendment and pretend it's fine
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@DanaSchwartzzz
I would be more inclined to believe that man is a secret child of John Lennon
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@gesinebp
Early Xers represent, this is my school's 1981 yearbook staff (I am front row, second from left)
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@jh_swanson
Definitely police procedural tv shows, though I often end up shouting at the screen and have to bounce if they get too insanely right wing
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@AITA_reddit
Yeah, no, he's making it very clear he's not in a relationship so you may as well make it official and cut ties
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@quitabunnies
@redditships
He's worried they can't build trust, says the guy who is afraid to go upstairs in his own home and whose wife has a secret Amazon account and he won't directly ask her wtf is going on
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@eeberquist
They put me in charge one year of making the cards for a formal dinner to show who had the chicken and who had the beef and for the chicken I did this and they never asked me again
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@AITA_reddit
You can't regift to the person who gave you that gift, ffs, you are basically letting them know you hated the gift they gave you (and she got the message loud and clear). YTA
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@Nicole_Cliffe
Rented a room to an old woman who turned out to be a pathological hoarder, filled her room and the entire refrigerator with garbage, found packets of stuff in the yard months after she moved out. She ended up being run over by a recycling truck she was trying to rob.
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@MicheleNtmitch
@KateHarding
@KaraCalavera
And most were only pretending to be stabbed anyway. I carry this knife dripping with blood mostly for fashion.
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@gin__erso
@redditships
"If one person has cake saying she's 19, everyone at that table is 19, that's the law"
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@AITA_reddit
Such a saint, having to listen to her throw up while he's laying in bed
@gin__erso
@nursegemrn
There is no way the workload is split remotely 50-50
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@Nicole_Cliffe
My House moment was the B plot where a woman almost died because she didn't wash her hands once after pooping
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@ThomboyD
I was in the last cohort to get the smallpox vax. My mom hated her own arm scar, so she got the doctor to give it to me on my butt, where it blends with my cellulite now
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@ReignOfApril
The best is if you point out to the bot/trolls that Obama wasn't POTUS in 2005, they say they meant the LA flooding in 2012 (not a thing).
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@redditships
She needs to tell her GF about this exchange because Jimmy is definitely going to get awful on this trip
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@AITA_reddit
Oh, lord, no, no wonder they want to pay you 200 times what a surrogate usually gets, your brother-in-law just wants to have sex with you, multiple times. No, no, absolutely not. Donate an egg, tops
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@RosemaryAubry
@marieberd
LOL, same age, and my mom also asked for me to get the shot in my butt because she hated her arm scar. Now it just blends with the cellulite
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@LucyXIV
@DavidFutrelle
The part where he's cooking a single chicken breast (and frozen corn) at *450F* for nearly an hour... yeah, that's going to be a little dry
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@rgoodlaw
@ABCWorldNews
If Pence has time for this PR rehab tour (and the media is giving him all the help in the world, clearly), he has time to testify under oath. What a coward.
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@AITA_reddit
You already sleep in separate rooms because he can't be assed to be a parent, may as well make it separate homes
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@WSJopinion
WSJ choosing Christmas to tell us toddlers should get jobs if they want to eat, the slackers
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@Sifill_LDF
I once made my mom transfer me schools in 3rd grade because I wasn't getting home in time for 4pm ST
1. City
2. Tomorrow Is Yesterday
3. Piece of the Action
4. Tribbles
5. Mirror Mirror
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@jacobinmag
They didn't become terrible people because great jobs and great women were denied to them. They were terrible people to begin with and so great jobs and great partners avoided them
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@toasterhead
@summerbrennan
Hey, cool. Where's the video telling Henry Kissinger to go knit?
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@redditships
"A person texted me a simple question that I ignored for an hour and then she asked the same question again, does that mean she like likes me?"
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@zaws
@Indivdiff
@mustachetoilet
Literally every country is having their leaders get publicly vaccinated, you strange person
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@YummyForeskin
@redditships
Which part of that explains why he thinks it's no big deal to vomit on his girlfriend?
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@TwoToTheFifth
@AITA_online
Seriously, the *hubris* of stealing your wife's wedding dress and family jewelry, and then waiting years to have your mistress wear them all, publicly, at your next wedding, to which you invite the co-workers from the job SHE got you
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@GlorionSenior
@ashleyfeinberg
Tends to break that way, but I bet there are some Susans out there feeling this tonight
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@SteveOsunsami
I am not friends with them anymore because they mocked me when I felt that way. Don't dish it out if you can't take it, babies
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@gin__erso
@redditships
"Every person in the restaurant including my friend who I called my wingman but who said he was actually trying to stop me called me a creepy weirdo but what I'm saying is do you think Natalie Portman has a teenage friend?"
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@men_write_women
"long-shaved legs" I cannot work out what this means (my mind is dwelling on that to shut out the rest)
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@clapifyoulikeme
@Nicole_Cliffe
"Middle American values and an aristocratic East Coast family background" equals there will be a prenup that penalizes her for adultery while assume he will have at least one mistress at all times
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@sIicksista
You sound like a great dinner companion, I can eat all the free bread and drink all the lemonade while you seethe
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@JessicaBiel
@FacebookWatch
@PurpleDishiepoo
@MarleeMatlin
Sorry, I've been vaccinated against watching anything you ever do from now on
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@redditships
The wife would "feel" violated because she is being violated. I'm sorry but that guy cannot live in your house ever
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@clapifyoulikeme
@NYMag
@TracieMorrissey
@lenibriscoe
Tracie pretending she broke the story about Hillary pretending is some meta shit
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@AndrewYang
Is this some kind of performance art where you propose the opposite of what New Yorkers want and see if you can still trick them into voting for you on pure name recognition?
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@clapifyoulikeme
@samaeriks
Okay, but maybe you could afford it if you tricked the other people into all venmoing you $50 and now you have $800, tada
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@redditships
It is almost adorable that Mr. White thinks we are going to buy that this is the only issue
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@Rwenchette
@AITA_reddit
"I'm not trying to objectify her, but I did trawl through her photos and beat off to one and then told all my friends that I did and which precise photo it was so they could beat off to it too"
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@maymaysiempre
@paulbullen
How old is this dude that he's pretending "Negro" was still in common use and he "switched" to black? Why is this elderly man getting into twitter fights? His college should ask him to retire, he is very, very old
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@such_hockey_wow
@AITA_reddit
She's soo sure her son is fertile, I'm wondering if that's magical thinking or because he already produced an illegitimate child she refuses to acknowledge
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@notcapnamerica
Ignorance. Their system allows elections for PM to be randomly scheduled. Ours decidedly does not.
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@finalfuryk
@AITA_reddit
Oh, because then he wouldn't get that "I told you so" moment after he forced her to eat something she doesn't eat
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@AITA_reddit
You're making your 17-year-old pay for their own medical treatments while you go on vacation, how on earth do you think you're not the asshole?
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@AlexThomp
Thanks for being clear that you only have ethics for people you like and/or men, though we kinda knew that
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@notcapnamerica
It's a virus, so you cannot get the exact same virus twice, but you can get a different strain of that virus even if you had one type already
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@CharmedMagnolia
The ABBA dudes made their exes sing songs in phonetic English about them moving on with much younger women
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@KHiveQueenBee
Not a Fallon fan, but I was happy he mostly just let her talk to a big, mostly white audience a couple weeks ago
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@DouthatNYT
So the new Republican/right wing position is that they should get to force companies to publish books the companies want to discontinue, by... what? Law? They want the government to control what private companies can publish, as long as it's dictated by the GOP? Wowser
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