Jeff Arcuri
@JeffArcuri_
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Following
527
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Statuses
1,298
Standup Comic "living" in NYC Instagram/Twitch: Jarcuri
Brooklyn, NY
Joined May 2011
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I'm just gonna go ahead and assume the border of Finland is called the Finnish Line.
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Just saw a shirtless dude in his thirties take out a sharpie and write "fuck" on a street sign. I guess he didnt have time for the "you dad"
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Hey real quick does anyone else worry that putting your seatbelt on in the middle of an Uber ride is gonna offend the driver?
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My friend just asked me if I used to be a transformer. I'm like, "nah man, I've never been a big car guy."
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Hey if I got a motorcycle would you guys be ok with me being majestic af?
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Apostrophe was the Greek God cast out for being too possessive.
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Trump: "It must be nice to meet me."
Kanye: "Yes, yes it must be nice to meet me."
*Both squint*
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I got up from my seat for an old lady and she took it without saying thank you. I’ve never wanted to sit in someone’s lap more.
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I fell asleep in my shirt with zippers on it leaving a bunch of marks. Now I feel as stupid as my shirt looks.
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The only thing worse than Trump’s grammar is everything else he does.
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I play enough piano to impress a girl who is already going to sleep with me.
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I can’t believe it took a piano bar for me to realize Sublime is the whitest shit I’ve ever heard.
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You don’t need a watch anymore cuz you have your phone. You can just call someone and ask them what time it is.
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Shoutout to
@CheThinks
for 4 awesome shows at
@zaniesrosemont
. Genuinely funny and great dude.
http://t.co/3ApbsoiTcm
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I want to get a tattoo of a cross, with my dad's name under it, and 1956-2014. Just to see the look on his face.
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If I have to watch another movie where everything works out for Ryan Reynolds I'm going to kill myself.
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Yea sure I’m finally comfortable in my own skin, but now it’s all wrinkly.
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FYI the instrumental version of "Happy" is just the demo button on every keyboard.
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I’ll never get sick of my mom’s constant incorrect usage of emojis.
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A plus side of not being a super tall guy is that I can ride a bike without looking like a monster.
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Idc what you say, young Kellyanne Conway looks like she's about to give Walt some shit.
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Quick question: when people are singing "happy birthday" to you, what the fuck do you do with yourself?
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If you have more than $1 worth of change in your pocket at any given time, you're bad at math.
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Morning sex is great because it's the only time I can say I'm going to come on them sleepy titties.
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Just chatted up an old lady about pie for 10 minutes. Sooooo yea. Things are getting pretty serious.
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After a breakup, don't forget to delete the shit out of Timehop.
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My last girlfriend treated me like a god. She didn't believe in me.
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A girlfriend? And comedy? Nah, man. Fuck bitches, get funny.
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Timmy hasn't eaten an apple in four years since his father, a doctor, left his family.
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Have you been injured in a dancing related accident? Call the Law Offices of Poplock & Droppit.
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Man, some days you just feel like the third guy moving a couch.
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It's not fair that when a bear spends all winter sleeping it's called hibernating, but when I do it, it's called "seasonal depression".
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The only thing worse than Justin Bieber is men in their 30's complaining about Justin Bieber.
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I'm surprised John McEnroe is married. I always thought love meant nothing to tennis players.
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Guys if you're still unsure about what's going on in Baltimore, just call one of your older white relatives to get the full, unbiased scoop.
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I just FaceTimed my 21 mo old niece. I said I love you and she hung up on me. I'm fine. I'll be fine.
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I bet all the letters in the word "alphabet" have to feel pretty cool, man.
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The tooth fairy sounds innocent, the teeth fairy sounds horrifying.
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Not being a Canadian wastewater engineer means never having to say you're sewery.
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In you're twenties you realize you have an opinion, in your thirties you realize you should just shut up about it.
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@morninggloria
"nothing good has ever come out of a highlighted bible." Love it.
@racewarspodcast
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This Week's Show @ Bar Celona is tonight!
@TommyRyman
headlines! Joe McMahon hosts me,
@TommyMcNam
@friesenpoint
@mattchiaramonte
!
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The first thing I look for in a girl is her eyes. She really has to have eyes.
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I had faith in humanity until I found out that "dream pop" was a genre of music.
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When you try and sneak a bit into a conversation people 100% know that's what you're doing.
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I feel like each time I move my Dumbbells to a new apartment, theyre mocking me. Like, "maybe this would b easier if u payed attention 2 us"
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We all know catcalling is bad. We also know that catcalling in a New York accent is worse.
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My new Twitter handle is for people who still don't know how to pronounce my last name.
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Baseball: a game where anything can happen, but usually doesn't.
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Girls don't like short guys as much which is stupid cuz we're literally more down to earth.
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I'm standing behind this older Mexican guy. He's at least 20 years my señor.
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@theSamuelPriest
don't worry,
@SamuelJK3001
is probably just one of those people that cries when they get home from work.
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Should I tweet the picture of my tumor? (P.S. it's huge)
Yes
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No
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Die Hard 6 is going to be a prequel. It better be about John McClane's crippling ED that ruined his marriage with Holly.
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Shit. I just realized coffee makes me normal and no coffee makes me unapproachable.
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Goonie's comedy club in Rochester, MN has been one of the best clubs I've worked in a while. So much fun.
http://t.co/yqJhFOiUHL
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Teenagers are hooking up in between classes using Tinder. It is UPSETTING... That I was born so early.
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@MartyDeRosa
@martinMmorrow
I can come clean. But it was not from poop. I needed to dry my teeth for this whitening strip thing. So sryyyy.
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You don't really need to wear a watch nowadays. You have your phone. You can just call someone and ask them what time it is.
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Watching MTV's "Next" was a great way to take a peak at people currently in middle management.
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Nothing is sexier than misjudging the weight of a door and having to use two hands.
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Is it safe to assume every time I see the word Jew written as graffiti, it's derogatory?
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lol I saw a bird hit a window and immediately take a nap. lol dumb bird.
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Want to know your stripper/part-time wrestler name? The first name of someone you hated in high school + your favorite natural disaster.
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You could probably steal a baby in a stroller if you just wear yoga pants and keep it at a light jog.
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Every Time I pee and it's clear, in my head I'm like "aw yea im hydrated af."
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I just saw a grocery store knock off of Sour Patch Kids called Sour Children. In case you’re looking for a band name.
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"Backseat, windows up, that's the way I like to fuck" - guy who lives with his parents
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Naming a star is a perfect gift for couples whose relationships have most likely died a long time ago and they just can't see it yet.
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Man, on a Chicago night like this, you run into a lot of white people that aren't used to being this sweaty.
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I wish Pimp My Ride was still on MTV. I'd go on and be like "hey instead of 3 TV's in my car, how bout an oil change and new spark plugs?"
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My phone autocorrected "I gave" to "I have". I really need to evaluate what kind of person I have been.
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