Rebecca Rush
@RebeccaRush639
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4,097
Following
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Media
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Statuses
20,512
Writer. Editor. Autistic Peer Support Coach in training. Words in @arcpoetrymag @sfgate @psych_today etc. #actuallyautistic
Los Angeles, CA
Joined June 2008
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Pinned Tweet
It’s only the second day of the year and I’ve already eaten Taco Bell out of the garbage.
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I like hotel rooms where I have two beds to myself because then I make one of them the eating bed.
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@maggie_rae
@MelindaTaub
I feel like poo, and then I found this thread and it made my fucking day. This response in particular murdered me. Thank u. I’m 41.
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I’ve been over Louis CK ever since I saw him live while I was on acid. He appeared as the actual devil and his act was just a math formula.
For context I once saw
@mariabamfoo
while on acid & was like “this woman is a heartbreaking work of staggering genius & possibly also God.”
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A lady from my sober fb group overdosed & died last night. She’s been struggling w relapse for the past few years. It looked like it was turning around for her and then 4 days ago her dad died of covid. We’ll never be able to grasp the true # of covid related deaths. RIP Dana.
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Forget 'honeymoon period.' I think we should just call the first six months of a relationship what it really is.
Fart suppression.
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We, the People: Hey, can we get our extra $600/week unemployment back?
The Gov’t: $500/week?! What do you need $400/week for!?We can’t afford to give you $300/ a week!
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You know how we need so much water because we are mostly water? What if we need so much love because we are mostly love?
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Does this outfit make me look like my therapist is out of town?
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@lisa_curry
Ok upon further inspection this makes sense bc she thinks any bunch of any different things on a plate is charcuterie and any bunch of criminals in the White House is a first family.
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My man said he wants to take our relationship to the next level, which is cool, because I was getting tired of shaving and wearing makeup.
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I didn’t get to see
@luisjgomez
beat
@TheMHarrington
in real life, but I have seen him KO like 50 SJW’s in the past few days on Twitter, so...
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Sometimes it bothers me that guys call it a rack. Then I remember I use it to hold things up, like my soda, my Yorkie, and my self-esteem.
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Some chick just laughed at me for balancing my soda on my tits while zipping my purse. Don't hate. We all have our talents.
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I've decided the definition of twitter maturity is following the people whose tweets I want to read whether or not they follow back.
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I had a sex dream about my ex husband last which which I found peculiar because I never thought about him once when we were actually having sex.
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It'd be cool if girls wore more honest t- shirts. Instead of 'Sexy Bitch' say, 'Once Called A Guy 78x In A Row' or 'Creditors Own My Tits.'
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If you put your ear up to my cleavage, you'll forget all about the ocean.
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@lisa_curry
My dog just farted something closer to a charcuterie board than either of those pictures ok I’m tapping out
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@itskristofer
Every so often my ex husband emails me like “I heard you got fat” as if that’s a worse fate than being coked out & married to an abuser.
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A talent manager asked me what my entertainment goals in 2020 were and I was like, same as every other Jewish writers, an invite to
@guybranum
’s Passover Seder.
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I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by favstar.
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Did you know that feature pay in comedy hasn’t gone up since 1980? Now you do. Quotes by
@mariabamfoo
@margaretcho
@jackiekashian
&
@AnyaVolz
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Here’s something I’ve never been able to say before: I have SIX MONTHS CLEAN AND SOBER. After over ten years of trying to get here.
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I have a zit on my chin so big it’s illegal to pop it in Georgia.
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My dog just licked my JUUL and now he’s starting a podcast.
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I can’t believe that I’m about to be forty and I’ve never even been duct taped to an airplane seat.
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I have a joke about Michaelangelo but a lot of other people helped with it & didn’t get credit.
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Dogs in their beds: curled into tiny ball. Dogs in our beds: stretched out to infinity and beyond!
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I love this time of year when men take their fancy convertibles out and you can see their combovers and small penises flapping in the wind.
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If you're old enough to remember the original Daisy Duke, you're too old to be wearing them.
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I DON’T KNOW IF THIS ADDERALL IS WORKING BUT WHO WANTS TO LET ME PAINT THEIR HOUSE? I CAN GET THERE BY TELEKINISIS! HOW ABOUT PURPLE?
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You don't have to tell me you're happily married in your bio.
I will be the judge of that after I read your tweets.
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Oh God no, please don't make me feel like the only girl in the world. That sounds exhausting. So much laundry. So many sandwiches.
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Who else is kinda jealous of their dog right now not being able to understand what's going on in our country?
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Twitter loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
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THE MASSAGE THERAPIST WHO SEXUALLY ASSAULTED ME LAST MONTH WAS ARRESTED THIS MORNING!
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"I did all your laundry, also, I hate you." - Most wives
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I haven’t had a drink or a drug in FIVE MOTHERFUCKING MONTHS IN A ROW!! Even weekends!
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@anylaurie16
Just found out the guy I had my first abortion with doesn’t believe in shutting down to stop the spread, I wholeheartedly second this tweet.
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I don't make jokes because I don't take life seriously. I make jokes because my only other coping mechanisms are drugs and alcohol.
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Is it even Christmas if your family doesn’t disappoint you?
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Today I have 90 real days of continuous sobriety for the first time ever after ten years of attempts.
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The best part of any Kanye West song is the part he stole from a real musician.
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I am a SOBER ALCOHOLIC.
I work a PROGRAM of recovery.
I am BANNED from AirBnB.
I don’t know how many PEOPLE I’ve slept with.
Once I SLASHED my wrist with a HEALING CRYSTAL.
If you don’t LIKE IT,
ACCEPTANCE IS THE ANSWER TO ALL MY TROUBLES TODAY.
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The cool thing that my followers and my boobs have in common is that I didn't have to buy them.
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I keep trying to drown my sorrows, but it appears they have gills.
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Two years clean & sober today. I’m so grateful that I got to spend 2020 in my second year of sobriety, instead of my first year for the 12th time.
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On the bright side, at least there will be no school shootings this month.
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@TheBloggess
My mother told me if I ever did cocaine I’d die instantly. Jokes on you mom I’ve done SO MUCH!
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There’s a girl at a mic I go to whose mother records her sets which is strange because if my mother loved me I would do improv.
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Just spoke with my Grandma. I asked her if she got the thank you card I sent and she said she didn't remember.
Related: I didn't send one.
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Last night the dog was ignoring me so I went into the hallway and pretended I was just getting home and it totally worked.
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I have a joke about Edvard Munch but it would make you scream.
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Bought condoms at the gas station and the guy behind me said “Ooo you nasty,” so I said “Excuse me sir, I need these for work.”
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You guys are like shopping in the dented can aisle. I love you.
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I heard friends are like underwear, which makes no fucking sense. I don't get my period every time I hang out with a cute new white friend.
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If I fell in the snow but I saved my wine and pizza did I really fall?
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I don’t mean to brag but a lot more people have seen my tits than have listened to my podcast.
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Sober people don’t get enough credit for raw dogging 2020
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Death is a process that begins at birth and accelerates during open mics.
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I miss roast battle so much sometimes I laugh at my dog for no reason until he gets uncomfortable
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I hate when I forget I'm at a gay bar and I'm all "what are YOU looking at buddy?" and he's like, "your shoes."
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I’m not in the best mood rn, but three years ago I spent Christmas in the psych ward after trying to fly to LA in a blackout and today I woke up sober and living in LA so there’s that.
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Sometimes, I look at my profile and think, "I'd follow you back." Then I wink and blow my tweets a kiss.
Okay. All the time.
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I hate when I'm giving a gay friend directions and I have to tell him to go straight.
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Wow I’m so glad I did cocaine in the early 2000’s, when it would just ruin your life, not take it.
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I have a tattoo on my arm that’s written in French. I’m not French, but I do identify as a snob.
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It's amazing how our taste in pets change as we get older! When I turned ten, I wanted a pony. This year I'm asking for a tapeworm!
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My top tweet now has 69 stars. I'm not sure whether to be into it or annoyed at the distraction. Just like a real 69.
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I spend a good portion of my day waiting to be hungry again.
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The NYPD has created a unit to track criminals via social media. I swore I wasn't going to get emotional, but I'll miss some of you a lot.
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I have 300 days sober today. To celebrate I bought myself health insurance. I am now in the 1% of stand ups, please act accordingly.
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The only message I want from a bottle is "I'm going to get you drunk."
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Whenever I see a fat person staring off into the distance, I just assume they're planning their next meal.
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I’m so desperate for attention this week I left one of the dog’s poops on the sidewalk hoping someone would yell at me.
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I'll never forget the first time I heard my boyfriend say I love you.
Mostly because he said it to my dog.
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All I want is peace, love, and maybe being able to get all the hair on my kneecaps once in a while when I shave.
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Woke up with pizza on my LV bag and an order confirmation email for a vibrator, shipping to my work.
Drunk Me, you've outdone yourself.
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I don’t mean to brag, but my neighbor has really good sex.
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Having lunch with my Grandma. Just noticed she still wears her wedding rings. My Grandfather has been dead 26 years. Now that's love.
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I was robbed & possibly had my identity stolen yesterday & today was thinking about drinking. Then the liquor store was set on fire around the corner I guess I’ll stay sober another day @ sunset & Gardner
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Nothing tells me that I need to go on a diet more than the fact that black men have started to check me out.
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It’s been so long since I’ve dated because you’re not supposed to in your first year of sobriety, and I’ve been in my first year of sobriety for eleven years.
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15 months clean and sober. This past three weeks have been the hardest. Grateful to still be sober today. I can’t imagine a hangover with these headlines.
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Always the bridesmaid, never the one with five people holding her dress up while she takes a dump.
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If there is a chick out there named "Whitney Spears" I'm willing to bet she's the biggest cokehead ever.
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