kayla kumari upadhyaya
@KaylaKumari
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gay! writer! managing ed @autostraddle. managing ed @triquarterlymag. author of HELEN HOUSE, a queer horror novelette (@BurrowPress Oct ‘22) / views my own
Miami
Joined March 2009
mom: why'd it take u so long to tell me ur gay?.me: what r u talkin bout I tried to tell u every year on picture day
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My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”.
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in 4th grade for a science project I rewrote the lyrics to Oops I Did It Again to be about the types of rocks and at the beginning where it’s like ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-yeah I was like. ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-rocks.
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in every relationship there is one grouchy ladybug and one very hungry caterpillar.
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She purchased these special recordable fire alarms immediately after the time her candles indeed caught the floor on fire and my sister and I straight up slept through the normal beeping alarms.
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I told my girlfriend that if my grandpa likes her then he will eventually give her a flashlight and he literally gave her a flashlight the first time he met her.
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a fish tube for lesbians in long distance relationships and "a thousand miles" by vanessa carlton plays on a loop while ur in it.
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@siiickryan @Kristen_Arnett It starts with her screaming “GIRLS GET OUT OF BED” so loudly omg.
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my friend accidentally liked someone's very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN'T NOTICE.
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please put this photo of Rihanna and Sandra Bullock eating hotdogs and sharing earphones in every art museum in every city
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where’s the shirt that says. fuck YEAH I’m a LESBIAN.in a LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP.I cry on the FLOOR.and listen to a lot of MITSKI.I should really get TSA PRECHECK.someone buy me a GRAVITY BLANKET.
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favorite part of seeing M3GAN was how afterward my fiancé could not stop BRAGGING about how she'd never get murdered by M3GAN bc and i quote: "i would respect her".
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i spent the past three months researching the history of cheerleading, looking at examples of queer cheerleaders in film/tv, and compiling this timeline + doing a ton of cultural analysis on why everyone loves a lesbian cheerleader
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me writing advice columns: you can’t “win” a breakup . me listening to Sour: she won.
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unfortunately shan’t ever forget the time my mother referred to my girlfriend as my husband and then corrected herself and said “I mean your daddy”.
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put the dog in a turtleneck and now she looks like a philosophy major
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people are really out here making television shows with zero lesbians? it's like lmao grow up bitch!.
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more specifically, I performed it once and the teacher loved it so much that she asked me to do it again and invited THE PRINCIPAL. also I brought in a fake microphone.
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Just FaceTimed with my mother and she was like “Every show has lesbians now. I’m watching this show about outerspace and there are two lesbians somehow” idk how to explain to her that everyone in space is gay.
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recently someone suggested that constantly asking girls to braid my hair in my youth was a precursor to asking women to pull my hair and I have not been the same since.
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everything should have sauce. when things don’t have sauce? I simply add sauce.
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HELLO I have some very, very exciting news: I am the new Managing Editor at @autostraddle, where I've written for 6 (six!) years?!?!
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PERFECT dialogue ZERO notes!!! i'm NOT being sarcastic!!!!!
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celebration chicken and champagne because I got into the Kenyon Review writers workshop
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isn’t it amazing that at any given time on this planet there are at least 175 lesbians in long distance relationships crying on a train.
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my girlfriend. just used my nipple. as a stylus. to like a tweet.
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RIP Jenny Schecter you would have hated Goodreads.
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yes I did indeed make an ornament out of the hotel key card from our first date.
when you slide into a strangers dms drunk on valentines day and now you live together and have a christmas ornament made out of a door key from the first time you met in person and hooked up at a hotel
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incredibly excited to announce that i landed my first official fiction publication—i'm gonna have a lil gay short story in an upcoming special queer fiction issue of McSweeney's.
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between Yellowjackets and A League Of Their Own, all my gay girlies will be looking hot in uniforms this halloween.
