Frasier D&D
@FrasierDnD
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Tell me how you want to do this. I’m listening. (CREATOR: @Bencompetence ) (LIVESTREAM: ) (CONTACT: Bencompetence @gmail .com)
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FRASIER: “The orcs raise their axes high and demand blood.”
NILES: “… I tell them I’m not here.”
FRASIER: “I’m sorry?”
NILES: “I argue that, philosophically, they cannot trust their own senses about me.“
FRASIER: “It’s a bit bold to place Descartes before the orcs, Niles.”
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FRASIER: “And so, learning the ruin’s secrets, you head home.”
MARTIN: “Wait, that’s it? Where’s the treasure?”
FRASIER: “Dad, please. You just had an incredible adventure. Are you really going to sully it over imaginary gold?”
MARTIN: “You bet your real ass, I am! It’s mine!”
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FRASIER: “Roz, I’m sorry. To cast a revive spell, you need 300 gold’s worth of diamonds. That’s only 50 gold’s worth.”
ROZ: “Who the hell gets to decide that!? Here. Martin, how much would you pay for these diamonds?”
MARTIN: “Say, those are real nice! Would 300 gold cover it?”
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[As an experimental approach, please enjoy this long form moment]
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ROZ: "And what's wrong with playing a Warlock?"
NILES: "It's just a tad self-deprecating. Choosing to be subservient to the one who gave you power is-"
[NILES' PAGER BEEPS. HE CHECKS IT]
NILES: "Frasier, may I use your phone? Maris needs me to argue with our gardener, Yoshi."
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NILES: "To hell with it. I'm rolling to reason with the Sanguine Enchantress!"
ROZ: "Niles, are you crazy!? With your charisma score, you'd need a 20 just to not die!"
NILES [LOOSENING TIE]: "Roz, those are better odds than the Crane Boys have ever had with women before!"
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NILES: “Well, that’s absurd.”
FRASIER: “I’m sorry, Niles, but your Barbarian’s Rage is all tapped out for this day.”
NILE: “Just my luck. A whole fantasy world full of demons, fiends, and monstrosities… and me with the one Barbarian who remembers his deep breathing exercises.”
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NILES: “All I’m asking is one session as my homebrew class.”
FRASIER: “Niles, this so-called Analyst concept isn’t even cohesive. Why would a student of psychology know counterattacks and spells like Wall of Force?”
NILES: “Because he understands deflection and projection.”
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NILES: “Last night’s session was truly incredible!”
FRASIER: “Well, Niles, I’m glad to hear it.”
NILES: “And I mean it. Playing a Barbarian? Being rough and rowdy? The experience was invigorating; makes me want to throw caution to the wind. Barista, one coffee… black!”
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[NILES WAVES THE PAPER ANGRILY]
NILES: "The only reason we're losing this fight is that you wrote a page of new minotaur abilities!"
FRASIER: "I knew it! I knew you peeked at my notes between sessions."
NILES: "As if I needed to! I can recognize your bull sheet a mile away!"
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FRASIER: “I forgot that the value of a narrative is determined by the quality of the loot.”
[MARTIN ROLLS HIS EYES]
FRASIER: “Therein lies the true tragedy of Romeo & Juliet: That she only dropped one non-magical dagger.”
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FRASIER: “Isn’t this exciting, dad? You’ve mastered the basics, earned some victories, and now leveling up allows you access to fresh possibilities!”
MARTIN: “You know, it takes a special kind of person to think that the reward for learning rules is having to learn more rules.”
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FRASIER: “Niles, a Barbarian is a fine choice, but I must ask: Do you feel up to the challenge of embodying such a wellspring of rage?”
NILES: “Do you recall when that waiter said they were out of Chateau Lafite ‘96 and suggest a La Créma?”
FRASIER: “Regrettably, point made.”
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[NILES OPENS THE GIFT BOX]
NILES: “New dice for our games! Thank you, Frasier. You know, I’m not prone to superstition, but one can’t help but hope these are luckier than the last-“
[NILES ROLLS THE DICE AND STARES AT THEM]
NILES: “Ah, well. There’s always next year.”
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FRASIER: “Oh, just a peek. I’ve long wished for dad to be this excited about one of our hobbies.”
