Elaine Nicholls NVR
@ElaineNvr
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Adoptive parent/Advanced NVR practitioner. Therapeutic parenting help. Located in Whitley Bay.
Joined June 2022
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The relationship between
#trauma
&
#autism
is complex.
#developmentaltrauma
can lead to autism presentation.
#autistic
children can be traumatised by how they’re parented/taught & by therapies. It’s difference not disorder & also disability helped by
#traumainformed
adjustments.
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5
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A change in perspective changes everything.
#adhd
#asd
#asc
#autism
#autistic
#fas
#fasd
#developmentaltrauma
#cptsd
#neurodiversity
#neurodivergence
#medicalmodel
#socialmodel
#traumainformed
#traumaresponsive
0
5
25
We all make mistakes & we all have regrets. Give yourself permission to move on from the parent you were yesterday. Offer your children the same grace. Hold past behaviour lightly.
#nonviolentresistance
#parenting
#shame
#behaviour
#challengingbehaviour
#kaiskye
#brianandreas
0
3
23
The discourse around child to parent violence matters - it influences the way that children, parents & professionals think & behave. NVR is a systemic no blame approach. We seek to understand the dynamics in any given situation & we work together to find win-win solutions.
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#Parenting
takes you places you never thought you’d go to.
#Shame
can be in the mix. Rewriting the narrative. Denial. Focusing on what your child did & minimising your part. It’s not too late to go back & say sorry for that thing 3 years ago.
#parenting
#responsiveparenting
0
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Therapeutically parenting hurting children, whether we gave birth to them or not, we can be feeling hurt ourselves when professionals come into our lives. Mikenda Plant is the creator of the
@TheMoffles
& the trainer of the course I’m attending. 1/3
1
3
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Kids provide us with plenty of opportunity for growth. Especially if we’ve unresolved trauma but true regardless. As we learn to reflect on our inner world & better regulate our children’s perception of us changes.
#coregulation
#therapeuticparenting
#developmentaltrauma
#nvr
0
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I’m not interested in
#narratives
that
#blame
or
#shame
either parents or young people. Relationships are complex & even more so with
#trauma
#neurodivergence
&
#SEND
. Believing everyone’s doing their best supports
#compassion
#selfcompassion
#collaboration
&
#change
. 🙌🫶
0
2
19
Celebrating
#neurodiversity
week - breaking down misconceptions & challenging
#stigma
. Focusing on the many strengths & abilities that come with
#neurodivergence
#neurodiversitycelebrationweek
#neurodivergent
#autism
#adhd
#fasd
#tourettes
#developmentaltrauma
#latediagnosisclub
0
3
19
It’s tempting to compare our parenting, & our children. But we don’t all experience things the same. We don’t all have access to the same internal & external resources. I want to tell you that you are enough as you are. You, present & available, with your flaws, is enough.
0
4
19
We often think of behaviour triggers as something external - an event, a place, a person, a smell/sound. Parents & teachers say there was no trigger because there's nothing they've seen that explains what's happened.
#triggers
#interoception
#exteroception
#curiosity
1/2
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This is actually the basis of our work in NVR. Our kids create a representation of us in their mind (as parents & teachers). Through our actions & attitude, we can manipulate that representation in a way that helps us best help them.
#parentalpresence
#nvrparenting
#nvrinschools
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#Selfcare
isn’t always enjoyable. It can be a beach walk, a bubble bath, a latte with a friend. It can be booking a dentist appointment, getting through the to do list, setting
#boundaries
around a person’s presence in your life. It’s about balance.
Today is a to do list day.
1
2
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Just completed week 9 of a ten week NVR course for adopters. I always feel sad as we approach the end because parents share so much of their story. Some huge shifts in self awareness and gentle steps towards increasing parental presence. ☺️
0
2
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How do we conceptualise abusive child to adult/parent behaviour? Bearing in mind the way we conceptualise & speak about it will impact our responses? Personally very uncomfortable with domestic abuse narratives in almost all cases. Also uncomfortable with lowering expectations.
2
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17
NVR parenting invites us to first pay attention to our inner experience - triggers, reactions, motivations - to pause & make sense of that before choosing our response - regulating ourselves before co-regulating our young people.
#nonviolentresistance
#regulation
#coregulation
0
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Loved delivering introduction to NVR informed therapeutic parenting earlier with
@MrAlCoates
. Whistle stop tour of the approach this morning. Tomorrow morning we focus in on two topics chosen by participants. Parents doing the best they can I really difficult circumstances.
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Remember - what people present on social media is a poor reflection of actual day to day life. The things going on in your house are likely going on in a lot of other houses.
