Jessimae Peluso
@JessimaePeluso
Followers
212,319
Following
890
Media
5,364
Statuses
12,781
Stand up comic |TV Host | Grief Relief #SurvivingParadise & #TattooRedo on @Netflix #AlzTipz 📞Call me: 513-916-0930
Los Angeles, CA
Joined March 2010
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
Peinado
• 101147 Tweets
#宝鐘マリン生誕祭2024
• 81458 Tweets
LISTEN TO MUSIC WITH YOKO
• 78687 Tweets
Osimhen
• 69528 Tweets
अनुराग ठाकुर
• 35850 Tweets
#chibalotte
• 34623 Tweets
ToHeart
• 25172 Tweets
#西園寺さんは家事をしない
• 21075 Tweets
幽霊船戦
• 16112 Tweets
DI KO MASABI STELL
• 14606 Tweets
NuNew Winter Vibes
• 13619 Tweets
Toby Fox
• 12088 Tweets
Pinned Tweet
I love just kickin’ it on stage.
@comedystorelj
.
#Standup
#Saturdays
#StandupSaturdays
#Heckler
#IGetAKickOutOfYou
#NoHecklersWereHurt
#InTheMakingOfThis
#Clip
#JessimaePeluso
2
4
38
@RexChapman
As an Italian, I’m offended. As a fat bitch trapped in a skinny bitch’s body, I’m horny.
87
87
4K
Video of me giving my first BJ, enjoy...
144
291
3K
@RexChapman
WHO PUT CHICKENS AND HER YOUNG IN A GRAVE WITH A VIDEO CAMERA AND DROPPED A FXCKIN COBRA DOWN INSIDE? THAT PERSON NEEDS TO BE DETAINED. CHECK INTERNET HISTORY. SHADOW BAN FROM WALMART.
68
114
3K
Dear ladies, In 2014 let's not make it our resolution to find a man, let's try to find ourselves first, ya? Love, Jessimae.
#HappyNewYear
25
1K
3K
Am I the only girl who daydreams about a guy running through the airport to stop me from boarding my plane because he can't live without me?
88
3K
2K
IM DYINGGGGG.
60
463
2K
I use
@VictoriasSecret
's shopping bags as lunch boxes. People think I have an active sex life, when all I have is egg salad on rye&Cheetos.
22
1K
2K
If 2020 was a nature scene...
Just in case you haven’t seen a bird flying around with a shark that it just plucked out of the ocean...
10K
95K
376K
48
392
2K
Someone come pick up their Uncle Greg...
70
237
2K
Whenever I'm in a bad mood, I'll just put on a low-cut shirt and circle around a couple construction sites to feel emotionally renewed again
15
1K
2K
We lost yet another comedy legend&one of my childhood idols. My condolences to his family.
#RIPRobinWilliams
#NanuNanu
http://t.co/1HF1EgWJaM
6
1K
2K
Dear
@VictoriasSecret
,no girl ever walks down a dark street in her underwear unless something horrific has happened to her. Love, Jessimae
19
745
2K
"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!"
#FamousMelaniaTrumpQuotes
8
631
2K
Video of my first BJ...
99
127
2K
Dear girls, learn skills instead of sexy poses. A real man will find humor&intelligence to be your sexiest traits. Love, Jessimae.
26
1K
1K
NAILED IT. 😂😅
This mother elephant showing her baby boy how to descend from a ledge is the Twitter content I needed today...
1K
8K
43K
30
194
1K
I've typed "Stamos" so much on my phone that whenever I type "stamps" it autocorrects to "Stamos". I'd still lick both of them.
@JohnStamos
19
455
1K
IM CRYING 😭 OMG 😆 THE CLOSE UP KILLED ME....
27
174
1K
If our comedians are going to lose work for doing/saying something deemed offensive/harmful so should our elected officials.
18
460
1K
Shot out to all those girls doing the walk of shame in full costume right now.
