Just found out someone is leaving the office at 4.45pm today to catch a train. Got my “oh on a half day are we?” stored patiently in my throat, like a Navy Seal hiding in a river. Everyone is going to lose their shit with this one. Will report back later how it went…
Had his headphones in, had to shout it a few times. Classic office reaction everyone worried about my drinking again. Just bants 24/7 that’s what I’m drinking. That and Glens Vodka.
Just found out someone is leaving the office at 4.45pm today to catch a train. Got my “oh on a half day are we?” stored patiently in my throat, like a Navy Seal hiding in a river. Everyone is going to lose their shit with this one. Will report back later how it went…
@jonnyr86
Was busy holding my cardboard box full of my stuff but I’ve commented on his LinkedIn “half day is it!” Anyway hope he gets to that funeral on time all jokes aside
Had his headphones in, had to shout it a few times. Classic office reaction everyone worried about my drinking again. Just bants 24/7 that’s what I’m drinking. That and Glens Vodka.
Told my mum and dad I was bringing the new girlfriend home for Christmas. Got to the station still single. Proper great prank, Mum’s sobbing. Dad bought flowers. Stitched them right up. They’ve cleaned the house lol. Got ‘em.
@OilOracle
@adam1985n
This is genius. I take my wedding ring off when a big project is being announced so they I’m going through something and don’t think I can handle it
Is there anything illegal about Ian Wright and Alan Shearer going round to Gary’s tonight with a few tinnies and live streaming their thoughts on today’s games? What MOTD was always lacking was bowls of crisps and a dog barking in the background
@MrRyanJDalton
@MissAHaddow
I’m not here to gain friends just here to be the office lad. Comes in hungover. Has loud arguments with the GF over the phone. Cries in the disabled toilets. ALL THE CLASSICS.
God I hate doing this but this tweet’s doing the numbers so if anyone wants tickets to our silly comedy gig in Liverpool April 21st here’s a link sorry to ruin the tweet Christ what a loser
💍 Ring bought ✅
Weather checked ✅
Speech written ✅
Favourite resort booked ✅
Romantic bike ride organised ✅
She’s been through a lot this year. Can’t wait to propose to my soul mate on Monday night at her favourite place
@CenterParcsUK
don’t tell her 🤫
The struggle is indeed real
@JayAllerton
but so too is solution -let me introduce you to the best local purveyor of milkshakes, chips, fry ups, omelettes and lattes guaranteed to get you back on your feet copperfields cafe at top of the market.
#youAreWelcome
#publicService
Hi
@stellacreasy
the McDonalds on Hoe Street is closed for renovations, does the council have hangover preparations in place? This isn’t a left or right wing issue. It’s real people. Really hungover.
As they say o̶n̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶h̶o̶m̶e̶ ̶p̶l̶a̶n̶e̶t̶ ̶ in my home town of West Essexshire, May your tentacles stay moist and your human body never deteriorate
Having dated a teacher let me tell you their lives are very tough, what with all the unfulfilling sex and disappointment at their boyfriends doing stand up
This tough decision reflects the BBC’s commitment to make more programmes across the UK and to better reflect, represent and serve all parts of the country. You can read the BBC’s statement in full here:
Hi
@thetrainline
I’ve been offered a last minute gig in London tonight so trying to book a train to Liverpool tomorrow but the app is showing flights to Dubai prices, possibly an IT issue?
I love autumn, getting out the old comfy jumpers, cosy nights, walking on crisp leaves, dressing up as my neighbour’s dead wife and tapping on his window screaming “I know what you did Greg”, reading books by the fire.
Thoughts go out to whichever restaurant has to serve Lawrence Fox his Christmas Day dinner whilst he leaves angrier and louder voicemails to Billie Piper.
My favourite day of the year, get them sexy mum pics up and we’ll announce sexiest mum at 5pm. This is an opt out competition so consider yourself playing.
If we all band together we can pretend tomorrow is a Bank Holiday as well. Nobody log on, ignore your emails, maybe get Tuesday Bank Holiday trending. Say it’s something to do with the Queen. Another great one from the ideas factory
Who’s taking a bang average show to Edinburgh? I’m talking 3 star territory, nothing too challenging. Feel free to tag in, I want to go see the Hollyoaks of comedy.
Those people who don’t play Poker often don’t understand the hardest part is resisting the urge to turn a torch on yourself and take turns telling ghost stories.
The worst thing about having the big covid is not being able to give the Just Eat guy his usual thank you kiss. Seeing him through the window, he didn’t understand bless him. He was so sad. Wish there was a way to let him know why. I’ll take him to the park when this is over.
Fox looking down at the phone he filmed this on, then back to the obsolete phone box turned defib station, and back down to his phone. It’s on the tip of his tongue… somehow all connected. He tries to call his kids again. No answer.
You’ll never realise how little your parents know you until they bring home a meal deal for you.
Ready salted crisps, am I your son or an Airbnb guest?
I let my Aunty play Grand Theft Auto once and she stopped at a red light. I told her she got a load of points and she was so happy. Such a simple act of kindness and then her generation overpriced the housing market and let the NHS crumble.
So nice to be back in cinemas, telling people to shut the fuck up, following talkers out of the screening, into the toilet, showing your blade. Missed it so much
#PeterRabbit2
Our spellbinding homage to Her Majesty The
#Queen
! 👑
We've projected eight portraits of Queen Elizabeth II onto Stonehenge in celebration of the
#PlatinumJubilee
.