Mike Scott
@IrkthePurists
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Phoning it in, but rapidly running out of five pences
Joined February 2010
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I've started a blog. Little bit of politics, etc.
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The convention of ‘picking teams’ in PE lessons was a weird ritual wasn’t it? It still makes me angry.
Essentially it was the most popular kids in the school getting official permission to publicly rank everyone else in order of apparent weediness.
Is it still a thing?
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Imagine being this guy.
‘I’m a bit bored this morning - think I’ll try and get a minimum wage worker in trouble for no reason.’
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Poor old Rishi Sunak. Must be agony having to wait a full four or five days before this thing blows over and nothing happens.
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Getting horrible Dancing in the Moonlight vibes from this. Hot tub in the corner. Peroni in a ice-dustbin. Guests calling the burgers ‘one of these bad boys’.
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Why must we shy people always ‘come out of our shells’? Why can’t loud confident extroverts fuck off back into theirs?
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I hear the KLF will be promoting their arrival on Spotify by publicly burning 0.00006 pence.
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Mastodon is basically your mum saying ‘We don’t need to spend good money on expensive Twitter - I’ll knit you one’.
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Ah, the Guardian food supplement. Does anyone else find it hard to look beyond shakshuka on Christmas morning?
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Extraordinary, isn’t it, that Jonathan Ross still has a primetime chat show. One that apparently goes out on ITV on Saturday nights.
Who watches it? I assume some people must do. But it’s like finding out they still make fruit Polos.
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Idea for a sitcom: the old versions of Morrissey, Roseanne Barr, Ken Livingstone and Germaine Greer have to share a flat with the current versions.
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He looks like a child in a school drama production playing a character called ‘Man’.
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Well you'll be safe then.
Man loses job after making a joke. Welcome to Britain in 2018.
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It’s Paul McCartney, with special guests People Who Aren’t As Famous As Him Even Though They’re Fucking Bruce Springsteen.
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Always remember Alan Bennett’s line about it. ‘Aw sir, we had him last time.’
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MAKE SOME SKETCH SHOWS AND SITCOMS
The time for talk is over!
#TheTraitors
has been commissioned for a fourth series as well as a nine-part celebrity version for
#iPlayer
and BBC One - and series three has already been filmed against the backdrop of the Scottish Highlands
Find out more ➡️
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I used to quite like Only Connect, but I think I’m at the stage now where I’m hate-watching it.
The smugness. The utter smugness. And their theatrical dismay at the music questions still enrages me.
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Did your school refer to a vaulting horse, some bars on the wall and a couple of battered crash mats as ‘the apparatus’?
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Here’s an idea: axe This Morning completely and put a nice film on.
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Trump’s just pardoned Morecambe and Wise for the way they sliced the third grapefruit.
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Yesterday the Guardian did a ‘Comfort Food’ supplement.
So that’ll be…Viennetta? Wotsit sandwiches? Deep-fried Dairylea? No:
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@Bob_Fischer
Genuine message I heard over a hospital waiting room tannoy recently: ‘Please sign in at the machine, otherwise you will be sent back to the machine.’
Which sounds like a Roger Waters lyric.
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I hear Game of Thrones fans are campaigning to have Morecambe and Wise’s ‘stripper’ sketch remade so that the third grapefruit gets cut in half properly.
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Fuck’s sake. Even people who hate the BBC and want it shut down agree that iPlayer is objectively better in absolutely every way.
Who voted for this? People whose hobby is watching Part 2 of an out-of-sync episode of Minder eight times in the wrong aspect ratio?
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Interesting, isn’t it, that when Gary Lineker tweets something very, very slightly left-wing the press are all ‘Sack teh woke traitor’, but when Jeremy Vine asks ‘Maybe disabled people should just fuck off and stave?’ (I’m paraphrasing, but only a bit) there’s not a peep.
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Michael Gove is now environment secretary, in the same way that a 5 year old boy running around with his arms outstretched is an aeroplane.
