Kate Bowler
@KatecBowler
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📖 4X New York Times bestseller 🍎 @DukeUniversity 🎙 Everything Happens
Durham, NC/Winnipeg, Manitoba
Joined September 2012
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For all of your beautiful, terrible days (and all the ones in-between).
HAVE A BEAUTIFUL, TERRIBLE DAY! is available everywhere books are sold:
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Every night, in the sweetest voice, my six year old asks me a question in order to try and stall me from leaving. I commit to documenting these questions every night for the next 30 days because THAT KID HAS GAME.
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He just yelled “DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WITH ONE EYE?” into the darkness.
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Him: before you go, tell me one constellation of stars.
Me: Orion. Goodnight lovie.
Him: mom, wait! I have to tell you. [dramaric pause] I picked you.
Me: what?
Him: as a baby. I picked you. For my mom.
Me: [melting]
Him: I picked your tummy. You are MY mom.
Me: you win.
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Historically, as suffering mounts, the self-serving always say, look, do the math. Some people are more valuable than others.
God’s math is clear. God is on the side of the losing team.
God, give us the courage to be found there, among the weak, where we belong.
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Him: goodnight mom. Love you.
Me: love you (leaves)
Him: (next room) Mom? Is cheese funny? I think it is. I only like STRING cheese. ...Mom? Mom. MOM. IS GOOGLE A PERSON?
AND WAS GOD EVER BORN?!???
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Tonight: Mom.....mom...mom? Mom. Ok, mom. Have you ever eaten a pumpkin? COME BACK. Mom. Have you ever eaten pumpkin seeds? MOM WHAT DO THEY TASTE LIKE!!!!!!!!!
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Me: Goodnight sweetie.
Him: Mom?
Me: no. I love you but no.
Him: Are raccoons awake right now? Mom. They can’t kill you. MOM. They don’t have sharp enough teeth. MOM COME BACK HAVE YOU SEEN THEM IT IS SAFE I AM NOT AFRAID
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Me: love you sweetie. Night.
Him: goodnight. To all the crystals.
Me: okay
Him: who was the first person to ever find a crystal?
Me: goodnight love.
Him: in a caaaaaaaaaaaave with maaaaaaaany secrets.
Me: I don’t know how to explain you to other people.
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Me: Goodnight my love.
Him: Goodnight mom. This is a good.
Me: Yeah?
Him: Yes. I'm going to sleep now.
Me: Perfect. (leaves)
....
Him: DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE LAST MEGALODON?
....
Him: (quietly) I think he lives in the ocean.
....
Him: THE BACIFIC OCEAN! MOMM. IN A COLD SPOT!
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I moved from North Carolina home to Manitoba, Canada 🇨🇦
186,000 COVID cases + 3000 deaths in North Carolina
1,500 COVID cases + 16 deaths in Manitoba
Testing is quick, masks everywhere + government trust is high.
May ALL OF US who are immuno-fragile get the shelter we deserve.
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Him: (yelling) MOM, DO YOU KNOW WHAT HELL IS?
......
Him: (yelling) IS MAGIC REAL? IS A MAGIC TRICK A TRICK?
....
Him: (grumbling) Well now I am thinking about if the sun is just lava.
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Merciful God,
Please surround those closest to
@rachelheldevans
, bring the unexpected comfort of your Holy Spirit, and draw near to all those who grieve or scream or sit in complete disbelief at this unthinkable absence.
Make this bearable somehow.
#BecauseofRHE
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If you’re new to constant fear, I’m so sorry. Welcome.
If you were already here, I’m so so sorry. Thank you for your service.
An evening ritual that helps: call it.
No more news + decisions. When the day feels too full, slow it down. Watch. Read.
Go to bed. You are loved.
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Hearing lots of people defining “fear” as the opposite of “positive thinking.”
As a historian of positive thinking and Jesus-fan, I beg you:
Speak honestly. Acknowledge reality. Fear is not the act of saying “negative” things out loud.