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I went to a lesbian wedding tonight and when I went up to the DJ to request Robyn’s “Dancing On My Own” he was like “yeah it’s next. two other people JUST requested it” and one of them was one of the brides. I LOVE GAY SYNERGY.
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a year ago today, I snapped this selfie around 10pm as the N train was pulling over the Manhattan Bridge on my way to Ace Hotel’s bar to meet a stranger from twitter. anyway we fell in love lol! and now are indefinitely quarantined in Vegas together. LOT CAN CHANGE IN A YEAR
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the worst first date I’ve ever been on was absolutely my fault because i was closeted so when my best friend’s mom saw me at a coffee shop with a girl she did not think I was on a date and asked if she could sit with us and I said YES.
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it's almost chunky beach sweater season bitch!!!!!
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this weekend my girlfriend and I are gonna recreate our first date by turning our kitchen into the nyc Ace Hotel’s lobby bar (very dark, very loud) and pretending the bathroom is the elevator we made out in.
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very late to the What We Do In The Shadows game and also already well into season 2 but I have not stopped laughing at “creepy paper” from the pilot?????? one of the funniest stupid jokes I’ve ever seen in my LIFE?????? CREEPY PAPER
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literally fantasizing about hosting dinner parties.
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well the brining bag burst open when I tried to lift the turkey so now an entire drawer of our fridge is filled with buttermilk and blood.
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visiting my parents for the first time in a while. please enjoy my mother’s disney villain level obsession with crows
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when is the CW gonna change its slogan from "dare to defy" to "dare to be bi".
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did i fit Gillian Anderson, gay, scissor, and dykes all into ONE headline? you bet i did!!!!!
Netflix’s #SexEducation has Gillian Anderson, baby dykes learning to scissor, gay moms, and a whole lot of heart. @KaylaKumari’s review:
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support gay rights by letting me and my girlfriend use your boat so we can recreate the bennifer booty caress pic.
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oh you’re gay? then tell me what bday present I should get for my girlfriend’s ex-wife.
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what’s it like dating Kristen? well sometimes I just hear her whisper “pizza bird” and then log on to find something like this.
her me out: a carrier pigeon but they bring me a slice of pizza.
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just remembered when my mother finished reading my girlfriend’s first book and called me and just exclaimed “your girlfriend is WEIRD” and then the next day went to her first Pride parade.
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a weird thing my dad used to do for me and my sister when we were growing up was make us “sick fries” when we were sick and they were literally just ore ida fries with salt in a paper cup. today, @Kristen_Arnett made me some for my post vax second dose day
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when I was 20 I pretended to be a heterosexual but also in every pic of me when I was 20 I was wearing a vest.
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true life: @Kristen_Arnett held up our hitachi on Instagram live today and joked that it was a “karaoke microphone” and my mother was watching and commented “that’s not a microphone”.
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it’s the one night of the year when my siblings and I take our “little” cousins (lol the youngest is 15 now) to laser tag and plot twist my sister got a membership at a laser tag place and has been training all year????.
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This is why queer storylines (that don't end in death!!!!!) fucking MATTER
So, I want to tell you all what happened in the store today. It's probably the single greatest moment I have ever experienced working here.
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every day of living in florida is me saying something like “oh that’s a cool leaf” and then my girlfriend being like “oh no that’s actually a poisonous snake that has evolved to disguise itself as a cool leaf”.
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new relationship milestone reached: took her to my karaoke spot
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so wild living with my parents again like for example my mother just told me I have to clean my room “because you have a guest coming” and the guest is literally my girlfriend.
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one year ago when we could still go to karaoke 💙
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my girlfriend just said we should lady-and-the-tramp a taquito.
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Lola turns 11 today and cares not ONE bit that I wore her face for her bday
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When I was just a freelance writer at The AV Club, it was so easy for me to get access to screeners. Now that I’m the MANAGING EDITOR at Autostraddle, it’s infinitely harder. I’m sick and tired of having to prove we’re a legitimate publication to networks and streamers.
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@Kristen_Arnett wild that in our very first conversation we effectively established that you are a chaotic Sag and I am a moody Gem.
