Nic Sampson
@NicSampson
Followers
12,900
Following
1,491
Media
1,552
Statuses
19,546
Actor, Comedian, Writer and student of this crazy lil thing called life! STARSTRUCK 💫 THE BROKENWOOD MYSTERIES 🔎 THEY SEEM NICE
London/New Zealand
Joined April 2009
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
Eminem
• 216414 Tweets
River
• 199998 Tweets
Celtics
• 151644 Tweets
LeBron
• 120594 Tweets
Lakers
• 87996 Tweets
Deyverson
• 77402 Tweets
Tulsi
• 75680 Tweets
Knicks
• 74679 Tweets
Mineiro
• 67580 Tweets
John Kelly
• 65117 Tweets
Tatum
• 64374 Tweets
Gallardo
• 51042 Tweets
Nacho
• 39811 Tweets
KARIME X MONTSE Y JOE
• 38452 Tweets
Fernando Valenzuela
• 34077 Tweets
GALA X MOJOE
• 32288 Tweets
Fonseca
• 30995 Tweets
GARIME X MOJOE
• 30027 Tweets
Timberwolves
• 26374 Tweets
#RoçaAFazenda
• 22527 Tweets
The Next Prince Q13
• 22434 Tweets
Monumental
• 22402 Tweets
Luana
• 20789 Tweets
Borja
• 20424 Tweets
Mikal Bridges
• 19145 Tweets
東京メトロ
• 15244 Tweets
Mastantuono
• 13507 Tweets
Daisuke
• 13257 Tweets
Randle
• 12347 Tweets
Gobert
• 10998 Tweets
Paulo Diaz
• 10730 Tweets
Pinned Tweet
My show Yellow Power Ranger is on at the Edinburgh Fringe today and every day!
5:45 Assembly Roxy!
It’s going great!
Come along!
5
23
94
Jesus it’s enormous
Apple planning to release biggest iPhone ever in 2020: report
528
2K
10K
1K
110K
710K
A lot of people have been asking about my infamous playlist for having sex so here you go 😉
479
33K
69K
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
108
8K
25K
When I was a kid, I told my class I dreamed of being an actor. A bully laughed at me and told me I was too ugly.
Today, after years of hard work, roadblocks and struggle, I finally managed to hit that bully with my car.
Don’t give up x
48
871
14K
Read the first word of each of my tweets on my timeline to uncover a fun hidden message!!
145
1K
4K
Has anyone checked on Mr Bean during all of this? Man lives alone and is frankly a huge danger to himself.
20
278
4K
Me: "Oh btw can I get a receipt for this session, I'm trying to fuck this guy who does these condescending balloon captions"
Therapist: "Mary, cancel the rest of my appointments for today"
9
386
3K
Help the elderly! I called the gnarled Witch in the woods to ask if she needs any supplies picking up since she’s over 700 years old (high risk). She asked me to bring as much brown sugar mustard glaze as I can carry and ‘not to worry if some of it spills on my plump thighs.’
4
261
2K
Gonna brag for a second sorry but this year has been huge for me:
1) got my foot stuck in wet cement beside the bus station
2) a video of me crying & trying to free myself went viral
3) people started rubbing my nose for luck on the way to work
4) saw the guy from The Bodyguard
10
128
2K
I’m just a:
⚪️Girl
⚪️Boy
🔘Turtle
Standing in front of a:
⚪️Boy
⚪️Girl
🔘Rock
Asking:
⚪️Him to love her.
⚪️Her to love him.
🔘If it’s another turtle.
9
271
2K
Guys I’m so fucking sorry but I was cleaning my computer and I accidentally deleted No Time To Die (I’m the editor) this is absolutely my bad but please don’t make me feel more shit than I already do!!
20
49
2K
Mind BLOWN
F*R*I*E*N*D*S:
Feebee
Ross
Imonica
Erachel
Njoey
Dchandler
Schwimmer, david
22
460
2K
ME: Honey who is it?
