Joe Barton
@JoeBarton_
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Professional writer, amateur speller. Spurs fan. #GiriHaji #BlackDoves #HalfBadTheBastardSonAndTheDevilHimself #TheLazarusProject #TheRitual
Joined January 2009
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Very much enjoying that this Mediterranean washing machine has special settings for if you spill tomatoes, wine or olive oil on yourself
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Man on the till at the supermarket said he was impressed with my packing. I’m absolutely fucking buzzing. You just don’t get recognition like that every day. I feel like I could run through a brick wall
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He’s making a list
He’s checking it twice
He’s gonna start mining Arrakis for spice
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fucking cant wait for susie dent to tell us a medieval word for being under a desk later
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Culturally telling that Americans leave out milk and cookies for Santa whereas British people are like ‘quick shot of brandy before you drive home you big red cunt? Xxx’
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Just to provide a counter balance, as a Joey Barton who also had family members killed in WWI, I think it’s probably okay for women to be allowed to talk about sport 🙏😔
I have a great grandfather who was gassed at Ypres in 1915. He received a Military Medal for bravery later in that war. Patrick Stanton is his name. Look up his citation if you choose.
I have a duty to him. And the hundreds of thousands of men like him. Those who gave their
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The face of a man who had to wait for new episodes of The Simpsons to drop on BBC2
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One to hold my hand, one to wipe away my tears, one to put on a plaster and one to give me a lollipop
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We improve their national dish with the gentle introduction of pineapple and this is how they repay us?
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Thanks guys this tweet would have been so helpful 2 years ago
Before he traveled to Italy, London-born actor Will Sharpe played a drug addicted rent boy in the brilliant crime thriller Giri/Haji
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They're trying to distract you from Albarn vs Swift with the Sue Gray report. Stay FOCUSED.
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Can you all not start leaving off the 'y' when you refer to him please, it's all I've got 🙏
Joe Barton is 41 years old married man with a daughter tweeting about how he wouldn't have sex with 21 years old Greta Thunberg.
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The best part of the creative process is having a little idea pop into your head. The rest is fairly unbearable tbh
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God I would hate to know how long it takes to get a doctor's appointment in the third most powerful country in the world
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Was thinking bout a meeting I had in LA where an exec spent 30 minutes talking about how uptight & easily offended Brits are & I joked that it's weird how we're fine with the word 'cunt' tho and they went really quiet and said they don't like that word and then the meeting ended.
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Imagine having to watch your mum slowly succumb to poison as she takes part in a highly camp gothic death march hosted by national treasure Claudia Winkleman 😔
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My cat started breathing really weird yesterday so we took him to the vet and £700 later the diagnosis is... maybe he’s just a weird cat? Nothing wrong with him. Back home now. I’m going to kill him.
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Goodnight sweet prince. When you were on the pitch you gave everything. Sometimes you would leave the pitch, to take a shit, or fight someone. But you always came back. You are fully COYS and we love you
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Some birds are not meant to be caged. Fly free, Matt Hancock. They tried to stop you being your true self - an absolute fuck machine.
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Football coverage will apologise if you hear a swear word or cut away from a pitch invader but a man getting CPR while his crying wife watches on the sidelines they’re suddenly getting out the zoom lenses.
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When the Roald Dahl estate approached me to edit his work for a modern audience I was initially sceptical. But then they looked me in the eye and said 'Joe this is about one thing and one thing only: Oompa Loompas. Sucking. And. Fucking.' And I said ok you mad bastards I'll do it
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This is not main man at the Sunday roast mentality 😤
Harry Kane says he is enjoying the pressure of having to win every Bundesliga match convincingly, compared to how two Spurs games without winning “wasn’t a disaster”. [
@IndySport
]
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In the timeline of Die Hard we're in the post-credit sequence. The morning after. Bruce Willis watching his children open their presents. Numb, the adrenaline worn off. He excuses himself and goes to the spare bedroom. He cannot stop crying. So many men. He killed so many men.
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A selection of enjoyably intense responses to my silly Die Hard tweet
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Having seen Lewis I think he might be overselling his ability to communicate with his face.
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So yes obviously this is very exciting for me.
‘The Batman’: Joe Barton Joins HBO Max’s TV Series As Showrunner Following Terence Winter Departure
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I pitched on True Detective S4. Would have loved to do it but at least I was saved from having to deal with the dipshit original creator. Issa López is a class act, looking forward to seeing her go from strength to strength
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Played a perfect game of Hungry Hungry Hippos today. 100% of the balls. My kids were in tears. Couldn’t believe it. For a professional Hippos player these are days we dream of. Why we push ourselves. Why we never stop believing we can be better. Faster. Hungrier.
