Emily Flake
@EmilyFlake
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St. Nell's Humor Writing Residency:
Brooklyn
Joined September 2011
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I’ve never planned a better party than the one I planned when I was 8
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Sometimes my daughter says “let’s marvelize the cat!” and then we lie down with the cat and pet him and tell him he is marvelous, the end
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I think “Here’s 20 bucks to spend at a thrift store, no cheating” would be a very fun Met Gala theme and I simply do not know why I am not in charge of these things
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My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
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If you add a comma, “Call me, Ishmael” turns Moby-Dick into the world’s longest voicemail
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Sure the jacket’s a distraction but it’s like if they were panning across a Nazi death camp, and then cut to an actual Nazi *giggling* - obviously the camp is the bigger problem but the giggle makes it clear just how fucking sick these people are.
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@emilygmonster
That’s only half the time allotted for lying around talking about how things are so mean, which tbh is still my favorite activity
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My daughter just told me I’m a thousand buttholes made into the shape of a woman. My work here is done.
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I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox
and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast
But that's just
the kind of plum-eating bitch I am
And you knew that
when you married me (shrug emoji)
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Very funny to me when memoirs have “about the author” pages
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Please enjoy these texts sent to me from my daughter while I was doing my Zoom show *about parenting*
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Jesus Christ I leave the house for one night and I come home to the roomba fucking the swiffer
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Marvelization in action. I don’t have a SoundCloud (I have charities and foundations I support, but I bet you do too) so I’ll just say that this is a hard old world and we should all marvelize one another any chance we get. You are marvelous. You are, believe it. ❤️❤️❤️
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@JArdoin_814
I'm gonna print this out and keep it in my pocket for when I need to remember that there's good in the world and/or cry like a fucking baby
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I'm proud? happy? maybe a little bit scared to share this: it's very personal, not only to myself, but to many people I care deeply about. I hope I got it at least kind of right. In the mag this week:
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@Glamorfonic
I mean, it’s got love, loss, and beverages, the basic building blocks are there
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I’m not saying I’ve hit this wall everyone’s talking about but I *am* saying that I sobbed over an inconsequential fuckup, DM’d a stranger bc I mistook something he said for being mean, told a tree I was human garbage, and had an idea for a board book of dictators as babies so 🤷🏼♀️
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@CandiceBenbow
Holy shit, this was masterful from the beginning and then turned so sincerely touching and lovely and heartbreaking that I don’t even know what to do with myself right now CAN I BAKE YOU BOTH SOME CAKES
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Just realized that the silver wrapping paper I thought I bought is in fact clear cello-wrap. Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated at this time.
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This is a picture of my cat using the litter box to steady herself while she takes a shit on my floor
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My kid told me she's giving up dessert for Lent but I'm not giving up gambling so let's get some odds going on how long she holds out
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Apparently Cillian Murphy did a thing for the Calm app and I can’t tell you how furious I am that it’s not 15 minutes of him quietly, soothingly describing how he’s gonna blow my back out
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@SarahThyre
@hodgman
The first time my 5yo blithely said the words “soft lockdown” to me when I asked her about school that day it felt like a cold heavy snake dropped into my belly.
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@Freeyourmindkid
I guess we’re all just gonna agree to pretend Tinkerbell wasn’t a total cunt, then
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@CIouttie
@chescaleigh
That's why I put mine on a tiny spike that says "tell the others" Game of Thrones style. Out of my house, Enemy Bugs.
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Ok, my husband’s not on Twitter so I think I can ask you this. He had a beautiful 1973 Les Paul that got stolen in 1995, before the internet could be of any use. This is the longest of all possible shots, but if it’s out there and I could buy it back for him... (1/2)
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@clhubes
Also I noticed that people were eager to help me and coo over her when she was a perfect cherub strapped to my chest and somehow once she was a mobile loudmouth with a runny nose that goodwill became… scarce
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@clhubes
One of the very few pieces of advice I feel qualified to give to new parents is “travel with them when they’re babies ‘cause you’ve got like a 2-3 year gap coming where it’s going to be extremely fucking unpleasant”
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@SarahThyre
@hodgman
I keep thinking of the kid at Santa Fe who was shaken but utterly unsurprised at what had happened to her school. Fucking madness.
