Maria Shehata
@MariaShehata
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Following
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Egyptian-American comedian| Comedy Central, Dave Channel, Showtime, NY Times.
London, UK
Joined March 2009
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When two siblings are stand up comedians I don’t think what a talented family as much as I think these parents need to be investigated
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I feel like there are better places to sell sea shells than by the sea shore
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As soon as I see “try meditation” I know there is no good solution to the problem I googled
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The man who slapped Weinstein asked for a picture first and was refused. The headline should read “Man who doesn’t take no for an answer is slapped by man who doesn’t take no for an answer.”
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My debut album is available now for pre-sale! Buy it here:
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My hell would be a playback of all the voicemails I've ever left.
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My landlord won't call me back, and now I'm super into my landlord.
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I made Mario Batalis sexual harassment cinnoman buns. I didn’t eat them I just grabbed them, and pinched them, and apologized to them insincerely.
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That moment when a cat washes itself right where you just pet it.
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Having to go letter by letter to put your username and password into a tv app is the rotary phone of logins
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Quarantine Diaries: Day Whatever - Bill Murray’s character in Groundhogs Day was so lucky he could do things like go to bars
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Paying $135 a month for unlimited yoga means I pay $67.50 per class.
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I wonder if instead of Hail Marys you had to do push-ups people would sin less
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I love "waste of time" comments on YouTube, as if that's not what YouTube is. It should say "waste of a waste of time."
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My pilot script Connie and Me won Best Comedy Screenplay at Best Script Award - London!
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Made the most incredible meal but no insta so threw it out
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When he told me he didn't want to be with me, I knew it was over
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Happy birthday to one of my favorite people in this world and fellow muppet!! Have a great day
@lizmiele
I love you tons!
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Spiders give you 3 hours of you not using something before they start building a home on it
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Annoyed at my shuffle for not playing a single song I want to hear even though I’m the one who added them all
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Big day for my pilot script “Connie and Me.” It’s been officially selected for the Oxford Script Awards and Women’s Comedy Film Festival in Atlanta!
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It’s sad that after two different Starbucks employees complimented my dress I didn’t think “oh how nice” but instead googled if Starbucks employees have to compliment customers
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I get the feeling Netflix would murder people themselves for content
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WOMEN DONT ACCIDENTALLY FALL IN LOVE - from Top Secret Comedy Club in London
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My grocery delivery and my take out delivery both arrived at the same time and I opened the door to two confused men with bags of food, like this was an 80s rom com and I’d said yes to two prom dates.
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Legally Blonde but set it in Paris and called Ooh Law Law
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NYC!! filming part of my doc about female comics around the world in ur city tonite! Come out!
http://t.co/kN3lIKRAFG
http://t.co/LDYUYPbGBB
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Im incredibly excited to be working with Blue Book!! 🥳🥳🥳
🎉 New Client Announcement 🎉
Thrilled, overjoyed, and positively giddy to welcome the fabulous
@MariaShehata
to the Blue Book roster!
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If you want something bad enough, and truly feel like you already have it, the universe will give it to your best friend
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I wrote this and am very excited it's been published in the New York Times
Modern Love: "So what if we hadn’t kissed? We had a connection, which was way more important."
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I can handle being quarantined and dealing with the enormity of what’s going on in the world but if the corner of my bed sheet comes off one more time I’m going to lose my shit
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Nothing undercuts a compliment like the word actually. “I actually really enjoyed hanging out with you.”
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BF: In Scotland we say “April showers.”
Me: Bring May Flowers
BF: What?”
Me: April showers bring May flowers...
BF: I’ve never heard the May flowers bit
Me: You cut out the optimism?
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Excited I’ll be performing in the West End at Duke of York’s Theatre April 16-24th supporting Jonathan Pie! Ticket links at
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My friend told me about a trombone player she went on a date with but they didn’t click. And I said you didn’t want to trom-bone? and she didn’t find that funny?
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I used to be alone with my thoughts. Now I'm alone with all of your thoughts.
#DescribeTwitterBadly
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If I had a kid it would only be so I could live vicariously through it. It would be me saying "I'm tired of trying, you do it."
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All I want for Christmas is to not know how many people saw this and decided not to like it.