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Everyone on Twitter yelling about the government apart from Spurs fans, who are having a somber memorial for Dele
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Might encourage my kids to start smoking so they occasionally pop out the house for five fucking minutes.
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When the faithfuls saw Harry being sea sick that’s the moment they should have known he was a traitor. The briny deep offers no quarter to the deceitful.
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You know I don’t like talking about my work or indulging in self promotion of any kind, but I DID write the screenplay to a horror movie once which I mention PURELY because it is Halloween today and I care about your spookiness.
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Happy Valley was great. Would personally be up for watching the Sarah Lancashire drives to the Himalayas in a knackered jeep spin-off as well, thanks.
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Tottenham social media team keep putting out videos from the training ground with captions like ‘Back to it! 💪 😝’ and it’s just Ben Davies walking past the camera looking like someone just ran over his dog
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Writing "Well, you get the general idea" halfway through a screenplay and sending it off.
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Billy from The Boys supports both West Ham and Charlton Athletic like the authentic Londoner he is.
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In the olden days this man would have been carted to the sanatorium and given laudanum for his ‘nervous ailments’
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Oh to be in the room when the Wednesday writing team read this interview
"I don't think I've ever had to put my foot down on a set in the way that I had to on 'Wednesday,'" Ortega revealed.
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But we’re going to be absolutely RIMMED by mild temperatures come the spring
The Met Office warns the UK will be double-fisted by deadly snow and ice
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Romero gonna bring new meaning to the phrase ‘cashless society’
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Lucas, you’re so afraid of getting your heart broken you’re shutting yourself off from the possibility of ever finding true love again. Erik, you use humour as a defence mechanism. Gareth, you...
José Mourinho stayed at the
#thfc
training ground for four hours after he was sacked and told home truths during talks with multiple players. [The Telegraph]
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Got Jackie Weaver doing sea shanties in the recording studio. Honestly sweating over here lads think I might have misjudged the longevity of the fads. Can’t get the deposit back.
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Sadly, yes, Netflix have cancelled this. Very proud of it and really liked the people I got to make it with. Sorry not to be able to finish the story...
Half Bad is a show we are incredibly proud of, which gained stellar reviews, along with a fiercely loyal global fanbase. While we are disappointed not to continue the story, we have loved working with such a talented cast and crew on bringing our beloved show to life.
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I feel like there was a moment in time where everyone was going to move to Margate and then only a few people did and now they all regret it.
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Love Happy Valley but the props department have dropped a bollock here with a clearly fake pint of Guinness. How difficult is it to get this stuff right?
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@nickmurftweets
It’s the classic ‘ignore the show, cancel it, wait for one of the actors to be in a more successful production and THEN start the marketing’ tactic
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Writers should 100% get into the habit of asking other writers if the production company they're thinking of working with are any good.
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Eldest son and his friends are filming a little movie in our house today. Asked me to write a script for it 🥰
Refused cos A) I’m not a scab and B) they couldn’t fucking afford me
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Hey now
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My parents have formed a childcare bubble with my sister and her kids so can’t help out with mine. And actually that’s okay because instead of complaining I’m just going to push this down and let it fester inside me until I die!
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Tragically allowing my mood to be affected by whether or not Tottenham Hotspur Football Club buy players whose existence I had not previously been aware of 48 hours ago
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I was 10 minutes late for a haircut appointment and a guy with dyed blonde tips told me I was a 'little late there buddy 🤨' and that he was charging me but couldn't cut my hair anymore. I think I will occasionally think of him and get annoyed probably until I die?
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Happy Valley doing for PE teachers what Jaws did for sharks
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Last night I dreamt someone sent me their screenplay but instead of paper they'd written each page in marker pen on the window of a kebab shop and then taken a photo of it so I had 90 photos of this kebab shop window and I was like oh boy I gotta tell 'em this isn't how it's done
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When you go to the chippy and they offer you salt and vinegar imho it would be more fun if they said 'salt and malt'? It's better, no? Americans would have been doing this years ago but they fucked up the definition of chips so they're out of the game but it's not too late for us
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Well. Yes. Indeed.
EXCLUSIVE: Prime Video is developing an action drama series from film and TV writer Joe Barton and director-producer Michael Bay. The project hails from A+E Studios, in association with Range Studios, and Amazon Studios
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Completely share their concerns but I’ve never taken a posh teenager seriously in my life and I’m not about to start now
“What is worth more, art or life? … are you more concerned about the protection of a painting or the protection of our planet and people?”
@JustStop_Oil
’s activists explain their action
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Sitting there seething while Father Christmas gets all the credit for finding a PS5.
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Sorry to be the voice of opposition against all you cynics but I have never, and will never, stand against love. I hope they felt like shooting stars, like the rest of the universe didn’t exist and it was only them. I hope they fucked like greased hogs all night.
