Paul's Jokes
@MoreTwitty
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You'll flip for my clean, funny #jokes old & new! Paul AKA morewitty & Yam Man. If you think it's funny, please share the laughs with your followers -- RETWEET!
Joined August 2014
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Pinned Tweet
If everything were written in Hebrew, there'd be nothing left to right!
#cleanjoke
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To borrow a biblical term, couldn't the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called "the road to de-mask us?"
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Homespun hero saves homes from being spun!
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NO JOKE
Great to see
#JesusSaves
trending (and, no, that's not urging investment)!
But what DOES it mean?
Jesus is available, willing, and able to save people who are in rebellion against Him.
He loves you and is able to save you from your sinful desires and self-destruction.
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Moses did it first.
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Here's a joke my my daughter just came up with:
Do they make Swiss cheese out of hole milk?
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Assembly of God?
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Did you hear Disney just came out with a movie called Christopher Robin Hood? It's the story of a guy who takes from the rich and gives to the Pooh.
#cleanjoke
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Sorry, I meant to send this earlier!
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Not sure, but the guy on the right's unarmed!
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I try not to have coffee at work because it sometimes wakes me up and it's very jarring to suddenly find myself there.
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Overheard:
I opened the door to my closet and found a huge lion! I said, "What are you doing here?"
He said, "Narnia business."
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NO JOKE
Got laid off yesterday after 18 years at the company -- they said my tweets weren't funny enough (OK, THAT part was a joke -- it was actually due to a reorg).
But God's been good (got a nice severance package & am eligible for early retirement -- so we should be fine).
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This really is the perfect season for orange:
The color of pumpkins, Trump, and the jumpsuit many folks think Hillary should be wearing.
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Some ultra-liberals say they'll move to Canada (or some other country) if Trump wins. Now that's MY idea of a great immigration policy!
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And also please pray for my roofer -- he came down with the shingles!
Pray for my chimney sweep. He came down with the flue.
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Lots of scary TV on now. My wife was watching a show with an evil witch and a beastly ogre. I said, "BABE, turn off the election coverage!"
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OVERHEARD
A man knocks on the door of a fortune teller.
"Who's there?" comes the reply.
Disappointed, the man walks away.
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OVERHEARD
Me: "Alexa, surely you can find me some funny jokes."
Alexa: "I can -- but don't call me Shirley!"
** me realizing Alexa was in "Airplane" mode **
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I sometimes hear someone say something is "too chocolatey." To me those words should ONLY be used together in a sentence like, "I'd like two chocolatey doughnuts, please."
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Old Joke for
#StPatricksDay2018
:
If you find a 4-leaf clover, don't try to "save" it by putting it in a book or ironing it!
In other words ... don't press your luck.
#cleanjoke
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I like to load up the lazy susan, give it a quick whirl & see where all the food ends up. I call it a "fidget spinner dinner."
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We couldn't afford to get the kayak my son wanted for his birthday, so we got a cake shaped like one. Now he can have his kayak and eat it, too.
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Follower: "How do you squeeze jokes to fit tweets?"
Paul: "I take out the unfunny parts."
Follower: "But with your jokes that's everything!"
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Can't believe my team (Wash. Redskins) got an all-expense paid trip to London to play the Cincinnati Bengals, and all I got was a lousy tie!
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Congratulations to the Cubs in their exciting & historic victory in the World Series!!
(OK, can we get back to focussing on football now?)
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OLD JOKE
A mom gives up twins for adoption. 1 is raised in Egypt & named Amal. The other in Spain & named Juan. Years later Juan sends his photo to her. She loves it & longs for a photo of her other son. Her friend says, "They're identical! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
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Once I accidentally drilled into myself. It hurt a bit! (But I won't bore you with the hole story.)
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"So you're NOT a cannibal?"
"No, it's just when swimming I do cannonballs."
(I never know how these job interviews get so far off track.)
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Follower: "How do you keep old jokes fresh?"
Paul: "I pull them out every couple of decades or so & tweak as necessary."
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My cousin has 2 SUPER BOWL tickets worth $2,500 each, but didn't realize when he bought them it was going to be the same day as his wedding! He is looking for someone to take his place...
It's 3pm at Detroit's Temple Hill Church. Karen is 5'2, blond & will be in a white dress.
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My daughter works with first graders in a Christian school and heard one ask a teacher, "When are you going to teach us curse words?"
The teacher said, "Do you mean how to write in cursive?" And the student said, "Yeah, that's it!"
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Cute joke my daughter heard:
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of it's paws,
a comma is for when you pause at the end of a clause.
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Did you ever notice that in John chapter 3, Nicodemus visits Jesus in the evening? (It was an early example of Nic at Nite.)
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Here's a joke my my daughter came up with:
Do they make Swiss cheese out of hole milk?
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Still can't figure out why I need special glasses to look at one of these!
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Went to a neighbor's house for coffee this morning and noticed they had a very pleasant Christmas tree. They felt the same about ours, so we ended up swapping!
We did finally get around to having coffee ... but only after an exchange of pleasant trees.
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Re: the attached:
Talk about a scary time of year! We've had Halloween, the coming election, and now Open Enrollment.
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Here's a joke my son came up with:
If a police chief is named Hank, do they call him Hank or Chief?
#cleanjoke
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NO JOKE
Guess it's NOT a fluke:
Congratulations to my daughter,
@Ruthtwitty2
, who was just selected to go to Virginia All State Chorus for the 2ND YEAR IN A ROW!
She was the top 1st alto selected from her district (not that I'm a proud papa or anything)!
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Couch? Before I expanded the picture I thought it was a pizza!
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My pastor has a master's degree and is working on another one. But I thought the Bible said no man can have two masters?
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Ever walk by the freezer in your grocery store and something just calls your name?
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NO JOKE
May the historical reality of the resurrection of Jesus Christ make a difference in your life today & everyday.
Happy Easter!
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