[HE OPENS THE DELIVERY. THE ARTWORK IS UNMISTAKABLY MARTIN, SHIRTLESS, WITH FLOWING HAIR, HOLDING A SWORD]
NILES: “On the bright side, your monkey’s paw has two more uses left.”
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[END CREDITS MUSIC PLAYS]
[FRASIER LIFTS UP PAPERS ON THE TABLE, SEARCHING UNDER THEM IN FRUSTRATION]
[HE STOPS AND VIEWS THE WHOLE ROOM, BEWILDERED]
[HE KNEELS AND LOOKS UNDERNEATH THE TABLE]
[HE STANDS AND EXITS]
[CAMERA PANS TO EDDIE, HAPPILY HOLDING THE DIE IN HIS MOUTH]
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DAPHNE: “I’m really quite impressed with you, Roz! Finally learning the names of all the characters.”
ROZ: “Well, it’s not like I had a choice. Frasier here said he’d increase the armor of anyone I forgot.”
FRASIER: “One does what one must for the sake of verisimilitude.”
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FRASIER: “I’m so glad you joined us again, Niles. After the loss of Graknokur, I thought you’d take a break.”
NILES: “While it stung at first, I am back with more character than ever. Take a look!”
[HE HANDS FRASIER A PAPER]
FRASIER: “… Gräknokur?”
NILES: “Note the umlaut.”
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BULLDOG: “Nah, Doc. I’m serious. Look, I wrote up my character’s stats and everything.”
[HE HANDS FRASIER A PAPER]
FRASIER: “Well, far be it from me to say ‘No’ to an adventurer. Let’s- Bulldog, what are these?”
BULLDOG: “They’re stats, look: 38, 25, 37. Bam.”
FRASIER: “No.”
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[ROZ AND MARTIN SMUGLY SMILE AT FRASIER. HE STARES ANGRILY]
FRASIER: “… A nearby gnome sees you holding the diamonds and offers you 12 Gold for them.”
[A LOUD ARGUMENT ERUPTS AT THE TABLE]
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NILES: “I stayed up all last night making a list of every item to buy. Every torch, every arrow. I even learned what a ‘piton’ is.”
FRASIER: “Did you calculate whether you can carry all that?”
[NILES PAUSES]
NILES: “You know, Frasier, if you intend to scrutinize every detail-“
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FRASIER: “How dare you have such flagrant disregard for my campaign!? I bared my entire soul with this setting!”
NILES: “Oh, spare me! My support group for pathological liars yields better worldbuilding than this dreck.”
FRASIER: “Get Out!”
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ROZ: "I cannot believe you didn't say my character's been flirting with a goblin!"
FRASIER: "I introduced him as a goblin!"
ROZ: "Well, I clearly didn't hear you!"
FRASIER: "Then you might have hazarded a guess when you asked if he wanted kids and he said he'd already eaten!"
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[NILES ENTERS FROM FRASIER’S BALCONY. HIS JACKET IS OFF. HIS TIE IS LOOSE. HE IS EXHAUSTED]
[NILES POURS AND DRINKS A GLASS OF WATER]
MARTIN [READING NEWSPAPER]: “You boys settle on more realistic Grappling rules yet?”
NILES: “Nearly there!”
[NILES STORMS BACK TO THE BALCONY]
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NILES: “Legendary Actions!? This game is unbelievable. Your villain gets to act however he pleases, yet you have the gall to make me sit and wait my turn before I can even begin to unleash my Rage.”
MARTIN: “Doesn’t look like that stopped you from getting a head start.”
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MARTIN: “Why the hell’d you shoot the guard? You said you were going to use your charisma!”
ROZ: “My spells are fueled by my charisma score!”
MARTIN: “You couldn’t use it for a trick or something!?”
ROZ: “I did! I used it to trick you into letting me kill him!”
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[SCENE OPENS AT NIGHT. PHONE IS RINGING. FRASIER ENTERS, ANGRILY TYING HIS ROBE. HE PICKS UP THE PHONE.]
FRASIER: “What now? …Yes, I accounted for partial cover. And your character’s rage. Oh, just accept your death with a bit of decorum, Niles. Some of us are trying to sleep!”
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NILES: "It's such a shame that Maris can't make it. She was so excited! She already filled out a character sheet."
FRASIER: "Well, would you like at that! But say Niles? Her Constitution score is blank."
NILES: "Yes, poor thing tired herself out writing all the other numbers."
