royse
@Roysenotes
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microplastics collector
Seattle (sometimes Chi & LA)
Joined February 2011
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Pinned Tweet
my sister saw two unaccompanied little children in a trench coat giggling amongst themselves yesterday and i am absolutely howling
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i have chained my roommate to the kitchen table. i will be cutting him open to see if he’s a cake. he says he isn’t, but that’s exactly something a cake would say
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the last place i’d ever wanna be is in the path of my 25 pound cat’s absolutely devastating double barrel roll attack
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[getting a call from my dad]
dad: hey son. wanted to let you know that grandma fell while buying the ingredients for her famous chocolate cake and she’s not gonna make it
me: oh no
dad: yeah i’ll be making it instead
me: oh i thought you meant-
dad: because she’s dead
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the perks of being a wallflower is just the joker for awkward indie kids
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the papa john day of reckoning is upon us
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He is. so dumb but words truly cannot do justice how much i love him
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happy sunday. please enjoy this video of my sister holding our fat cat
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sorry my mom doesn’t let me listen to billie eilish past 8 pm or i get scared
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Hey! I’m so glad you reached out. I’m actually at capacity dealing with some personal stuff right now, and I don’t think i can hold appropriate space for you. Could we connect [later date or time] instead / Do you have someone else you could reach out to?
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Wish I could text my cat that I’m on my way home. But unfortunately he has no clue
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doctor: do you smoke weed?
me: nope i’m clean!
doctor: why
me: idk it just makes me anxious
doctor: you’re probably smoking the wrong shit. who’s ur dealer?
me: what
doctor: who is ur fuckin dealer
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girl on bumble: hey :) ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
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me: *getting down on one knee* babe?
my indie gf: omg
me: i want u to be the bon to my iver. the mac to my demarco. the father john to my misty. the smi to my ths. the portugal. to my the man
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me: can I have sour cream, cheese, and just a little bit of lettuce
chipotle employee, dumping an ungodly amount of romaine lettuce, I’m talkin enough lettuce to fill a bathtub, but like one of those jacuzzi bathtubs you find in 5-star hotels: is that good
me: ya
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me: sometimes I just feel like i’ll never overcome my anxiety
person who puts thin mints in the freezer: have you ever tried putting thin mints in the freezer
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just met a retired woman who adopts elderly dogs and pushes them around town in a stroller. god i wish that were me
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can’t stop looking at this photo of my cat getting caught red handed doing whatever the hell she’s doing
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choose your white dad fighter:
-wears new balance
-“fiscally conservative but socially liberal”
-yells at his wife and kids at six flags
-really into guitars
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[showing up to airport]
airline gate agent: i’m so sorry but your flight’s been cancelled
me: but it’s nice weather?
airplane: i honestly don’t think women should be paid as much as men
me: wow this flight is cancelled sis
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friend: so how’s the dating life?
[flashback to two months ago when a girl messaged me on tinder and i immediately got scared and deleted the app]
me: it’s good
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I know we’re all laughing at Travis Kelce’s posts for how childish and simple they sound but I cannot stress enough that this is just how people tweeted in 2011
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i have a name
420-pound pig who lived on Chinese takeout has been rescued by firefighters
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my freshly brushed teeth: who gon check me boo?
orange juice:
🍊🍊🍊🍊
🍊 👁 👁 🍊
🍊 👃 🍊
🍊 👄 🍊
🍊🍊🍊🍊
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going for a jog around LA in a shirt that says CHICAGO so all the hot singles in my area think i ran 2000 miles
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did u know rex orange county isn’t actually from orange county? aha 🙈 u can wear my beanie if u get cold
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doctor: you’ve been diagnosed with ebola
me: oh no! what’s The Cure
doctor: you kidding me?