You can still be faithful and afraid.
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As I sleep, God be with those who labor through this dark night.
Doctors + nurses. Chaplains + first responders. Cleaners + drivers + laborers + moms.
Lift their spirits. Sharpen their minds. Fill their hearts.
Protect them while we, in relative ease, close our weary eyes.
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Night 3
Boy: Okay mom. Goodnight. Mom, why do you have so much hair? Okay, night. Why is hair made of cylinders? MOM. I want to learn the a-cord-on. A-cordial? ACCORDION. IT GOES LIKE THIS [frantically mimes accordion playing] MOM COME BACK ACCORDIONS ARE MADE OF BEES
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Me: Night lovie
Him: Does God sleep? Does God sleep on another planet? God didn't make me Mom. You made me. With your body. And when I came out we looked at each and it was LOVE MOM. I love wolves. Can we make a wolf? With a collar? With a crystal on the collar? Tomorrow? Wolfs?
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This is the end of individualism.
There is no shame here, no denying it now.
We need each other. We always did.
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If your heart is breaking for your kids, Afghanistan, Haiti, and an unrelenting plague, I think you're human again today.
Praying for hope and courage for us all.
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People who live with a lot of fear taught me this: have two routines.
Daytime. Nighttime.
☀️ Daytime: problem solving. agency. giving the gift. doing your best (also naps)
🌙 Nighttime: gentle music, no news, love and connection.
We can always try again tomorrow.
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Gracious God,
You give us the absurd dignity of prayer, to cry to the void and beg you to act. Please heal and be near to our friend
@rachelheldevans
that you comfort her dearest humans, and give wisdom to her medical team. And peace, peace, peace to all who love her
#PrayforRHE
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When you can answer the question "Do you ordain women?" from the church parking lot...
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Me: Night love.
Him: Can I listen to your heart?
Me: Ok
**quiet**
Him: it's beating fast
**quiet**
Him: did you love someone so much that your heart stops beating? did you fall over? did you die? or did you just go to sleep?
Me: no?
Him: SO YOU DIDN'T LOVE SOMEONE?!
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I know we feel like we should be “over it.” The pandemic should feel less hard somehow.
But it is a strange truth about pain. There is no getting used to it. It will be over when it’s over.
There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re in pain because you’re surviving. ❤️
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A pandemic is an exercise in communal thinking. Individualism fails because, suddenly, there is an unavoidable "we."
WE are in danger
WE need protection
WE need healthcare and a safety net when WE fall apart
Americans are famous for their opposition to a communal narrative.
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My 7 year old son creeps up to a room where I am praying this morning, whispers:
"I bet you're telling God you are preeeeeettty lucky to have me."
Followed by evil laughter and wind sprints up and down the hallway. He gets me. He really gets me.
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There are times when the world is all bright colors but you feel yourself turning to grey. So on
#worldsuicidepreventionday
I tell you what my sister told me on a very hard day:
You are loved, you are loved, you are loved.
You will not disappear. You are here.
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Him: Mom, sometimes I am so scared of the Yeti. Not the Loch Ness, that is fine. But the Yeti..
Me: You're safe. Love you sweetie. Night. (leaves)
Him: Yes, but have you ever been bitten by a tiger?
Him: But you've been bitten by a wolf? A bear?
---
Him: SO THAT'S A YES?!!!
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Dear One,
It’s okay to feel tired. What you are carrying is heavy and you were never meant to shoulder it alone. It feels hard because it is. And it’s okay to feel fragile. We all are.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
#WorldMentalHealthDay
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Him: I don't have a question.
Me: Oh! Okay! Goodnight lovie.
Him: But I put something in the sink.
Me: Wait, what?
Him: I found it outside. It's part of a lizard tail. By tomorrow, it will grow back into a lizard.
Me: ....I see your logic.
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Night 2 (sorry!)
Me: Goodnight sweetie.
Him: Do you know any myths...any legends?
Me: The legend of the boy who wouldn't go to bed. Goodnight.