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FRASIER: “So, Delores, if your GM says faeries are stronger than orcs, then it is true in their story. Thanks for calling… I would now encourage my listeners, in their boundless imaginations, to imagine a world where people call a psychiatry show to actually discuss psychiatry”
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NILES: "Hello! And may I be so Kobold as to say I am excited for tonight?"
FRASIER: "Why, I'd be a Ghast if you weren't!"
NILES: "I apologize if these puns Bug. Bear with me."
FRASIER: "Oh, it's Owlin good fun."
NILES: "A bit unfair to deviate from the core books, isn't it?"
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NILES: “I still say it was ridiculous and petty to describe my character’s actions so buffoonishly, simply because I rolled a one!”
[DAPHNE ENTERS]
FRASIER: “Would you lighten up, Niles? I think you’ll survive a single critical miss.”
DAPHNE: “Oh, is Lilith coming to visit?”
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FRASIER: “I’ll remind everyone that this is a show about psychiatry, not games… On to our next call. Hello! You’re on the air with Frasier Crane.”
CALLER: “Hi, Doctor Crane. It’s about my boss.”
FRASIER: “Yes! Good! And what’s your boss’s name?”
CALLER: “Alari Blooddrinker.”
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FRASIER: “Pathfinder. [SCOFFS] As if the one thing a game of collaborative storytelling needs is more complexity.”
NILES: “Agreed.”
FRASIER: “Then again… would this not imply that our approach is pedestrian? Perhaps even… basic?”
NILES: “Now there’s a mortifying thought.”
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[[We’d like to take a moment to extend our sympathies to Wizards of the Coast employees whose jobs were indecently and grotesquely cut by Hasbro during the holiday season.
Your work has brought so many of us together. We see you. We are grateful for you.]]
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[FRASIER AND NILES OPEN BOXES OF PEWTER FIGURINES, SHOWING THEM TO ONE ANOTHER]
MARTIN: “You boys are really lucky. Somehow, the definition of cool shifted and now all this tabletop crap is in.”
NILES: “Yes, it’s called the Hobbiton Window and we’re grateful for it every day.”
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FRASIER: “For God’s sakes, Roz. You can’t use Eldritch Blast as your solution to every problem.”
ROZ [ROLLING DIE]: “Not every problem, just the ones that can die.”
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FRASIER: “Shall we begin?”
ROZ: “One sec.”
[ROZ ROLLS DIFFERENT DICE, ONE AT A TIME]
ROZ: “Nope. Nuh-uh. No way. Oh! Now that’s what mama likes! Ready.”
FRASIER: ”You’re quite mad, aren’t you?”
DAPHNE: “I’ll say. All that work and she chooses the die with the worst aura.”
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NILES: “Look what arrived today! 1st Edition.”
FRASIER: “Cyberpunk? The dystopian future wherein the very technology meant to unite us has only driven us further apart. Where decadent Haves live at the expense of the Have Nots.”
NILES: “I outbid eight people online to get it!”
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MARTIN: “Now, if we’re gonna catch this lady, we gotta think like her. So think. What does she want?”
NILES: “Judging by her damaging childhood and extreme asceticism, my theory would be an outlet to process her Type 2 trauma.”
NILES: “Also, the Crimson Orb of Divine Agony.”
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ROZ: “I lean deeply over the counter and say in a sultry voice: ‘Are you sure there isn’t any way we can earn a discount for these items?’”
[FRASIER ROLLS A DIE]
FRASIER: “The shopkeep remains stoic and unimpressed.”
ROZ [FLATLY]: “Okay, screw it. Eldritch Blast.”
[SHE ROLLS]
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FRASIER: “And you’re absolutely sure you want the name for your Bloodaxe to be Nietzsche’s Testimony?”
NILES: “I have big plans for Level 20.”
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ROZ: “Thanks a lot, Niles. You just wasted all our gold! What will your Barbarian even do with a wand that can create musical instruments on demand?”
NILES: “Let’s find out. Frasier, may I ask for a ruling regarding Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture?”
[FRASIER’S EYES WIDEN IN HORROR]
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FRASIER: "How dare you! Not only do I strive to hone my craft each and every week, I do so while having to navigate your labyrinth of asininity!"
NILES: "Oh, please. With your level of world building and rules mastery, you aren't fit to DM a game of UNO!"
