Purves Grundy
@DismalChips
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Following
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This is a place of honour. Highly-esteemed deeds are commemorated here. (ho-hum he-him)
Manchester
Joined April 2010
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Birmingham
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#LaCasaDeLosFamososMx
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#LCDLFMX2
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Protecting
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Gala
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TATI
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原爆投下
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Adrián Marcelo
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Ricardo
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Mariana
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ファミチキ
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Sian
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Stanowski
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Goyang
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Vargas
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Briggitte
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#BangladeshCrisis
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はだしのゲン
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सुषमा स्वराज
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#FileninSultanları
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Zehra
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消しゴムマジック
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Pinned Tweet
New followers: you'll find that I'm like Marmite. Basically brewery detritus.
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I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm just saying that the times i had ice cream for breakfast were not during the times my life was going well
Study: Eating ice cream for breakfast may improve mental performance
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I don't know if Carrie Johnson reads my tweets but Carrie, if you've been thinking of leaving him there will never be a funnier moment than right now
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Kid has taken her rings off to eat mcnuggets. My line "it's like someone killed a hedgehog" has not been well received.
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Absolutely cannot be arsed with pub/kid/dog discourse but I do feel strongly that more pubs should have a large tabby cat that sleeps on the bar and opens one eye with disdain as you approach.
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Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
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I would be prepared to put a sum of money on him being one of those guys who wouldn't wear a mask and described it as a muzzle back in 2020.
Some fella on TikTok there wearing a muzzle in solidarity with his XL bully, 2024 is off to a flyer
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This is the platonic ideal of British centrism: sitting on a lofty platform, looking at a dedicated campaigner for a better world and a suspected human trafficker, and finding a way to judge both of them as wanting in comparison to your unsullied rationality.
Greta tweeted about Tate because she knew it would go viral; Tate responded for the same reason. It's non-zero sum competition in which both participants win. The prize is online engagement (not real-world impact).
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I personally think it should be disqualifying as a headteacher if you can't spot when kids are very obviously fucking with you.
I think what happens is she gets jealous of JK Rowling taking all the attention so she has to come up with something like "I know of a child who identifies as pasta" to bring the focus back on herself
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You know, I think we could have dosed Ed Miliband with LSD and set him loose with a regiment of tanks driven by chimps and we'd still have had less chaos than this.
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Twitter ain't what it was but today a dead goldfish is trending so I'm glad I'm still here. RIP Alice.
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Dad's moving so we're starting to clear the house he's lived in since 1980. We're finding some stuff.
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@hansmollman
cool. how do I stop my first conscious thought every morning being "oh fuck i'm awake"?
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"I will clean the sea" is a hilarious phrase, even if what it actually means is entirely laudable. I will clean the sea. I will count the sand. I will sew a button on the sun.
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I have a half-baked and totally unresearched theory that Britain should essentially market itself as the world's university. Massively expand higher education, recruit heavily from abroad and create English-language and orientation summer schools in the market towns around cities
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Got bad news for you about the entire history of popular music, pal.
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@KatyMontgomerie
Ah yes, "suck my dick" a phrase characteristic of trans people and only trans people.
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I am tired of explaining to you dickheads that we understand the electoral politics perfectly well, but that we consider the things the Tories want to do to be bad, and that they are still bad when Labour do them even if they don't do them quite as much.
I’ve said this before: the Starmer strategy has always seemed to me to be declaring his party is now basically Labour and the Tories combined, with the actual Tories being UKIP. Downsides: this pisses people off on the left. Upsides: 45% of the country votes for you.
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I've muted notifications on this because it's making my notifications tab unusable so if you're telling me I'm the cruel face of the intolerant left or some shit I'm not going to see it. Otherwise, carry on.
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We've locked the doors, and only one will leave alive. Available to stream live on HBO.
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Good. My gf used to work in mental health in a pretty deprived area of Manchester and was always hearing about their researchers tapping people up in pubs and shopping centres about their family grievances, trying to get them to come on the show.
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Nonsense. Young people get told they're useless all the time. By boring comedians on panel shows joking about avocados. By boring columnists in newspapers. By boring relatives sharing pointless memes about how their generation survived unnecessary danger.
Young people think they own the future because no one has ever told them they're useless
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Because a surprising amount of people are entirely OK with dictators as long as they feel the dictator's on their side.
Can someone explain why people who hated a Cuban dictator would vote for an American one?
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Fucking hell. This has to be a spoof. Not least because he looks about thirteen.
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I am briefly suspending my belief that you shouldn't judge kids' World Book Day costumes to very harshly judge the parents who sent their kid to my youngest's nursery dressed as Captain Tom, with the Captain Tom children's book.
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We need to return the blue tick to its original use: to signify that, unbelievable as it may seem, these terrible and barely-informed opinions really are those of a journalist paid eight times your salary.
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This tweet inspired by the kitten I saw in a window yesterday that just looked entirely chaotic and bewildered.