Him: Oh, oh, oh, do you know this legend? Mom. Come back. MOM. It's about a giant squid. MOM THE SQUID DESTROYED MANY MANY BOATS!
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Me: I love you so much. Goodnight sweetie.
Him: does Dad have a job?
Me: yes.
Him: as a ghost pirate?
Me: not exactly
Him: right right right. That was a long time ago. When you were a kid. In the Civil Wars.
Me: goodnight lovie
Him: a long, long, long, long..
Me: GOODNIGHT
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What's the worst thing you've ever witnessed at a wedding?
I'm torn between a Men In Black reenactment, a duet about sexual possibilities between bride + groom, and a trip down Memory Lane which became a slideshow about boyfriends the bride still had feelings for.
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Him: (praying) and thank you God for snakes, Amen.
Me: Goodnight sweetie.
Him: But what is the difference between an ogre and a troll?
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Him: Are you not answering because you don't believe in Big Foot?
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Him: (whispering) ....because he is *reaaaaaaaaaaall*
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Okay I can hear him in the next room. He is talking about Canada being separate from America as "The Civil Wars." ....as a historian...I'm not sure what to say about my job performance.
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There are so many broken hearts this morning, waking into a world they can no longer picture without
@rachelheldevans
.
And for you I pray that the love of God and community is so deep and wide that it carries you like a river through these first terrible days.
#BecauseofRHE
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Can we pray today for all those whose emotional and physical reserves are running low?
Hospitals without masks. Kids without lunches. Shelters without beds.
Lord, give us a loaves and fishes moment. Make more with what little we have. And teach us to provide for each other.
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Him: Night! oh mom, I think this is a new tooth
**shows molar. WHAT. Is that a wisdom tooth? hiding alarm**
Me: oh dear. you are getting older.
Him: OH! can I get my driver's license?
Me: you are 6
Him: FINE! so can I stop the tooth from growing so I don't grow up?!
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Jesus was wonderfully clear about the people who need to be protected: those without the ability to *guarantee* their own security
God, bless the weak. Our culture is confused and chooses "freedom" over each other's wellbeing
Show us the way of love. Masks. Vaccines. Compassion
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Thank you God for grandmas who talk about Hot Wheels for 25 minutes on Skype with your kid so you can take a shower undisturbed. Does she have a Ph.D.? Yes. But today it was a doctorate in “Oh, those ARE interesting rims...”
#grandmawins
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Him: before you try to put me to bed I am talking to you about my pet.
Me: you don't have a pet, hon.
Him: I knew you would be reeeeeaaaally scared. you don't even have to see it.
Me: ..... are you telling me
Him: I HID HIM.
Me: (to husband) PLEASE COME IN HERE
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I'm trying to give up my parenting "prosperity gospel." As much as I want it, there is no magic formula for making sure our kids are always happy and whole. What kind of mythically perfect parent did you imagine yourself being?
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Me: you are a wonderful boy
Him: but I don't know what blueberries smell like
Me: try tomorrow
Him: how do pirates feel when they walk on land? Weird?
Me: not sure. goodnight
Him: dinner tonight was bad. i mean, BAD
Me: NOT NICE BUD
Him: (kisses my nose) but good try, mom
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Likelihood that there will be a leaf blower in the background:
Emailing: 0%
Contemplating life: 3%
Talking on the phone: 30%
Working on a complicated piece of writing: 43%
Talking to someone important on a podcast who will never ever ever ever have time for me again: 99.9%
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Me: We need to talk about how you threw a rock today. Not good
Him: ....I see the moon
Me: I need you to know it was bad
Him: I feel okay
Me: Throwing rocks is not good
Him: in the story, David hit Goliath with a rock and it was GREAT
Me (to husband): I am losing badly here
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Blessed are you, friend, sitting among the shards of what could have been. It is broken now, that dream you loved, and it has spilled out all over the ground.
