ben
@benwassertweet
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funny lil guy w/ tiny lil glasses 🇵🇸 free palestine til it backwards
brooklyn, ny
Joined November 2013
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the big fire in the gulf of mexico is now stuck in the suez canal
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the yodel boys are returning to their natural habitat. nature is healing, we are the virus
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BREAKING: in a landmark 6-3 decision the Supreme Court has ruled Americans can eat shit and die
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i'm actually not gonna freak out until italians are on their balconies again
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Everyone i know is either breakin up or working through stuff with their partner, or their relationship is fine and good, or they're single
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CDC says fully vaccinated people can join the cast of Knives Out 2
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DEVELOPING: sources reveal looted Target had history of marijuana use
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BREAKING: Jason Derulo has fallen down the stairs at the Milk Crate Challenge
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when my 9 year old daughter asks for help opening a can of beans
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ok last month i was asked to roast the staff of a hospice at their holiday zoom party and the person who booked me sent me notes on the employees to help me prepare roasts and they were all like this lmfao
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thinking about my dear friend and incredible actor Mark Wahlberg who 21 years ago today let 9/11 happen 💔
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hey if you play trivia at a bar you should NOT be shushing the normal people at the bar just drinking and talking and chilling cause that's what a bar is for, not your twisted little games of facts
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thinking of my dear friend and incredible comedian Steve Rannazzisi who died twenty years ago today on 9/11 💔
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please make it stop. everytime a rich person doesn't bathe i'm the one who has to shower in their place and i'm so so tired
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wtf why did they make the shrimp tails in cinnamon toast crunch thanksgiving day balloons
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NY comedians are 𝙗𝙞𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙧
LA comedians are 𝙩𝙖𝙣
Chicago comedians are 𝙛𝙪𝙣𝙣𝙮
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alt comedians doing whatever the fuck they do that isn't jokes
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if you left NYC during the height of the pandemic you MAY NOT swim in the subway stations!! those are OUR pools!!
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new comedians immediately starting podcasts and getting famous for it instead of bombing at open mics for 7 years
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girlfriend [waking me up at 3am]: babe you're snoring
me: VOTE 💕 !
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me bombing at a poorly attended bar show
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😒😔 🙁 😑
😕
😴 ☹️🥱
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BREAKING: the United States Supreme Court issues ukulele apology to American public.
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a lot of people are pointing out that these are all the options...idk another option is coming to my comedy show about death in a funeral home next month
tix at:
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To be clear: this was fun and everyone had a good time and it was nice
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comedians be like "this is great" and share the worst sketch comedy video i have ever seen
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me: hey i'd love to do your show!
comedian: do you have any experience?
me *slides this across the table*
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me waiting to be brought on stage at a comedy show where everyones been bombing
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i would NEVER hook up with a comedian except the 3-5 i already have and the 12-20 i got crushes on
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lol i am the last person this testing site will see today and the staff asked me to be responsible for telling all the people who come after me that they cant get tested this rules
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and please if for some wild reason you need someone to do comedy for your hospice, hospital, funeral home, rehab, whatever feel free to reach out!
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Joe Biden: club comedian, traditional standup
Elizabeth Warren: traditional stand up but kinda alt-y
Bernie Sanders: weird fucked up sketch comedian
Andrew Yang: math comedian?
Amy Klobuchar: a "humorist"
Pete Buttigieg: booker who is not funny and also does musical comedy
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me: [a comedy civil war scholar]: ah yes the comedy civil war, sklar against sklar
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came up with more ideas for police reform that will be as ineffective as anything proposed by 8 Can't Wait
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Gutted. Ted Kaczynski and I came up together doin open mics. from back rooms of dive bars to makeshift cabins in the woods, he was always so friggin funny. i don't agree w/ how he lived his life fully, but they say in this biz u gotta be undeniable, and Ted was undeniably Ted 💔
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JUST IN: NYPD vows to reform. will begin wearing kente cloth to hide badges
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tony hinchcliffe so ornery cause he got all em teeth but no toothbrush
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if my girlfriend ever proposed i would say no cause i never wanna stop being her boyfriend :)
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shortly after this video was taken 10 cops tried arresting the water for fare hopping
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i dont think people who live outside of NYC understand what's happening in New York. cases are surging, we're running out of tests and results are taking 4-5 days, and rich kids who went to NYU are still making shitty content and getting industry recognition for it
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me after finding out one of the people on the missing sub is a girl with bangs
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there should be an app that says if someone has a crush on you too
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6 types of comedians are
Stand up
Improv
Sketch
Musical
Lip sync
Chicago
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fun when you're tellin a buncha people the same story and you finally nail down your little script
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boyfriend mode in full effect as i retweet my brilliant girlfriend's defenders on her tender, nuanced, and beautifully written essay that today's discourse centers on and many seem to willfully be misreading
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nepo baby discourse includes anyone who went to NYU regardless of their parentage
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in these times, it is disgusting to see Malcom in the MIDDLE -- we must push Malcom to the LEFT
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we need more comedians on the front lines of these protests loudly doing their act so the cops go home
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to be clear: this is not a 9/11 joke, but rather a touching tribute to a friend who died that fateful day
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