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The objection to Universal Basic Income is essentially ‘No…people MUST have a life as shit as mine’ and not much else.
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Why are Depeche Mode so bad at Zoom calls?
Because they’re on Mute.
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I know we all want someone to blame, but I think that’s a bit unfair.
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I know this isn’t a nuanced view, but god it’s so nice to have a prime minister who isn’t a complete cunt.
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@WhenIsBirths
Hopefully that (or something equally fair) is how it’s done these days.
Is it though?
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This is very odd. James Whale and Tony Blackburn being annoyed by the existence of a paint museum.
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25 years ago tonight saw the debut of
@Baddiel
and Newman's 'History Today' on The Mary Whitehouse Experience. That's scary, that is.
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Is there anything more tiresome than middle-aged men who still feel duty-bound to announce their hatred of Phil Collins?
Relax, guys - it’s not 1985 any more. The cool kid in the New Order t-shirt isn’t going to tut at you in the common room.
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‘No, I’m sorry, I can’t accept it - Together in Electric Dreams was not technically a Human League single.’
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Looks like a 7” single this, doesn’t it? Like he’s released a novelty football song with Chas and Dave.
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Imagine having the money to launch your own TV channel, and then commissioning a current affairs show with Andrew Neil rather than repeating Rentaghost and The Innes Book of Records.
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Can I just say I’m not leaving Twitter?
I can make an ultra-niche joke about Alas Smith and Jones and about 14 people will like it. That’s enough for me. That gets me through the day.
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It’s so annoying when the kids wake up at 4am and demand their mechouia salad.
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@LehmannsGloves
@UpsonPhill
The flaw with the whole ‘picking teams’ system is that someone has to be picked last.
So it doesn’t really work as a metaphor for ‘everyone can be successful if they work hard’, even if you believe that.
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My Paul McCartney singles boxset has arrived. Particularly impressed with the gorgeous book.
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Anyone else wish Clive James was still around to do a wry sideways look at 2023?
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Q. How many Adam Curtises does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One. But it wasn't always this way.
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Save money on Record Store Day by painting one of your David Bowie albums turquoise and standing outside your house for three hours.
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Just putting the finishing touches to my ten-hour Neil Young and Joni Mitchell Spotify playlist. It’s been a real labour of love - can’t wait wait to hear what you all think.
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I see British Sign Language have invented a new gesture to interpret the current news.
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All BBC programmes are now officially signed off by a flirtatious Magnus Magnusson.
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After 25 years of being woken up by the Today programme (always horrible) I’ve switched to the Radio 3 breakfast show, and it’s a revelation.
I don’t even turn it off - I lie there dozing and let Bach drift in and out of my head. Such a nicer way to start the morning.
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My 18 year old work colleague got her A Level results today. I asked her if she’d opened ‘the envelope’.
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My god, why did I never notice this before? There are TWO DIFFERENT EDITS of the Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads? titles, giving both Bolam and Bewes star billing on alternate episodes...
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I was vaguely interested in seeing this Dennis Nilsen thing, and then I realised it would involve firing up ITV Hub.
I’m not saying it’s annoying to use, but frankly it would be easier to invent a time machine, go back to 1983 and visit him in prison for real.
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Just seen a New York YouTuber boasting that he’s given up alcohol after realising he drank four bottles of whisky, two bottles of gin and 31 bottles of wine ‘within the last year alone’.
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Message to people who use the terms 'Year 8', 'Year 9' etc in reference to school: no one over 40 knows what the fuck you're talking about.
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@Oloni
Because it’ll take time for most businesses to get up and running again. 21 June is just the date they can legally re-open.
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Remember when TV adverts used to be sharp and witty, with jokes? Rather than just a ponderously humourless love-live-laugh montage of ‘life moments’ accompanied by jaunty whistling and the eventual slogan ‘For all life throws at you, there’s Cuntface Bank’.