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Because I am immuno-delicate, I have temporarily moved back to Canada, glorious Canada. 🇨🇦
YES EVERYTHING IS PERFECT I LOVE MANDATORY 14 DAY QUARANTINE IN MY OLD BEDROOM AT MY PARENTS' HOUSE IN WINNIPEG I AM CHOOSING THIS.
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He might of said “bees” or “beets” or “beads.” I couldn’t make it out. He had already been tucked in three times.
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Bedtime. I enter the six year old's room.
Me: Okay darling. Bedtime.
He is sitting in bed serenely. He looks up from his book as if seeing me for the first time in a long time.
Him: Ahhhhhhh, mom. My greatest love. My worst enemy.
Me: I saw you five minutes ago.
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Yes, there will be the
#nurse
who wonders aloud as you are wheeled in for surgery if your diet caused your cancer.
But then there will be the nurse who holds your hand because she knows you are scared and she does not let go. Thank you, special nurses everywhere.
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Me: you did a great job reading. Night love.
Him: why do they call it a li-bary? (library)
Me: night sweetie
Him: Because people lieeeeeeeeeee.... they lie about the li-bary?
Him: MOM COME BACK WHY ARE THEY LYING? ARE THEY LYING ABOUT THE BOOKS OR WHAT?!?
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One of the great poets of grief has gone on to glory. But while she was here, she gave us words to wait out the in between.
The Uses of Sorrow
Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness
It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.
- Mary Oliver
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Me: Love you sweetie. Goodnight.
Him: Goodnight mommy.
I leave. Storm begins. Huge crack of thunder.
Him: (from dark) MOM CAN YOU PLEASE TURN OFF THE STORM
Me: (yelling) I CAN TRY
Him: WHAT WILL YOU TRY
Me: LOVE I GUESS?
Him: THAT WON'T WORK....TRY SNUGGLES FOR ME INSTEAD
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a blessing for the life you didn't choose
Blessed are you when the shock subsides,
when vaguely, you see a line appear that divides before and after.
You didn’t draw it, and can barely even make it out.
But as surely as minutes add up to hours and days,
here you are,
forced
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I'm afraid of 2 kinds of people: ppl who say my suffering is part of God’s cosmic plan and anyone who has recently discovered essential oils
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When we were both diagnosed, we talked a lot about what today might feel like:
#Easter
joy. When Death is conquered. And new bodies are ours. Today at sunrise Richard Hays and I celebrated a little preview.
Alleluia. He is risen. Thank God, we do not save ourselves.
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For a long stretch, I was immuno-compromised and I needed the healthy be on my team.
To wash their hands.
To not hug me if they had even a sniffle.
But mostly just to love me wholeheartedly.
Let love lead the way. The weak are not to be feared, but to be sheltered.
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One of the causes of trauma is role incongruity. The people who *should have* helped you didn't. You were left adrift by people with a responsibility to care + lead
A blessing on you tonight if you're feeling overwhelmed. Sending you comfort + sleep + a powerful urge to vote.
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It's Good Friday. CAN WE CALL OFF INSTAGRAM THEOLOGY?
Our God was nailed to a piece of wood.
Maybe TOMORROW we can resume selfies, filters, requests to buy things, fake vulnerability and "journeys within."
Today Jesus is extremely busy not selling our crap.
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a blessing when you realize everyone is struggling
blessed are you who have realized that life is hard. and it’s hard for everyone. your awareness came at a cost.
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Every day my kid runs shrieking to his bed after eating cereal yelling "QUICK! SNUGGLE ME! IT'S HAPPENNINGGGGGGGGG!" because the milk has made him cold.
Post-Cereal Snuggles™️
If you have a pandemic ritual, TELL ME. Let's make it an official thing.
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My favorite part of ending conversations with my dad:
Me: Love you Dad.
Dad: Well, I’ll follow your career with interest.
He started saying that when I was 6. It never gets old. 😂
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a blessing for keeping your heart soft when everything is broken
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I forgot to pick my kid up from school. Entirely. [Insert running montage]
Me: OH BUDDY I AM SO SORRY
Him: I am okay!
