Rachel Fairburn
@RachelFairburn
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21,304
Following
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Media
1,242
Statuses
9,115
Mancunian, Comedian, Oasis obsessive. One half of @killnofillpod I really, really like ghosts.
Joined October 2009
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Pinned Tweet
BLACKPOOL! Tickets for my show filming are going fast. See you on Saturday 19th 5pm
@JoeLongthorneTh
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Oh Molly. There’s only one cunt with a problem in your relationship.
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Twice this week I’ve had “Get your tits out” shouted at me on stage. I mean they are fantastic tits but sort it out lads. Maybe get your respect out for the fucking girls.
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There’s a discussion on Loose Women titled ‘Who do you prefer, Kate or Meghan?’ just to remind us that you have to choose one woman to like and we must always ALWAYS be played off against each other.
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To allow her to understand a joke she had heard, I had to explain Bukkakke to my mother. I’m writing this as I stare out of a window and relive every second of the conversation. I had. to. explain. Bukkakke. To. My. Mother. I’m off to set fire to myself.
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Made it 🤣🤣
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My twitter ban has been lifted! I’m back! LIVE FOREVER! As you were RF x
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Doesn’t matter how early, where you are or what’s happening. There’s always a Cunt ready to be Cunting.
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Six years ago I had a house party and got so drunk and obnoxious that I had to be put to bed at 11pm. Anyway, it’s where I met
@kiripritchardmc
We’ve done some pretty great things and worn some mad shit since then. Happy Anniversary pal!
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Lisa Faulkner presenting This Morning. Carrying on with the show even though she's clearly been shot.
#professional
http://t.co/U9FDcrTn7B
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🚨 My brand new tour Showgirl starts this September! 🚨 It’s on sale this Friday 10am with more dates to be added (don’t panic Manchester I’m coming) It’s my biggest tour yet and I can’t wait to see you there.
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If you request a read receipt on an email you’re a piece of shit.
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Trains are all delayed due to a fatality on the tracks. The amount of people tutting and head shaking never fails to irritate me. An hour delay isn’t even important in the big scheme of things. Have a bit of compassion you absolute rat bags.
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Is it me, or does it look like the Kardashian-Jenner CK campaign is just missing Charles Manson?
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This lovely fella Nathan spoke about his team and them was subject to nasty and pathetic comments off people. He’s running a half marathon soon so if you can give him a donation. Good Luck Nathan!
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The Fringe has to change. I’m a busy comedian with a successful podcast and I can’t afford to do it this year. Many working class acts can’t even consider it as an option. The comedy industry needs to stop putting so much importance on it.
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“He’s wasn’t allowed to go to Margaret Thatcher’s funeral, which shattered him.” If you were ever in doubt that Jim Davidson was an utter cunt this should confirm it for you.
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Wow! Just had a Ham Hock & Piccalilli Xmas sandwich from Costa and I can safely declare it’s the worst thing I’ve ever had in my mouth. I say this as someone who once sucked an off-duty copper off two days into a music festival.
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Just asked my mate if they remembered getting a cup of frozen peas as a treat when they were a kid. They didn’t. Starting to think my family were taking the piss during my childhood.
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Gary Barlow has brought out a range of glasses. Maybe they’ll help him see his tax return better.
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Since I’ve been self employed, I feel my job title is less “Comedian and Writer” and more “Custodian of Neighbourhood Parcels”.
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It’s six months since I did a gig at Liverpool Philharmonic for
@Laughter_house
and I and several others are still waiting to be paid. We’ve been patient and listened to various excuses. It’s not acceptable.
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Everyone kicked off at the driver for going past a woman running for the bus. He stopped & let her on. Now she’s playing a game with the volume full blast on her phone and we are all silently regretting being such good citizens whilst listening to jingly noises.
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I’ve got the same handwriting as my Mum. I’ve just made a few factual changes to the message in my Christmas card and popped it on the mantle piece for my sister to discover. Merry Christmas 🎄
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Amazing sold out
@killnofillpod
Live show! 400 people saw most of my arse this afternoon. Thanks to Pauline for being a good sport and to all the legends who came! Can’t wait for next week!
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Also awaiting money from eight months ago from this company. Add that to the money from six months ago from Laughterhouse and money from production company Fingers & Fringe again over six months ago. Working class people cannot survive in the arts.
🎉HAPPY ANNIVERSARY🎉
It's been exactly ONE YEAR since we put on
@AdultFilmClub_
at
@21Soho
& we're still yet to be paid for it! In spite of an email from the 'CEO' back in March saying it was being processed. We have had no contact since then. Can anyone top that?
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Can someone tell Victoria Beckham that I did it better?
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This Tuesday 7th November BBC2 9:45pm. Dream come true ❤️
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There are some real horrors in this world. Imagine having a problem with this. Dancing is for everyone!
It’s been announced that
@bbcstrictly
are going to have a wheelchair user this year. I’ve just sat, honestly close to tears, as I’ve scrolled through the ableist comments about how wheelchair users are not welcome on the programme but also in general society.
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Funnily enough pal, I am happy. It’s only when cunts like you message me that I look annoyed.
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I wish I had one more preview of my new show. I really need to hear what male open spots think about it. The notes they have are so valuable.
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I took the day off today and went to Blackpool. I am having an absolute belter! See this top I’m wearing? My grandad found it in a skip when I was 14 and he brought it back for me. Yes, I’ve had a drink 🥃
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I get more texts when a serial killer dies than I do on my birthday.
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I said I was worried about my show and my little niece wrote this in my notes. It’s so adorable. If any of you write *You’re underneath I will cut you.
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I was voted 4th most influential woman in Manchester last year. I got hammered last night, bought a McDonald’s to eat in bed, fell asleep, woke up at 5am and ate the entire meal cold. I should have been voted 1st most influential woman in the world.
