Church Curmudgeon
@ChrchCurmudgeon
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It ain't the way it used to be, I'll tell you that. He/Hymn.
At church
Joined November 2010
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! Chumbawamba 3:16
When you get knocked down, you have to get back up again. God didn’t bring you this far to leave you.
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Turns out that asymptomatic Christianity doesn't spread either.
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Pastors, your periodic reminder: That guy who really, really wants to teach the eschatology Sunday School class?
Don’t let him teach the eschatology Sunday School class.
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This is like having a pre-tribber and post-tribber in your Revelation Sunday School class.
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I just had a dream about 7 empty toilet paper rolls eating 7 full toilet paper rolls.
Does anyone have an interpretation?
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My pastor’s excited about the
#FIFAWorldCup
starting tomorrow. He wants to watch somebody else struggle to make three points in 90 minutes for a change.
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I’ll say it again.
Shouldn’t be able to call yourself “First Baptist” if you lose to an unranked church.
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Come to our Soak It All In meeting Wednesday night at 6:30.
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Pro tip: Don't let the guy who really, really wants to teach eschatology teach eschatology.
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Between Pentecostal and Baptist worship styles, I prefer Baptist, hands down.
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You are made in the image of God.
And so is the other jerk you’re arguing with.
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Pastor: “How are you going to handle the reopening?”
Worship Leader: “We’ll cross that bridge 8 times when we come to it.”
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Not the Onion, not the Bee.
Satire is now dead to me.
The Ayn Rand Institute received a PPP loan of between $350K and $1 million
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Nearer, My God, to Thee
Just 4 pieces of bacon a week can raise risk of heart disease
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Do King James Only churches post their sermons on ThouTube?
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All those times your youth pastor told you to stay away from parties where there was drinking doesn’t seem so stupid now, does it?
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He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake.
But enough about Mark Zuckerberg.
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I want to buy one of those driverless cars, get the bumpersticker that says “In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned,” and ride around in the passenger seat with the windows down, screaming.
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Pentecostals will always beat Baptists at basketball. You have to raise your hands to play defense.
#ORU
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When you accidentally pray for a hedge of protection instead of travelling mercies.
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The Presbyterian church down the street let kids play in the sprinklers during VBS.
In other news, their baptism numbers are up 73%.
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Think I’m going to produce a movie called “God’s Not Deaf” and market it to worship leaders and sound techs.
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Welp, Hannity is booked tomorrow morning, so our church will have to settle for a minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
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Maybe instead of the Libertarian Party, we could start a Librarian Party so I could tell everyone to just be quiet.
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I went to a Calvinist school.
Not that I had a choice.
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Today, 1/21/21, is a palindrome.
Savor it. It won't happen again until tomorrow.
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Calvinist VBS next week. No need to invite your friends.
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We got one of those Acts 29 preachers.
He's 47, but he acts 29.
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Still time to finish the Bible reading plan you dropped in February.
Thurs: Leviticus 2 – Job 42
Fri: Psalm 1 – Malachi 4
Sat: Matthew 1 – 2 Corinthians 13
Sun: Galatians 1 – Revelation 22
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When you look through the bulletin and there aren’t any hymns.
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At a homeschool girls' soccer game. The coaches sound like they're screaming a sermon outline.
Faith! Hope! Charity! GRAAAAACE!!!
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Thank you to the anonymous donor of this new couch for the youth room. Definitely an upgrade.
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A Colorado rancher has been charged with feeding marijuana to his Angus cattle.
It’s an unprecedented case, and the steaks are high.
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I requested a .pdf of the instruction book for my phone, but they haven't sent it yet.
O come, O come, e-manual!
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Why do seminaries call it graduation instead of casting out D.Mins?
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Well, I went forward for prayer and ran into the tv.
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ATHEISM: The belief that impersonal time and random chance can bring inanimate matter to spontaneously generate increasingly complex self-replicating data, eventually resulting in beings with electro-chemical impulses that make statements like this.
CHRISTIANITY: Belief that one God created a universe 13.79 billion yrs old, 93 billion light yrs in diameter (1 light yr = approx. 6 trillion miles), consisting of over 200 billion galaxies, each containing ave. of 200 billion stars, only to have a personal relationship with you.
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“This ain’t your grandma’s church!”
Yep, wouldn’t want to be like that lady who prayed for you every day of your life.
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However accurate, “Doing Life Together” is not a good name for your prison small group ministry.
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The discipline of defending the moon landing against skeptics is called Apollogetics.
#Apollo11at50
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They call it a "selfie" because "narcissistie" is too hard to spell.
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My sin--oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part, but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more;
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
#ThirdVerse
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Heaven and earth may pass away, but the glitter that gets on your clothes from Christmas cards endures forever.
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Lord, let your servant depart in peace, for my ears have heard the stupidity of a lifetime.
The prayer to open the 117th Congress ended with “Amen” and “Awoman”
🙄🙄🙄
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How do you know when you’re talking to a church planter?
Looks 40, Acts 29.
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A Calvinist and an Arminian walked into a bar. It was the Arminian’s decision, so the Calvinist had no choice.
