Isaac Fitzgerald
@IsaacFitzgerald
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New York Times bestselling author of Dirtbag, Massachusetts | How to Be a Pirate | Knives and Ink | Pen and Ink. Next up? American Dionysus for @AAKnopf. đ
Brooklyn
Joined February 2009
Deeply honored and tremendously grateful to be working with @freemanreads and the formidable team at @knopf on my next book, American Dionysus. đ
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Walked into the bodega and asked if they sold butter. âSorry, no,â but then a pause, âHow much do you need? Just cooking dinner?â. Love you, New York City.
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$1,200. Thatâs all folks were given. This whole, catastrophic year.
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Are boats. unionizing?.
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I canât explain it but the energy lately is âeveryone is losing itâ in a way we havenât seen since 2020.
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A woman on the street just yelled âSHIT!!!â then looked up from her phone and said âthat wasnât directed at you. Itâs just, the Supreme Court. " and a woman standing next to her simply nodded.
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At @barbiethemovie I saw a group of teens clowning on their friend who arrived late because he was dressed in an all-gray sweatsuit and they were all wearing pink but then the delayed pal lifted up his sweatshirt to reveal a pink t-shirt underneath and the whole crew went WILD.
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Me ordering a bottle of wine with lunch.
If France can do it we can do it.
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Last night I overheard two twenty-somethings having a very deep, very earnest conversation. At a certain point the young woman turned to the young man and asked, âSo, do you go to therapy?â The young man pointed at his skateboard and said, âThatâs my therapy.â. My guy. So close.
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Cops, which has been on television for 33 seasons since 1989, has been cancelled.
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Start writing a book.
Okay who has tips for motivating yourself to clean your apartment.
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Usually I record scenes I witness on here, but the other day I *was* the scene. My dog slipped her collar in Prospect Park. She didnât run awayâbut she didnât come back, either. We played ten-foot keep away for half an hour, or so. Thatâs when a man named Chris meandered overâŚ.
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Just watched a man at a bar in Penn Station order two martinis, pay for them, promptly pour them into an empty Evian bottle, and then walk out all while Billy Joelâs âUptown Girlâ played on the jukebox. Happy holidays!.
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Last night sitting outside of a bar a man yelled âJosh!â as another man rode by on a bike. The man presumably named Josh slammed on his brakes as the other man leapt up from his chair and embraced him. They held each other for a *VERY* long time, laughing at first, then silence. .
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Guessed a kidâs âHot Cheetoâ costume and I can still hear him shouting âI told you somebody would get it!â at his older siblings as they walk down the block.
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I re-leashed my dog and hugged her close. When I looked up, Chris was already sauntering away. âThank you!â I yelled. Chris raised his hand without looking back. âAll good,â he responded. âTakes a village, etc. Besides, I shouldnât be eating this whole sandwich anyway.â. Hero.
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Eventually Josh rode off. A few people clapped. As the man returned to his chair I inquired. âJosh is a friend, he fixed my bike at the beginning ofâ he waves his hand in the air. âWe promised when we saw each other again we would hug each other very, very hard. And now we have.â.
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Riding the NYC subway before 6am is wild because you will witness numerous people come out of a dead sleep at their *exact* stop and smooth walk off the train as if they didnât just execute an amazing early morning magic trick.
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Me when I boil water and cook pasta instead of ordering delivery.
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Counterpoint: a poorly paid graphic designer very much did.
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Sorry it took me two weeks to respond to your email. Supply chain issues.
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I too failed to pass my skinny plan this summer.
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Dear Media: Remember how you did all those "Who Is the Trump Voter" pieces back in 2016? Well, now it's time to do just as many stories about Black voters, Native American voters, immigrant voters, young voters, and first-time voters, ok? Bring that same energy.
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When your friend gets themselves into some nonsense and you'll be damned if you're gonna let 'em go through that nonsense on their own.
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Just saw a teen carefully rip a âWet Paintâ sign in the subway station so it read âPainâ and then show it to another teen and then the two teens kissed so Iâm excited to know that emo culture will be safely making it into the next decade.
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Today's the shortest day of the year, y'all. Everything gets a little bit brighter for a little bit longer on a daily basis starting tomorrow.
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This is my FAVORITE heist. The woman straight up stole a prince. Incredible. â¨.
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Totally chill and completely normal stuff over here while watching đ@LeVarBurton read How to Be a Pirate. đđ´ââ ď¸đżđâ¨đđ
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Chris ripped out a long strip of grease-glistening bacon and handed it to me. Immediately my pup trotted over, gladly trading (what she thought was) playtime for a snack. In a flash Chrisâwhose movements up until this moment had been casualâgrabbed her and swept her into my arms.
