ᴾᴬᵁᴸᴰᴼᶜᴷ ˣ
@PaulDock93
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Joyful man, sometimes draw, IG: @pauldock93
Glasgow, Scotland
Joined June 2013
The biggest threat to Glasgow & society as a whole is Flytipping 🪰🪰🪰🪰.Meet the brave men fighting back against these disgusting animals: The Spiderpack Hunters 🕷️🕷️🕷️🕷️ . Featuring: @bene25_ @SE250_ @martinquinn_94 & the camera wizardry of @ConorReilly x
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Headshotting Big Bird & he just continues to lumber towards you x.
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23rd & 24th of December, the World Cup for people with zero spatial awareness, going to the shop, meandering aimlessly, standing in the middle of an aisle, 3 point turning a trolley x.
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A cool thing with Christmas Day is you’ll have 10 beers, 5 ciders, 4 wines, 2 Proseccos, 5 shots of flavoured liqueurs & a big whiskey & you’ll be completely sober x.
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Billy on Love Island: “Wait you’re angry with me because I’m a little cheeky banter man???? 😨😨😨😨 Sorry I’m just addicted to banter 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Is cheeky banter a crime??!! If so, sorry for having banter 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪” x.
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The woke mob are trying to cancel dying from a heart attack 😤😤😤😤😤 x.
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It’s my second shift working as the Grinch today, hope it goes better than yesterday… x.
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Wee Minnie playing wae a blueberry & Ruby spoiling the fun 😅 x
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There’s one knife, fork or spoon in amongst the cutlery that whenever you accidentally take them out you think “not this fucking guy” x.
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I feel like the UK could hold a vote to decide if everyone in the country has to eat a bowl of ice cream or a bowl of dug shite & somehow we’d still absolutely fuck it x.
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Dominic Cummings dresses like a combination of every character from the 1st season of Skins x
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Hillwalkers who buy all the gear, trousers, boots, trekking poles etc. always trip on small stones, sprain their ankles, & have to get rescued by helicopters. Bams in Air Max 95’s, shorts, drinking cans on Ben Nevis absolutely skoosh Munros, neds are the Sherpas of Scotland x.
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People are happy that they don’t have to wear masks anymore despite wearing them like this the entire time anyway x
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I hope everyone setting off fireworks tonight is proud of themselves!!.They’ve scared Gary Barlow’s big giant son & he’s charging around the house in sheer panic wrecking the place & Gary is trying to shoot him with tranquilliser darts x.
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While doing uni work recently I just left serial killer documentaries on in the background & I’m tired how often people are like “wow what goes on in the complex mind of a killer?! fascinated, I love them” cause like 99% of the time it’s just “I hate woman” & it’s not that deep x.
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Am I the only one. whose life has been changed. by possibly the largest global event of our lifetime. am I the only person affected? x.
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If the Grinch came over to mine it wouldn’t be my house getting smashed x
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See they’re selling yer boyfriend’s willy for £12 in Morrisons x
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“Naw brother am no taking it, see the hing is”- *snorts big line of gear* “they could put anything in the Covid vaccine” x.
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Respect to my fellow Europeans who are denying Americans access to/overcharging for water & pretending it’s a cultural thing x.
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People wearing contact lenses think they’re not specky but they’re actually one of the worst kinds of specky, specky & ashamed x.
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Awryt troops ah wis lit aht eatin a wee haggis supper wae irn bru aww o’er ma arse. Okay fellow Scots, now that the English have stopped reading this tweet here’s my plan; if they win the World Cup, we cross the border while their whole country is steamin & just batter them aw x.
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Saw your boyfriend in the fruit section at ASDA buying the easy peelers when I was in buying the difficult peelers x.
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Sorry mate the jobs gonnae take a few more days than expected, superglued the apprentices hands to a concrete mixer x.
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Instead of Queer Eye, how about a TV show called Straight Eye where 5 incredibly laddy straight boays just teach a gay guy how to bottle up his emotion & punch holes in his wall x.
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The queue at the top of Munros for “6 months aff the gear” instagram photos x.
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Guy in medieval times trapped in a pillory being pelted with rotten fruit & vegetables: “I hath gotten thy whole village rattled 🤣🤣🤣🎣🎣🎣🎣” x
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Is pretending to throw a ball for your dog gaslighting? x.
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When Drake said “Feed me hotdogs & slap my bum, put a tiny cowboy hat on my penis & make me cum” I felt that x.
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Hi hello I am teenage boy online can someone pls help me Are boobs girl willies?!?!!!!
Birds wear bikinis and tops with underboob showing does that mean we can wear shorts with our bellend hanging out the bottom? Lovely bit of undercock.
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Jack Grealish looks like he holds the world record Snapchat score x.
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They look like they’re trying to kill the Fantastic Mr. Fox x
I’m probably really late to this…. But have they all put each other’s coats on by accident?
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Just ate fruit for the first time & they taste nothing like the delicious Elf Bar flavours.I’ve been lied to x.
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I’m a 26 year old working at the asbestos factory, paid £5 an hour in WHSmith vouchers to smash up asbestos & breath in the particles while my boss; the Monopoly Man, laughs & counts his money.How dare the McDonalds staff ask for living wage x.
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I know just the place x
The Love Island villa will be ‘axed’ ahead of this year’s series as bosses look for a new location to shake up the show.
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Americans are like “Watch out in Europe, Europeans will often steal your nose & laugh at you, this is part of their extremely problematic & uncivilised culture” x
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My brother took one of the puppies up a mountain the other day (here are the photos) x
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Leonardo DiCaprio at COP26 hoping to make the world a better place for his future girlfriends to grow up in x.
