Jamie Allerton
@JayAllerton
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Comedian. Writer. Safety dancer. 1/4 of @ComedyWTD , host of @bestmovie2pod
Liverpool, England
Joined April 2013
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Just found out someone is leaving the office at 4.45pm today to catch a train. Got my “oh on a half day are we?” stored patiently in my throat, like a Navy Seal hiding in a river. Everyone is going to lose their shit with this one. Will report back later how it went…
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Can’t believe she smoked 20 L&B a day and couldn’t tell the difference between me and my brother
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Wouldn’t want them texting from the front lines.
A total ban on under-16s owning smartphones should be considered by the next government, according to a report from MPs
Read more 👇
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Had his headphones in, had to shout it a few times. Classic office reaction everyone worried about my drinking again. Just bants 24/7 that’s what I’m drinking. That and Glens Vodka.
Just found out someone is leaving the office at 4.45pm today to catch a train. Got my “oh on a half day are we?” stored patiently in my throat, like a Navy Seal hiding in a river. Everyone is going to lose their shit with this one. Will report back later how it went…
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You have been cursed by the Captain Tom truck, you have 7 days to embezzle a hot tub from your nearest charity
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Respect the competition and put your A team out Tottenham. Disgusting.
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They haven’t really got your nose Jack it’s just their thumb between their fingers.
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Read the text Phillip Schofield sent Holly Willoughby after admitting to affair
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@jonnyr86
Was busy holding my cardboard box full of my stuff but I’ve commented on his LinkedIn “half day is it!” Anyway hope he gets to that funeral on time all jokes aside
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Had his headphones in, had to shout it a few times. Classic office reaction everyone worried about my drinking again. Just bants 24/7 that’s what I’m drinking. That and Glens Vodka.
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Switching my mum and dad’s tv from BBC One to BBC One HD when I go home for Christmas
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Really nice to visit the Carling brewery last night to see how it’s made
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Told my mum and dad I was bringing the new girlfriend home for Christmas. Got to the station still single. Proper great prank, Mum’s sobbing. Dad bought flowers. Stitched them right up. They’ve cleaned the house lol. Got ‘em.
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@OilOracle
@adam1985n
This is genius. I take my wedding ring off when a big project is being announced so they I’m going through something and don’t think I can handle it
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It’s awards season yet nobody is discussing last years greatest performance: Ram Charan’s facial hair in RRR.
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Haven’t been to church in 17 years but you can’t deny the power of this. I’ll see you Sunday.
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“Julie knew if it wasn’t a clean kill, she would need to save the last bullet, to turn the gun on herself. They wouldn’t take her alive”
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Just feel sorry for the staff who have to tell him about this tomorrow and again on Tuesday morning
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“Welcome to England, Batman… I’m afraid you won’t have time to find ALL my exploding crumpets.”
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Is there anything illegal about Ian Wright and Alan Shearer going round to Gary’s tonight with a few tinnies and live streaming their thoughts on today’s games? What MOTD was always lacking was bowls of crisps and a dog barking in the background
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Want to feel old? This is the sun baby from the Teletubbies
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Venn diagram of people who are against the nurse’s strike and people who forgave Matt Hancock because he went on I’m A Celeb
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@MrRyanJDalton
@MissAHaddow
I’m not here to gain friends just here to be the office lad. Comes in hungover. Has loud arguments with the GF over the phone. Cries in the disabled toilets. ALL THE CLASSICS.
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It would be pretty funny if Charles opens The Kings Speech dressed up as the Queen, full jewels and wig, not breaking character once. Does the voice.
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Oh god Titanic look behind you this can’t happen again
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Hitting the gym 7am January 1st
Batman Returns (1992)
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Can’t believe that baby has already been given a PPE contract. Good on her.
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Of course back in them days you wouldn’t call them a sexual health doctor they were called a
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God I hate doing this but this tweet’s doing the numbers so if anyone wants tickets to our silly comedy gig in Liverpool April 21st here’s a link sorry to ruin the tweet Christ what a loser
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Onto my third day of wearing only black, have unfortunately had to break out the Batman costume but this mourn train don’t stop for no one
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Starmer must’ve had a chuckle over his single dry weetabix and room temperature water this morning
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💍 Ring bought ✅
Weather checked ✅
Speech written ✅
Favourite resort booked ✅
Romantic bike ride organised ✅
She’s been through a lot this year. Can’t wait to propose to my soul mate on Monday night at her favourite place
@CenterParcsUK
don’t tell her 🤫
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MCing the second half of a gig when you’ve already been through everybody’s jobs
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In times of doubt write to your local MP
The struggle is indeed real
@JayAllerton
but so too is solution -let me introduce you to the best local purveyor of milkshakes, chips, fry ups, omelettes and lattes guaranteed to get you back on your feet copperfields cafe at top of the market.
#youAreWelcome
#publicService
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I’m the guy your mum used to warn you about
I have nits
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Lad Bible article:
People have found out what these machines are for on the tube and they’re shocked…
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The nation needed this. Remainers/Leavers, Tory/Labour....we all wanted him locked in
#CrystalMaze
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Hi
@stellacreasy
the McDonalds on Hoe Street is closed for renovations, does the council have hangover preparations in place? This isn’t a left or right wing issue. It’s real people. Really hungover.