#cbt
#cognitivebehaviouraltherapy
#cft
#compassionfocusedtherapy
#familydynamics
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When my kids were young I remember telling professionals “Don’t tell me what to do. Help me figure out the best thing I can do from the options available at the time.” I was fed up of being told to respond in ways I knew I couldn’t manage. 1/3
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One of the trickiest but most effective things we can do as parents/teachers is believe what we can't yet see. When we think of the current problem as temporary, it shifts our mindset - what would invite change? A subtle shift can change the way we're present in the relationship.
1
1
17
Interesting. In my experience it can feel a bit more complex with
#FASD
,
#developmentaltrauma
&
#secondarytrauma
in the mix. But
#NVR
definitely helps where there’s ongoing family conflict - with or without child to parent violence.
#nonviolentresistance
#nvrparenting
#cpv
#cpva
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#collaborative
conversations are so powerful - embodying
#solutionfocused
&
#growthmindset
- making change possible. We need
#regulation
to access the mindset & skills so in
#nvrparenting
&
#nvrinschools
we suggest revisiting when we’re less reactive & able to think clearly. 🙌
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Does
#childhoodtrauma
reduce
#resilience
? Can it make us stronger, wiser, more compassionate? As an adopter &
#NVR
practitioner,
#narrative
matters - influencing our interactions, expectations & what we mirror to our child.
#therapeuticparenting
#therapy
#posttraumaticgrowth
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2
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#Intersubjectivity
- parent & child deeply connected through shared/complementary thought & emotion. The roots of felt safety & sense of self. Hard for kids who’ve been hurt by caregivers & hard for adults now caring for them.
#attachment
#connection
#parentalpresence
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Anybody know how to support
#kinship
carer with
#SGO
to access
#ASF
- child accesses PP+ and is definitely eligible. No social worker involved & nobody in the LA accepts they have a role. Where do I start supporting them?
@MrAlCoates
@NVRnorthampton
@fishercoaching
any idea?
9
4
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Processing emotions isn’t always about talking. Sitting with emotions is powerful. Noticing without judgement. Curiosity for why they’re there. Validating experience. Remembering no feeling lasts forever.
#acceptanceandcommitmenttherapy
#defusion
#processingemotions
#mindfulness
0
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A change in perspective changes everything.
#adhd
#asd
#asc
#autism
#autistic
#fas
#fasd
#developmentaltrauma
#cptsd
#neurodiversity
#neurodivergence
#medicalmodel
#socialmodel
#traumainformed
#traumaresponsive
1
2
16
One great thing about NVR is that it provides a map for those times where we might be in survival mode. See … for more info.
#nvrparenting
#nonviolentresistance
#therapeuticparenting
#trauma
#complextrauma
#traumainformed
#asd
#autism
#adhd
#fasd
0
3
16
This poem captures for me how differently children think & experience the world compared with adults.
More at:
#attunement
#mentalisation
#therapeuticparenting
#childdevelopment
#autism
#adhd
#fasd
#developmentaltrauma
#behaviourmanagement
#brianandreas
0
1
16
One of the first
#adoption
books I read was ‘Parenting from the inside out.’ It helped us to understand that what looked & felt like
#defiance
was inability to access the executive brain because of age,
#developmentaltrauma
or temporary
#dysregulation
- often all three. 1/2
1
3
14
I've written a post.
#nvr
#nonviolentresistance
#therapeuticparenting
#sendparenting
#adhd
#fasd
#autism
#send
#trauma
#adoption
#fostering
#kinship
#sgo
0
4
16
On
#IWD2024
shout out to all the mums doing their best to overcome their own
#childhoodtrauma
so they can offer their children better. Remember you only have to be
#goodenough
. Feed them. Have fun together. Set limits. And
#repair
after upset & conflict.
#parenting
#nvrparenting
0
1
16
Fantastic idea. Liked, followed, & joined on Facebook.
@fishercoaching
@MrAlCoates
@maeve41568929
@maeve41568929
Great 💡 idea. I look forward to connecting with other NVR practitioners across the world before twitter implodes
@nvr_ireland
@NVRPractitioner
@NvrSouth1
@ElaineNvr
@PartnershipProj
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Heartbreaking & tragic story. In NVR, we explore the perimeters of our parental duty in relation to age & any additional needs, we explore the limits of our influence, & we think about where to position our boundaries. This mum was not responsible for the actions of her son. 😔
A mother was blamed for ‘weak parenting’ – and then her son killed her |
This case shocked and upset me. It takes a lot for a story to do that. My take on it for
@IndyVoices
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An uncomfortable fact - most of what we learn, most of our growth, is through mistakes. When you mess up, grow through it, celebrate the opportunity & the learning. Give your children the freedom to make their mistakes & support them to grow through it.
#parenting
#growthmindset
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If we can respond therapeutically some of the time & take responsibility when we can’t - apologise, narrate our experience, make it clear that our response wasn’t about them - they’ll be okay.