30
612
1K
When I'm home alone I like to blast
@robinthicke
's Blurred Lines and walk back&forth in front of my hallway mirror, butt-naked.
35
929
1K
Justin Bieber cut his hair and that's newsworthy?! I shaved my pussy 2 days ago and none of you said a word. Rude.
59
150
1K
You know Mother Nature is a cunty woman when you accidentally bleed thru your jeans. Only a spiteful bitch would want that to happen to you.
11
691
1K
@GirlPosts
WTF DEAR LORD WAS THAT NOISE THIS BITCH GOTTA CUT BACK ON THE MENTHOLS HOLY HELL I CANT BREATH IM LAUGHING SO HARD.
5
74
1K
My dad is so proud I'm finally on an
@MTV
show. And he's super relieved it wasn't 16 & Pregnant.
23
276
1K
Weekend planz....
53
99
1K
Whenever I'm in a fitting room trying on clothes I always do a lil' booty-poppin' dance and pretend I'm a video ho.
29
379
998
If YOU'RE an adult, please get YOUR "you're/your" situated.
63
960
975
I put the "HOT" into "hot mess". Well, I put the "mess" in there too. Mostly the "mess". The "hot" kinda depends on the day. Ok. Thanks.
7
1K
961
In 2020, the new $10 bill will feature a woman and only be worth $7.37.
6
612
960
Treat others as you want to be treated. So am I supposed to go around giving pedicures&massages to people-telling them they're always right?
19
2K
939
Just tossed out a lot of bras-realized I overestimated the amount of "sexy-time" bras I really needed. Need more "sittin&eatin cheese" bras.
15
315
960
A guy doesn't deserve a tit pic unless he bought you something nice, like some truffles or a sandwich.
111
926
919
Dear men,if you're going to pleasure a lady with your fingers,go easy on her kitty-it's not a storage ottoman. Love,Jessimae.
#ValentinesDay
10
287
933
Snuggling is the gateway drug to a pants-off party.
22
622
907
If your man wears Keds, he's probably not gonna have your back in a street fight. Unless it's a dance fight.
54
1K
898
When I tried to channel my inner
@shakira
in the shower this morning, I realized my hips have lied to me my whole life.
22
538
908
14
224
911
You haven't met my ex.
The orangutan has the longest childhood dependence on the mother of any animal in the world.
36
96
529
6
180
927
Dear Mac&Cheese, please don't ever leave me. Love, Jessimae.
54
472
885
OMG THIS IS CUUUTE. BUT SNITCHES GET STITCHES.
10
146
888
Am I the only girl who's ever laughed out her tampon?
92
208
862
If the QUEEN B, Beyonce, can get cheated on then what hope do I have??
40
633
868
My Honey Combs cereal box has an expiration date of may 2017-I don't think food should be able to last longer than most of my relationships.
4
384
847
I love the dad in background trying to prevent his daughter from becoming a stripper....
39
96
858
FXCKIN' EUGENE!!! We shoulda known! REAL scientists wear bow ties not mullets! Ask Bill Nye!
@WalkingDead_AMC
http://t.co/epCCaPtX4u
7
354
817
Getting high and then going rollerblading should be called "rollerblazing".
28
247
809
I lost my dad to this brutal disease. I would live for those brief moments of lucidity when he would come back to me. Reminding me love prevails. 💜
25
44
791
19
71
806
SHOT OUT TO ALL OF THE SNEAKY
#DayDrinkers
OUT THERE!😆😂🥃
Quarantine day 15:
(sneaking out for a drink away from the wife😂🤣😭💀💀)
962
5K
31K
30
64
799
I’ve watched this WAY too many times. Zaddy
@MadFlavor
has the nuts of an OX...
15
49
795
A man should know how to successfully go down on a woman before he's allowed to buy man-toys like jet-skis, RVs & motorcycles.
33
527
764
I never did drugs my whole life. Although, I did get high as a hummingbird last night. But weed isn't a drug, it's more like basil.
