Hot Little Mongoose
@HLMongoose
Followers
4,426
Following
1,434
Media
12,459
Statuses
84,802
Blocks early and often. Loves ⛄️, 🐕, 🧩️, 🍺, @DatelineNBC , #PS5 & #Peloton . #AdoptDontShop #FlyEaglesFly #Phillies
Probably on my Peloton
Joined February 2009
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
Chiefs
• 360550 Tweets
namjoon
• 317714 Tweets
Lamar
• 118766 Tweets
Adalet
• 103436 Tweets
Chester
• 74080 Tweets
For Asia
• 69655 Tweets
علي النبي
• 63715 Tweets
小泉進次郎
• 43568 Tweets
Hayırlı Cumalar
• 41909 Tweets
サブスク解禁
• 41801 Tweets
MUSINSA BEAUTY WITH KARINA
• 32796 Tweets
エイリアン
• 29814 Tweets
Engin Polat
• 27624 Tweets
#BAEKHYUN_PINEAPPLESLICE
• 27356 Tweets
PRETTY GIRL ERA MILKLOVE
• 26972 Tweets
小泉さん
• 24898 Tweets
#يوم_الجمعه
• 23935 Tweets
資さんうどん
• 22670 Tweets
TransisiSEJUK PRABOWOJKW
• 21980 Tweets
KitaKOMPAK KitaMENANG
• 21094 Tweets
知的レベル
• 20464 Tweets
KPLC
• 18797 Tweets
ちいかわ寿司
• 18677 Tweets
資さん買収
• 17391 Tweets
ベイマックス
• 13248 Tweets
Pinned Tweet
This is the best thing I’ve read in awhile.
3K
56K
268K
Second Chance Pet Adoption League (located in Morris Plains, NJ) doesn't appear to have a Twitter page, so here's their FB. Let's find Prancer a home!
61
981
7K
PRANCER HAS A HOME!
36
400
4K
Date: What do you do in your spare time?
*thinks to myself: don't mention Twitter, don't mention Twitter, don't mention Twitter*
Me: Read.
8
247
416
HE SAID SOME PEOPLE ARE WORTH MELTING FOR AND THEN GOT DOWN ON ONE KNEE. ⛄️❄️🇫🇮💍
#mongoosegoestofinland
84
5
499
*reads through own tweets*
*laughs at one with no stars*
*grumbles "That was gold, motherfuckers. Gold."*
8
214
383
Trending topics:
Betty White
Me: She better be ok!
Roseanne Barr
Me: What'd that bitch do now?
16
32
523
O: 911 what's ur emergency?
M: My iPod is trying to murder me.
O: Excuse me?
M: His songs...they're killing me. Softly.
O: *click*
M: Hello?
5
192
351
Twitter keeps suggesting I find my friends to follow.
I don't think Twitter knows why most of us are here.
3
188
283
Today, we've replaced the water in the coffee maker with vodka.
Let's see what happens.
7
123
246
Got my hair pulled when it got stuck in my automatic windows. Now we're dating.
6
128
255
Because i could buy early, i purchased a 4 ticket/person pod and a parking pass for Phillies Opening Day that I’d like to donate to a healthcare worker, essential worker, or “COVID has just really been kicking the shit out of my life” person.
Send nominations my way.
51
55
376
You can't "blame" the woman for being too drunk and then "excuse" the man's actions because he had one too many.
#brockturner
2
169
269
Telling me to have a good day as I'm leaving with wine is redundant, liquor store clerk.
2
93
173
Oh this season of Love is Blind is capital M Messy.
12
15
239
I will no doubt pay $250 for the
#PowerbeatsPro
when they drop.
Hell they can take my money NOW.
4
53
172
@mbevthereferee
@TraderJoesUnion
@JonesOnTheNBA
Says the guy RTing the Plandemic video. Convenient to drink the Koolaid that fits your fucked up narrative.
1
0
174
First rule of Crossfit is telling everyone you fucking know that you do Crossfit.
3
53
123
It’s so surreal that this football season kicked off with the draft in our fine city and now comes full circle to the Super Bowl.
#FlyEaglesFly
8
28
173
I smell sex and candy here.
...
Actually, just candy.
...
Fine, I'm eating Hershey kisses alone in bed.
Layoff.
2
49
123
Eyes are up here, fellas.
Oh man. I couldn't even type that with a straight face.
3
43
105
Someone called me ignorant for not having children at my wedding.
When more than half your per person cost is booze, it’s not ignorance. It’s economics.
Also kindly go fuck yourself.
31
7
179
*at CVS*
Me: I'm here to pick up my birth control.
Tech: That's $188.
M: *hands old iPhone 4*
T: Um.
M: Isn't that how this works now?
7
77
133
Hey guy with "Sorry no fat chicks" in your Match bio - how are you doing with all that pussy you must be swimming in?
3
30
97
500 condiment cups: $75
3 bottles of tequila: $100
1 bottle of Grand Marnier: $37
20 boxes of Jello: $20
Celebrating the home opener after the Super Bowl with some of my favorite people at the
@4thandJawn
tailgate? Priceless.