FRASIER: "Get out!"
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MARTIN: “Okay, so I go into the tavern and I say ‘Hey, Barkeep. You got any quests for us?’”
FRASIER: “Come now, dad. Where’s your theatricality? Your bombastic? I beg you, try that again with some aplomb.”
MARTIN: “Hey, Barkeep. You got any quests for us? Hark. Verily.”
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FRASIER: "You want to go south, are you sure? Northward is the city of Calliopin. You'll get to see its wondrous market places and awe-inspiring halls of worship. You'll get to see Novikov the Fourth's master plan."
NILES: "Yes, but if we go south, I get to see you improvise."
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NILES: “I’ve heard this module is popular. The Curse of Strahd. And look, he drinks a Red right on the cover.”
FRASIER: “Yes, let’s explore the tragedy of a man who is doomed to an eternity of pining for a woman just out of reach.”
NILES: “…I believe you had your own setting?”
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[FRASIER SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND TURNS TO LEAVE. MOMENTS LATER, IT RINGS AGAIN. FRASIER ANSWERS]
FRASIER: “What else could you possibly have to grovel with-… Oh. Oh yes, I suppose you were an Orc. And Orcs can endure deadly blows. I see... One moment, I’ll put some coffee on.”
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NILES: “Why this abrupt interest in both Dungeons and Dragons in the first place?”
FRASIER: “Well, Frederick has taken a liking to it and I thought it could be a way for us to bond.”
NILES: “Couldn’t you show him one of your childhood games? Perhaps competitive calligraphy?”
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FRASIER: “As Christmas is so close to game night, I was hoping you would all indulge me in a special holiday one-shot. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”
NILES: “Frasier, we just finished your Halloween one-shot last week.”
FRASIER: “It’s hardly my fault you kept fleeing the Hags.”
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NILES: "Now, Frasier, I think that Roz's feelings are perfectly reasonable. You should see to making things right."
ROZ: "Thank you, Niles."
NILES: "I mean, if Roz has finally decided to raise her standards for dating, then we should do everything we can to be supportive."
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[FRASIER PICKS UP HIS BRIEFCASE AND LEAVES THE OFFICE]
BULLDOG (SHOUTING): “Do you at least want to see my character’s picture?”
FRASIER (OFF-CAMERA): “No, thank you!”
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FRASIER: “You have no respect for the story I’m creating! I spent sleepless nights adding detail and nuance, only for you to upend everything with your maladroit chicanery!”
NILES: “Oh, spare me. I’ve seen better worldbuilding in a child’s Lego set!”
FRASIER: “How dare you.”
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NILES: “I don’t see why you won’t let me roll intimidation. I’m a Barbarian. A terrifying brute! Also, I asked nicely.”
FRASIER: “For one thing, you’re disarmed. For another, you’re surrounded. For a third, you’re bound and gagged.”
NILES: “All right, with Disadvantage, then.”
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FRASIER: “Niles! Do come in. I was hoping that tonight we could discuss the adventure known as: Rime of the Frostmaiden.”
NILES: “Oh, you didn’t say Lilith would be joining the party.”
MARTIN: “That’s what I said!”
[FRASIER STANDS SILENTLY AS NILES CROSSES TO HIGH-FIVE MARTIN]
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[END CREDITS MUSIC PLAYS]
[DAPHNE IS TIDYING UP THE LIVING ROOM]
[MARTIN IS PAINTING HIS TABLETOP FIGURINE WITH SEEMINGLY LITTLE INTEREST]
[DAPHNE LEAVES ROOM]
[MARTIN WATCHES HER LEAVE. HE THEN EXCITEDLY TALKS TO HIS FIGURINE]
[DAPHNE RETURNS]
[MARTIN RESUMES PAINTING]
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NILES: “I think it’s fair to argue that this Investigation DC is a bit high. Ciphers shouldn’t be that hard for someone with an Ivy League education.”
FRASIER: “Yes, but your Barbarian most certainly did not go to Yale; they have an Intelligence of 9.”
NILES: “Cornell, then.”
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FRASIER: “This new so-called ‘Open Game License’ is a farce! I understand wanting to protect one’s brand, but to be so controlling while also lacking the self-awareness needed to- For the last time, dad, those coasters are only for dinner parties. These are the casual coasters.”
