Because tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I love you all, my latest book is free on Kindle from 8am until 8am on Sunday GMT

Hi all, Yesterday, Mr Johnson caught one of our PGCE trainees giving a pen to a pupil who was not on the Disadvantaged Register. The Trainee has been ordered to leave The Academy and the pupil has received a 2 hour detention for tomorrow evening. Thanks x

Hi all, Our new Head of Performance, Mr Johnson, has received several complaints after he was overheard to say he’s “putting on the dirtiest of spectacles”. We’d like to put your minds at rest and clarify that he was taking about his bifocals, not upcoming Academy Shows. Thanks x

Hi all, The flooding of the 6th floor toilets proved to be an advantage today, as a quick thinking Geography teacher (there’s not many of those!) decided they could study the resulting waterfall instead of taking 10Z to Devon to study Canonteign Falls during half term. Thanks x

Hi all, Please remember to bring your own devices to tonight’s 5 hour CPD session: Continuing Use of New Technology and Systems. It’s a long title but we just couldn’t think of a suitable acronym. Thanks x

@HELENLOVE123 Don’t beat about the bush... Say what you mean… 😉

Hi all, Please remind Year 11 pupils that to qualify for a Prom Ticket, they must attend 2500 after-school sessions, have at leat 3000 positive behaviour points and never have had a detention in KS3 or KS4. The tickets cost £90. Thanks x

Hi all, Just to let you know Boy Jayden’s mum has had another baby. He is feeling happy, neglected, angry, and ecstatic. Please cut him some slack if he appears a little out of sorts. They have called the baby, Vienetta, as it was conceived in Iceland, by the icecreams. Thanks x

@pauleggleston 👏👏👏 awesome!

@fentonstevens @MyTCpod @JeffHolland07 Saw him in “And this is my friend, Mr Laurel” at the Fringe a few years ago. One of the best things I’ve ever seen! Wonderful work 🙂👏

Hi all, We have a new starter in Year 10 tomorrow. He is a very nice young man but speaks very little English and understands very little of our society and modern ways. Please be patient with him as he is a very long way from home and is really missing Middlesbrough. Thanks x

Hi all, We have a vacancy for a TA working with the English Department. This would be ideal for any of the English teachers we are making redundant as you’d be doing exactly the same job, but for a third of the salary. Thanks x

@mflpickandmicks Then it’s time for you to change schools… 🙄

@CharB666 @g_gosden Everything!

@SteveJuggler @LeicsComedyFest Hope it all goes swimmingly for you! 🙂

@Herring1967 There you go…

@floboflo Most of them look like they might need help doing up their cardigan buttons or taking themselves to the toilet…

@g_gosden You are mistaken. She is almost as godlike as I am…