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âHaving trouble?â he asked. I looked upâa lilâ panicked plus a bit out of breathâand nodded. âForgot her treats back at the apartment,â I said. âWell, why donât you try this,â Chris sorta chuckled while revealing a bacon, egg, and cheese with the slightest hint of a flourishâŚ.
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As a former bouncer I can assure you that all of your fondly remembered bar fights were actually just dumb pains in the ass that ruined other peopleâs good times.
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I love the Statue of Liberty even more now that I have visited Paris. The French were simply trying to help us class up the joint. âYou donât have nearly enough giant statues that serve zero purpose,â they tsked, smoking a cigarette. âHere. Have one of ours. We have so, so many.â.
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When you piss off your ex and now all your friends and coworkers have to pay for your bullshit.
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The guy who founded Scrub Daddy sponges has a custom Scrub Daddy sponge necklace made out of gold and I think everyone should know that.
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Just walked past a teen couple sitting outside a bodega. The girl was crying as the boy talked quickly and apologetically. Then the woman walking behind me (w/out breaking stride) yelled "he ain't worth it honey" and good lord the smile that flashed across that young girl's face.
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It ain't "Defund the Police" but I'll take "Cops is cancelled" as an appetizer.
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Anyone who is mad at this has never had to worry about paying rent in their entire life.
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Shout-out to the elderly woman on the Q train this morning who was quietly crying while holding her "I Voted" sticker and slowly rubbing it.
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How I look in the mirror vs. how I look in photos.
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You CANNOT convince me that this dude isn't actually the Loch Ness monster in human form, who surfaces every so often to poke around and go "Yup, still no sign of ol' Nessy" before quietly returning to the water and transforming back into his original shape deep beneath the waves.
Adrian Shine, the leader of the Loch Ness Project, looks exactly like how I imagined the leader of the Loch Ness Project would look like.
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I wake up mad every morning. The United States is one of the richest countries in the world. This is such a failure of leadership. Such a disgrace.
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"Here for a good time, not for a long time." -Peonies.
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Wait, is the energy between Pete and Amy the energy all Midwesterners have? All âfriendlyâ and âniceâ but ready at a momentâs notice to drag your enemies to hell, consequences be damned?.
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When life's problems keep piling up but you're trying to stay positive.
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I know I shouldn't let him in but â and hear me out here â what if I let him in.
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At JFK at 8am and a bunch of adults in matching t-shirts are yelling, clapping, and carrying on so my cynical ass begins to roll my eyes when a gaggle of kids walk down this red carpet and I realize itâs a @MakeAWish flight to Disney and now weâre all clapping/yelling/tearing up.
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Had a friend say they couldn't make a zoom cocktail party because they have another one scheduled for that same time period so yes you can still feel unpopular during the apocalypse.
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"I can't believe you aren't dressing up for Halloween.". First of all, Susan, we all wear masks.
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Ah, yes. We've finally made it. The the end of the year. That special season when I lovingly embrace the delusion that I can fix my entire life in two weeks.
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Half of you are talking about musicals and the other half are talking about the Chicago Bulls and to be honest being back in middle school is pretty great.
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An incredibly nice Mercedes with a uniformed driver just cruised by me on the street and the only person in the backseat was a big ol' bulldog sitting on a fancy pillow so don't ever let 'em tell you that the magic is gone from New York City.
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An interesting thing about owning a dog is how the John Wick movies make more sense.
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For no reason whatsoever look at what a goddamn stunner my grandfather was. â¨
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Good day to remember that Mary Magdalene has the most metal-as-hell resting place of all time.
Today is the feast day of Mary Magdalene. This is said to be her skull, which is kept in a glass dome in a crypt outside Provence:."The skull of Mary Magdalene rests in the crypt of the Basilique Sainte Marie Madeleine, a massive Gothic basilica whose construction began in 1295."
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Half the appeal of this show is shouting âwait, did that really happen?!â And then googling it only to discover that the truth is far, far worse.
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Wait. Did we all know that young Kamala Harris looked like she was the lead singer in a British new wave band?
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(Later that evening, when I recounted the story to a friend, they implied that I was being visited by the Ghost of Isaacs Past, which⌠fair.).
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When I moved to New York I said to a friend who was born here, "Whew, your city is kicking my ass" and they replied, "It's just a city, a place, it really doesn't give a shit about you one way or the other" and I feel like there are a lot of people who should hear that right now.
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During the whole pandemic my #1 deli guy was never at the shop, so I was a lil' concerned. But today I walked in and there he was. We all but hugged over the counter. So many fist bumps. "Gonna make you something tasty," now I'm eating the best bacon egg and cheese I've ever had.
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We should talk more about what a weird little freak the Ghost of Christmas Past is in The Muppet Christmas Carol.