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guess what I did again last night
last night I drank a cappuccino at 9pm and then went on a Riverdale fanfiction bender. do I recommend this? absolutely not. will I do it again tonight? probably.
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discovered we were sitting by two other queer couples last night when i realized the "wedding" they were talking about "attending" was bette + tina's wedding.
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oh you're a dyke AND a writer? name three emo poems you wrote in high school.
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this is my first time living somewhere that does NOT have autumn and can someone pls just come throw two apple cider donuts and a handful of wet leaves in my general direction.
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cannot wait for @Kristen_Arnett’s wife guy era.
present, past, and future 💗💍🎉. looking forward to being a wife guy
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important dyke relationship milestone achieved: i'm officially on my girlfriend's dog's vet paperwork as her stepmother.
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I would like to add to this that Kristen and her ex-wife were wearing identical outfits.
in extremely gay news my ex-wife and her new girlfriend are coming over to the house where me and my girlfriend are staying to drop off the dog that we share custody over.
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watching all these mainstream publications do their 2-3 token pride pieces that are mostly just seo grabs and meanwhile we're out here at @autostraddle with a dynamic pride package with TWENTY FIVE pieces planned even tho we're queer all fucking year and not corporate-backed.
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truly one of the best scenes in L Word history.
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Bringing a girlfriend to thanksgiving for the first time in my life we bout to sprinkle some gay seasoning up in here.
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my girlfriend braided my hair for the first time and I absolutely felt like a horny bitch in a period drama.
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the woman sitting behind me at The Spy Who Dumped Me who whispered “oh my god” when Gillian Anderson touched Kate McKinnon is All Of Us.
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my mother just asked @Kristen_Arnett what made her slide into my DMs and Kristen without hesitation said “oh I thought she was really hot”.
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best part of telling all my friends that @Kristen_Arnett and I got engaged was how many of them IMMEDIATELY confessed to grilling Kristen at various bars about when/how she would propose 😭💗.
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A straight person should PROVE they’re my ally by shipping me this nearly sixty dollar 64oz TUB of “”pride”” banana pudding from Magnolia Bakery
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picked up my preorder of With Teeth and the bookseller opened it and read the inscription and got really quiet and @Kristen_Arnett had to blurt out ITS ME I WROTE THAT IT’S NOT WEIRD WE’RE TOGETHER alsjjwkaksaksnjqks
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every weekend I go on my silly little walk to get my silly little beach hotdog
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happy New Years from our gay home to yours!!!!!!!
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it’s nice of my pliers to acknowledge who will be using them
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hot pickle, sharp cheddar, hot smoked sausage. simply an unparalleled writing break snack
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I turn 30 today. I wrote an essay about my twenties
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losing my MIND at every single reply to this why did we all write songs about rocks
i did the same thing in 4th grade but it was 2 black n yellow n the lyrics were uh huh u know what it isss metamorphic metamorphic metamorphic rock fjdjfjdkdjdkdkd.
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the only pressing question my father had about my girlfriend—who he is meeting for the first time tomorrow—was “can she eat spicy food?”.
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A fun fact is that Kristen’s first time meeting my mother was at MY MOTHER’S BOOK CLUB. My mother was like “I’m picking your new girlfriend’s book for book club so you both have to come to the meeting” and so WE DID. Mom decorated the house with taxidermy and everything.
one of my my favorite things in this life is showing up to a book club, if you’re reading my book please invite me, i will always come and probably bring my own beer and try to cheers people even if it’s over zoom.
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waiting 3-9 weeks to fire off a subtweet so no one can easily trace its origins.
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a bit of good news: I just found out I've been accepted to the @LambdaLiterary writers retreat!!!! it's postponed until summer 2021 but i am EXCITED.
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dating a writer as a writer is just both of u taking turns saying "I FORGOT HOW TO WRITE" and reassuring the other that they do indeed remember how to write. on a loop. until u die?????.
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