*My best friend at the door holds up a card that reads "Say it's carol singers"*
MY WIFE: It's carol singers...
ME *sprinting to the door*: I fucking love carol singers!
6
206
2K
My wife paid Steve-O five hundred bucks on Cameo to tell me she wants a 'gnarly divorce'
9
95
2K
Saddened to hear of the passing of Geeble the Men In Black worm. I worked with Geeble years ago on an ad for dog worm tablets, I was new to the industry & nervous, but he made me feel at ease with a big pot of coffee and a friendly “Zabika Za Gwatta”. I never forgot that.
15
87
2K
While Facebook has been collecting data from us, I’ve also been collecting data from Facebook.
So far I’ve got:
1) favourite colour = blue
2) seems to know all my aunts
I’ll keep digging.
10
191
2K
Nothing is more humiliating for my laptop than when I use it to look up new, better laptops
14
118
2K
You may only leave your home for food, education, work, exercise, a lovely walk, solving a mystery, if you see a balloon, for revenge, for secret reasons, if you think there might be frogs down the creek, or if you don’t want to be at home
11
379
2K
One of the first things you learn in screenwriting is if a character moves from a small town to the big city, you must have them step into the road and almost get hit by a loud, honking car
31
82
2K
*The Home Improvement Reunion*
James Corden: Tim, you were a vocal Trump supporter, and compared being a conservative in Hollywood to being Jewish in Nazi Germany. So let me ask you this -
Tim Allen: ...uh...
James Corden: What was your favourite time you went AAaaaoooaAa??
4
124
2K
Tell me someone in yellow more iconic than her.
3K
473
6K
38
252
1K
Not into this new Little Mermaid, simply nothing realistic about an ocean creature taking a look at our world now and wanting to get involved
2
109
1K
Flying back to New Zealand tomorrow, anyone need anything from Countdown?
46
51
1K
Me: “Rube can you pass me a beer?”
Rube Goldberg: “of course”
(starts setting up many dominoes)
Me: “for fu—you know what Rube forget it. I think you should just leave.”
Rube: “I’ll get my coat”
(sadly rolls a marble towards a mousetrap)
7
182
1K
Pua Magasiva was hugely talented, funny, charming and just lovely to be around the times we worked together. This is so so sad.
9
195
980
A cop who has been shot but then makes a breakthrough with the case.
14
107
1K
Thinking about becoming impossibly hot and telling people to love their bodies.
7
79
1K
Brb just gonna pop over to a couple different apps to see if anything’s changed in the last 6 seconds, see you back here in another 6 seconds!
5
78
944
Would be a class move if Liz threw her hat straight back in the ring for PM
4
41
915
Lois Lane: Superman. It’s you!
Superman: *puts on glasses*
LL: Oh, Clark? I didn’t see you there.
S: *puts toothpick in mouth*
LL: Clark’s sarcastic friend Alphonse? What a wicked surprise!
S: *puts on cowboy hat*
LL: Sheriff Merryweather! Trouble down at the stables again?
8
129
858
Harry Potter and The Genitals Of Everybody Written Down In A Big List
5
81
843
Do they have to position my body so it looks like I've died of shame?
Say goodbye to coffins! These organic burial pods will turn your body into a tree after you die. What do you think of this?
1K
7K
32K
18
82
861
18 years ago we spent a week looking after eggs for school. I thought that was it.
Look who just turned up and wants 2 get to know his dad 😬
2
168
810
Quiet quitting my job as a goon. No more coming in on my day off to haul glowing rocks from the pit. No more guarding 'the device' for 12hrs straight without lunch. No more responding to the cry 'seize them!' with pavlovian haste.
7
137
787
Heart goes out to the millions of shitty people who are hurting right now x
7
62
758
*First day in a marching band*
ME: guys what if we all just sat down?
*stunned silence*
CONDUCTOR: I...I never considered...boy, what’s your name?