Me: you must have been so worried
Him: I forgive you mom
Me: oh honey. let's get some cookies
Him: and tv?
Me: ...
Him: because I have been so very alone?
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Me: goodnight lovie
Him: (waggling eyebrows) goodnight mom. It will be hard for you to leave
Me: (kisses head) I'll be fine
Him: Goodnight "M" "O" "M". "M" "O" "M" spells DAD...right mom? (makes direct eye contact)
Me: You know how much I want to correct you
Him: I DO!!
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When I can’t save myself, I don’t need “self-help.”
I need a faith that offers more than “YOU CAN DO IT!” I need a hope that is more than “hope in yourself.” I need God and a garbage amount of community.
Jesus will have to rise again this year because that’s the God I need.
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The terrible gift of a terrible illness is that it has in fact taught me to live in the moment. But I realize that I am learning more than to seize the day...
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Me: What is love?
Tiny human: Um...when my heart feels BOOM BOOM BOOM and I want to hug you all the time?
PLEASE TELL ME THEY STAY THIS WAY FOREVER
#parenting
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When your bloodwork nurse yells "I LOVE YOU! YOU CAN DO THIS!" across the massive expanse of the cancer center, you know things are going to be okay.
God bless each and every one of you, health practitioners. On days like this, YOU. ARE. EVERYTHING.
#healthcarejobs
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What happens when sickness is mistaken for failure? And honesty for negativity?
This is the great exhaustion of having cancer or COVID or ANY kind of a fragility in a bootstrapping, science-fearing, positive thinking world. To the delusional go the spoils.
I will be leaving the great Walter Reed Medical Center today at 6:30 P.M. Feeling really good! Don’t be afraid of Covid. Don’t let it dominate your life. We have developed, under the Trump Administration, some really great drugs & knowledge. I feel better than I did 20 years ago!
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**He is too cute. I have given up and am attempting to lie in his bed and hope he will fall asleep if I am completely immobile. There is no hope.**
Him: (poking my face) Mom, can we talk about God rising from the dead?
....
Him: (quietly) well, now I have LOTS of questions...
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Pandemic vigilance creates exhaustion. We are tired in a way that many of us have never experienced before.
For today we can remind ourselves that tired people make mistakes. It's ok. Maybe we need walk an idea back. Rethink. Cool off.
Sending compassion to our tired hearts. 💗
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I felt so emotional today watching my son disappear into his school, all eyeballs and mask and spelling homework.
Their lives are so precious. Our lives together are so delicate. And helplessness is painful.
Sending every family and teacher and staff extra love today.
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If praying is your thing, today can we pray for the people risking their lives on the front lines of health? From nurses to intake staff to doctors and cleaners, people are making deep sacrifices.
Name or tag someone you love. We love them too. 💗
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There are days like today when I feel like I am only the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
So I let others remind me:
You are loved.
You are carried.
You are not a mistake.
#everythinghappens
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I tried making overnight oats. I ended up discovering 20 lbs of jello from my last cancer surgery.
And all I could think was: we live the days we have. Never as we expected. More than we wanted.
But thank you God for this day. It might have been the last, but then it wasn’t.
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Him: Mom, what can I trade you? (shows me my own coin collection)
Me: No lovie. Not right now. Night.
Him: I'm trading you for this. (hands me my own childhood bear)
Me: You're giving me my own stuff back
Him: A trade! Choose coin or bear
Me: THIS IS A HOSTAGE NEGOTIATION
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Oh hello my dears.
Unfortunately, it's been difficult on the cancer front and I'm looking for a GI oncologist specializing in early colorectal cancer + possible genetic links.
Does anyone have any recommendations that come to mind?
So grateful for any help. 💗
#medtwitter
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7 year old son is waiting near the garbage can, holding his old homework. Yes, I threw it away.
He sees me, looks at me calmly. Extends the trashed homework toward me.
"Mom, what kind of friendship is based on SECRETS AND LIES?"
