Breakfast Presley
@Elmo_Oxygen
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another woke spurt from an oat milk sipper
Joined March 2020
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British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Lady Rose Hanbury: Who is the Marchioness of Cholmondeley?
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Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
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Guy who's only ever heard of kidnappers hearing about a second thing:
This is scary, like the sun is a kidnapper taking us to a second location
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Damn this blew up, please stop having sex with trucks
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Someone hacked into my fridge and drank all of my beers
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They finally let me into this group and it is not disappointing so far
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Is it just me or is it insane to get your grandmother to do this for tik tok
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Mom: u better not be downloading linkinpark In_The_End.exe onto the family orb!
Me:
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@IllyBocean
Parents car got stolen. About two years later the council from the next suburb over, literally a kilometer away at most, tracked us down at our new address a hundred K away and said "hey if you don't move your car we'll crush it into a cube." Cops had not looked at all
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@nosuchthingasa5
@yifullofsin
lmao people unironically believe this. yeah man the government is tracking your cash payments for shrimp
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@allahliker
Adjusting the amount of jizz on the X dot com logo until I find the amount that makes my wife come back
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@IllyBocean
At uni the guy who's house I was helping to renovate was burgerled.
Us: "we've been burgled"
Cops: "yeah looks like you have"
Never heard anything else about it
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Damn this blew up
Please suck me off
Please just any human contact at all
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I clogged the toilet in a North Korean hotel and my roommate started crying because he thought we'd be arrested
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@LearnToAttract
I would immediately accuse her of gangstalking me as I do to anyone who makes eye contact. Scientologists come in many flavours, and they hunt me like a dog. I will not take it anymore.
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@mrnastynodrama
The raw milk thing is i guess like a cultural signifier/meme to other fascists but from the outside it just looks like their special interest and/or stim is drinking milk
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Probably let all my friends hit it raw
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My five year old son came into the room and said "don't be sad daddy, RBG is doing fortnite dances in heaven now." Unfortunately I don't have a gun so we had to give him one of those injections for dogs
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Anyone who has ever actually worked with children or even met a single child would instantly understand why you would do this
Teachers buy these bags of 100 plastic pennies for $12 on Amazon 🤦🏻♂️
Never send your kid to public school
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You just know what this orange bitch is ordering
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@LRH_Superfan
This is not unusual, this is how adults read most words all of the time. It's useful because you can teach a three year old to recognise "the" but explaining the phonetics of it is much more complicated than they can typically understand at that age
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@willmenaker
My personal Bushido code is that I will never enter a haunted house because it's too scary in there
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@bewitchingshw
@cocainecross
Yeah there's a whole community of people on here who believe that literally every single celebrity is trans, because by their logic the only way to be a celebrity is to be trans for some reason
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@crustyleper
Something so tragic about watching a pickle jar smash itself it pieces... Is that pickle jar not all of us...
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@Lessons_History
@malmuhta
@MiddleearthMixr
Some people got raped and massacred but other people got helped. So its impossible to say if it's bad or not
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Didn't realise I'd been acting in accordance with the OSS field manual my whole life
also, the more i look into the way things get done in the world, don't discount the fact that feigning stupidity is the easiest possible cover for malicious intent, & that it's been explicitly written into american intelligence doctrine and standard operating procedures since ww2
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@prawn_meat
What the hell does cash even buy you in a world where you pay for your air bnb with gold doubloons
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I need six beers I need to drink six beers right now chef I need six
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I like how they got a POV of this guy grabbing you by the throat for the photo
‘$70,000 CEO’ Dan Price resigns after allegedly grabbing woman by throat
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@JordanUhl
This is the kind of thing Aaron Sorkin was top afraid to put in the West Wing. The raw shit.
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Perhaps you were kicked in the head by a horse
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Tired of horror movies about grief. They should make one about doing a kick flip
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Sorry I couldn't pick you up from work babe the phrase “louis ck is dating dasha from redscare” activated my MKULTRA programming and I was immediately compelled by the government to drink ten to fifteen beers. With my friend declan.
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@shaun_vids
Game where in real life you move objects in front of a fire to create shadows for the appreciation of others
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@okemsrazor
@steinkobbe
First it was "nighttime". Now it's "daytime." Which is it liberals????
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Crazy how this guy essentially altered the course of history
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This is an absolutely maddening way to say that you think Hsu should have won. Jamie Lee Curtis is not actually an IRS agent in real life! They are acting!!!
Can’t believe Stephanie Hsu, who played a depressed immigrant daughter traveling throughout the universe to find a version of her mother who loved her, lost to an irs agent
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@paradoomer
bernie taking a wider stance, manchin trying to shield his groin by pressing his thighs together - indicative of deep shame
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@shaun_vids
@AITA_reddit
The kid is a dork because he is a snitch, the dad is a dork because he is a redditor
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"interested in tech" in bio unsurprising they'd be immediately filtered by a real book
trying to read Blood Meridian and im only 90 pages in but christ
every sentence is like “the halfdead mule dragged itself over the blasted sunworn sand, lugging its filthy saddle fashioned from horsehair and rawlooking infants scalps. the kid spat dryly into the brush”
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