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It’s a huge red flag when parents say they love their newborn child 🚩🚩🚩🚩.Like you’ve literally JUST met them, you don’t even know them ✋✋✋✋.It’s classic “Love Bombing” & it’s extremely toxic behaviour x.
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Tom wants Glasgow to be like him: nae M8s x.
It’s such a shame that there’s a huge concrete motorway that has plonked itself in the centre of Glasgow. The rest of the city is much nicer and is spoiled by association. Motorways do not belong inside cities. It should go.
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Thought this was a new Love Island contestant x.
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How about a singer called Gerry Synonym who sings all Gerry Cinnamon’s song but wae different words x.
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You’re in her DM’s, I’ve shit myself in Glasgow Central Station & she’s offering to come & bring me a clean pair of pants, we are not the same x.
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How can we trust a man to lead the country who isn’t proud of his tall queen? x.
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ScotRail murdered the monkey they found at Cambuslang station because it didn’t have a train ticket x.
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Hugely disappointed with the American XL Bully discourse on Twitter, don’t judge the breed.My sweet baby Genghis Goliath is a big softie who loves nothing more than roaming the streets unsupervised & returning covered in blood x.
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Jamie Oliver’s other ideas:.-make those drumstick squashies sweets illegal.-tax on twister ice lollies.-a legal requirement that you have to kick over all homeless people’s cups.-death penalty for anyone caught eating a gregg’s sausage roll x.
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Find it funny when people say “we’d be speaking German if it wasn’t for Churchill” like having to speak another language would have been the worst thing about the Nazis winning WWII x.
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Taking gear must have been mental back in medieval times, offered a key & someone whips out this x
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Ahh the smell of barbecue smoke & sound of police sirens off in the distance. Scottish summer has arrived x.
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After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could pretend things were normal just for a brief moment in time. x
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Girls like when you call them cute nicknames like ᴛᴏɪʟᴇᴛ ʀᴏʟʟ, ɢᴏʙʟɪɴ ғᴀᴄᴇ, or ᴅᴀᴅᴅʏ's ʟɪᴛᴛʟᴇ sᴇᴀɢᴜʟʟ x.
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If Charli XCX was Scottish “brat” would be called “wee shite” instead x.
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A bouncer outside a pub saw I had a tote bag the other night & wis lit “nice bag PRINCESS”.Sorry I didn’t storm the pub wearing an extremely masculine Bear Grylls mountaineering rucksack on a Saturday night baldy x.
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♫Waterloo, 19 year old soldier Antoine Fraveau,.Waterloo, hole in his chest where a ball went through ♫ x.
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Waiting in the Bonnie Blue queue for several hours & when I finally got to the front I announced “wait… this isn’t the queue to see my GP??” & it got a good laugh out all the men in balaclavas x.
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The biggest mystery in Making a Murderer is how Steven Avery keeps getting new burds while in prison, Making an Absolute Shagger mare lit x.
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This would feel amazing after a few pints & a large meal x.
Bloat is a disease of ruminant animals, characterized by an excessive volume of gas in the rumen. It's generally treated by not feeding the animal for a few hours, but there are severe cases requiring a bloat needle to expel the gas.
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Can’t believe they’re updating Dennis the Menace to become Dennis the Spice Boy x.
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People often ask me how I can afford to own a house in Edinburgh, well here’s how:.- I buy the cheapest butter.- I got a railcard for cheap train journeys.- I turn lights off when I leave a room.- I don’t waste my money of stupid poor people stuff.- my parents gave me £250,000 x.
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In Scotland there’s a song “ye canny throw yer granny off a bus”.But during lockdown we’ve found out a lot of yese would throw her under a bus for a gaff x.
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Suffering from severe dairy induced diarrhoea in the Glasgow Central toilets after eating a Gorgonzola pizza from Paesano & teenagers are trying to batter down the door so they can film me & tweet that I have the corona virus x.
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All the attractive Instagram people have been forced on to Twitter where I, an ugly little goblin man, rule with an iron fist x.
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Your pal gestures towards the toilet in the pub, you nod, stand up, then follow him in & go into a cubicle. He produces a wee hamster from his jacket pocket & you both take turns holding it. He then puts it away & you both head back to the bar trying not to raise any suspicion x.
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A dog used to be able to run out a butchers trailing a chain of link sausages from it’s mouth & the butcher chasing it with a cleaver but not anymore, the woke mob won’t allow it x.
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I was a fan of Paul Black but he’s really crossed a line here & I can’t condone this, disgusting!!! 😤😤😤😤✊✊✊ x
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Sorry to tell you bro but I just seen your girlfriend going in here x
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Imagine having a washed out tomato sauce bottle as your water bottle at the gym x.
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The only thing that’s stopped Jamie Oliver from getting Squashies banned is that he’s unable to say their name out loud without drowning in his own saliva x.
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Whoever invented the baby Guinness was really on a cutie pie type vibe x.
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Genuinely looked like a wee guy freaking out in the arches toilets x
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Yassss coupons came in & I’m up 3 shillings & a thrupprence x.
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Sorry I absolutely leathered fuck oot yer wee granda in the pub last night, I thought he was a ghoulish Christmas apparition sent to make me change my selfish ways x.
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I enjoy the cinema experience too much to accurately review a film.Did I like Nosferatu?.I loved seeing my friends, having a little drink, the popcorn, the hotdogs, the trailers, the lights dimming for the film to start, going for Korean BBQ, yes I loved Nosferatu x.
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The classic Scottish holiday experience is having the locals going from hostile to insanely friendly when they find out you’re Scottish instead of English x.
Scots and Scousers are the reason why people don’t like the British.
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What yer maw’s phone sees when she opens the little leather phone case & replies “okay x” to your text message x
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I want to go to a pumpkin patch🎃😊💕 but guys only want to pump-n-patch 😫👋💔x.
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