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My dad picked me up from my gig tonight and on the way back we saw a car get caught by a speed camera. I genuinely think it was the happiest I’ve ever seen him. Utter joy and elation in its purest form.
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I think I’ve cracked it! It’s not that women aren’t funny, it’s that most men don’t get the joke.
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TONIGHT 9:45pm BBC2 you can see me on Live at the Apollo!
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This happened a year ago today. Just two Manchester legends hanging out. 😍😍 Not gonna lie, it genuinely made my fucking life.
#hero
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I absolutely love this lass and her videos. 😍
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I sent this text to my sister on Saturday. She hasn't responded. Presumably because she thinks it's a euphemism.
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Just did some meal prep for the rest of the week. This basically means I’ll be having 7 dinners tonight.
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Sucked a balloon yesterday that I assumed had helium in it. It didn't. I just sucked in the breath of a stranger. THE BREATH OF A STRANGER 🤢
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Lots of people tweeting me to tell me why I’m supposedly wrong about hotel checkout as mentioned on the podcast. Just want to say that I am in fact correct and didn’t ask for your opinion. Thanks babes. Xoxo 💅🏻🍆🍆
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“Why critics should stop dictating what is fashionable, realise that they aren’t that important and look beyond the shows spoon fed to them via PR’s”
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Not saying I think I’m overtired but I just thought about what good pals The Hairy Bikers are and had a little cry.
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I’ve actually just said “Engaging with fans on social media.” In response to being asked what I’m doing. Think it’s safe to say that I’m an awful cunt who needs throttling.
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Tonight’s stage look is “Uninvited mistress at funeral of billionaire” or “kid dresses as a Dallas widow”. Anyway come and see my show. I like it.
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First day since I’ve been home from Edinburgh that I’ve had time to catch up with the profiles of everyone I detest on social media. Got tons of screenshots to WhatsApp! Thanks for being dreadful! Don’t go changing. 😍😍
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I often think about the woman who forgot to lock the train toilet door which caused me to press the button and slowly reveal her mid pee to a crowd of commuters. I hope she took to her new name and is settled in her new life abroad.
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Stop pretending the John Lewis as is some proper solid Christmas tradition and not something forced on us in the past 6 years. It’s embarrassing. Like your dad claiming he’s “always worn this Obey baseball hat” as he queues at a carvery.
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Just saw a couple having a blazing row at the train station while a choir of school children were singing Christmas songs in the background. Absolutely beautiful and the true spirit of Christmas.
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Finally! Somewhere you can keep those dinner hour sex toys.
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I can’t believe I started my tour at Manchester Opera House! What a night!
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Just discovered that one of Dudley Moore’s nicknames was Sex Thimble and as a woman under five foot I’m absolutely livid nobody has called me this!
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So proud of myself today. Wishing me so much luck. Can’t believe how fast I’ve grown up! 😭
#firstdayofschool
#backtoschool
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My tour starts TONIGHT! I’ll see you later Manchester! Can’t wait
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28th December and I’ve got my full running gear back on. Which is a bit excessive for doing a jigsaw.
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Can confirm I’ve done all of this after one margarita.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
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Just a woman who’s luggage was lost and now looks like she lives here thanks to
@kiripritchardmc
and a charity shop
#NYC
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I got on a train at 8:30am at Stockport to get back to London. It’s now midday, we are stationary at Milton Keynes due to a points failure. People having to cancel plans again due to the pathetic UK rail network that’s actually becoming impossible to use.
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I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with people. Why would anyone do this?
Absolutely disgusted to hear about Sycamore Gap this morning & that someone has chainsawed down this beautiful tree. I literally cannot understand why someone would do something like that.
At least I'll have the memory of shooting the Milky Way here, one cold January night.
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Imagine doing one of those Ancestry DNA tests and finding out you are in fact not related to any of these fuckers you’ve had to spend all of Christmas with. Absolute bliss. Wouldn’t even go back if I’d forgotten my best coat.
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I’m judging a school talent show this evening and I’ve never felt more drunk on power.
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Alright Spotify! Chill out, pal. How’s about a playlist called “You’re Looking Fat Today.”
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My nieces WhatsApp status is “Please only call if it’s important”. She’s ten years old.
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Been on my mobile talking about the perfect items on a roast dinner and I’ll be honest with you, it was probably the best phone sex I’ve ever had.
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I have trichotillomania which means I twirl my hair constantly and anxiety about my teeth which means I lick them frequently. I’ve just realised that this is probably why I end up fucking most men I come into contact with.
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That’s it! My tour of Can I Be Awful? is finished. I’ve had the best time! Thank you so much to everyone who came to see it. I genuinely appreciate it. Some big old news coming soon though….very excited.
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If today’s crowd at
@killnofillpod
are half as ace as yesterday’s then it’s going to be fantastic! Here’s me doing a The Floss. I’ll show you all live later.
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Nothing makes my heart sink more than getting to Manchester Piccadilly and finding out my train leaves from Platform 13. I’d rather crawl to my destination over broken glass.
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The highlight of my week has been people getting upset about me saying I didn’t like (called them cunts) when people bring their own yoga mats to a class. (It’s a little joke) Just chill out okay? (I don’t care you’re upset) namaste 🙏
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Can’t believe someone named their WiFi after my clitoris
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I haven’t stopped thinking about this since I saw it 🤣
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Remember if you get a card through the post today it’s either from a relative or a stranger who knows where you live. Happy Valentines Day!
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There were three ace girls doing comedy on the bill at the primary school talent show I was judging which is more than on most bills at actual stand up gigs. 😍😍
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*sigh* Stop gentrifying it. It’s called “fingering”.
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