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My dog woke me up like she does every morning, ready for her morning walk. But after putting on some clothes I found her asleep, taking up my entire side of the bed. So now Iâm out here on the couchâawakeâstaring at the ceiling, grappling with the fact that my dog just played me.
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Never forget the extreme horny energy of Herbal Essences commercials in the 1990s.
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Ordered my regular sandwich at the local spot but they were out of the ingredients so my dude asked "do you trust me?" and five minutes later handed me a big baby-sized hero all wrapped up to go and said "I made you a banger" and good Lord am I happy to be back in New York City.
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Don't use Grubhub. Don't use Seamless. Don't use Yelp. Pick up the phone. Call your favorite restaurant. Support them directly. It's that simple.
Struggling Restaurants Paid Record Fees To Grubhub During The Pandemic via @venessawong.
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Woman cradles and protects orb. Man carries and protects both. This is how it ought to be, despite what your goblin studies professor says
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Conservatives Name More Than One Character in 1984 Challenge.
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Now that I've seen Black Panther, I would like a three-film, Lord of the Rings-type complete history of Wakanda please and thank you.
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Took my niece and nephew all over New York City today. Saw all the sights. Visited museums and ate delicious food. Asked them what their favorite things in the whole city are and they said:. 1. Riding the subway. 2. Sitting on a stoop. 3. Peeing behind a bush in Central Park.
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Drinking gin in Stockholm, I watched a young teen on the street who was holding a rose behind his back. As the minutes ticked by, he kept checking his phone, looking more and more concerned.
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Today is the feast day of Mary Magdalene. This is said to be her skull, which is kept in a glass dome in a crypt outside Provence:."The skull of Mary Magdalene rests in the crypt of the Basilique Sainte Marie Madeleine, a massive Gothic basilica whose construction began in 1295."
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No. I'm sorry. I'm going to keep saying it. To equate critique with threat and protests with violence is what's dangerous. This is just the publisher not wanting to deal with fallout and backlash. But don't say that people pushing back against a book is threatening to democracy.
An author in a democracy should not fear for her security.
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Dude who watches our dog (and many other dogs in the neighborhood) gifted us a Pups â23 calendar and it is now my most prized possession. Is there an award for Best Dog Sitter? đŚđ
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Me: Owning a dog won't be that expensive, just gotta stick to the basics. Me, 1 week into owning a dog: Oh hell yes.
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"Big Bird, you have a right to be angry." . Why is this show still teaching me things when I'm 36. đđđ.
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Suddenly, an old man sitting a few seats down from me began to clap. A table of young people joined him. They had all been watching too. Slowly, we all began to clap until the entire bar was cheering. The two teens looked up and laughed, and then they walked away holding hands.đš.
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Last night a bartender asked me what I do for work, and for the first time since I quit my job I mustered all my confidence and said, "I'm a writer" and without skipping a beat she replied, âSo you're unemployed," but then gave me a free beer so I'm considering it a win.
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Being an adult.
What did you glamorize as a kid, but after doing it as an adult realized it wasnât great at all?.
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I know we don't have Vine any more but this is a perfect Vine:
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Of the 53 people in my FB timeline who have shared this 4 are male. Men:.Read this. Share this. Look. Look. Look.
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I was recently using a QR code that was taking a moment to scan so I hit the âtake photoâ button on my phone because I was nervous and the 17-year-old employee said, âyou donât actually have to take a picture of itâ and it was in that moment that I realized time comes for us all.
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Standing in Penn Station and just overheard a man say loudly into his phone, âWell, this is all off the record.â Pause. âOff the record!â Pause. âWhat do you mean? I just said it is!â and this has been your annual reminder that both parties must agree before going off the record.
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Next year make the dress bigger so it pushes Offset out of the pictures.
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Dude taking his trash out sang âEverybody dance now!â real loud and in perfect pitch so you know I hit him that âBomp! Bomp-bomp-bomp Bomp!â from across the street and then we both did a lilâ dance move, so yeah Iâm feeling pretty good about today.
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Motherfucker went viral in 1982 because he made a meme that nobody understood and it literally solidified his career. đ K I N G đ
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Reminder that you don't ever have to apologize for promoting your writing/art/etc. on this damn website. We all give so much on here for free, nothing wrong with self promotion. You worked hard on the thing. Be proud. Be loud. And then be sure to promote someone else's work too.
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New Rule: Twitter is only for talking about Keanu Reeves.
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Imagine meeting a dude at 12 years old, becoming best friends, growing up thick as thieves together and staying in touch even when you're on other sides of the world, and then, 25 years later, he sends you a picture of him reading your children's book to his beautiful new baby.
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Struck by the similarities between this R. Kelly interview and the Kavanaugh hearings. First tears, then intense indignation and displays of anger.
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