James Allen
@JamesAllen27
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Following
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Statuses
15,294
2018 Chortle Student Finalist. Comedy. The Bravery. Host of @thanksmempod and co-host @thecultraspod
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Joined May 2011
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Walking into a sword convention and yelling swords are rubbish.
What's your unpopular opinion that would get you in this situation?
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JESUS HAS RISEN!
NORTH LONDON HAS RISEN!
WHITE ROLLED THE BALL AWAY AND IT WAS A HOT CROSS BY RICE THAT WAS FINISHED BY JESUS ON TODAY, THE LORD’S DAY!
FORGET EGG HUNTS, THIS IS THE TITLE HUNT, AND ARSENAL’S HOPES HAVE BEEN RESURRECTED!!!
Peter Drury thinking about all the puns he can say if Gabriel Jesus scores from a cross on Easter Sunday
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All of his videos look like Bonkers by Dizzee Rascal
WHAT. THE. HELL.
This morning, 0620, watch this bus pass me.
LK17 AFF, the 243 heading east on Theobalds Road.
So how do I report this,
@TfL
?
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All the da’s turning up in their flat caps and waistcoats.
“One tango ice blast please”
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"THEIR NEW ALBUM IS SHIT. HAVE I LISTENED TO IT? NO BUT PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME, I JUST HOPE ON THE NEXT ONE THEY GO BACK TO CAPTURING THEIR OLD SOUND YOU KNOW AND WRITE SONGS THAT SOUND MORE LIKE I BET YOU LOOK GOOD ON THE DANCEFLOOR. SPEAKING OF WHICH DO YOU WANT A SMIRNOFF ICE?"
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Choose wife.
Knot tied. All good in this world. See you later, alligators.
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Unfortunately, I didn't get the part I auditioned for in this year's "Nickleback Nativity".
Never made it as a wise man.
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Sky sports fixated on Harry Styles but failing to notice Ezra Koenig from Vampire Weekend AT KENILWORTH ROAD!!!
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Home alone, cerveza in hand watching Romania, call me Macaulay Balkan.
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Hez we forget
Pummel your opponent’s face with
#respect
and
#poignancy
as you remembrance the
#Fallen
with these knock-out Poppy boxing gloves! 🥊
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@Nike
Hi guys. This is now my second attempt to contact you. In 2005 my friends at the time made me get this haircut saying it would look cool. I was heavily mocked (a family member called me Tick Astley). I was wondering if you could offer me an endorsement/lump sum of money?
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Oooooohh and that's a bad mist
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The puppet outside Timpsons has come to life.
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I once panic bought £80 worth of Warhammer figures when I was 15 after a former friend and an employee of games workshop with a platted beard said it would be "the best decision I ever made"
Whilst at the till, a group of "lads" stormed in. One shouted "you all shag the dice".
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2012. Took the Big Apple by storm wearing a Wetherspoons carpet.
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When your phone's on 5% and you haven't got a charger nearby, how do spend your final temporary moments with your technological counterpart?
I've just taken a "Which flag resembles your personality quiz" and got Bosnia.
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When someone delivers a PowerPoint presentation in public and it doesn't work.
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@BeardedGenius
I swear I remember reading somwhere that Robert Carlyle wore white socks when playing Begbie as it made him look more psychopathic.
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Ater a world cup with all the trimmings it's time for some left overs. The second half of the Premier League that is. Everton & Wolves were in dire need of a visit from The Ghost of Christmas Points with just four separating them at the bottom half. Watching this one, Guy Mowbray
Let's have your "Match of the Day Wry Intro" predictions. Suspect that Gary might keep it simple
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This is such a good listen. Darkplace being talked about in great detail is the conversation I've always wanted to be a fly on the wall for.
KWAAAARK! NEW EPISODE KLAXON! It's that
@MrNishKumar
and he's only brought in the work of author, dreamweaver, visionary, plus actor Garth Maranghi, and his... DARKPLACE Jason Hazeley & Joel Morris presents Rule of Three! or
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"Hey Cristiano. CR7. Ron. What's that coming over the hill is it a Ronster? Morgz here. THE MORGATRON! Im opening a bottle of the ol cab sav tonight if you're about? Or can hit up a private bar I loathe but go to be edgy? Message me when you get this mate. Beers are on Piers"
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Carpenters post 1860.
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The question of whether breaking the fourth wall, placards & epic theatre leaving GCSE Drama are being debated currently by AQA
Brecht'xit.
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Fun fact: Since 2000 only two teams have won the champions league that haven’t been sponsored by Nike or Adidas.
Liverpool (Reebok and New Balance)
Man City (Puma)
Before you ask, 549 friends on Facebook.
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35 GRAND JOB, in the city that sounds nice that sounds nice it's alright if the money is alright.