ME: Billy, sir....Billy J Orchestra
3
78
765
It would mean a lot to me if the people of New Zealand would go back into lockdown too as a sign of solidarity
53
31
732
Still reeling from the devastating
#TheCrown
episode where Prince Andrew loses his ability to sweat in the Falklands
6
47
694
After a stressful week my favourite thing is relax in a hot bath with a glass of chilled wine and stare at my phone full of nightmares.
5
67
686
I’ve figured out the secret hand gestures bands do to the sound guy during gigs:
Pointing at guitar and pointing up = “I saw another guitar on the roof earlier, remind me to get it after the gig”
Pointing at guitar and pointing down = “My guitar is sleepy, prepare its cot.”
7
110
624
my daughter: daddy, what does the tooth fairy do with my tooth?
me: well...she collects all the baby teeth from all the good boys and girls and then she puts them in the mouth of Sonic the Hedgehog.
15
91
627
RIP Paddles. How many more celebrities must you take from us, cruel year of our Lord 2017?
3
99
581
Wrote a new jingle for Four Seasons Total Landscaping that I hope they’ll use!
23
128
586
Son of Guy Who Created The Hamburglar: “Dad, I got a promotion at work.”
Guy Who Created The Hamburglar:
Son of Guy Who Created The Hamburglar:
Guy Who Created The Hamburglar: “Not the same as creating The Hamburglar though, is it?”
4
89
564
It would be cool to see a new extra season of Entourage where all the characters are in jail now.
3
47
545
Girls don't like boys
Girls like fish and honey
Girls will growl if boys
Try steal their honey
Girls got thick fur ok
I'm thinkin of bears
5
117
493
Petition to remake Game Of Thrones so all the dragons are wearing shirts but no bottoms like Winnie The Pooh!
3
55
499
Some more things I would have liked to have seen in Detective Pikachu:
15
120
469
“I’m not here to make friends” - Matt LeBlanc on the set of ‘Joey’
4
77
478
Playing Red Dead Redemption and my cowboy has a persistent cough. I’m sure it’s nothing!
14
16
450
Vigil season 2 but I don’t know anything about submarines:
11
57
457
Congrats on landing this under pressure
@mralistairgreen
In 1990, a badly installed window blew out of a BA flight from the UK to Spain, causing the captain to be sucked halfway out at an altitude of 17,000 feet. The crew had to cling on to the captain's legs for over 30 minutes while emergency landing. All survived.
334
974
12K
7
3
443
This new Jack Reacher is still nothing like the books! The Reacher in the books is much taller and thicker and walks on all fours and has a long neck for reaching tall Jurassic leaves.
10
27
431
6 Reasons Kiwi Women Are The Worst:
1) too feathery
2) Poor eyesight
3) noses too long
4) easy prey for stoats
5) eat bugs
6) slow birthrate
7
79
409
Every year we ask that Nirvana baby to jump back in a pool and show us how big he is now and nobody enjoys it.
4
27
399
Feeling sad thinking how the Hulk was probably just angry cos he needed glasses the whole time.
5
48
376
I always ask how old a dog is and I always have no idea what to do with the information
16
23
376
me: how do i get better sleep?
article: eliminate caffeine and alcohol, eat 3 hours before bed, exercise daily--
me: no no no absolutely not I mean is there something i can BUY like a lamp
3
60
373
Hi
@FOXTV
still haven’t heard back RE my pitch for a Halloween episode of the show House where House is chasing a killer that turns out to be himself - ‘The Call Is Coming From Inside The House’.
Please reply!
Also, do you still make the show ‘House’?!
2
30
351
“Never look a gift pumpkin in the carrot”
“Grapes of a feather, bunch together”
“You’re a real one-trick muffin”
“A bag of potatoes is a man’s best friend”
Words matter, and as our understanding of social justice evolves, our language evolves along with it. Here’s how to remove speciesism from your daily conversations.
36K
10K
32K
11
48
339
Three Years Old And Already An Auckland Homeowner: Toddler Simon Brown owns four Titirangi properties already so why are you still renting?
13
113
325
Don’t be afraid of Covid! The president got it and after 3 days was able to sway *and* gasp down air at the same time and all he needed was to be pumped full of experimental steroids by the most expensive doctors in the world.
3
47
325
The Riddler: lets play a game you and I...
Batman: my parents used to play games with me :’(
The Riddler: ah dude...dude I’m sorry I didn’t even think...
3
58
320
Sorry to be controversial but I think Louis CK should probably not win a grammy because he is a sexual predator
15
26
303
We have a brilliant, pregnant, unwed woman under forty leading our country, and she was preceded by a guy who will be remembered mainly for putting pinapple and spaghetti on a pizza.
14
46
309
I have an idea for the new Air New Zealand safety video. The theme is: an airplane...that is taking off...and the ‘characters’ (could be played by real crew??) must explain the safety procedures succinctly.
12
19
307
I hope my cheese’s last wish was to be in a Janet Jackson music video
2
32
281
Pretty much all the people I met in managed isolation were coming home for distressing reasons, job loss, family bereavement etc. Charging them $3000 for the privilege can’t be the way
#teamofsixmillion
If you’re concerned abt the NZ Govt departing from publicly funded quarantine & moving down a user-pays path (a policy proposed by National but that Govt is “considering”) tweet in support of keeping quarantine publicly funded, using
#teamofsixmillion
, before Cabinet meeting 2mro
7
59
110
7
68
288
2019: everyone's loving ClownFace, the fun app that let's you see what your face would look like as a clown.
2025: those still alive are in hiding deep underground, forever hunted by their tireless Clownbot replicas
5
75
278
When I have 4533 unread emails: I have no emails
When I have 4534 unread emails: oh hey I’ve got an email
0
14
273
An Instagram of my pregnant wife: ‘this incredible woman is growing a tiny human! He’s fully formed already with shoes and a tiny briefcase! He’s going to sleep in my shirt pocket, he is married already!”
1
17
264
After a long day at work the last thing a dentist wants to do is brush their own teeth so mostly none of them do
1
25
262
When I go to the supermarket I get a little treat just for me, even though the rest of the food I’m buying is also just for me.
7
11
248
Really cannot fathom the real-time experience of having to clap solidly for 22 minutes aka an entire episode of The Simpsons
14
22
246
He was a Sk8er Boi
She said ‘see you later boy’
He wasn't good enough for her
Now he's a barista
Sells ecstasy from his car
Guess her assessment of him was right.
1
28
251
Every group of drunk dudes has to have one little guy leaping in the air to touch a shop sign
2
18
247
The killers: I’ve got soul
Me: uh oh
The killers: but I’m not a soldier
Me: oh whew
3
23
243
God help the 10,000 people who follow this incredibly mixed and random playlist on Spotify, some of whom must surely have legitimately trying to bang to it.
3
11
239
I have completely forgotten every single person who doesn’t have a statue.
3
25
236
If I was Trump I’d be like “yeah I called him Tim Apple, so what? He’s a big nerd. Tim Apple, Gary Google, Ronald McDonald’s, who cares. If you want people to know your last name so bad put it on the side of all your buildings.”
2
8
240
To think, i used to practice kissing on my mirror and now here i am, 31 years old and soon to be blessed with the birth of my second half-human half-mirror child from my strong and beautiful mirror-wife
2
22
223
Scary time for men, it seems like there’s nothing at all we can do to avoid being given the most high profile jobs in the world.
2
35
224
May I be the last to say this season of Taskmaster NZ is just the absolute funniest most joyful show and it regularly makes me convulse with laughter, congrats to everyone involved and no i can’t comment on how I’m watching it outside of NZ.
5
11
223
Sasquatch: did they see me?
Friend: one guy even got you on video!they’re obsessed with you!
Sasquatch: omg. I was so worried about finally showing myself. you know how self conscious i am about my body image. especially my feet!
Friend: ...
Sasquatch: what do they call me?
2
30
206
God: and when you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you
Me: what about when I saw ten sets?
God: that’s when I became a big centipede for a bit
Me: very cool
God: right?
1
38
202