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Me: AHHH! SPIDER!
Zach: (in soothing voice) Don't worry, mom. Spiders aren't real.
**much whispering between him and his dad**
Zach: Sorry, mom. DRAGONS. Dragons aren't real. Spiders are going to eat you for sure.
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According to my research:
1% of American megachurches are run by women.
100% of gingerbread megachurches are run by women.
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What makes thousands of American evangelicals gather maskless in a pandemic to sing with a CCM icon?
This risk-taking performance of faith is trying to make a point. See how God protects us. See how much we love this country.
My dear Christians, don’t put God to the test.
Well over 50,000 Christians lifting their prayer and worship over America today at the Lincoln Memorial with my friend
@michaelwsmith
#PrayerMarch2020
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Second day of French immersion school. The teacher calls at lunch to report that your 6 year old son has announced that he cannot learn French. Because he is colorblind.
....and I think what I'm feeling is admiration?
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Dear God, the world has been split in two: the sheltered and the exposed.
Help us bear up the crushing weight that has fallen in on our sick and elderly, service workers and health care warriors.
Give us strength. Give us hope. Give us healing.
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As much as I *believe* in the idea of being kind to yourself, I am the first to openly rage when my body calls it quits.
If anyone else hates their chronic pain today, I am right there with you. Praying for peace and good television for all of us.
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And the Good Friday award for good theology goes to my 4-year old, who ran to the front of the church before anyone could catch him to tell the Roman guards that they were "VERY BAD! VERY BAD!" for whipping Jesus. 😂
#everythinghappens
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But let us never transform tragedies into tests. Suffering is not proof of a lack of faith. And we are not nearly as powerful as these theologies pretend we are. We are finite and fragile, held up by love. Not powered by our own belief.
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I woke up to my child trying to FEBREZE me.
He managed to look quite sincere standing at my bedside with holding it like gun.
“I know you’re busy today! You said it takes away smell! Stay still please.”
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Him: Mom, can we talk about boats?
Me: one thing and then eyes closed
Him: OKAY (deep breath) because pirates are REAL and are alive NOW. But mostly they killed a-chother or were killed by GIANT SQUIDS or monsters that (giant arms) SQUEEZE BOATS AND CRUSH THEM. Sigh. Goodnight.
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I heard a funny joke this week:
"The real miracle of Jesus's ministry was a man having 12 friends in his 30s"
#NationalMakeAFriendDay
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There is no shame in grief. Whether you met her in person or online, she made a difference. We’d love to support you.
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Other atrocities I have witnessed:
1. The bride choosing "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" for her walk up the aisle
2. A wedding toast to a man with severe visual impairment about learning to truly "see" his bride.
3. "Sexual Healing" as the registry song played BY ME ON CELLO
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@Nicole_Cliffe
In high school. I had given him a plant to symbolize our enduring love. When he dumped me he let it die.
Since I was friends with his family, I would sneak (break?) into his room every few days and regularly water it so he would think, damn, this love just won't die. It did.
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Could we pray today for those in social services and caregiving roles who are stretched to the limit?
For those serving the elderly and homeless, the mentally fragile and the economically precarious. Families caring for those on the edge.
God, shelter those who shelter others.
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I was 35 when I got Stage IV colon cancer with no history of cancer.
Right now, due to COVID fears and delays, there is a 90% decline in colonoscopies.
I get it. But if you can, PLEASE don't delay your screenings and get any symptom checked. Early screening is easiest cure.
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Me: I want you to have something you like doing that you're excited about, like cello or soccer. It'll be a nice thing when you get older to have hobbies.
Son: (shakes head benevolently, lays hand on my shoulder) But I mostly want to pick up sticks. And I can do that FOREVER.
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We usually walk through this lenten season playing at death. Look how Jesus suffered. Look how Jesus died.
This year we are not playing at death. We are surrounded.
Good Friday. We see the world with eyes bleary with tears. Strange how it lets us see more clearly than ever.
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