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After yesterday's Facebook memory I've trawled through my timeline to find some more and ask why I was given social media at such a young age. I'll be posting one a day on my Instagram story should you wish to follow me.
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Lockdown has given me time to reflect. Most notably, this dignified tribute I made to former Jacksss star Ryan Dunn at the age of 13.
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First dance was to the PS1 loading screen.
Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love's daughter, Frances Bean Cobain and Tony Hawk's son, Riley Hawk are married. 🎸
Oh, and R.E.M. frontman Michael Stipe officiated.
Story:
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@adamrowecomedy
"With no wins in three it was Liverpool who were looking to "All Rise" to victory against a Bournemouth side that are trying to find "One Love" between manager and squad. Your commentator at Anfield, Guy Mowbary."
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Looks like the bootlegger
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Comedians did not sign up to be your hero. It’s our job to say "we'll put a maybe by that one" when doing new stuff when in actual fact it died on its arse.
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"Alright pal it's my best mates stag. Would you be able to take the piss out him a bit? I can give you some ammunition if you want? In fact, can I just go up before you go and roast him a bit? WHAT? Why not? Shit night this mate, my Madri's gone off anyway."
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“Nah we just did vouchers this year less hassle. Ooo I’ll have a brew if you’re making one chum”
"I'm glad to be back at work to be honest. Bit of normality"
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@elisjames
I think it may be due to the demise of the family party buffet. After i turned 16 they dwindled for me which was a shame as I'm a big fan of the stock four dip selection.
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Surely if Space Jam is being released in America it would be called Space Jelly?
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*EXCITING NEWS!*
I'm going to be doing the AAA stand up Showcase at the Edinburgh Fringe this year, 6:20pm at the Underbelly.
I cannot wait!!!
*Immediately throws up due to nerves and excitement*
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2012. Peak Joy Division and The Smiths era Allen here. The Wirral’s most contrived sadboi. Flicking one V for Eastham McColls one in one out policy and the other for Bromborough Odeon reducing it’s screen capacity!
ANARCHY!
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“Police found out he feels a fool, tried playing it off with a coo, does that really make any difference?”
Pigeon suspected of being Chinese spy released by police after eight months
Read more 🔗
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Are you gonna go my weights?
Thank God for today! Grateful. Never been better. There are no shortcuts so seize your day. It is all possible. Love!
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You can find me in the club, bottle full of bud, sleep-dancing to ABBA.
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Big love to everyone's nice comments about me guesting on
@MildHighClubUK
this past week. Proper made my weekend!
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Apprentice contestant unimpressed with this weeks prize after winning the task.
#TheApprentice
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Not to brag but Phil Parkinson, manager of Wrexham is currently in my local and it appears we are both taking part in tonight’s pub quiz!
Can Allen win? He always wins.
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Walked on stage said hello got called a c**t followed by you heard me you're a c**t now get off. He tried to high five me and I did the too slow bit and he threatened to kick my head in. I was then given career advice by Les Battersby.
Normalise comedians sharing their failiers as well as their successes! I'll start: Dropped by my agent and heckled with 'Shit Cunt' on the same day. 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
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“WELL John Lewis and the team had every DEPARTMENT covered! They’ve discounted the defence, slashed the midfield and found a couple of bargains up top. They won’t be refunding him anytime soon”
Imagine what Peter Drury would do if a fella called John Lewis scored a big goal in December
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I’m sorry but how have they not called this “Twisters are doing it for themselves”?
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Can't wait to be at
@HWCCLiverpool
tonight. Can't tell if the sick I feel in my stomach is excitement, nerves or imagined dread.
Nevertheless, come on down.
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🚨ALERT!🚨 I'm going to be running out a lil' work in progress called "Sorry Mate, Only Just Seen This" next April at Metrocola in Liverpool. Tickets available soon!!!
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Me walking home after getting gonged off for the 50th time.
First teaser for ‘JOKER 2’
Full trailer releases at 6:30pm PT
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Just remembered a belter. 2018 Fringe I'm walking to the gents at the Pleaseance Dome. I walk in and someone in a cubicle says "shit, who's that?" A TV comedian walked out looked at me and said to their friend "Oh. No-one important". I then heard a lot of heavy sniffing.
Normalise comedians sharing their failiers as well as their successes! I'll start: Dropped by my agent and heckled with 'Shit Cunt' on the same day. 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
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Good morning.
I once emailed my university rugby team, expressing interest in playing but stressed I wasn't too keen on getting tackled.
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Tis the season to be jolly, and also shed light on when you turned up to the Year 6 Christmas disco dressed as a bass player in a moderately successful emo band.
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Just died on my arse in front of former CBBC presenter Barney Harwood.
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We’ve hit 5,000 followers at
@thecultraspod
. Unbelievable! Thanks to everyone who’s supported us so far. Thanks for allowing us to talk about kit templates and stadium capacities
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