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After evaluating this week’s worship team rehearsal, the board of deacons has made a motion to go ahead and let the rocks cry out this Sunday.
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Here's the "Finish the Bible in a Year Plan That You Dropped In February."
Dec. 28: Leviticus 3 - Nehemiah 13
Dec. 29: Esther 1 - Ezekiel 48
Dec. 30: Daniel 1 - John 21
Dec. 31: Acts 1 - Revelation 22
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Want to go to a conference that features a small-time pastor that nobody’s ever heard of?
It’s called “church.”
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Someone hacked my account and has been posting terrible puns here for the past 12 years.
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Somewhere, there's an old man tired of how the worship leader repeats choruses, so he's staying home to watch cars drive 200x in an oval.
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Today is not the most important election of your life.
- John Calvin
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Some conversation suggestions for millennials at Thanksgiving dinner with your parents:
A: Thanks for cooking!
B: May I help with dishes?
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Up at Nicæa, bishops pause –
Arius and Santa Claus!
One claims a time when the Son was not;
One says that’s a heretical thought.
Ho! ho! ho!
Who’s gonna go?
Ho! ho! ho!
Who’s gonna go?
Off with a right hook, good St. Nick;
Down goes the dirty heretic.
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The Methodists held an outdoor service today.
The sprinklers came on.
Hundreds were saved.
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If the pastor sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of this sermon series.
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Still time to finish the Bible Reading Plan you dropped in Leviticus!
Mon: Leviticus – 1 Chron
Tues: 2 Chron – Jeremiah
Wed: Lamentations – Habakkuk
Thu: Zeph – 1 Cor
Fri: 2 Cor – Titus
Sat: Philemon – Revelation
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This is as good a time as any to remind you that you are created in the image of God.
So is the other jerk you’re arguing with.
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Between Pentecostal and Baptist worship styles, I prefer Baptist, hands down.
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Want to go to a conference that features a small-time pastor that nobody’s ever heard of?
It’s called “church.”
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Just your annual reminder:
You are made in the image of God.
So is the other idiot you’re arguing with.
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I am a C
I am a C H
I am a C H R I S T I A N
And I need some C O F F E E
In my C U P
Before I P U N C H S O M E B O D Y
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Skipping the Keto diet and going straight for the Cheeto diet.
When your skin turns orange, you’ve achieved Cheetosis.
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I have buried a lot of good friends who went to war against that salute, and I believe they would do it again.
Shame on you.
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If they really want to shock and offend people, they should have the Gaithers do the halftime show next year.
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There are a few people among us who would rather die singing together than live silently alone.
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I thought that there would be flying cars by now, but instead I'm waving my hands in front of a paper towel dispenser to see if it will give me one small square that will leave them wet regardless.
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In these unprecedented times, there is nothing new under the sun.
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How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb in the sanctuary?
They hire a Pentecostal, so they won’t be seen raising their hands in church.
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An unmasked man entered the bank today. Everyone screamed in fear until he was tackled by security.
My, how the tables have turned.
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According to a peer-reviewed study, this nation has lost its ever-loving mind.
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When everything gets back to normal, I’m going to start every email with, “In these precedented and certain times . . .”
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Useful phrases for dining with people who differ politically at Thanksgiving.
"Please pass the potatoes."
"Hey, save me some dark meat!"
"This pie is amazing!"
"Is that brown sugar on the yams?"
"Green bean casserole. Dude."
"Stuffed. S T U F F E D."
"Thanks for having us over!"
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Pastor wants you to be as excited about church as you are about football.
So go ahead and dump Gatorade over his head when he makes the last point of his sermon.
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When I started this account, I thought it would be funny to have someone on Twitter who was always upset about something.
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The worship leader’s been in the bathroom for hours.
Someone told him to sing a song while washing his hands, and he got stuck on the bridge.
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Little known fact: She got tired of writing Corrie Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom.
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I personally think more Awana should be legalized.
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New every morning:
a. Twitter’s outrages
b. the Lord’s mercies
Choose wisely.
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When you've used a hymnal your entire life, and suddenly there are words on the wall.
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I remember when every Sunday was prayer day, and nobody needed the government to tell us.
Remember, Sunday is National Prayer Day (by Presidential Proclamation)!
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When God rescued a saint, he provided a sacrificial ram.
When the NFL rescued the Rams, they provided sacrificial Saints.
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I’ll just say this. A thirteen hour meeting is the most Baptist way to come to half a conclusion.
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How I miss mine Ebenezer;
No one knows what that word means.
Will not someone, old and wiser,
Teach the guys in skinny jeans?
Yes, I know that, in this culture,
That’s how no one ever talks;
If we all refuse to learn, we’re
Dumber than a pile of rocks.
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For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given:
and the government shall be upon his shoulder:
and his name shall be called
Wonderful,
Counsellor,
The mighty God,
The everlasting Father,
The Prince of Peace.
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When I started this account, I thought it would be funny to have someone on Twitter who was complaining about things all the time.
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If the worship leader sees his shadow, he’ll sing the bridge six more times.
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Sleep is God’s way of asking, “Have you tried turning it off and turning it back on again?”
Good night, sinners.
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In those days there was no king in Israel; everyone did what was right in his own eyes.
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