Jeff Maurer
@JeffMightBWrong
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Writes the Substack "I Might Be Wrong", wrote for John Oliver back when his show was...different.
Washington, DC
Joined January 2009
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Say hello to the person who will call me a fascist in the middle of an Applebee's 15 years from now. His name is Grant Quentin Maurer, and the fact that he was born before 1/1 means I can claim him as a dependent for the entire year. Good boy.
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Why do I criticize the left when I am on the left? Because if you refuse to ever criticize "your side", then eventually you end up here.
Arizona Gov. Doug Ducey was asked today how he feels about state lawmaker Wendy Rogers in light of her recent embrace of the white nationalist movement. Ducey told reporters it's better than having a Democrat in office.
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Wow this makes the “retain Biden’s staff or start with a clean slate?” question a lot easier — throw these clowns in a wood chipper.
Another reason I doubt there was a huge conspiracy to cover up Biden's decline.
His team thought a June debate would turn the race in his favor. I heard this from them often: When people saw Biden and Trump on a stage, they'd come back to Biden. They believed he would win.
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@AndrewYang
surprised me by asking if I could think of a comedian who I thought should run for office, and I was even more surprised that a name did come to mind.
Who is the favorite among Republicans in ‘24 - and why do I think it’s Trump? This week on
@JeffMightBWrong
former Last Week Tonight writer and author of and I discuss 2024, the great dumbening, the makeup of writers rooms and more.
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Having trouble picturing the person who’s like “I was with him through the election denial, Capitol riot, extorting an ally, numerous ethics violations, strong-arming the DOJ, & likely (hell, ADMITTED) sexual assault, but FALSIFYING BUSINESS RECORDS? Have you no decency, sir?”
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I can’t believe I had to spell this out for everyone but here it is.
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Many thanks to
@mattyglesias
for letting me pollute his very smart Substack with my foul-mouthed nonsense today. Regular programming will resume immediately.
BUT...there's stuff going on in Chad that's worth knowing about. So, I wrote a primer.
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Jeremiah and I mostly talked about trends in late night TV, but I know that I yelled "WE HAVE TO BUILD MORE!" at least once, so my thoughts on this topic are on the record.
And if I may point you to some of my post-John-Oliver (I left 2 years ago) writing about housing...
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It's really wonderful timing that John Oliver was trending as a prominent idiot today because tomorrow's podcast is
@JeffMightBWrong
, a former John Oliver writer, to talk about what's gone wrong with political comedy in America.
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The longer this press conference gets delayed the more likely it cuts into Young Sheldon and America loses again.
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Why are we treating run-of-the-mill logistical questions like unclimbable mountains? “We have to find an audience for a TV event, and we only have a few weeks?! Impossible— better to just hand Trump a second term.”
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The
@nytimes
published an op-ed that I wrote, which I think really puts the "failing" in "the failing New York Times!"
Democrats Have an Image Problem. Please, Don’t Make It Worse.
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Would you like fries and a sullen attitude with that?
#mutuallyassuredhumiliation
http://t.co/AUI5eFLCce
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Keynes was a wise man.
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This phrasing makes it sound like Frodo and Bilbo will be wandering around the WB lot in Burbank. And...maybe that's the plan?
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I submit that it is not. I have a crazy theory about what's going on there.
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I honestly think that the US Men's National Team didn't qualify for the WC because it was punishment for Trump. Tonight's incredible win against Mexico is a strong piece of evidence supporting that theory.
And I wrote about it! Go
@USMNT
!
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I had big concerns about Biden’s ability to win but you tack on a bunch of unpopular lefty policies and we’re headed to the moon, baby!
Scoop: In WH mtg, Sanders pressed top aides for Biden to outline 100-day agenda for working class - including medical debt forgiveness
Sanders & AOC threw Biden huge political lifeline, want progressive agenda at center of campaign
See Biden as best chance for their policies --
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This piece argues that the "what we actually need is AFFORDABLE housing" talking point misunderstands how housing markets work and is often a NIMBY diversionary tactic used to oppose all new housing everywhere always:
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Here, I argue that the progressive narrative on gentrification is actually deeply anti-progressive:
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Truly gobsmacking sentence in the NY Times: "Experts" say that an older man is more likely to die than a younger man. Garsh, I wish I done got that kinda ex-par-tees!
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What Le fuck is up with young people in France?