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FRASIER: "Dad, I asked you to fill in the section on character flaws and you wrote 'Bald'!"
MARTIN: "What? It's relatable! He's very sensitive about it."
FRASIER: "Yes, how many of Shakespeare's great character studies would have ended differently in the age of Rogaine..."
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FRASIER: “It’s a shame Maris won’t be joining us.”
NILES: “Agreed. And she had a Warlock all ready to go.”
FRASIER: “Really?”
NILES: “Specifically with a Fiend Patron: Mammon the Merchant of the Nine Hells. It seems Maris’s power fantasy was to come from even older money.”
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DAPHNE: “If we need this man to talk, I’m not taking any chances. I’m casting Entangle to bind him up by his wrists. Then, I’m pointing my Shillelagh at him and saying ‘You’re not leaving until I get what I want.’”
NILES [STANDING]: “If you’ll excuse me-“
FRASIER: “Niles. Sit.”
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FRASIER: “I couldn’t help but overhear that you play Dungeons And Dragons. I myself have become quite taken with the game as of late.”
WOMAN [Brightly]: “Really?”
FRASIER: “Yes! I mostly host, but I do have a Level 3 Wizard whom-“
WOMAN [Disappointed]: “Only 3?”
[HE SPUTTERS]
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NILES: “With all these new stipulations and caveats, you’d think they’d call it the ‘Closed Game License’”
[HE SMILES AT DAPHNE, WHO POLITELY NODS]
FRASIER: “There. Now that you’ve tried that one with six different people, can you please just let it die?”
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DAPHNE: "Oh, I should take some healing spells, should I? And here I was, using me imagination to create a warrior queen. When in reality, I could have been preoccupying myself with the healthcare needs of the Crane men. Now doesn't that just sound like a nice bit of escapism?"
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NILES: “Reviewing this map, I must say it’s a little on the nose to call the place next to deep waters Waterdeep.”
FRASIER: “Well-“
NILES: “Oh, and the city in the tundra is named Icewind. Do you suppose they’re called the Forgotten Realms because someone forgot to name them?”
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FRASIER: “Niles, listen to this: Pathfinder allows players 3 actions per turn, to be used as they wish.”
NILES: “I knew it! And me with the mere crumbs of just one. My poor Barbarian’s Action Economy has been so destitute, I half expected Roosevelt to offer reprieve. No more!”
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NILES: “Fine, I’ll get the die.”
[NILES CRAWLS UNDER THE TABLE]
[NILES YELPS]
FRASIER: “What is it!? Are you hurt?”
NILES: “That depends. When a die rolls off the table, do we play it as it lands or reroll?”
FRASIER: “As it lands, of course.”
NILES: “Then I stubbed my toe.”
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NILES: “Those are my natural ability scores! I’m telling you I rolled those.”
FRASIER: “I’m telling you I don’t believe you.”
NILES: “I cannot believe you don’t believe me!”
FRASIER: “Oh, spare me. I don’t believe that disbelief for a second!”
NILES: “You’re unbelievable!”
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ROZ: “These Minotaurs are a buncha bull! Martin, don’t. All I’m saying is that I shouldn’t be knocked prone just because I failed one measly strength roll.”
NILES: “Oh, I think that’s reasonable. In real life, getting you on your back takes a charisma check of 5 with advantage.”
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FRASIER: "-The fact remains that it is my table. Anyone who dislikes my rulings is free to leave!"
[FADE OUT]
[FADE IN. FRASIER SITS AT TABLE, DEJECTED. CAMERA PANS TO REVEAL ONLY EDDIE SITTING OPPSITE]
FRASIER: "I don't suppose you have a character?"
[EDDIE LOWERS HIS HEAD]
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FRASIER: “And Niles, what’s your initiative?”
NILES: “Clean energy and more funding for the arts.”
[THE TWO CHUCKLE]
MARTIN: “Do you think it’s still funny the eighth time or is it just a compulsion at this point?”
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MARTIN: "No, I'm comfortable right where I am."
FRASIER: "Dad, please just come sit at the table so we can begin."
MARTIN: "God help the guy the can imagine a world of elves and wizards but can't make believe his old man is sitting ten feet to the left."
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FRASIER: “Welcome aboard, Daphne! Now, we’re all learning the game together, so feel free to ask questions.”
