k e i t h 🐤🥔
@KeetPotato
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142,414
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🏠 england, united kingdom, great britain keetpotatomail @gmail .com
Joined July 2012
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Send us removal request.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
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me: "we commemorate the day you died every year"
jesus: "thats nice, what's the day called?"
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: "keith?"
me: "bad friday"
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[ordering cake over phone]
"and what would you like the cake to say?"
[covers phone to ask wife]
"do we want a talking cake?"
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if he cant be trusted with superglue how can we trust him with america?
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burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: "BARK BARK BARK BARK"
burglar: [strokes dog's head]
my dog: "i have misjudged this very nice man"
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cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: "the tigers should be your top priority"
cop: [scribbling out ducks] "obviously"
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doc: "your dad's been in a coma for 9 days, we're running out of ideas"
me: "let me try" [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
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therapist: do any sounds annoy you
me: real sounds or imaginary sounds
therapist: [curious] lets say imaginary
me: spider wearing flip flops
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roses are red
giraffes are very tall
I JUST GOT IMPEACHED FOR MAKING A PERFECT PHONE CALL!
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fiance: "just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he'll agree to marry us"
me: "okay"
[at church]
priest: "it's nice to meet you both"
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] "jesus what happened to this guy?"
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[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] "everybody listen up this is a robbery"
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wife: "you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings"
me: [covering penguin's ears] "he can hear you linda"
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[walking in park]
date: "impress me"
me: "i can talk to animals"
date: "prove it"
me: [to duck] "hello you fucking duck"
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poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
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[designing elevator]
“what if someone presses the wrong floor?”
“fuck em”
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accountant: "youre basically broke"
wife: "he keeps spending money on stupid stuff"
me: "lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid"
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neighbour: [knocks at door] "your dog was barking at 4am this morning"
me: "its almost like he has no concept of time"
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me: [pointing gun in air] "EVERYBODY LISTEN UP THIS IS A ROBBERY"
girl: "dude, this is a library"
me: "oh" [screwing on a silencer] "ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵇᵒᵈʸ ᶫᶦˢᵗᵉᶰ ᵘᵖ ᵗʰᶦˢ ᶦˢ ᵃ ʳᵒᵇᵇᵉʳʸ"
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with extra mice
"rice or mice"
mice
"we don- are u a snake"
yes
"we cant deliver to a snake"
d'you know how long it took to dial this number
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logan paul’s fans in the middle of a super complicated philosophical debate
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my parents: “we don’t have much money now we’re retired”
also my parents:
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mafia boss: "i want you to send tony the rat a message"
me: "like what"
mafia boss: "a horses head or sumthin"
me: [sends txt: "hey tony 🐴"]
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lol what the fuck are all these books?
"Keith, this is the library, man"
oh.. *whispers* what the fuck are all these books?
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[valentine's day]
gf: [reading my txt] "keith just said he's going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight"
her friend: "oh wow"
[later watching shrek 2]
me: "you look disappointed"
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me: “i can’t wait to have the house all to myself”
me with the house all to myself:
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never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
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when your son won’t stop singing songs he learnt from a fucking warthog
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[undoes GFs bra first time]
"wow have you been practicing?"
don't be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
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drug lord: "ill email you when we make the drop, what's your address?"
me: "keith
@fbi
.gov"
loud from my earpiece: "abort keith, abort"
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wife: "no"
me: "its a good name"
wife: "keith we're not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking"
me:
wife:
me: "woofie goldberg"
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charles barkley with the baby filter looks like charles barkley
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melania wont give him her phone number so he sends all his txts on twitter
Getting ready to leave for Poland, after which I will travel to Germany for the G-20. Will be back on Saturday.
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[winnie the pooh meeting]
boss: "lets see what ideas we came up with, the bear needs to be fatter, check, the tiger should have ADHD, check.. anything else?"
me: [from back] "make the donkey suicidal"
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priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]"okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin"
me: "omg he'll be so pleased"
priest: "wait, did you just say he?"
me: "yes"
priest: [picks up phone again]
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ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they're just like "lets stay here and move pots and pans"
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when the moon hits your eye
and there's fur on your thighs
you're a werewolf
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wife: "how are we gonna tell him? he'll be devastated"
me: "i'll find a way"
our son: [drawing a picture of the family] "hi dad"
me: "scribble the dog out"
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social media has changed our entire language
case study:
[what happens when we add a full stop to our response]
“okay” = okay
“okay.” = go fuck yourself
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midwife: "congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he's exactly 7 pounds"
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] "i didn't bring any money"
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kid dressed as dog: "trick or treat"
me:
wife: "give him some chocolate then"
me: "i don't want to kill him linda"
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me: [whispers] "don't tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster"
my wife: [getting out car] "what the hell happened?!"
all 6 firemen: "he made bacon in the toaster"
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chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don't take over the world?