9
291
745
A Veterinarian's office sounds like a strip club DJ announcement: "Cinnamon, Kashmir, Cheyenne&Honey Bee, the doctor is ready to see you".
6
342
766
Dear Milkshake, thanks for bringing all the boys to my yard but I'm like...lactose intolerant. Love, Jessimae.
80
568
748
Shower sex is only sexy if you've already showered. We're not doing this if I just witnessed you washing your ass.
40
495
730
Side note:Best place to cry is at the airport. Inside I could feel self-hating&emotional turmoil but people just assume I'm sad I left Nana.
7
324
734
If you want your girl to shut the F up, then feed her this...
#GrilledCheezShutsBitchesUp
http://t.co/8xaiyHhJ2d
37
380
732
Me leaving 2020...
15
94
734
23
412
734
Nick Cannon’s baby time line is like a March Madness Baby Bracket…
This is INSANE!
96
115
748
Bout to smoke a J and go rollerblading...wish me luck.
19
99
707
Guys,
@CrissAngel
's new magic trick is SO GOOD! He turned himself into
@KrisJenner
!!
#MindFreak
http://t.co/sDgNZSyhYU
30
394
705
I feel like chicks get on their knees SO many times hoping one of the guys will get down on his just knees once.
62
456
713
I'd rather surround myself with dogs because they're more loyal than men. Yet, most the men I've surrounded myself with have been dogs.
13
354
698
My man lit a cigarette in a truck full of butane canisters...
694
1K
6K
41
51
720
Dear
@JohnStamos
, watch me on
@GirlCode
tonight on
@MTV
-Also, let's drink wine&dry hump soon. I'm single. Love, Jessimae.
18
144
699
I wanna be the kind of rich that allows me to get my makeup done while taking a nap wrapped in a blanket made out of chinchilla fur.
19
1K
689
If a friend buys you a Bath&Body Works gift, it's like they're saying:"I have no idea who you are as a person. Here's country apple spritz."
8
326
695
Everyone needs to see this ...
11
106
690
I wanna be the kind of rich that allows me to be fed wild salmon by an Eskimo child while his sister washes my feet w/polar bear tears.
18
755
694
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY LOVERS!!Love, Mr&Mrs
@JohnStamos
#ValentinesDay
#NoFucksGiven
(photo cred:
@FansOfStamos
)
http://t.co/4RPPpZIA01
6
68
678
@RexChapman
OMG TELL ME WHY SHES LOOKIN RIGHT INTO HIS SOUL LIKE SHE UNDERSTANDS EVERY SIGN HOLY HELL IM NOT OVULATING YOU ARE 😭😭😭
9
19
670
Shout out to all those girls teaching their Moms&Grandmas how to twerk. Keepin the dream alive one booty pop at a time.
57
952
655
My Pit Bull just scared himself awake with his fart.
22
75
664
When your period is late but you haven't had sex in so long you're a virgin again yet you're still convinced you're preggers. That's my day.
9
90
660
IM SCREAMING. IVE WATCHED IT TOO MANY TIMES.
Can’t get enough of the Phil Collins Block or Charge...
1K
13K
60K
14
86
663
Being at Disneyland makes me realize how important birth control is.
6
152
656
Today is
#InternationalWomensDay
! I bet if we all hung out we could create an Intl Menstrual Synchrony Week!
#GirlsWhoGoTogetherFlowTogether
4
342
660
Convicted serial killers are getting married and I can't even get a coffee date with
@JohnStamos
.
23
233
650
Can we all agree to cease the usage of the phrase "awesome sauce" in 2014 ? Totes appreciate it!
35
324
650
Where is the dick legislation? I wanna put a Wash Your Taint bill on the table that makes it illegal for any dude to ever have a musty dick ever. Or he goes to jail and pays a Dirty Dick fine and gets a ‘I’m A Dirty Dick Dude’ shirt to wear in public, in perpetuity.
16
123
661