I think “Here’s 20 bucks to spend at a thrift store, no cheating” would be a very fun Met Gala theme and I simply do not know why I am not in charge of these things
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Sure the jacket’s a distraction but it’s like if they were panning across a Nazi death camp, and then cut to an actual Nazi *giggling* - obviously the camp is the bigger problem but the giggle makes it clear just how fucking sick these people are.
I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox
and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast
But that's just
the kind of plum-eating bitch I am
And you knew that
when you married me (shrug emoji)
Marvelization in action. I don’t have a SoundCloud (I have charities and foundations I support, but I bet you do too) so I’ll just say that this is a hard old world and we should all marvelize one another any chance we get. You are marvelous. You are, believe it. ❤️❤️❤️
@JArdoin_814
I'm gonna print this out and keep it in my pocket for when I need to remember that there's good in the world and/or cry like a fucking baby
I'm proud? happy? maybe a little bit scared to share this: it's very personal, not only to myself, but to many people I care deeply about. I hope I got it at least kind of right. In the mag this week:
I’m not saying I’ve hit this wall everyone’s talking about but I *am* saying that I sobbed over an inconsequential fuckup, DM’d a stranger bc I mistook something he said for being mean, told a tree I was human garbage, and had an idea for a board book of dictators as babies so 🤷🏼♀️
@CandiceBenbow
Holy shit, this was masterful from the beginning and then turned so sincerely touching and lovely and heartbreaking that I don’t even know what to do with myself right now CAN I BAKE YOU BOTH SOME CAKES
Apparently Cillian Murphy did a thing for the Calm app and I can’t tell you how furious I am that it’s not 15 minutes of him quietly, soothingly describing how he’s gonna blow my back out
@SarahThyre
@hodgman
The first time my 5yo blithely said the words “soft lockdown” to me when I asked her about school that day it felt like a cold heavy snake dropped into my belly.
Ok, my husband’s not on Twitter so I think I can ask you this. He had a beautiful 1973 Les Paul that got stolen in 1995, before the internet could be of any use. This is the longest of all possible shots, but if it’s out there and I could buy it back for him... (1/2)
@clhubes
Also I noticed that people were eager to help me and coo over her when she was a perfect cherub strapped to my chest and somehow once she was a mobile loudmouth with a runny nose that goodwill became… scarce
@clhubes
One of the very few pieces of advice I feel qualified to give to new parents is “travel with them when they’re babies ‘cause you’ve got like a 2-3 year gap coming where it’s going to be extremely fucking unpleasant”
@SarahThyre
@hodgman
I keep thinking of the kid at Santa Fe who was shaken but utterly unsurprised at what had happened to her school. Fucking madness.
@aexm
I was in an airport recently that had a store selling Le Creuset. LE FUCKING CREUSET. Oh sure I’ll just put this 80-pound enameled castiron Dutch oven in the FUCKING OVERHEAD BIN WHAT COULD GO WRONG
My kid just made this (she’s nine) and I don’t know whether to be impressed by her or ashamed of myself that she knows more about animation than I do (I think I’m gonna go with both?)
My husband:“Do you think in 400 years kids will chant ‘Be wary be wary, the 6th of January’ and will be allowed to run around all night throwing smoke bombs and eating Cheetos?”
My parents got vaxxed but now my dad won’t get a booster because he’s come around to the “magnets” point of view. I don’t have a joke or anything, it just makes me feel so fucking sad and hopeless I don’t even know what to do with myself. 🤡🙃🤡🙃🤡
Back when I was cheerfully slutting my way through my 20s it was considered *irresponsible* not to inquire as to STIs as a pre-boning courtesy; why would it be different to ask about vax status if you’re gonna be engaging in a transmission event like, oh, talking or breathing
Fully just told my kid to stop eating icing straight out of the bowl citing health and manners and the minute her back was turned grabbed a soup spoon and went to town on said icing and told myself that it's fine BECAUSE I PAY FUCKING RENT
@lenubienne
@aireyys
You ever see that episode of 30 Rock where nobody will tell Jon Hamm his ideas are bad, because he’s too pretty to say no to? I feel certain something like that is at play here.
It seems
@JasonIsbell
has a cartoon I did on his wall about the 30-50 hogs Twitter imbroglio; I thought to myself my, that’s from like five years ago! Nope, it’s from last August. BEFORETIMMMMMEEEESSSSS