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How dare they not call it Teddy Fuxpin
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@aexm
I was in an airport recently that had a store selling Le Creuset. LE FUCKING CREUSET. Oh sure I’ll just put this 80-pound enameled castiron Dutch oven in the FUCKING OVERHEAD BIN WHAT COULD GO WRONG
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Today my child asked me why I look pregnant, so that’s how today’s quarantine is going
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Do the words “ditto machine” and “mimeograph” mean anything to you, and what year were you born?
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I follow both
@MatteoLane
and
@kylegriffin1
and sometimes it makes my timeline very confusing:
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My kid just made this (she’s nine) and I don’t know whether to be impressed by her or ashamed of myself that she knows more about animation than I do (I think I’m gonna go with both?)
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I just watched a woman bump into another woman and found *myself* apologizing; please explain me to myself
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I just hit a reaction button on a months-old text by accident and now I have to assume a whole new identity
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@curlycomedy
@Glamorfonic
Benny has already inspired a second-semester sophomore's worth of art and all I can say is HE BETTER BE WORTH IT
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I keep watching this because the joy beaming out of this young lady is like lifegiving sunshine. I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS MOVIE!!!!
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@yashar
I seriously think what happening in my chest right now is the beginning of a heart attack.
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My husband:“Do you think in 400 years kids will chant ‘Be wary be wary, the 6th of January’ and will be allowed to run around all night throwing smoke bombs and eating Cheetos?”
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@pattonoswalt
THE LAYYYYDEEE WITH THE TWO KIDS BUT OH BOY SHE CAN ONLY KEEP ONE OF EM UH OH!!!!!!!
#JerryLewisAFilmTitle
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I don’t know about you all but I’m never going back to bras
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What I Do in the Shadows:
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Here we go! The Kickstarter for St. Nell's Humor Writing Residency is LIVE. Thank you and I love you.
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My parents got vaxxed but now my dad won’t get a booster because he’s come around to the “magnets” point of view. I don’t have a joke or anything, it just makes me feel so fucking sad and hopeless I don’t even know what to do with myself. 🤡🙃🤡🙃🤡
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Wait, is it feed a depressive episode, starve an anxiety attack, or the other way around? 🤔
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Here’s my cartoon in the
@NewYorker
this week. Anybody else just, like... really really just so really tired?
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I made some cartoons for TNY to promote Patriot Act with
@hasanminhaj
on
#netflix
but he’s hard to draw ‘cause I kept getting lost in those
#eyes
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My husband: “I know you are, but what am I?”
My daughter, 9: “a middle-aged white man at the low point of his life?”
😱😱😱
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Back when I was cheerfully slutting my way through my 20s it was considered *irresponsible* not to inquire as to STIs as a pre-boning courtesy; why would it be different to ask about vax status if you’re gonna be engaging in a transmission event like, oh, talking or breathing
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Fully just told my kid to stop eating icing straight out of the bowl citing health and manners and the minute her back was turned grabbed a soup spoon and went to town on said icing and told myself that it's fine BECAUSE I PAY FUCKING RENT
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@anne_theriault
Bathroom, I find "washroom" super Canadian (I am married to one) (A Canadian, not a washroom)
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When I really need like a full-body sense of horror, I imagine these two eating peaches:
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My daughter gave me the only Take Five she got tonight and now I’m never going to punish her for anything ever
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@realDonaldTrump
This would be petty from a 12-year-old. From the President of the US, it's ridiculous. You shame this country, every day.
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Canada can make up for all of this smoke by putting us on their health insurance
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@lenubienne
@aireyys
You ever see that episode of 30 Rock where nobody will tell Jon Hamm his ideas are bad, because he’s too pretty to say no to? I feel certain something like that is at play here.
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It’s totally normal to cry *while* you write submissions to humor publications, right?
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It seems
@JasonIsbell
has a cartoon I did on his wall about the 30-50 hogs Twitter imbroglio; I thought to myself my, that’s from like five years ago! Nope, it’s from last August. BEFORETIMMMMMEEEESSSSS
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Nothing to see here, just a book of writing prompts/life questions my kid make me 😭😭😭❤️
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I’m at about “eat rotisserie chicken right out of the clamshell packaging” level of… whatever this is
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