Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes...
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
I’m a pet sitter and the client I just met with is clearly a bachelor in his 30s. As he was showing me around, he saw his cat’s toy was broken. He told me not to worry, because he’ll replace the ribbons before he leaves because it’s her fav. Someone have a baby with this man.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they'll hate it
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that's impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Dad: it’s time we had “the talk”
Me: oh, I already know about dancing the forbidden polka
Dad: the what?
Me: ya know, boppin’ squiddles??
Dad: excuse me
Me: slaying the vadragon??
Dad: what?!?
Me: disappointing the wife
Dad: oh sex, right
Today I was walking down an icy snow drift when this guy holds his hand out to me. So I shake his hand, but he doesn’t shake back. You guys, he was trying to help me down so I wouldn’t fall and I responded by shaking his hand like I was president of the snow drift.
Imagine a restaurant called, “Hi Hungry, I’m Dad”.
The waiters are dads in their grass stained sneakers and t-shirts. The food on the menu, all puns. ex) a Robert Brownie Jr.
And may God have mercy on the souls of those who mess with the thermostat.
3 yo daughter: I had a bad dream about flamingos.
Me: Why was it a bad dream?
3: They we’re not being nice, they were being flaMEANgos. *tilts head back and laughs*
I’ve never been so proud in my entire life.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I’ve got 99 problems, and being direct could solve most of them but the idea of confrontation is completely terrifying and makes me want to crawl in a hole and die. Anyways thanks for inviting me to this rap battle, I think it’s going really well.
Husband: did you really just spend thousands of dollars on a fish tank for a single blowfish
Me:
Husband:
Me: David Blowie and I don’t need this kind of negativity in our lives
Ladies, if he:
- is always late
- never shaves
- eats 10% of his weight a day in plant matter
- leaves you every winter for warmer waters
He’s not your man, he’s a manatee.
My kid was upset about being in time-out, so she did the only logical thing her 4-yr old brain could think of, which was to act like a pikachu using a thunder attack on me. Then we stared at each other in silence until she whispered, “nothing is working, she’s too powerful”.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Our bodies should lose weight according to the amount of calories we wanted to eat, but didn’t. For example, I wanted to eat 5 pieces of pizza, but I only ate 2. That’s 900 calories I’m cancelling out. Take notes, my thighs.
I love everything about shark week. Decorating the shark tree, singing shark carols, having the neighbors slam the door in your face for singing the shark carols... it’s magical
Crazy Customer: You just lost yourself a customer!!
Me: Oh no *putting on a party hat*
Crazy Customer: I am NEVER coming here again
Me: that’s awful *popping a bottle of champagne*
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Him: when I said I wanted to buy you a drink, this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: ok, but if I get a medium slurpee instead of the large, will you buy me the gummy bears too?
No man is all 4:
1. Swift as a coursing river
2. Has all the force of a great typhoon
3. Has all the strength of a raging fire
4. Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.
[first day selling guns]
Me: Have you tried killing them with kindness?
Customer: I need 500 rounds of 9mm
Me: how bout 500 rounds of applause :)
Manager: Megan, a word please?
I had a professor who gave my class personalized horoscopes based on our birth times & location. People were commenting on how crazy accurate the results were until he told that we all had the same copy of Hitler’s horoscope. And that was the day I found my new role model
I know it might not be a big deal to most people, but I finally got the courage to wear what I want since leaving the Mormon church. Here’s to porn shoulders and not wearing layers in 80 degree weather!
New idea. Onesie Pajamas with a butt flap that extends all the way to the front so I never have to take off my clothes for sex again. I call them “Wham! Bam! Thank You, Jams”.
🎶It’s the circle of life 🎶
Rafiki: *presents baby Simba*
🎶and it moves us all 🎶
Safari Animals: *cheer and bow*
🎶through despair and hope 🎶
Antelope: MUFASA ATE MY MOM YESTERDAY
🎶through faith and love🎶
Antelope: IT’S COOL, GUYS. JUST KEEP ON SINGING.
Me: *goes out of town for 2 days, comes back to find 6 months of laundry has piled up and the children have now created their own government*
Me: what happened?!
My husband: don’t be mad, but honestly, I have no idea
My daughter was asleep in her carseat and my music was on shuffle when “The Phantom of the Opera” starts blaring. I hurried and changed it so it wouldn’t wake her up, but then I hear, “turn it back on because it’s scary and I like skeletons.” Kids are weird, man.
We need to quit making weddings fun. Let’s make the couple show us they really want to be with each other. First, they have to swim through a sewer. Then, the dinner is at Applebee’s. If they can stand to do that for each other, then it’s love.
Me: what if penises rolled up like fruit roll-ups whenever guys were turned off?
Pharmacist: I meant, do you have any questions regarding your prescription
Me: haha nope
Pharmacist: next time, don’t wait so long for your refill
My 4-yr old was sitting on my lap and she felt the baby kick her in the back. She immediately started crying about the baby kicking her. This baby isn’t even born and they are already fighting. God help me.
Investor: after spending millions of dollars on this investment, I’m so excited to finally see real live dinosaurs
Me: *about to dramatically open the gates to Giraffic Park* ...dinosaurs?
