Sara Says Stop
@PetrickSara
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SAHM. Wife. Optimist. Maniacal.
Michigan
Joined March 2014
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Pinned Tweet
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
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My son has a friend who just shows up at our door and knocks to see if he’s home. No texting. No calling. Just showing up like we used to back in the 80s. It’s my favorite.
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Thanksgiving Pro Tip:
Never eat any food offered to you by an adorable toddler relative. It might look like a cookie, or piece of candy, but it’s actually the flu.
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I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she's me.
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My 13yo described the Winter Olympics as people “just being absolutely reckless in the cold.”
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Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
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Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well...
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
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I’m a parent. My hobbies include watching fresh produce rot in my fridge, and telling my kids that they should have done what I asked the first time.
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Just changed from my outdoor hoodie to my indoor hoodie.
I finally understand Mr Rogers.
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I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she's resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
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“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
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Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
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Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I'm not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
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My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
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Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don't already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
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Pre-teen boys spend approximately 40% of their day jumping up to touch ceilings or the tops of door frames.
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In this house we do lazy summers.
We do sleeping in, and
staying up late.
We do “go outside and play” and too much screen time.
We do hotdogs, chips, and freeze-pops.
Swimming counts as a bath.
“Shut the door” is our anthem.
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When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
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My 4yo has begun to make up her own knock-knock jokes. Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated during this difficult time.
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My kids’ school printed out 1,000 flyers to explain that they’re “going green.”
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Parents, teach your children how to lose gracefully.
It fucking matters.
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My daughter has been telling other school children on the playground that the swings are haunted by a ghost girl that jumped off the swings, fell, hit her head, and died.
Now she’s got the swings all to herself, and other kids think she’s tough and fearless.
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"You saw nothing."
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
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My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
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*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
"Let's do this"
*wakes kids for school*
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Parenting truth
#367
If you ask your kid to tell their sibling something, they will stand right next to you and scream it.
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I don’t have all the answers when it comes to parenting, but I know that teens can never have enough hoodies or phone chargers.
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My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
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My spirit animal is this kid at my son's football practice that just stands and cries every time he's told he has to run
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My preteen saw a bird fly past the window, muttered “ooh, bird” and jaunted to the window to stare outside. So his transformation to house cat is complete.
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I was feeling unappreciated and overwhelmed, when my 7yo started folding and putting away laundry. I didn’t ask. She sensed I needed someone on my side and just stepped up. And with that one act of kindness, every time I ever questioned my parenting just faded away.
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Your kids don’t like school?
You’re obviously making their home life too appealing. Step it down a few notches. Be boring. Maybe yell more.
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My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
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Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
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I asked my husband to put fresh towels in the guest bathroom, and he hung them tag side out, a suburban horror story.
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If you guys need anything, just get my 6yo to ask her grandma for it.
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Downloaded 87,642 new apps just to communicate with my kids’ school.
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A kid I didn’t know approached me and asked if I had any wipes in my purse. I mean...I did, but stereotype much?
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You think your kid doesn’t have a comfort item because they’re not dragging around a ratty blanket, or grimy plush teddy bear, but you’re wrong. It’s worn, ragged, and well loved into submission. It’s you. It’s always been you.
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Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
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A panic room, but for quickly shoveling all my family’s clutter into when guests stop by unexpectedly.
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[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
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“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people...or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
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“If no one is playing with kinetic sand, isn’t it potential sand?”
-my kid, before I’ve had coffee
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This adorable new mom was asking for advice from Facebook on yoga exercises. Poor thing doesn’t yet realize that being a mom means she only needs to wear the yoga pants.
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If I know little else about parenting, I know this:
a large cardboard box is the best way to keep your kid entertained.
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I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn't have to share with my kids.
It's not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.
She's mine
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I'm sending my kids to a free summer camp program called GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY.
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My 8yo slammed the junk drawer shut, threw her hands up, and asked, “What happened to all the tape?”
Really?
Really?
YOU happened, kid.
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My daughter has been hoarding empty toilet paper rolls in her bedroom.
I don’t know what kind of elaborate craft she’s planning, but I already know I want to throw it out.
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Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It's never going to happen.
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My son said that if a hoverboard was also a vacuum, he’d vacuum every day. Then my daughter started arguing with him over who would get to vacuum.
Why has no one created this mythical vacuum over which children argue over who gets the do chores?
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Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
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[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What's your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don't leave any crumbs under the table.
