boss: how are we going to sell the new mint brownie cookies?
me: they taste sort of like big, soft, brownie thin min-
boss: DON’T
me: what
boss: they’ll sue us
me: (picturing tiny lawyers with sashes) awww
boss: my son says we should use a hashtag to sell the new mint brownie cookie
me: real people don’t actually use branded hashtags, they’re exactly the kind of marketing garbage we’re trying to-
boss: how about
#potcookie
me: NO
scientist: 50 degrees is ideal ice cream sandwich weather. cold enough that it doesn’t melt, warm enough that you don’t freeze.
me: wait what
scientist: just figured that nobody listens when i talk about important stuff like global-
me: what if the ice cream is chocolate?
wife: remember i’m gonna be out with the girls tonight, assume u saved the second sandwich from today’s bogo?
me: uh
wife: u ate two sandwiches for lunch?
me: well
wife: at least did u get a brownie cookie for me?
me:
wife: u ate the cookie
me: EVERYONE SHOULD VOTE TUES
zoo keeper: BOGO sandwiches at potbelly today
panda:
zoo keeper: but u only eat bamboo so i’ll eat both
panda: i’ll take an italian and chicken pot pie soup
zoo keeper:
panda: ya’ll never asked - figured you just had lots of extra bamboo and I didn’t want to be rude
me: guess winter is here
snowman: ‘cause chicken pot pie soup is back?
me: seriously? ur a snowman and ur here
snowman: snowman love soup, that’s why we come in winter. and bears are hibernating.
me: but snow-
snowman: soup is great and bears are scary. it’s not that hard.
in chicago we have 3 winter coats
one for when it's cold, a thicker one for when it’s really cold, and a crazy thick one for when the ice devil himself rises from lake michigan to reclaim the earth
this is why
you: *treats your body like a dumpster on halloween*
potbelly: *offers you free soup/chili/mac with purchase of a salad or sandwich the day after halloween*
you: *will never love yourself as much as potbelly loves you *
NO COAT IN CHICAGO TODAY!
sorry to freak out, but it’s not freezing and we have BOGO sandwiches/salads today so it’s as exciting as getting into a good school without ur parents bribing someone
chef: let’s put a super mario on the secret menu, our italian sandwich but with meatballs and mushrooms
me: love it! what’s a luigi
chef: that’s his a brother
what should we leave in 2018
first thoughts:
- the term yeet
- any dance from a video game
- everyone getting a podcast
- gas station sub joints
- louis ck & kevin spacey
lazy marketing 101: find the national day of whatever and run a promo.
so yea we have a free cookie for perks members with an entree today because it’s
#NationalDessertDay
.
not gonna lie it’s been a long week and we are still in our jammies
boss: robo, please announce tuesday’s BOGO for week of perks
robot:
boss: get it cuz robo sounds like bogo
robot: alexa add him to the list
alexa: *nods*
boss: what list? did..did she just...nod?
me: know that house that gives full-size candy bars?
boss: yea
me: kinda like Wed’s week of perks offer - free ice cream sandwich or cookie with entree
boss: i gave out sandwiches last year
me: uhh
boss: pickle & peanut butter, my favorite
me:
boss: i had a LOT left over
everybody that just wrapped finals deserves something...
so bring your student ID in 5/15 to 5/19 and you'll get a BOGO sammie, salad, or pick-your-pair
and thank this wonderful human for the freebie
boss: monday is free chips with an entree for week of perks
me: just like what birds say
boss: birds say chirp not chip
Me: i feel like you’re wrong
bird: [walking in] oh heck yeah it’s monday. time for free chirps
me: oh
@IsakShmisak
@timecrisis2000
boss: how long will you respond to people in the comments
me: don’t know, eventually I’ll have to go to bed
my wife: when will you stop giggling at your phone and go to sleep, and why is your boss in our bedroom?
some asked why we cut twitter posting back a lot over the last few months. even brand folks have lives (sort of).
twitter, meet henry. his fav sandwich is the wreck, btw.
on valentine’s day we’re celebrating everyone who’s happily single
come in WITHOUT a s/o feb 14 and u get a free cookie with ur meal. can even try the red velvet cookie for a limited time
so if u❤️u for valentine’s see u soon
@Jen_Anne_Ziety
how can u suffer from seasonal effective disorder in dallas you know y’all have one season HOT come to chicago we have 3 sizes of winter coats
my dad is 42, pursuing a modeling career, and i’ve never seen him happier. he told me he’s just waiting for a chance to blow up. so, twitter, meet my dad.