Detective: since your wife is missing, we need a sample of her hair for DNA
Husband: how about ALL the hair on her pillow case??
Detective: that’s fine-
Husband: perhaps the brush she never cleans out???
Detective: uhh-
Husband: OR *angrily gestures at the shower drain*
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Satan: I really try to personalize your experience here in hell
Me: what do you mean?
Satan: for example, you’ll be rooming with two people; one who eats loudly and the other who randomly bursts into song in public
Me: OH NO
Satan: *hugging me* you aren’t just a number to me
[red carpet event]
Reporter: tell us about your dress.
Me: I only paid $10 dollars for it!
Reporter: I meant who was the designer?
Me: I dunno, but it has POCKETS!
(Improv show)
Me: I need a location
Audience Member: a house
Me: okay, next I need-
Audience Member: a house where you don’t mess with the goddamn thermostat
Me: *squinting to see* dad??
Boss: you can’t keep your beta fish at the office anymore
Me: it’s actually a-
Boss: a Pi Beta Phi fish, I know
Me: but-
Boss: he literally lives in a bowl of jagermeister and lives off of dorito crumbs. It’s just way too douchy for the office
Me: :( bro
Doctor: with birth control pills, there can be negative side effects like weight gain, increased chance of stroke-
Me: are there other options?
Doctor: I know a witch who will place a curse on you to render you completely barren
Me: ooh let’s do that one
One time a guy asked me on a date and told me to wear a low-cut shirt or to not show up at all. So I declined the invite, but I think the thing I regret the most is that I didn’t have enough respect for myself to hire a hitman to strangle the guy to death with a turtleneck.
How come guys can waste away on the couch for 95% of their lives, but when they hike for the 1st time in 10 years they can run up a mountain carrying a toddler on their backs and not break a sweat. It’s witchcraft I tell you.
My 3 yr old niece and my 4 yr old were fighting so I went to break it up, and my daughter is crying and says, “she tried to bite me, but I was powerful enough to defeat her.” How do you discipline that??
Short Person: Omg you’re so tall! I bet you play basketball
Me: Omg you’re so short. I bet the guilt you felt after Samwise carried you up Mount Doom must have been excruciatingly painful. 😃
My 4-yr old informed me that her favorite animal is a ghost. I told her that ghosts are not animals. She responded, “ghosts used to be human, and humans are animals, so a ghost IS an animal.” Not gonna lie, I really wasn’t ready for that line of reasoning this early.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Today when I was driving, a raven flew over & dropped a walnut in front of my car. So I carefully drove over the walnut & cracked it open for the little guy. And I’m not saying that I did anything fantastic, but I’m kind of annoyed that I don’t have a raven sidekick after that.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Everyone always says Walt Disney is their hero, but mine is his wife who was like, “Sure, honey. Let’s risk financial ruin so you can pursue your dream of drawing a mouse. This is fine.”
Me: Okay, brain. We’re not going to get distracted to-
Brain: -DAY-O! Day-a-a-o!!!
Me: no, stop
Brain: Day! Me say day, me say day, me say day, me say day, me say day-a-a-oh...
Me: DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WANNA GO HOME!!
Doctor: you need to stop drinking energy drinks
Me: I know but I need the energy
Doctor: try switching to coffee, there’s no corn syrup
Me: or, perhaps, cocaine?
Doctor: what no
Me: *already snorting a line* sugar free too
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-learn some new make-up skills
-use a British accent
-wear a dress
-and a fat suit
-assume a false identity & convince your ex to hire you as your children’s nanny
-congratulations, you’re now Mrs. Doubtfire
-Flaunt it
[phone call from jail]
Me: so don’t be mad-
Husband: you did it again, didn’t you?
Me: all I did was sing “Santa Baby” and maybe I gave him a little lap dance
Husband: your obsession with seducing the mall Santa is tearing this family apart
Mobster: you’re going to be sleeping with the fishes
Me: do fish even sleep?
Mobster: omg I don’t know but now I’m curious
Me: me too, google it!
Mobster: *looking at phone* it says they sleep, but their eyes are open because they don’t have eyelids
Me: HA! Gross.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty
Me: Sonofa-
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
While working at Babies R Us, a lady asked me why a cradle was on clearance & before I could respond, my coworker popped in to say that, “we can’t get anyone to buy it for full price because it used to be Hitler’s cradle” and ended with “it’s not even that haunted.”
Me: are there any spirits here who wish to communicate?
Ouija Board: W I P E * D O W N * T H E * S H O W E R * Y O U * A N I M A L
Me: oh crap, this is a squeegee board
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Me: since cats are afraid of cucumbers, do you think they’re also afraid of pickles?
Cellmate: idk, but if I wake up to you spooning me again, I will end you
Me: If you wanted to open a Zoo in the Harry Potter universe, you’d have to hire a Zoo Keeper, obviously. But then, would you also have to hire a Zoo Seeker, 3 Zoo Chasers, and 2 Zoo Beaters?
J.K. Rowling: how did you get into my house??
Me: just answer the question
A guy I went to high school with once rode his bike past a car crash, stole a shoe off of a body lying in the street, and then wore that mismatched shoe to school everyday for a year. He just applied at my work. Have fun with that one, HR.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting