max fine
@maxfine_
Followers
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Following
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Media
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Statuses
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comedian/single mother of three
Brooklyn, NY
Joined January 2020
Here is my standup album: Here is a 10 minute standup video with a joke about anal: I hope you enjoy them both.
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Last night at the bar, a woman pulled her boobs out. I pretended like it wasn’t a big deal but in my head I thought “this is VERY cool”.
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It's hard to explain to people in NYC that I've had better fried chicken in a gas station than their friend's restaurant in Bushwick.
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Won $70 as the guy next to me busted out on blackjack and he said “eat shit” to me. About 5 minutes ago, he told me how excited he was that he got a free ticket to the comedy show tonight. He does not know who is performing.
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Seeing my parents for the first time in a year and a half this week. If this gets 1,000 likes, I’ll show up on acid.
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If you really want to impress me, cook chicken next to a bottle of motor oil.
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I don't need to see The Whale to know that Brendan Fraser is a great actor. That's what George of the Jungle was for.
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Someone at work just slacked me my own viral tweet and said "lol, this guy has the same name as you!".
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Had a panic attack at the bodega. They threw a cup of water at my face if you want to know the difference between a grocery store and a bodega.
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Considering doing a lobster fest but it’s just me letting 24 lobsters loose in my apartment.
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I don’t really know what to say other than I love this guy and so does everyone else. Such a horrific loss. I’ve got some stories that I’ll share with people in private so as not sully the man’s name (or hairline), but do yourself a favor and laugh at this joke.
Stand-Up Comedy: Kenny DeForest.Generalized Anxiety Disorder 😳 😆🤣
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"I'm not going to sugarcoat this for you"-original maker of Advil seconds before being fired.
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Tell ya what. If you're gonna lose a friend- it rips when the hang in the waiting room is so good and full of comics that the hospital police step in to say "this looks like a party".
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I have no idea who this man is. I have no idea what he has been accused of. I am 100% positive he is guilty.
French Prosecutors Dismiss Gerard Depardieu Sexual Assault Complaint. More:
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Stand up comedy is just playing two truths and a lie for like 10 minutes at a time. It's very easy.
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@cromulon5 Nope. Chester's is fine, but I'm specifically thinking of a BP on Hill and MLK in Atlanta.
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My best friend is on The Tonight Show tomorrow. He's the funniest comic I know and I am so overwhelmingly proud of him. Tits out for the boys. Fuck, this rocks so hard.
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Top Gun was so good that I’m willing to give Scientology another shot.
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You can always tell how cool someone is by how many of their friends are dead.
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Walked by two apartments I used to live in, and I can’t stress this enough- you do not need to live in Bushwick when you move to NYC.
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In an Airbnb, you watch movies. In a hotel room, the remote has a plastic lock and the TV only shows Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives at life-threatening volume.
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I want to make it clear that I was not at the Shrek Rave on Tuesday. I have never been to a Shrek Rave. No matter what the pictures show, I was not and have never even heard of a Shrek Rave. My friends are not Shrek cosplayers. I do not know where the Shrek Rave tonight is.
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The best open mic I’ve ever been to was the one I used to host in Atlanta. Every week, the bar gave me $100, a meal, and unlimited alcohol. No one ever did well.
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You want me to join Hive? The thing that killed Macauly Culkin in My Girl?.
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Comics laughing at Kanye like they haven’t had a meltdown at an open mic before.
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Also, just to be clear. There's no way I'm showing up to meet my parents on acid. I will wait until we sit down for dinner like a good son.
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The most embarrassing part of NYC is telling every visiting comic "look, I can't help you get shows. I can't get myself on shows. I'm about ready to quit comedy and start farming. Can I borrow 10 bucks?".
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Sappy post, but it’s important to keep things in perspective. Depression can be a real motherfucker. I know it, you know it, but it’s so crucial to remember that you do not have to take an improv class.
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The last time I confused a taser and a gun, I wound up tasing my left temple.
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See previous tweet.
If you have the chance to tell your friend that Henry Kissinger has died just before that friend tells you that he’s on mushrooms, I can say from experience that you should take it.
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7 years ago, my roommate came home from a party to watch the Super Bowl. He was pretty drunk and immediately fell asleep on our couch. The rest, as they say, is history.
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“This shit is called COVID-19, man. You smoke this shit and you won’t leave the house for a month.”.
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Last night, without realizing there was industry at the show I was on, I confidently (while wearing sweatpants) opened a set with "Hey gang, answer me this. Why'd they only circumcize one of my dicks?".
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Someone got really deep and vulnerable talking to me tonight and at the end they hugged me and said “Thanks, Scott. I really needed that.”.
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*big gulp*. You can pre-order my album right now. It comes out October 13th. The vinyl sounds better.
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God, grant me the confidence of someone who started comedy in New York.
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There is nowhere I would rather pee than this bathroom in North Carolina
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Every time I get on a plane, I look at the person next to me and say "time ain't the only thing flying today, huh?" They all hate it.
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Me, doing comedy in my 30s with absolutely no modicum of success: "Yeah, I should keep doing this for sure".
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Damn, just walked by the first room I did comedy in NYC. It’s a bakery now. It was then too. I bombed in a bakery when I moved here.
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This is my worst nightmare. Went to use the bathroom at the gym and as soon as I sat on the toilet, an entire group of youth basketball players came in to change. I cannot leave and they are all making fun of me through the door
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The Supreme Court was like "you know what doesn't feel dangerous enough? Open mics in Manhattan".
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Colin Powell once took a shit at the Dunkin’ Donuts I worked at and we had to close down for the day.
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Garth Brooks just hugged four presidents while not wearing a mask.
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I did not expect my penis to get bigger when I got covid, but here we are. Just me and my big penis.
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A lot of people think I look bad for my age, but here I am at 23 in 1976
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Alright, I won't make Kenny's passing about me, I just want to say that he had a lot of fun seeing Phish with me this Summer and said "I will absolutely do this again." I think you should all respect that.
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I'm recording an album in Brooklyn one week from today. Would be really cool if you came through. No worries, if you can't.
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When I was a kid, I thought I'd be dead by 30. Now that I'm 30, I'm afraid I'm going to live forever.
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When I quit drinking, I got really into smoking weed. When I quit smoking weed, I got really into Kratom. Anyways, I'm doing cocaine again.
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It has been 700 days since I was drunk. I will absolutely utilize this to direct traffic to this website:
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Breakups in your 20s: I don’t know who I am anymore. Breakups in your 30s: Oh no, someone out there knows who I really am.
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I have a new monthly comedy show starting soon. Now would be a good time to earn some good will by offering spots.
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Get you a mom that can do both (smoke weed in the back of a comedy show and miss your set but immediately say “great job”)
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Goddammit. It finally happened. I’m the oldest guy at the open mic.
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Oh damn, just saw Chris D’Elia is a piece of shit. Really makes you think, how many other completely visible, in plain sight, and not subtle at all cases of creeps there are out there, huh?.
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I (very briefly) hosted a fight club outside of my high school that mostly devolved into dudes realizing they were into each other.
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I hosted an open mic in Atlanta once and a guy asked me to introduce him as "a headliner from New York." He subsequently bombed. 3 hours later, I picked him and his wife up in an Uber and drove them a few miles home to the house they lived in with their kids.
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Here are 5 albums I'm listening to this week, send me yours. 1. Michael.2. Rowland.3. On.4. Fallon.5. Tonight. Watch it or you're dead to me.
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Feeling the most confident I have ever felt. Asked the bodega guy to put a hash brown patty on my sandwich and he said “for you, I can do that.”.
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Tonight, I've elected to take mushrooms and go see Space Jam in a theater. Not sure if it's a good idea, but I have packed more mushrooms in case I'm asked to leave.
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Sent a comedy club avails and they responded by adding me to their marketing email list 15 times.
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I don’t know if New York is back, but I just watched a topless girl skip so hard that her boob smacked her in the face and she fell over.
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