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My dad just got a date for his vaccination! It's his secretary, Susan. Everyone’s devastated, how could he break up the family like this.
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This is the face of someone who has had to get out of bed to drive to their old house to pick up their cat who has someone found his way back there during the night and is trying to fight everyone who now lives there.
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Someone please remind me that taking your only time off work all year when your children are also off school is, in fact, not a holiday.
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I remember talking to an actor who’d just joined a big superhero show, and them speaking at length about how intensely miserable the diet was making them. I really don’t know why we make actors suffer just so we can continue to aid the spread of toxic body issues to everyone else
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Set up a wildlife camera by the big hole in the garden and just FYI this account will exclusively be fox pictures from now on.
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A Christmas gift box arrived from Warner Brothers today including this commemorative book and mug from the franchise they fired me off.
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I suppose now we may just never know whether I May Destroy You was better than Emily in Paris.
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Gave my 4 year old a chocolate biscuit and he said “Ooh it’s fucking Christmas” and walked off. Like a little Ray Winstone.
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Argh! In the treatment for series 2 there was this new character we all loved and the description was literally just ‘do you reckon we could get Kathy Burke for this?’
Very late to the party but finished Giri/Haji last night. Don’t usually like gangsters and guns stuff but was completely captivated. Beautifully made, very funny and at times really surprising. Gutted there’s no second series. Criminal.
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Absolutely boggles the mind that I got a Bafta Cymru award and am still expected to make dinner for my horrible children like a peasant
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Christopher Nolan asks the questions other directors wont, like; what if Oppenheimer could get it?
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My 7 yr old had a panic about us dying so I had a difficult but healthy and most importantly HONEST chat with him about death (promised him we would cure it in our lifetime, assured him both heaven and/or reincarnation are real anyway so like don’t even worry about it mate)
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When my partner asks me to put the kids coats on she’s started immediately following it up with ‘I know they won’t fit you’, ruining my little joke and souring my morning.
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Not to be hyperbolic but if Britain ever succumbs to a fascist coup Paul is volunteering for head of the secret police on day ONE
#Traitors
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My kids are watching Rogue One. Feel like this film didn’t get the love it deserved. Top tier Star Wars IMHO.
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No comment on the play, which I haven't seen, but there's a whole stable of establishment writers who've been able to get any old shit commissioned for years and it's nice if that is no longer the case.
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Charles Dickens had a sister named Fanny. Fanny Dickens. And yet he never did anything with that. But we still call him a writer.
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I turn 37 today. Trying to light the candles on my cake in the storm. The kids crying and begging me to come inside. Me refusing. I like my cake outside. Always have. Won’t change that now. Too old.
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3am in a stranger’s kitchen on a simply ungodly amount of ketamine
I cannot stop watching this. It’s one of the most peculiar things I’ve ever seen, which given the venue, is really saying something. Get to the end (if you can).
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As a defender how do you stop Haaland? Traditional football methods wont work. No. You have 90 minutes to make him fall in love with you. Become his moon and stars. His reason to be. Make it so scoring against you would betray something unspoken inside him. Something real. Primal
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I'm sorry but these children are too young to be commissioners
EXCLUSIVE: Sky has launched a two-year commissioner training programme for six individuals to help widen the commissioning talent pool
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Guess if you post your wins you should also post your losses. Sadly adding this to the ‘ones that got away’ column. It really would have been something special. Hope Matt gets to make it one day.
Bad news: the Gotham PD HBO Max show is on hold. Worse news: it sounded pretty awesome. Listen to Matt Reeves describe his Sidney Lumet inspired year one story and lament what might have been.
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Solidarity with all writers apart from whoever’s doing copy for the vegan-alternatives industry
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🎹 😲👺
#TheWhiteLotus
star Will Sharpe will play Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart in new Sky Original limited series
#Amadeus
.
Playfully reimagined from Peter Shaffer’s award-winning stage play, Joe Barton’s new version promises a corrupting symphony of jealousy, obsession and genius.
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If I'm a character in the Danny Boyle/Alex Garland film 'Sunshine' I'm asking constantly whose fucking idea it was to name the spaceship 'Icarus.'
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The pure untapped potential of this IP. Hollywood are leaving money on the table.
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Quit my big city job, returned to my small home town and fell in love with the handsome local post master despite all the odds??
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You can’t underestimate the belief coming back from 0-2 down should give the City players. A platform for a title winning run, I think. A good’s night work for the mighty Tottenham Hotspur
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This isn't the Champions League final, Harry, you can't just *not show up* for it
Exclusive transfer news: We understand Harry Kane has not shown up for
#thfc
training. He was due back this morning after a short holiday. More detail shortly on
@SkySportsNews
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