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NOTHING makes me happier than throwing things away.
This is what parenting does to a person.
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What I say:
Play outside.
What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can't see you so I constantly imagine you've been kidnapped.
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In my youth, I hoped I’d be lucky enough to be slimed on Double Dare. Unfortunately, the closest I’ve come to achieving that dream is catching my child’s vomit in my bare hands.
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[New “Baby It’s Cold Outside” Lyrics]
Mom: Baby it’s cold outside...
Preteen boy: UGH, I SAID I DON’T NEED A COAT! (door slam)
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Listen. I’m raising kids. I think that makes me mentally strong. I shouldn’t be expected to exercise too.
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My son said that he "doesn't want a cookie"
I didn't know someone could do that.
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I’m so glad I became a parent so that I can remind someone to “walk like a human.”
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I’ve never met a mom that didn’t keep baby wipes in her car or her purse. Her kid could be 3 months, 3 years, or 30. She still has baby wipes.
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While searching for frozen vegetables in the freezer, the ice cream literally fell into my arms.
Who am I to argue with fate.
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Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so...nah, she’s good.
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A baby shower game requested everyone write parenting advice on a notecard, so I wrote down my favorite margarita recipe.
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Husband:What do you want for Mother's Day?
Me:I don't want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
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I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
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I’m not saying that the romance is gone, but my husband and I went out for dinner without our kids, and the waiter asked if we needed separate checks.
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Last week, I made plans to go out tonight with some mom-friends. Today, everyone cancelled.
Sometimes you find people that just get you.
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Today, mothers everywhere are cleaning like crazy, trying to get ahead enough to actually relax on Mother’s Day.
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Let’s pretend that I cleaned the house today and my kids already trashed it.
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I don’t know what I want for Valentine’s Day, but I expect my husband to.
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Being a mother is 50% “let mama snuggle you” and 50% “omg! Stop touching me!”
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No one, absolutely no one:
9: I wish I was venomous so I could bite people.
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I sat on the floor to wrap Christmas presents, and I can’t get up.
I live here now.
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My neighbor just zipped herself inside their trampoline where her kids can’t get her. Fucking brilliant.
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My children's inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
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My kid’s music teacher got married over the summer and changed her name. Then she trolled her students by wearing a wig and fake glasses every day until they figured out who she was.
It took two months.
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I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with the socks you left on the floor, two feet away from the laundry hamper.
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How am I? How am I? My pants have FAKE POCKETS! How do you THINK I am?
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Teaching a 6yo how to make the bed is exactly like teaching a cat how to make the bed.
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I’ve reached the level of parenting where when my kids ask “what’s for dinner?” I just skip directly to the part where I tell them they’re going to have to eat it anyway.
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I feel like an entire summer was not a long enough break from having to pack kids' school lunches.
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7: (silently sneaks up behind me and taps me on the shoulder)
Me: Yes?
7: (whispers into my ear) Do not trust Siri. She doesn’t have eyes. (Walks away)
Who needs scary movies when you can just have kids?
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Me: (limits screen time)
[5 minutes later]
6: (gets a concussion)
Me: That’s it! Everyone back on their tablets!
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[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want
Me: I want you to move the elf tonight.
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11: I can’t find it! I looked!
Me: Did you look, or look-like-a-kid-look?
11: Um, the first one?
Me: You moved stuff around?
11: Definitely the second one.
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My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
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I’m a put on a swimsuit kind of mom.
I’m a get in the pool kind of mom.
I’m a play with my kids kind of mom.
I’m a pulled a muscle because I’m way too old for this kind of mom.
I need all the Advil to be this kind of mom.
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Brushing my daughter's hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don't know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
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My daughter examined how a measuring tape retracted and announced that it “disappeared into a magical world.” So yeah, homeschooling is going just great.
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Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can't remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don't remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
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Sneezonings:
When a toddler sneezes all over your food.
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My daughter put on mascara for picture day but forgot to wipe the dried toothpaste from the corner of her mouth, and if that doesn’t capture the full 5th grade experience, I don’t know what does.
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"It's pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself."
-my family
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[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
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Have kids, because how else are you going to dig through the trash first thing in the morning looking for a missing gift card.
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A jury of my own peers would be a bunch of moms begging their kids to find their other shoe.
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I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
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Netflix wouldn’t load this morning, and now my kids are watching television programming with commercials.
Please keep our family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
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