If only French citizens above the age of 50 were allowed to vote, Emmanuel Macron would win.
If only French citizens below the age of 50 were allowed to vote, Marine Le Pen would win.
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People are sharing their favorite
@ConanOBrien
clips and you don't need to ask me twice. Featuring the work of legends like Brian McCann (
@McTweetalicious
), Jon Glaser, Brian Stack (
@BrianStack153
) and others.
🧵
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And here, I try to make 2021 the Summer of Zoning (with, uh...mixed results), and lament the fact that in six years, I couldn't get a piece about zoning on Last Week Tonight.
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Would be a solid bit if he included just one soft porn novel. "Huh...Obama recommends 'Dangerous Loins: Tahitian Enthrall'. Okay."
I’ve read a couple of great books this year and wanted to share some of my favorites so far. What have you been reading this summer?
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It's amazing to think that deep in the universe, there are these really rad desktop wallpapers.
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Hello. It’s me, Jeff Maurer, a comedian known mostly (only?) for having been Senior Writer on
@LastWeekTonight
with John Oliver. I’ve never been active on Twitter because I think it is -- how do I put this delicately? -- a den of morons.
Not you. Other people.
🧵
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So...apparently NOBODY in the graphics meeting said "does it maybe look a bit like we're jerking America off while cupping its balls?"
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Once, I was in Egypt. Across the sand -- about a mile away -- the pyramids towered above the landscape. It was early morning, and cool but not cold, and I sat on a bench and watched the sun rise. That sucked ass compared to this.
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Really good piece from the
@SarahKSilverman
hosted
@TheDailyShow
. And people who write for political comedy shows -- talking about my recent self here -- should think about the role we play in maybe making this worse.
Wondering why you're so angry all the time? It's not a coincidence.
@SarahKSilverman
explains how entire industries are profiting off our anger in a new
#LongStoryShort
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In which I theorize that some of the stuff progressives do these days is like a five year-old playing Astronaut.
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Something that does not suck has recently come to my attention:
#CunkOnEarth
on Netflix is funny! Sort of like "Connections" if James Burke was a moron.
A mockumentary of history that could only come from the creator of Black Mirror. Diane Morgan stars in Cunk on Earth, now on Netflix.
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Thank you, NBC, for conveying the height of the ten meter platform using relatable metrics that I encounter in my everyday life.
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Here’s my response to a recent
@mattyglesias
piece that makes a strong argument with which I disagree.
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Just noticed that Jon Chait retweeted my Chad piece, which is awesome because I really like his work. And I'm glad his position towards me doesn't seem to be that there ain't enough room in this town for TWO liberal columnists with an endless reserve of Big Lebowski quotes.
Thisis, by far, the funniest piece I have ever read about Chad
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The life of a normie liberal: Be accused of being a right-wing wolf in sheep's clothing and a leftist authoritarian stooge at virtually the same instant.
It’s weird to me how many conservatives turn into total anarchists when it comes to license plates.
“Cars should have license plates” is not like some radical new idea.
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Well I have a two month old so I'll be doing this tonight except without the sleep and without the $1800.
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1/ I'm very happy to have an article in
@JoinPersuasion
today about
@ConanOBrien
. Here's a bit of extra context for the article...
🧵
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Everyone will talk about his halting speech and “Vice President Trump”, but “inflation is due to corporate greed” and “we need rent control” might be the most troubling things I’ve heard.
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My decision to not be smart enough to go to an Ivy is looking pretty good right now.
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If this presser starts and Biden is obviously dead, staffers have outfitted him with sunglasses and a Hawaiian shirt and are moving his limbs, I’m honestly just going to laugh and hope America goes with the bit.
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BC of a joke I tell, La La Land sent me this stool. Thanks! They asked me 2 tweet about the movie. OK: I did not enjoy La La Land.
#LaLaLand
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Haha...wait is this a real place -- does it have parking?
Every DC real estate listing is like “the local middle school is terrible and seven people were shot around the corner last week, $1 million for 1500 square feet.”
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My favorite angry responses to my "don't forgive ALL debt" column today are the ones that say "If we listen to people like him, next thing you know they'll be means-testing social security!" Kind of a "Keep your gov't hands off my Medicare!" for 2022.
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I can't believe airlines are lifting their "wear your non-N95 mask shittily for a second when we walk by" rule.