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wife: "this is really your idea of an anniversary present?"
me: [on the other walkie talkie] "you didn't say over, over"
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moses: "what year is it"
god: "1207 BC"
moses: "BC?"
god: "before christ"
moses: "before who?"
god:
moses: "before who?"
god: "just drop it"
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wife: "you shouldn't give him that it's bad for him"
me: [pouring the dog a bowl of dr pepper] "it's made by a doctor linda"
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it takes a big man to admit when he's wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
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drug boss: [goes to stick a knife in bag of cocaine to check it]
me: [knowing how long it took me to bag up] if you just open the flap at th
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kennedy: forgive your enemy but never forget their name
lincoln: leave nothing for tomorrow which can be done today
I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.
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It's so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
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what do flight attendants laugh about so much in their little section at the front of the plane, tell us your secret jokes you flying bastards
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he died doing what he loved, shouting "fuck bears" in the forest
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[at interview]
"ok 1st question you're on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him"
umm
"..."
subwoofer?
"welcome to the navy seals"
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genie: "thats definitely your last wish?"
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] "yes"
genie: "ok"
our dog: "how can i talk all of a sudden?"
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[kelloggs meeting]
noone has any ideas except jim? nobody? fine, what's your idea for the slogan jim?
"they're great?"
i mean why do i even
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[me giving a tour of pillow factory]
guy: "what do you fill the pillows with?"
me: [spotting a family of ducks in tour group] "just stuff"
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90% of being married is just shouting "what" from other rooms
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ed miliband: "any questions?"
guy at the back: "SHOW US WHAT YOU'D LOOK LIKE USING A HUGE TOOTHBRUSH"
http://t.co/MYKGZZzsxv
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me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] "so what do you do for a living?"
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
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have you ever witnessed brands unite like this over something so bad
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[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: "updog.. what's updog?"
[another bottle hits my foot]
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nurse: "if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half"
me: [visibly confused]
wife: "the grapes keith not the baby"
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me: "we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory"
jesus: "they better not be of me dying on a cross"
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: "keith?"
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doctors before an x-ray be like "dont worry this is perfectly safe" and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
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waiter: "have we decided yet sir?"
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] "the margarita pizza please"
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mozart (aged 8): [already famous throughout europe, composes his first symphony]
me (aged 33): [googles how to iron a shirt]
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one of my goals in life is to be on such bad terms with a person that i have to watch their funeral from a distance behind a tree
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how to beat an egg:
- literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
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me: "what's your favorite xmas movie?"
R2D2: "bee-beep bleep boop beep"
me: "die hard isn't a xmas movie you fucking pedal bin"
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if you can't handle me at my worst that is literally my only setting so good luck
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me: "why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?"
therapist: "i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith"
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[interrupts girls at park]
me: "you shouldn't give ducks bread, it's bad for them"
duck: "how about you keep the fuck out of this"
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[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: "it's so beautiful"
me: "can you believe they named this after a website?"
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"what's your most cherished memory keith?"
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
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[lightbulb store]
owner: "what watt can i get you?"
me:
owner:
me:
owner: "did i stutter?"
me: "i dont know"
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[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
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me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF's dog and laughs]
GF: "you'll regret that one day"
me: "why?"
GF: "my dog holds grudges"
me: "don't be stupid"
[one year later]
priest: "does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?"
from the back: "WOOF"
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how many concerts does liam gallagher have to do before they untie him?
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interviewer: "so what makes you think you'd be good at checking tickets at our cinema?"
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
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[1st day as cop]
captain: "why did you call for back up"
me: "there was a fly in my car"
swat team leader: "what exactly do you think we do"
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me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
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How long are Winnie the Pooh and that other stripey bastard going to ignore the fact there's something seriously wrong with Eeyore
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it's strange how people with mental health issues don't do this in other countries, it's almost like there's another reason
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