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Is GB News actually going to launch, or are they just randomly announcing the names of cunts?
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@CJPGolf
I think we know that though, don’t we? Not sure why we need pointless extra humiliation.
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The sad thing about the ‘anti-woke’ weirdos is that they can’t enjoy something without fantasising about ‘woke’ people not enjoying it.
This will be driving the
#Woke
brigade bonkers. What a spectacle for
#Britain
#PrincePhilipfuneral
🇬🇧
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Not sure why Captain Tom gets a 6pm Wednesday clap rather than an 8pm Thursday one. It’s like when they moved Top of the Pops.
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I love TV chefs, but it drives me insane when they do recipes ‘for when you want something quick and can’t be bothered to cook’.
On those occasions, you just have toast don’t you? Or Weetabix. Or go to the chip shop. You don’t get out all the pans and make ‘cheat’s linguine’.
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
SOMETHING THAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS ANYWAY
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
SLIGHTLY SOONER THAN THAT
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That Radio X 'Best British Song' list in full:
1. Wonderwall
2. Wonderwall (Live)
3. Wonderwall '98
4. Wonderwall (Demo)
5. Wonderwall (Instrumental)
6. Live and Let Die without the reggae bit
7. Wonderwall (Reprise)
8. Some hiss
9. Brexit
10. Death
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I knew there was an official name for men who talk loudly in pubs.
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30 years ago today: the debut of David Baddiel and Rob Newman’s History Today sketch on The Mary Whitehouse Experience.
My favourite TV costume fact: as Prof F.J. Lewis, Newman wore the same pin-striped trousers that John Le Mesurier had worn in Dad’s Army.
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A certain type of Beatles fan loves to pour scorn on the fact that Yoko attended the Get Back sessions, but they never mention George Harrison’s Hare Krishna mates who did exactly the same thing.
WHAT ON EARTH COULD BE THE REASON IT’S A COMPLETE MYSTERY
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Bring back national service, but only for people who think we should bring back national service.
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I hear Gavin Williamson’s car broke down earlier. He had to call the BB.
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Whatever happened to comedy sketch teams?
Four Oxbridge blokes and one woman, calling themselves The Blancmange Factor or The Divvies or something. A big hit at the Edinburgh fringe, then a Radio 4 series, then a transfer to television that didn’t quite work.
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Speaking as a half-educated tenement Scot myself, I find the most offensive thing about John Cleese is his fucking punctuation.
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Finally, a comedy-drama about posh people in London.
Hope they have loads of arguments in a massive kitchen.
Loved
#Motherland
? Watch out for new spin-off Amandaland, coming to
#iPlayer
&
@BBCOne
Amanda (Lucy Punch) is facing new challenges post divorce - and then there’s her mother, Felicity (Joanna Lumley). Thank God for Anne (Philippa Dunne).
Read more ➡️
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Appointing David Cameron reminds me of when you haven’t got any blu tack to put up a poster so you have to use little bits of blu tack from behind all the other posters.
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MAKE SITCOMS AND SKETCH SHOWS AGAIN
New Channel 4 programme
#SaveOurSperm
sees three celebs aim to increase their sperm count in 10 weeks. More details:
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I always wondered what happened to The Modern Parents from Viz.
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I continue to admire the audacity of this newsagent, refusing to change its window 17 years on.
Especially since the newspaper that awarded it to them no longer exists.
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Broadcast 31 years ago today, the TV pilot of The Mary Whitehouse Experience.
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What I like about this is the 'Now'. As if they've already tried the Jihadi Kinks.
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@consequencerisk
@soundslikecanoe
Also, why do you raise an eyebrow at both employment gaps AND short-term contracts? People do the latter to avoid the former, and the former to avoid the latter. They can’t win.
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The trouble with these ‘bring back bread’ and ‘corned beef of my childhood’ people is that they never talk about the stuff which has *actually* disappeared. They don’t mention libraries, TV sketch shows or Smash Hits.
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