#flyeaglesfly
10
8
145
Another Prancer pupdate.🤗
1
16
166
Guys who don't kiss after getting a blowjob?
Get the fuck over yourselves.
4
26
85
No worries, log in the middle of the trail on my bike ride. I wasn't using my vagina anyways.
3
38
89
I tried explaining to my very not online husband that something i tweeted is trending and that went just about as well as you’d expect.
6
3
131
Sex so good you stopped to send a tweet telling the world about it.
Wait...
3
29
82
There's nothing wrong with doing tequila shots alone, right?
5
30
60
I poke myself just trying to line my eyelids, but sure. I could do this. 😂
8
18
86
I have my entire day planned around getting maple bacon chicken in a waffle cone and potato chip nachos for dinner.
19
2
113
I think the scariest thing I've seen in these
#ScaryStoriesIn5Words
is the number of people that can't count.
0
42
82
Hate GoT? Mute it.
Hate the Masters? Mute it.
Hate me talking about my wedding? Mute me.
But for god's sakes, stop bitching about what other people enjoy. If you hate it that much, just unfollow and stop being such a miserable fuck.
1
10
94
5 years ago I was on Tinder.
In 4 days I get married.
Go on the date.
Don't settle for trash.
Throw out the rules.
Build a pillow fort.
Play in the snow.
Dance.
Sleep in a tent.
Lay under the stars.
Kiss in the rain.
Laugh.
Cry.
Support.
Love.
Forever.
6
11
84
We’ve made the very difficult decision to have Minnie put down this Friday in the comfort of our home. I’m sharing today as we’ll be spending the week loving and spoiling her & want to focus on that.
Also to give context for what are sure to be a shitload of crying tweets.
50
1
100
I love the anticipation of a new day, pondering what inanimate object I'll inevitably say "fuck you" to in a few hours.
1
24
60
I'm telling my kids this was the President of the United States in 2019.
6
12
82
@girlgeek_rva
@heeliibo
@AITA_reddit
I don't know where you live that tree removal only costs $900. Around here, you're looking at a minimum of $3500. And the cost skyrockets from there based on its age and height. Just getting one of our trees trimmed is close to a grand.
0
0
77
So when Jesus rose from the dead, he threw chocolate bunnies at all of the non-believers?
Religion is hard, you guys.
6
22
49
My dad just called to thank me for buying him an Apple Watch for Christmas.
His doctor told him it may have saved his life.
7
1
67
Florida residents let George Zimmerman and Casey Anthony off.
Obviously, i have concerns.
1
14
73
I can’t say enough wonderful things about the
#eagleswomensfest
. What a fantastic event and fun day!
#flyeaglesfly
@Eagles
3
3
56
Maybe Philadelphia fans are just built different, but when one of our teams lose, we typically blame the team.
0
11
74
I was so excited to see my local Giant was going to start selling beer until they actually stocked the shelves.
Fucking Delco, man.
16
4
55
You know that guy from high school who was super hot but also wouldn't give you the time of day back then?
And now he's overweight and balding and just constantly talks about how great high school was to anyone who will listen?
He's the human version of the Cowboys.
5
11
55
Happy Phillies Opening Day for those who celebrate. 💙⚾️❤️
3
2
65
I GOT ONE DOSE VACCINE APPOINTMENTS FOR BOTH OF MY PARENTS! HAPPYFUCKINGFRIDAY!
4
0
68
I sent someone i interviewed last week a rejection email today. He actually *thanked me* because he said in the last two years, no one has ever followed up after the fact even when they said they would. It’s not that hard, people.
10
1
69
It’s easy to make friends at the brewery when you bring chicken.
2
1
58
Finally get
@nuclearcarly
to a tailgate, and she kills it dressed up as
@philatticus
.
@captbeardguy
8
6
67
My husband bought a bird feeder, and we ran out of seed.
This is how the revolt begins.
9
3
64
Sometimes i think I’m a mostly good person.
Other times i strive for this level of petty.
8
10
55
Trump is like that girl who gets dumped and then says her ex’s dick was small.
Honey, you had no issue riding it all this time. But now it’s an issue? Ok. 💅🏻
3
9
54
Man, i don’t even have a SoundCloud or Insta to promote. Thank fucking god i have my own chihuahua or else these new followers would be disappointed.
2
2
60
I know I’ve mentioned before that
@chewy
has amazing customer service, but seriously, if you aren’t using them for your pet supplies, you really must. What other company would send you sympathy flowers? 🥺
9
2
63
It’s the best day of the year. Our version of St. Pitty’s Day! Today, I’ll be using this as a thread of our day. The bar crawl typically helps raise money for
@Providence_AC
, so for every like this tweet gets, we’ll donate $1 to PAC (up to $1000).
5
0
63
Even though he isn’t on Twitter, I’d be remiss to not wish ⛄️ a happy birthday. My partner in everything. My team mate. My best friend. ❤️
15
0
63
I JUST SAW THE RED WEDDING FOR THE FIRST TIME AND I AM NOT OK.
18
1
58
It’s not that i don’t trust the CDC; i just don’t trust other people.
1
7
58
Hump day?
*finger guns* *winky face*
S'up, fellas.
*trips over keyboard cord*
3
15
41