Marshall Scott
@Marshall__Scott
Followers
12K
Following
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Media
35K
Statuses
85K
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next.
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No I didn't see the Northern Lights I was busy looking at my wife.
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No I didn't notice the time change I was busy looking at my wife.
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Strolling into work 42 minutes late and booping my boss on the nose as I walk by.
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Doing the Jesus workout; gettin wine drunk and walking 12 miles in sandals.
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When someone tells me I shouldn’t door dash $72 worth of Taco Bell
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Strolling into work 47 minutes late and booping my boss on the nose as I walk by.
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My boss just asked if I’m working hard or hardly working so I went outside and slit his tires.
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My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him.
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@gregkellyusa I think Greg Kelly would benefit from 1 night in a sequined dress.
I think Harry Styles would benefit from 3 years in the Marine Corps.
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No I didn't see the Mike Tyson Jake Paul fight I was busy looking at my wife.
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Staring into the TSA agent’s eyes as I drink an entire jar of peanut butter.
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When someone asks what I’m doing for New Year’s Eve
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Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day.
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Just emailed everyone at work a 13 minute diss track I recorded about my boss.
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Republicans chanting for Donald while one of his supporters lies there dying is a pretty good metaphor actually.
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Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all.
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Proving I'm not a cop by easily going down a slide.
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An escape room but the only way out is to be nice to yourself.
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@Eve6 *elon musk changes everything about twitter* . *revenue plummets*. Elon: Fuckin Jonathon at the ADL.
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An escape room but the only way out is to be nice to yourself.
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Men used to go to war, now they’re afraid of pronouns.
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Strolling into work 42 minutes late and giving my boss a kiss on the forehead as I walk by.
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My girlfriend just found this app on my phone and broke up with me
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When someone tells me I shouldn’t door dash $72 worth of Taco Bell
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Ben Shapiro debating his wife on whether or not he should be allowed to stay up past 9pm.
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@d2dev_ was nice enough to clarify with gronk if I work at twitter and sent me a screenshot lmao
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Pulling my boss aside after the meeting to tell him no one likes him.
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Pretty sure this bigot accidentally awakened something in himself while he was trying to troll the left.
It’s hard for us men pretending to be women to be attractive to people outside our trans cult, but I can pull it off 🏳️⚧️
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Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
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Daylight savings time is cool cuz it’s dark and no one can see you crying in the car.
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Why did they make us crab walk in elementary school gym class.
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Boycotting the Olympics cuz they’re not satanic enough.
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Winning a debate against ben shapiro by inhaling a buncha helium and talking faster than him.
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Adam Levine’s sexts are proof that he writes his own lyrics.
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Just burnt down my bosses house as an April Fools joke.
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Do you ever just look at yourself in the mirror cuz it’s like weird that you’re a person who exists.
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*Andrew Tate voice* .Getting arrested is very alpha actually.
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HR: you’ve been spending a lot of time on X dot com. Viewing pornography during work is grounds for termination. Me: no actually it’s. *realizing I’d have to explain my twitter account* yeah sorry it’s porn.
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Me escaping Elon’s goons after they find out I’ve been reading more than 600 tweets a day
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The best tweets are from small accounts and they get 3 likes.
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Joe Rogan falsely reported his own death after closing his eyes because he hasn’t established object permanence yet.
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Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down.
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Antifa has been installing these slides all over the country and the main stream media is not talking about it.
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Me: I use humor to cope. My therapist: Then why aren’t you ever funny.
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Love running into old acquaintances at the grocery store. Loading my cart with boxes of corndogs like yeah man I’m doing really good how have you been.
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Why is it called an everything bagel it doesn’t even have most things.
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Daylight savings time is cool cuz it’s dark and no one can see you crying in the car.
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I think we should add more numbers to the bottom of tweets.
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Whenever I get outta line my girlfriend makes me dig holes in the backyard like Shia LaBeouf in the 2003 hit movie Holes.
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Imagine sticking a feather in a hat and calling it macaroni like What are you doing man get your life together.
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Inviting people over to hang out and eat a bag of bread.
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Explaining to my kidnappers that I’m the one who orchestrated this whole thing and I’m never leaving.
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When your mutuals don’t retweet your mediocre tweets
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Might fuck around and be productive for like 15-20 minutes.
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They call themselves alpha males cuz they’re still trying to learn the alphabet.
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STOP MAKING NEW SOCIAL MEDIA APPS JUST BAN NAZIS AND BIGOTS ON THE ONE’S WE HAVE.
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Do you ever think about how there are infinite different versions of you that exist in people’s minds cuz everyone perceives you differently and in some people’s minds you don’t even exist at all.
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Returning from my lunch break with the 72 pinecones I found outside.
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What do you do if you find out there’s a guy living in your walls but he’s also who’s been putting away your clean clothes.
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Do you ever think about how there are infinite different versions of you that exist in people’s minds cuz everybody perceives you differently and in some people’s minds you don’t even exist at all.
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