DAPHNE: “Just one. Is it cheating if I don’t ask for hints but I get visions of the answers, anyway?”
FRASIER: “Mr. Jeremy Crawford may have failed to address that one.”
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FRASIER: “And lastly, I would like to take a moment and apologize to our listeners in the roleplaying community. It was ignorance to suggest all editions of Dungeons and Dragons are more or less the same. I can only ask for your forgiveness… and that you take down that website.”
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FRASIER: “Really, dad? You want me to apologize on-air to these pedants? You always taught me to stand up to bullies.”
MARTIN: “And I’m very proud of that. But these aren’t bullies. They’re nerds. Nerds who spend all day studying battle maps. Things can get real ugly real fast.”
FRASIER: “And lastly, I would like to take a moment and apologize to our listeners in the roleplaying community. It was ignorance to suggest all editions of Dungeons and Dragons are more or less the same. I can only ask for your forgiveness… and that you take down that website.”
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FRASIER: "I encourage creativity! I applaud it. But I draw the line firmly at your Barbarian hurling Dad's character, sword pointed at the enemy."
NILES: "Yes, but you haven't heard our justification."
FRASIER: "And that would be-?"
NILES: "It's our Fighter Flight response."
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FRASIER: “Very well. You win, Seattle! I’m a Harvard Educated Psychiatrist, but if all you can talk about is D&D? The let’s talk D&D. Caller, you’re on the air.”
CALLER: “Hi, Dr. Crane. I have this fear of horses that-“
FRASIER: “Not today you don’t, lady.”
[HE ENDS THE CALL]
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[END CREDITS MUSIC PLAYS]
[DAPHNE ROLLS A DIE AND THE GROUP CHEERS ITS RESULT]
[FRASIER NODS TO DAPHNE. SHE STANDS AND BEGINS PANTOMIMING AN ATTACK]
[HER PANTOMIME TURNS HORRIFICALLY VIOLENT. THE GROUP’S SMILES FADE]
[DAPHNE MIMES SPITTING ON A BODY. SHE CHEERILY SITS DOWN]
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MARTIN: "Daphne, what is all this? My clothes are clean but you dumped them all over my bed, look. They aren't even folded!"
DAPHNE: "Oh, did I? Well... It's what my character would do."
[SHE EXITS]
MARTIN [THINKING OUTLOUD]: "You kick open one lousy door without checking..."
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DAPHNE: “Dr. Crane!”
ROZ: “It’s fine, Daphne. I’m just impressed he passed the History check he needed to remember what sex is in the first place.”
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NILES: “This is absurd! You maintain my Barbarian can swing his axe a mere twice in six seconds!?”
FRASIER: “The time is relative, you pedant!”
MARTIN: “Frasier’s right.”
NILES: “Oh, really!?”
MARTIN: “Yeah, this argument’s only gone on ten minutes but it feels like a year.”
1
17
255
FRASIER: “The man smirks as he says ‘For you see, I’m not Novikov the Fifth, but Novikov the Fourth.’”
[NO REACTION]
FRASIER: “The fourth? Of the missing bloodline? Novikov the- honestly, how do you expect to have a fun casual game night if you won’t do the assigned reading!?”
0
21
255
ROZ: “I’m running low on spells here… is it still possible to try and seduce him?”
FRASIER: “Well, let’s see. You’ve broken into his lair, stolen the Agony Crown, and slain his wife.”
ROZ: “Give me Disadvantage, then. God knows I’ve come back from worse. Besides, he’s single.”
0
17
253
BULLDOG: “No, no, Doc. You got this all wrong. You wanna scare your players? Put your berserker here, the magic broad here, and let the archers ambush from this balcony.”
[FRASIER STARES, SPEECHLESS]
BULLDOG: “What the hell do you think football formations are? Try to keep up.”
0
26
245
[ELEVATOR CLOSES]
ELDERLY NEIGHBOR: "Your brother was shouting about a knife last night! More of your make believe games?"
FRASIER: "Oh, yes. My sincere apologies."
NEIGHBOR: "And you threatened to wring his neck!"
FRASIER: "Well, Niles does keep neglecting to use a coaster."
1
12
245
MARTIN: “Why do we need another damn rulebook!? Is the whole point of this game just to be pedantic?”
[SIMULTANEOUSLY]
FRASIER: “Of course not!”