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Wrongthink Episode 2 is out! In which we talk about
@chrisrock
, depressed kids,
@TuckerCarlson
's mean girl texts about Trump,
@thomaschattwill
's deep friendship with MC hammer, and Thomas' plan to make the NBA boring.
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I'm excited to announce that
@thomaschattwill
has made the huge mistake of hosting a podcast with me! It's called "Wrongthink", because our first choice - "The Chat Hatch with T. Chatty Dubs and Mau-Town" - was taken. By Amartya Sen - can u believe that?
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Kind of baffled by the people who 1) Are very worried by the effect Elon Musk owning Twitter might have on our discourse, and 2) Spent the past few years arguing that the people who run Twitter should have more control over our discourse.
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Confession: I often choose "contact free" food delivery not because I'm worried about Covid, but because it's one fewer human interaction for me to have.
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Probably the most important piece I've ever written: "If You're Not Hot-Gluing Your Scrotum to the Venus de Milo, Then I Don't Believe You Really Care About Climate Justice"
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This headline is a Mad Lib, yes?
A man seemingly disguised as an old woman in a wheelchair threw a piece of cake at the glass protecting the Mona Lisa
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The eye-popping stat in this one is that in the last six months, people have spent five times as much time watching "Gutfeld!" as they've spent watching the other six political comedy shows on cable combined.
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@Noahpinion
@IDoTheThinking
Alternate theory: Celebrities aren't listening at all when a joke is being told about them, they just know they're supposed to laugh. But eventually, his brain processed what had been said.
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A few days of actual rebels fighting actual imperial forces have already produced more good lines than the last six Star Wars movies.
“Russian warship, go f*** yourself.”
…and…
“I need ammunition, not a ride.”
…are quite the rallying cries to fight an invading army.
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I’m the Stephen Nedoroscik of my house, but for opening jars. It’s all I do. But you got a stuck jar? Prepare to be dazzled.
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Yeah, not to mention C) I just googled "Iraq occupation" and it sounds like it did not go well.
America occupied Iraq with slightly fewer than that, but A) Iraq was very divided and we had lots of Iraqis on our side (the war was mostly a civil war), abd B) Iraq had only 1/2 the population of Ukraine when we did that.
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My understanding of the situation is that as soon as Biden is done smashing every piece of furniture in his Rehoboth Beach home, he’ll announce that he’s dropping out. Can someone maybe drive over and help him?
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The only part of this that is accurate is that with rent control, no one will fix up that little pink pile of shit, ever.
The production case for rent control:
There's a shortage of loans, supplies, & workers.
When new rich residents create demand for housing, steer those dollars towards funding new homes, rather than non-essential renovations of old ones.
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"Slack, if you’re not familiar, is software invented by Satan to make sure work never ends."
"You CAN mute notifications: Just go to 'settings' > 'notifications' > 'never get promoted', and turn the slider to 'on'."
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Cool design, but do you have any salt and pepper shakers that DON'T immediately conjure memories of one of the biggest tragedies in American history?
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Netflix (and other streamers) need an "I am watching this ironically" feature so that I can consume some garbage without it fucking up my algorithm.
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I would invest in a "restaurant" called Just Wifi, Power Outlets, and a Bathroom.
The holy trinity of coffee shop amenities: wifi, power outlets, and a bathroom.
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To know what this number means, I'd want to know:
- For how many hours driverless cars were on the road;
- How the accident rate compares to normal cars; and
- How often the driverless car was at fault.
Without context, this is just fearmongering!
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Twitter will turn on all of us eventually.
John Mulaney Draws Criticism for Having Dave Chappelle Open, Tell Transphobic Jokes at Ohio Show
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41 years on this planet and this is the main thing that I've learned.
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They’re going to keep delaying this press conference so that Biden can only do ten minutes before his 8PM presidential beddy-bye.
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Will there ever be a day when forms stop asking for a fax number? A billion years from now, when humanity is scattered amongst the stars and technology has advanced to a stage we cannot presently dream of, will there still be a field on insurance forms that says: "Fax"?
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Catching an afternoon Nats game (good seats still available!). To my right: Spanish-speaking family, Mom & Dad in US military garb. To my left: Family decked out in Nats gear and also yarmulkes. I love America!
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Michael Lerner just died -- he played the executive in this clip from Barton Fink. If you plug a merely good actor into this role, the scene becomes 70 percent less fun.
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From now on, whenever RFK Jr. says anything, I'll be picturing this.