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Can’t wait to be in a pub screaming at the bar staff because this cheeky boy has popped up
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As they say o̶n̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶h̶o̶m̶e̶ ̶p̶l̶a̶n̶e̶t̶ ̶ in my home town of West Essexshire, May your tentacles stay moist and your human body never deteriorate
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Having dated a teacher let me tell you their lives are very tough, what with all the unfulfilling sex and disappointment at their boyfriends doing stand up
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Nice of the BBC to reflect the nation by underfunding its own fictional hospitals
This tough decision reflects the BBC’s commitment to make more programmes across the UK and to better reflect, represent and serve all parts of the country. You can read the BBC’s statement in full here:
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If only there was a quick method of public transport for them to fuck off back to London
Hearing stories about people being abused and kicked out of bars across Manchester just because they’re Tories.
The tolerant left!
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Hi
@thetrainline
I’ve been offered a last minute gig in London tonight so trying to book a train to Liverpool tomorrow but the app is showing flights to Dubai prices, possibly an IT issue?
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Well yeah, you need a good run up
I almost walked away from pole vault, admits British bronze star Holly Bradshaw
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Scream 3 has it flaws but I’m a big fan of Sidney putting a coded alarm on an easily scalable 4ft fence.
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I love autumn, getting out the old comfy jumpers, cosy nights, walking on crisp leaves, dressing up as my neighbour’s dead wife and tapping on his window screaming “I know what you did Greg”, reading books by the fire.
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My phone connecting to every unusable BT WiFi on a 5 minute walk in town:
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Chest pains during sex
Tell us you're a Greggs fan without saying you're a Greggs fan
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Thoughts go out to whichever restaurant has to serve Lawrence Fox his Christmas Day dinner whilst he leaves angrier and louder voicemails to Billie Piper.
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Tier 4 Christmas Sanity: Watching Die Hard with the boys.
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Wow 12 years since we saw Gary Barlow put his tax records through a shredder live at Wembley
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Saying Candyman 5 times into a circus mirror so he comes out all wibbly wobbly and feels like a right silly goose
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Russell T. Davies is going hard on these new storylines
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If the milkshake machine isn’t working the McDonald sign should be flown at half mast.
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Your friends set up a WhatsApp group to sort out your birthday present but now they use that chat to talk about you, happy Friday anxiety!
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Klopp looking like he’s promised Thiago ice cream after a hard day at school (a thread)
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Insane that cinemas in the South don’t do popcorn with gravy. You guys are missing out
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Not many people know that the bridge being up signifies the Queen is having sex
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My favourite day of the year, get them sexy mum pics up and we’ll announce sexiest mum at 5pm. This is an opt out competition so consider yourself playing.
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I’m on 1 ticket sale for today so nobody push my show I wanna make it weird for this guy
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If we all band together we can pretend tomorrow is a Bank Holiday as well. Nobody log on, ignore your emails, maybe get Tuesday Bank Holiday trending. Say it’s something to do with the Queen. Another great one from the ideas factory
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Who’s taking a bang average show to Edinburgh? I’m talking 3 star territory, nothing too challenging. Feel free to tag in, I want to go see the Hollyoaks of comedy.
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Getting ready to call Rees-Mogg a little Jesus nonce when he does his Easter tweet
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Imagine waking up in the caves under London today and realising it’s your shift to wear the Matt Hancock skin suit.
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Can’t call yourself a Diana themed cafe unless you have that final piece…
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Those people who don’t play Poker often don’t understand the hardest part is resisting the urge to turn a torch on yourself and take turns telling ghost stories.
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Not long til this delivers IPA’s in Shoreditch for £6.50 a can
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The worst thing about having the big covid is not being able to give the Just Eat guy his usual thank you kiss. Seeing him through the window, he didn’t understand bless him. He was so sad. Wish there was a way to let him know why. I’ll take him to the park when this is over.
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Texting the group chat after you wake up from the worst threesome ever…
'I never thought I’d say this, but I’m with Liz Truss and Boris Johnson'
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Fox looking down at the phone he filmed this on, then back to the obsolete phone box turned defib station, and back down to his phone. It’s on the tip of his tongue… somehow all connected. He tries to call his kids again. No answer.
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You’ll never realise how little your parents know you until they bring home a meal deal for you.
Ready salted crisps, am I your son or an Airbnb guest?
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Partying with the big light on is their most heinous crime.
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Have we noticed all news has been bad since March 23, 2015…
…the same day that The Late Late Show with James Corden first aired.
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I let my Aunty play Grand Theft Auto once and she stopped at a red light. I told her she got a load of points and she was so happy. Such a simple act of kindness and then her generation overpriced the housing market and let the NHS crumble.
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Obviously would be very distasteful to run a betting pool about tomorrow’s
#Dispatches
DM me if you think so too and I’ll reply with latest odds.
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“Turning through Gambon very nicely, but has he beat the Stig?”
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So nice to be back in cinemas, telling people to shut the fuck up, following talkers out of the screening, into the toilet, showing your blade. Missed it so much
#PeterRabbit2
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Smashing Mortal Kombat on hard and unlocking every outfit
Our spellbinding homage to Her Majesty The
#Queen
! 👑
We've projected eight portraits of Queen Elizabeth II onto Stonehenge in celebration of the
#PlatinumJubilee
.
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Absolutely livid. Asked my landlord for a reduction in rent as a performing artist who is going to take a hit:
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