NILES: “Well, it depends on your definition of pedantic.”
1
25
241
FRASIER: “He pulls back his hood, revealing the face of the very man who has been haunting your journey. He sneers and says-“
ROZ: “I Eldritch Blast him.”
FRASIER: “Are you sure? Don’t you at least want to know why he did all of this?”
ROZ: “Why, would that give me advantage?”
2
15
242
[Please enjoy this Twitter’s sister project,
@parksandrecdnd
, made by the same writer. 🐴🕯️]
1
18
232
FRASIER: “Calling it ‘Nerd football’ is a bit of a misnomer, don’t you think?”
BULLDOG: “Not really. Buncha people yelling about their team getting big numbers. Guys smashing into each other. Arguing. Pretzels. What’s different?”
FRASIER: “… It’s a charcuterie board, for one.”
0
25
224
FRASIER: "No, Niles, I'm sure the villain's blow lands. I've calculated your dexterity modifier, as well as your constitution modifier. The sword strikes true."
NILES: "Ah, but you're forgetting one crucial factor."
FRASIER: "And that is?"
NILES: [SHOUTING] "He's my baby boy!"
0
12
222
NILES: “I finish him with my axe!”
FRASER: “Coup de grâce!”
NILES: “I roar with rage!”
FRASIER: “Free the beast!”
NILES: “What Tatyana did to Onegin’s heart in the 3rd act of Eugene Onegin is what I do this man!”
FRASIER: “Good god, man! Show some mercy!”
NILES: “Never!”
2
29
213
FRASIER: “It says here that there is a creature called the Abyssal Chicken.”
NILES: “The what!?”
[DAPHNE ENTERS FROM FRONT DOOR]
FRASIER: “Just what I said: Abyssal Chicken!”
DAPHNE: “Well, I’m sorry if it’s not good enough for your oh so fancy palate, but I do my very best!”
1
16
212
MARTIN: “Ah geeze, another natural one. Eddie!”
[MARTIN THROWS THE DIE OVER HIS SHOULDER]
[EDDIE JUMPS TO CATCH THE DIE AND SCAMPERS OFF]
FRASIER: “Dad, you can’t keep doing that. They are a choking hazard!”
MARTIN: “Relax, he collects ‘em.”
0
6
212
NILES: “Now, Frasier, I don’t much care for Bulldog’s antics either. But isn’t calling his character outright bad what they refer to as ‘Gatekeeping’?”
FRASIER: “If it’s Gatekeeping to exclude High Elf Vicki of the Lust Islands, then I will personally man the Brandenburg.”
0
15
207
NILES: "Say, Frasier. About this new sourcebook. Do you suppose that, with the multiverse as vast as it is, there's a reality where the monsters we face are balanced?"
FRASIER: "It was one fight, and forgive me for trying to add a little homebrew originality to our game nights."
0
22
199
[NILES IS SILENT AS FRASIER DRIVES. BOTH ARE CLEARLY ANGRY]
Niles: "I still say that if I have blindsight, it should negate the disadvantage from Invisibility-"
Frasier: "ENOUGH!"
Niles: "Oh, it's not as if we can get kicked out of Ms. Lindwell's dinner party a second time."
2
30
198
NILES: "I thought about ordering my miniature pre-painted, but then I decided to continue really diving into this new endeavor. After all, things like this are so much more meaningful when done by hand. That's why I'm personally overseeing Silvio's painting of my Barbarian."
0
12
195
FRASIER: “Niles, you insidious creature! I can not believe you got my invitation to Mrs. Cranston’s fundraiser revoked. And for what? So I’m free to DM!?”
NILES: “You ended the last session with my Barbarian in Death Saves. Scheduling conflicts may arise, but have some decency!”
0
11
186
FRASIER: “Say, Niles. Given your interests, I expected a more nuanced character class.”
NILES: “Well, I did consider Bard. A performer. His college training used to bamboozle people for profit and glory. Alas, the Sword Coast lacks so much as one radio station, so here we are!”
1
12
182
FRASIER: "And what is wrong with my villain?"
NILES: "I'd rather not."
FRASIER: "Oh, come now."
NILES: "It's just... an Illithid? An arrogant thing, twisting the thoughts of the masses? Why not just give him a 30 second spot for car insurance and drop the pretense entirely?"
2
15
186