#adoption
#fostering
#kinship
#trauma
#autism
#adhd
#fasd
#tantrums
#meltdowns
#cpv
1
2
15
Excited to finally have my hands on this. Imperfect relationships are where the magic lies. Good news for every single one of us. Parents. Partners. Children. Colleagues. Friends.
#thepowerofdiscord
#edtronick
#stillface
#repair
#ruptureandrepair
#goodenough
#goodenoughparenting
0
1
14
Children & YP who are
#violent
don’t always have a hostile motive, some don’t have any motive at all. Sometimes it’s about getting very valid underlying needs met & not knowing a more effective way. Sometimes it’s the outworking of what’s going on at a physiological level. 1/3
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4
15
Beliefs about our child, the cause of their need/behaviour, their ability to play a part in solutions - makes a huge difference to our behaviour, our expectations of theirs, to the relationship.
#trauma
#fasd
#adhd
#autism
#anxiety
#shame
#growthmindset
#collaboration
#systemic
1
3
16
Childhood trauma isn’t just the difficult things that happen through our early years. It’s the absence of the things that could’ve helped us through. As adults, we can be present for the children in our lives. We can be the difference.
#ACEs
#BCEs
#PCEs
#trauma
The Benevolent Childhood Experiences (the opposite of the ACEs) try to capture the positive things in a childhood that can enhance long term outcomes in mental health.
Important to evaluate the good things that can happen in a child’s life rather than just the negatives.
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Spent today delivering an introduction to NVR with my esteemed colleague Gail - to the very best group of kinship carers doing a remarkable job in very difficult circumstances - always a pleasure
@kinshipca
❤️ I would add this was lunch break 🤭
Absolutely wonderful to come together with our Kinship Carers for an NVR day with
@ElaineNvr
and Preferred Future NVR with Gail Humphrey. Lots of sharing of thoughts and ideas around supporting our children and being their needs all as our own
#kinshipcare
#morethangrandparents
0
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10
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One of the great things about NVR is the focus on staying connected to ourselves. It’s liberating when the measure of parenting success isn’t our child’s behaviour but our own behaviour increasingly aligning to our values.
#nvrparenting
#goodenoughparenting
#therapeuticparenting
0
1
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A thread:
An interesting read raising lots of thoughts & feelings. Parenthood is “choosing your children again & again”. 1/4
#parenting
#responsiveparenting
#therapeuticparenting
#goodenoughparenting
#selfcompassion
#nvrparenting
#nonviolentresistance
1
1
15
Children learn to regulate from many thousands of experiences of being coregulated but what about when we’re not calm either? Sometimes we need to regulate ourselves first - and that’s okay.
#windowoftolerance
#dysregulation
#coregulation
#therapeuticparenting
#traumainformed
0
0
15
Always good for the soul spending time with a lovely bunch of
#kinship
carers
@kinshipca
- & Mel is amazing.
Talking about how we look after ourselves when things are pretty much always rocky.
#windowoftolerance
#boundaries
#mindfulness
#selfcompassion
#goodenoughparenting
0
1
13
At the start of a new term/year, this is an incredible illustration reminding all adults in school to look beneath the surface, to look beyond, to be curious.
#nvr
#nonviolentresistance
#kindness
#polyvagal
#challengingbehaviour
#teachers
#edutwitter
#hazelmead
#pace
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6
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Parental responsibility begins & ends with encouraging & supporting their child to access school - supporting sleep, getting them up, providing breakfast, offering a means of transport, providing clothes & equipment, listening to worries, problem solving, advocating. That’s it.
Here's a message from a parent in a community I belong to, for parents whose children are struggling.
The "advice" here isn't uncommon.
It is, however, wrong & very dangerous.
It's like making a child stare at a fire & thinking they'll eventually want to walk into the flames.
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Powerful representation of what processing externally with the right person can achieve.
Artist unknown.
#nvr
#nonviolentresistance
#supporters
#emotionalsupport
#friendship
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Children don’t need perfection. If we can manage safe & predicable most of the time, owning our mistakes, then they’ll be okay. Do your best. Take responsibility for your worst. Repair. Ditch the guilt for being human.
#nvr
#nonviolentresistance
#parenting
#goodenoughparenting
1
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A thread: Resolving conflict in families starts with parent behaviour. In school it starts with teacher behaviour. That’s not because parents/teachers are to blame. It’s about what’s within our control. 1/5
#nonviolentresistance
#challengingbehaviour
#behaviourmanagement
1
3
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There's a lot of letting go in NVR. One thing we let go of is responsibility for the actions of others, including our children. I'm responsible for nurturing my children in a way that suits the way they function. I'm not responsible for whether they accept/reject my nurture. 1/5
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1
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It's complicated when children have experienced early adversity & present as autistic. It can be
#developmentaltrauma
or
#autism
or both & we need to make proper sense of it for children to make the right adjustments so they can thrive.
#neurodiversity
#celebratingneurodiversity
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