Evan Thomas
@EvanDerekThomas
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6,340
Following
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3,607
Statuses
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Pinned Tweet
Get your fucking ass up and give ‘em the old razzle dazzle. It seems like no one wants to give ‘em the old razzle dazzle anymore.
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Today I learned: There's literally a self-made billionaire in Kylie Jenner's own industry who was raised by a single mother and worked 2 jobs to pay bills and Forbes still put Kylie on their cover
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my parents at 32: our baby needs milk
me at 32: i need the lemonade that kills you
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CNN questioning if a recount respects democracy.
Next up:
Does proofreading respect English?
Does double-checking your work respect math?
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Warren eyeing Buttigieg on the debate stage
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Me as a guest: omg don’t even lift a finger. your place is perfect as is. love u king :)
Me hosting: if anyone sees a single speck of dust I am a complete failure
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Yeah I’m part of the LGBTQ community
Let’s
Get
Biden
To
Quit
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This is literally Carey’s boyfriend in The Other Two
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First look at Prince Harry and William in the final episodes of ‘THE CROWN’.
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Why do they always bring the same energy as the twins from The Shining
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I don’t understand how a piece of pollen sends my body into a downward spiral but this woman on My Strange Addiction has eaten 200 sticks of deodorant and is still going about her day.
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Idk what you’re talking about, Ariana DeBose killed it here
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Me: “Wanna have a lowkey game night?”
Me 2 hours later:
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Every online shop is like "model is 6'2, weighs 180 lbs of pure muscle, has great credit, flosses every night, parents are super proud of him, and he's wearing a medium"
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97% of people won’t post this image of our Lord and savior on their timeline. Will you be one of the 3% true believers?
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Surf n terf
Surfer Bethany Hamilton says she won't compete against transgender women.
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Do you think the Brandt Boys have ever tried to unionize?
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I don’t think my state, the inventor of the Post-It Note, would be too pleased to hear about this
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Me: Oh my God, I’m so bored, I’d talk to a potato
Person: Hey!
Me: Jesus Christ I do not have the mental energy for this right now
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STOP. Is your child texting about Padam Padam? Here’s what to look out for:
ASAP: A Song About Padam
IDK: I’m Dancing to Kylie
DM: Dannii Minogue
WAP: Wild About Padam
KMS: Kylie Minogue Song
FWB: Fuck, Where’s the Bridge?
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@JanellePierzina
@TMZ
It's definitely not on purpose and I would think about how your words can inspire anti-asian hate crimes
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the dance of freedom. the death bells. the rising of the joker.
one of the most magnificent, sublime, monumental, extraordinary scenes in cinema history
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There should be a Grammy category this year for best pop song from a fictional artist
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How much did Coco Montrese pay in bribes to get her daughter on Drag Race?
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@TwitterSupport
knows Libs of TikTok regularly violates the rules but continue allowing them on their platform
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The Kacey Musgraves concert? Oh you mean Horse Girl Disco? Yeah I’m going
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Taylor Swift and Lorde should do a collab and call it Lorde & Taylor
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As a gay man, I’ve seen a lot of cavities. That’s why this Pride I’ve partnered with Quip.
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I just know Ramona went snooping through those boxes at some point
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Remember before children in cages and affair hush money when everyone thought
@kathygriffin
went too far with a photo lol
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me at the eagle: “hey do you guys have a student discount?”
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Unfortunately, I do need one more toxic situationship before the downfall of our democracy
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Fellow Travelers is so depressing. No one should have to live in DC.
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Got a text reminder about another pride party this week
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Sure sex is great but have you ever gotten the scissors to glide on wrapping paper
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George Santos won’t see your mean tweets, but your friends who have committed wire fraud, money laundering, theft of public funds, and making materially false statements will.
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Got my first piercing today and had to look brave about it so I didn’t scare the 6 year old who was up next
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At a Taylor Swift drag brunch and the queen just death dropped to Betty
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Thirst traps in your parents’ bathrooms are so overdone. Show me the cremation box of your childhood pet this Thanksgiving.
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Looked up my old NYC apartments on StreetEasy and found out someone's been using the bedroom I had for 5+ years as their walk-in closet
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Having a thought I could only share in Circles
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A lot of you need to learn how to buy concert tickets in silence
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“Sorry I’m late to the zoom, I needed to listen to julianna margulies absolutely tank her career with the gays”
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Someone responded to me shirtless today with “mangy but in a good way” and that’s the energy I’m taking into 2019
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Taylor Swift on 1989:
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Imagine thinking it’s normal to sell your plasma but not for corporations to pay workers
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Hate when people on the apps ask what brings you here. What brings a duck to water?
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Taking a break from being annoying about TSwift to be annoying and share that I’m starting grad school in 2022 🥳👨🏻🎓 Excited for what’s to come
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It’s their time
'SNL' producers 'scrambling' to replace Ed Sheeran amid COVID-19 diagnosis
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two members of (my late husband) Charlie's remarkable family. awesome bodybuilder & her son, Harvard grad (arts).
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No catfish alert : drop your most recent selfie you got in your phone 🫣❤️
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Following a 5-4 vote, the Supreme Court will allow the Biden Administration to regulate “ghost guns,” firearm-making kits available online that people can assemble at home.
🔗:
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Person yelling over the music at an orgy: "IT'S PRONOUNCED BOOT-EDGE-EDGE"
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This is what being on Hinge in your 30s feels like
392 year old Greenland Shark in the Arctic Ocean, wandering the ocean since 1627 🤯
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Orpheus right before making it to the land of the living:
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I got this for Halloween but I might just start wearing it for fun
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2 adults trying to make plans to hang out
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Gus: “this is a drag Queen”
Colton: “gross 😡”
Gus: “no we like them”
Colton: “gross 🙂”
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Showing up to work at 12:30pm on your last day is the most relatable thing he's done
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The caucus just reminded me that Martin O’Malley’s son and I are tethered
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Trump getting indicted for the same crime he and the New York Times falsely berated Hillary about is
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My friends are having a botox pregame before Jessie Ware. She’s never beating the elder millennial fanbase allegations.
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2021 -> Today.
Keeping the student discounts for as long as I can.
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It is not a gay function until someone starts playing clips of Kennedy Center Honors performances
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I can relate to the monkeypox vaccine rollout because I’ll also tell you I want to hangout sometime and then get overwhelmed when you try to pick a date and time
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