*plays Friday I’m in love*
me: oh hell yeah this shit slaps
doctor: I know right? anyway you’re going to die
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babies dont bring anything to the table. oh you just took a poopy? i’ve done that literally thousands of times i don’t give a shit
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really bold move by nintendo to call this “news” but i respect their opinion
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i have no idea what gossip girl is about so here’s my attempt. please leave feedback in the comment section below
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me at 6: i have a crush on po the red teletubby
me at 20: I like girls who will participate in a stimulating, intellectual conversation about film
me at 24: i have a crush on po the red teletubby
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of course i use 3 in 1 shampoo. what else would i brush my teeth with
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WHAT’S GOING ON AT THE CINCINNATI ZOO AND HOW YOU CAN HELP: A THREAD ‼️
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5 things I will NEVER do:
1. wear a helmet
2. get checked for a head injury
4. get checked for a head injury
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me: it’s just a myth dude
friend: no please don’t do it
me: *looks in mirror* bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
[white girl appears in extra small sunglasses & holding a bloody mary]: LETS GET SOME BRUNCH
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he hadn’t seen me in 3 months and was sooo excited i came back that he wouldn’t let go of my backpack
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my stoner friend: if everyone smoked weed, the world would be a more chill and relaxed place ✌🏻
me after smoking: *panicking and barricading all of my windows with pillows* the family from Us is coming to get me
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dudes drag and drop a few garageband loops together and put “dj/producer” in their instagram bio
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girls chat: they’re probably talking about us in their chat
boys chat:
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sex work? i sure hope it does LMAO!! follow me for more funny jokes
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mom! stop telling my friends how much you've heard about them when you meet them. i don't want them to know 𝓱𝓸𝔀 𝓲𝓶𝓹𝓸𝓻𝓽𝓪𝓷𝓽 𝓽𝓱𝓮𝔂 𝓪𝓻𝓮 𝓽𝓸 𝓶𝓮
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neighbor: so how did you two meet?
[embarrassed to admit i met my wife on tinder]
me: uhh chat roulette
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how often do y’all do your laundry???🤔
i usually do mine once per week, but sometimes more depending on how many times I shit myself
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Link: 23 Things You Should be Doing In Los Angeles This Weekend
zelda: what
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the last time i visited mat in arizona i was so excited to see all the cacti. mat knew about this, so that morning he bought a button-down with little cacti all over and wore it to dinner just to make me happy. he was so thoughtful in funny little ways like that
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the roommate’s outta town. you know what’s on the agenda for tonight 😉
-cry
-
-
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being average looking is the best. nobody flirts with me but nobody looks at me in horror either. everybody just leaves me alone
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me: wow i can’t wait for the new vampire weekend album
vampire weekend:
booby booby doo
booby booby doo
booby booby booby booby
booby booby doo
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i don’t even know what i’m doing when i dance. i just b flopping around
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all these zoomers trying to cancel john lennon lmao. buddy, john lennon was “cancelled” by a revolver 40 years ago
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white people love to say “(s)he’s alive!” after the last member of the family wakes up in the morning
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doctor: I’m sorry but he’s been diagnosed with reply guy
me: this ain’t it chief 😩
wife: oh no doc how do we fix it?
doctor: sadly there is no cure
me: DELETE THIS 😂
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driving in LA
🌊🌊| 🚘 || 🚘 | 🔥🔥
🌊🌊| 🚘 || 🚘 | 🔥🔥
🚤🌊| 🚘 || 🚘 | 🔥🔥
🌊🌊| 🚘 || 🚘 | 🔥🚁
🌊🌊| 🚘 || 🚘 | 🔥🔥
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why do over 5000 of you follow me. i’m a straight white dude, why would you possibly think i’d have something worthwhile to say
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When I say I’m a 10/10 it’s because I’ve DONE THE MATH
appearance: 0
personality: 0
forklift certification: 30
0+0+30
———— = 10
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my favorite episode of impractical jokers was when sal had to fuck a pig on national television or kidnappers would kill the beloved princess
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[i get a call from my dad as i’m hanggliding]
dad: hey son, what’re you up to?
me: oh you know, just *turns to camera* hangin around
dad: LMAOOO well when you’re done, i got my dick stuck in the vaccuum again and i’ll need some help getting it out
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Girlfriend told me im “one of the girls” so im really leaning into it
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