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If it’s impossible to beat a candidate who survived an attempt on their life, then I guess Democrats’ only viable option now is Gretchen Whitmer. Works for me!
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Obvious trick question: The answer is "any species that would devise this questionnaire deserves to blow up along with the Earth."
A friend of mine, who works in a public university, sent this to me earlier this week 👇🏻
It's p. 1 of the DEI training his department is forced to take, starting w/ an exercise that asks which intersectional identities you'd save and which you'd leave to die.
This is demonic.
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Always good to talk to my friend
@MightyHeaton
, and if he happens to be recording it for his podcast, all the better.
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It has come to my attention that reading sucks. Therefore, I Might Be Wrong now ALSO exists in audio form!
As proof, here are the first four episodes, and there's also a Linktree link in my bio.
Please share with your illiterate friends!
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I just learned that the theorized limit on how many meaningful relationships you can have at one time is 150 people. 150??? Are some people at 150??? Even if you count house plants and food delivery guys, I'm not in the ballpark of 150.
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But now I’m here, Twittering, because I have an announcement: I’m starting a Substack! It’ll be political comedy, more-or-less the same stuff I used to do at Last Week Tonight, except without the graphics or the English guy.
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It felt like this vignette of Lisa Murkowski running to catch the Senate subway needed a fourth image.
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"When the Student Alliance for Swift & Brutal Justice calls for French toast be removed from the cafeteria because of colonialism, you’re not supposed to start firing lunch ladies like an ancient priest chucking virgins into a volcano to please the gods."
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He doesn’t want to be tested for the same reason I didn’t want Wendy’s to drug test me when I was 16: I knew what the results would say.
If I really didn’t believe I had some condition relevant to my job and I was asked to take a medical test by my employer—an airline where I work as a pilot, say—I’d say sure, test me. How is declining to answer the question not problematic?
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Nothing means more to me on this special day than a Happy Thanksgiving e-mail from the company that fixed my AC 16 months ago. 🙏
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This elaborate theory of how MONEY and THE MEDIA made Democrats turn on Biden makes me want to slit my wrists with Occam’s razor.
Here's what I think is happening:
1. The media, with low ratings, saw blood in the water after the debate and ran with sensational and inaccurate headlines to generate profit. They have admitted this.
2. That, in turn, influenced big money dem donors who then threatened to pull
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@Noahpinion
American Auto, and in the "Best Show For Which I Don't Presently Write" category, Cunk on Earth.
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These numbers are cherry-picked. Consider:
Ideas have consequences! In 1978, Waylon and Willie advised, “Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys.”
Within a generation, Paula Cole was asking, “Where have all the cowboys gone?”
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There's very little connection between the stories that fascinate us and the stories that have a major impact on our lives.
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I wrote this seven months ago, but I’m going to re-post it now for no particular reason.
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Today's column is the type of "we should rely too heavily on the judicial branch" column that could have run in the National Review in 2004, except it contains the phrase "bowl full of pig dicks", which is the value-added I provide.
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I was very, very into the Washington Post meltdown story for reasons that say nothing good about me.
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Welp: The huge infrastructure bill that will impact all of our lives (mostly for the better) had its half day of coverage. Back to horserace politics as seen through the prism of race!
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I was thrilled to have not only participated in but to have directly provoked the most tasteless episode of
@LRCkcrw
to date!
COVID could've been leaked from a lab. What was the cost of labeling that as conspiracy too quick?
@fearless_greene
@whignewtons
@MoElleithee
talk misinformation, the Chicago mayoral race and why both sides should stop freaking out with
@JeffMightBWrong
.
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I'm making this my "will go unironically viral" pick of the day!
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There are precious few functioning brain cells on that stage and if I keep watching I'm gonna be right there with them.
#Debates2024
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A team at Stanford used advanced AI to determine what Disney characters would look like if they were real-life serial killers. Check out the results! 🧵
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No, please no -- 100% not what we need. Please don't let support for Ukraine become another goddamned stupid virtue signaling thing.
NEWS: Cardiff Philharmonic replaces the programme of its upcoming all-Tchaikovsky concert, citing it as 'inappropriate at this time’.
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Yep, this is also how I became a scare-quotes "centrist".
So basically, my beliefs and positions haven't shifted, but social media politics have become so moronic and toxic that I end up looking like a "centrist" for not jumping on the current outrage-train.
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