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@GingerHotDish
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@MomOnFire is my people. #FuckCancer Recent tweets👉🏻
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Pinned Tweet
Like my granny always said, never let your man leave the house horny or hungry because there’s always a whore with a sandwich.
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My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
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Why is Gen X trending? Please for the love of god, go back to ignoring us. K, thanks. Bye.
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My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
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He said he wanted a nerd girl but when I started talking astrophysics I realized he wanted a mute girl in a naughty librarian costume.
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A priest called me a sick fuck at confession today, where do I go from here?
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Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
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Betty White deserves better than to inherit this mess when we die.
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Alexander the Great is what happens when men get to name themselves.
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I’m officially an empty nester. My kids are both grown and have moved out. What now?
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Anyone know when the new season of Pornhub starts? I’m finally all caught up.
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If one more of my daughter’s friends ask me what it was like living in the late 1900’s I’m gonna sleep with their dad.
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My mom got her pathology report today and it wasn’t cancer, so I’m gonna go hug my kids. Be good to each other.
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I’m sorry you saw me shove 4 corndogs in my mouth and now you’re in love.
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I'm sorry I drew tear drop tattoos on your baby's face, but at least now the other babies know not to fuck with him.
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May the first person you kiss after the New Year be the one you’re with all year... unless it’s your spouse, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
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I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
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My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
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My titties fell out of my tank today while I was sleeping. Most awkward zoom meeting ever.
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I need coffee so dark that it whispers “life is meaningless” to me as I sip it.
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Never ask your teenager how you look today, unless you’re prepared for them to say shit like “you look Amish” or “you look like you sell essential oils and don’t vaccinate your kids”
Wow, thanks.
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Pay attention to how someone treats you when they are mad at you.
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This bitch next to me keeps giving me side eye.
Wait. Cancel that... it’s a mirror.
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My only regret when I die will be that I waited so long to live.
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Some cunt brought donuts to work today and ruined my no carb diet.
Ok, it was me but still... cunt.
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{On the phone with my mom}
Me: What’s your secret to 55 years of marriage?
Mom: We never hated each other on the same day.
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I gave my daughter great advice earlier… I mean, it was the lyrics to a Kenny Rogers song but she doesn’t know that.
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My daughter just told me that I smell like happiness...
is it weird that it made me cry?
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The best part of the 90’s was definitely that you could forget people existed the moment you left school/work because you didn’t carry them in your pocket all day, you know?
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You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
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Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he's just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
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A friend that loves you harder on the days you can’t love yourself is called a keeper.
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Apparently, 14 & 17 is “too old” to drop off at a Fire Station.
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Something good is happening in my life, and it’s terrifying to be this hopeful.
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Which date do you mention you have a husband and kids, 2nd or 3rd?
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My mom said I could be whatever I wanted when I grew up, so I became a huge disappointment.
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Left over lasagna, fresh garlic bread and wine. Anyone wanna come over?
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Being single at an age where you can date younger than you, your age group or their dad’s age group is a wild ride.
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Relationship status:
My vibrator just told me it has a headache.
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I will gut you and wear you for warmth.
-Me flirting in winter
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My 14 year old daughter just said that her happy place is anywhere I am, so all activities tonight are being replaced with ugly crying.
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I once texted a friend that I didn’t want to be alive anymore and they left me on read for 3 days, so yeah… I appreciate when someone is there for me like I’m there for them.
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He catches you bathing in goat blood once, and suddenly you’re “unstable” and “need therapy”
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Hold tighter, laugh harder, kiss longer and tell them you love them every chance you get while you still can.
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A stranger got on the elevator while I was baby talking my dog and I continued but made eye contact with the stranger… anyway, I think we are dating now.
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I went out and got drunk because I forgot it’s not Friday. Fuck my life and goodnight.
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Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
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I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now... how long does the flu normally last?
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My stripper name is: "Bitch, put your clothes back on!"...apparently
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I’d rather be friends with someone who knows they’re an insufferable asshole, than someone who fakes being nice.
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My dog is curled up in the cup of my bra sleeping, but don’t get excited… it’s a small dog.
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My college boyfriend found me on Facebook today and messaged. LOL
Not today Satan!
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Sex is great and all, but have you ever found the cool side of your pillow in the middle of a hot night?
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What makes Twitter better than Facebook?
1. My moms not on it.
2.My moms not on it.
3.My moms not on it.
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If you want a girl who’ll burn your house down, but then bake you a pie to apologize... I’m probably your soulmate.
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I sold my house after 3 days of it being on the market. I am drunk with power.
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I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house...
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
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20 year old me: Puts legs behind head for better access during sex.
42 year old me: Throws out my back masturbating.
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[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
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My daughter just informed me that she started a cult at school and has 8 members already.
Ffs, let me have my coffee first.
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Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably... Saskatchewan
Them: ...
Me: or Worcestershire
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Me: I give up.
Also Me: Let me try 275 more times just in case.
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I refuse to believe that the plural form of octopus isn’t octopussies.
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Depression doesn’t care how good things appear on the outside.
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My mom said I’d never amount to anything, but here I am… a reply girl on the internet.
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Small twitter accounts are the real heroes.
Not to mention some of the funniest, honest and most original.
That's it. That's the tweet.
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I’ll sit and hold your hand in the dark when you’re sad, even if you never hold mine.
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You stopped chasing her after you got her? LOL Good luck with that, buddy.
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Some of you have never had the satisfaction of slamming a phone down to hang up on a bitch, and it shows.
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If I buy a Lincoln, will Matthew McConaughey shut the fuck up?
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Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
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Not to brag but someone just followed me, un-followed me and blocked me, all in 35 seconds.
*Wins Twitter*
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I’m devastated at the news of
@SomeKimberly
passing. She was a bright light in a dark place. I will miss you, my friend.
#FuckCancer
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Them: What would you do if you won the lottery?
Me: Take a nap.
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I’ve got 99 problems, but 98 of them can be solved by coffee and masturbation.
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He’s sick, so of course I sent him nudes to make him feel better.
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