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80% of polyamorous relationships contain at least one person who doesn’t know they’re in one
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My Uber driver just offered me normal Doritos and I declined but was really impressed with how progressive that was.
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Yesterday after a show another comedian and I took the train back to central London in complete silence because neither of us could be bothered to make small talk which I loved so much now we are besties.
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Just watched a fully nude man get eliminated on Naked Attraction bc he comes across as “quite shy”
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My debut album “Live at the Bill Murray” is out today! Thanks so much to
@angelcomedy
for all the stage time over the years and for letting me tape at The Bill Murray, one of my favorite clubs in the world. And thanks to everyone who came to the taping!
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@VICE
"When Amy Schumer rose to fame, suddenly my friends and I had a woman to laugh with" Suddenly! A funny female! Sorry Ellen, Margaret, Sarah, Joan. The author treats female comedians the way girls treat each other in high school. Lena and Amy suck. Michelle is my best friend now.
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Googled zoom wedding etiquette for my brother’s wedding tomorrow bc I don’t know what to wear or if I mute myself or if I decorate my background or what if my upstairs neighbors start chainsawing something again I have so many questions it’s almost like this day isn’t about me.
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When you stay up all night to watch election results bc somewhere deep down you think if you fall asleep trump will win
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Being poolside this summer has reminded me that almost everyone has a regrettable tattoo
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It turns out only having one thing to do per day still takes up all my time.
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I tripped over my own shoe in front of a group of people, and they didn't laugh, they asked if I was ok, and that is what's wrong w comedy
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I’m doing my first hour show when I’ve barely performs in 5 months. 😬 Come see! Monday Sept 14th at 6:30pm
@topsecretcomedy
Pay what you want but reserve your tickets in advance here
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I started cooking brown rice in 2008 and it's almost ready
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I’m at Top Secret this afternoon!
4PM: We have a brilliant afternoon show for you today with the side-splitting lineup of
@MariaShehata
and
@olathecomedian
! Get your £5 tickets here:
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Rejection letters should just say the word unfortunately, which is all I scan for anyway.
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Got into a fight w a friend. Decided to be the bigger person and ask her what her f*cking problem is
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Delivery minimums are God's way of punishing you for being single.
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Bought a really expensive notebook to write in and then bought a cheap one to actually write in
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I can tell if I’m in a good or bad mood based on whether or not I’m rooting for the person running to catch the bus
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has trump just been a Kaufman-esque comedian this whole time.
did this man’s entire presidency just end in a landscaping company’s parking lot
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I, The Lone Diner, listen to all of your brunch conversations and silently judge you, which is why I am The Lone Diner.
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Only thing worse than watching a spider crawl across your ceiling is losing track of it.
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Yessss can’t wait!
Today is the day! My new special “The Ghost Of Academic Future” premieres on YouTube @ 8pm ET. Come watch with me and join the live chat. View ŚpĕĈíał here: - see you tonight!
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Your best friend is someone you have simultaneous conversations with on at least three different apps and you’re in a fight on two of them
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Overheard at a London pub. Girl: have you ever had a relationship w an American? Guy: God no. They are way too positive.
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I know a lot of people want to hurt Schultz but I think we should let Seattle do it
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I don’t know what the answer is but it’s not paper straws.
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Me: Befriending a volleyball and naming it Wilson is crazy.
Also me: Come on Alexa you know I don’t like this song.
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I'm currently seeing two therapists about my fear of commitment
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Bookingdotcom: This hotel is centrally located in Frankfurt, you can enjoy breakfast with skyline views, the lobby wall is done by Rafael Horzon
Me and my pal
@lizmiele
: Great and the rooms?
Booking: Hm?
Us: Is there anything else we need to know?
Booking: No don’t think so
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I heard Uber drivers can track you after you’ve left the car which is perfect bc I haven’t been paranoid about very much of anything lately
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I love during the instrumental of Groove is in the Heart when a guy comes in and confirms groove is, in fact, in the heart
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My Apple watch just told me to stand up except I’m already standing and I really don’t appreciate hacky short jokes from a glorified time piece
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Merry Christmas! May you get everything your apps overheard you wanting.
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If Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina scented candles teach us anything it is to never sit on an idea.
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If there's no swear word in the title, is it even a self help book?
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