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Flying water tankers and fixing planes so they're even better? The president is an eight-year-old boy.
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A milkshake is not a precursor to violence, it's an end in itself. The far right pride themselves on being serious and scary and a milkshake totally wrecks that. The aim is not to threaten them, it's to make them look ridiculous. And it succeeds admirably.
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That fucking Mail front page is proof again that the ones who shout loudest about free speech will be the first to have you in the gulags.
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SOMEBODY HAS TO. WE CAN'T ALL BE IN THE FUCKING ENLIGHTENED BRIAN COX SPACE GAZING ARMY MATE SOMEONE'S GOT TO DO THE ACCOUNTS
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Nick Timothy quits to spend more time haunted by his misdeeds in the bitterly cold slums of St Petersburg.
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I think I'll be taking my cues on masculinity from the guy who picked a fight with a slightly over-serious teenage girl and got effortlessly humiliated. She was barely even bothering.
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They should let Daniel Khalife go just for the sheer amount of banter he's sparked. Kid's a one-man Ever Given. He's 30-50 feral hogs. He's David Cameron skulling a pig. Let him free.
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Thing is, this is supposed to be a vicious smiting of Boris Johnson but all it really says is, they're all mates, the people who matter, they know each other, they move in the same circles and any differences between them are really matters of degree and aesthetic.
Things I did not expect to read in Polly Toynbee’s riveting family memoir.
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America reckon they're the world's greatest country, but could their escaped ape knock back five litres of undiluted Ribena? Could it fuck.
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Thing is, when the queen dies, leftist shitpost Twitter is going to be fucking hilarious but a proportion of us are going to get our lives fucking ruined by the Sun and we just have to accept that, like legionaries facing decimation.
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I see the Mail is melting down over Thomas the Tank Engine having female and foreign characters again. Meanwhile on the railway forums...
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"Parents of millennials so bad at parenting that they passed cost and responsibility of learning basic life skills on to their children"
Fixed that for you.
Millennials Are So Helpless They’re Taking ‘Adulting Classes’ To Learn How To Do Things Like Sew A Button
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You know, I always thought that when the presidency went full Zaphod Beeblebrox, at least we'd get someone as fun as Zaphod Beeblebrox
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The whole Captain Tom thing is a perfect microcosm of lockdown, and the way a brief moment of shared experience and solidarity very quickly turned out to just be the usual suspects on the make.
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I've read Day of the Triffids, I'll be fine, it's you fuckers that are experiencing the majesty of the ionosphere that need to watch your fucking backs if the dandelions start getting dicey.
Fucking nothing. Through phone camera, the naked eye. Nothing.
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Did a tadpole write this tweet?
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Probably just as well. You've tried 19 and it's not going brilliantly.
There are people who like the EU because they like regulation. I have no words.
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The really funny thing about the Elon Musk/JK Rowling is that it sums up what most of us feel on encountering the anti-trans crowd: that sense of "crikey, do you not have anything else going on?". It's bizarre how totally consuming it seems to be for these people.
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This may be a trick of memory but I don't recall anyone actually liking him, he was just ubiquitous. I don't recall him being talked about with the affection applied to eg Judi Dench now.
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It's a pretty impressive achievement to be in contention for the most awful member of a band that also includes Gary Barlow, but fair fucks to Howard Donald for giving it a go.
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Please, Joe Biden. End this madness so I can know whether I can fuck this cookie or not.
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@vickyallover
Definitely isn't. I live about 50 yards from the McVities factory, they've got a specific intake valve on the side marked "Penguin cream".
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Basically our universities are totally dependent on fleecing rich Chinese and Indian kids so we might as well lean into it and get a bit of regeneration from it.
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The only thing Laurence Fox has ever done that has benefitted another human was sue Mukhtar.
Hi everyone, after the legal costs and court fees, what was left. I donated to these charities.
Thread 👇🏽
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This is the thing I always have with Savile. He was *everywhere*.
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Also who's denying furries exist? They very clearly do but I would question whether anyone's bringing their fursona into the classroom. And if they aren't, I would say the matter falls into the area called None Of Your Headteacher's Fucking Business.
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The New York Times seems to have realised there's endless stories to be found in mining the rottenness of British public life, and more power to them.
Keep looking, guys. You would not believe some of the shit our great and good have been up to.
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So basically students come over in June, spend several weeks doing orientation and intensive English classes in Burnley or Walsall or whatever, then move in to study and Manchester or Birmingham universities. Use old mills converted into accommodation
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Jeremy Corbyn is suing Nigel Farage, so standby for an avalanche of If Only They Could Both Lose from the world's most tedious arseholes.
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It's great how we're managing to sustain two simultaneous moral panics, one about the terrible danger to free speech and the other about the mortal danger of politicians being publicly criticised.
An absolutely bizarre assertion in Will Lloyd’s Times column today.
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Thing is, James Madison was one of the founding fathers. Pretty sure that if you showed him a Lizzo performance there's about a dozen things that would cause him to vomit up his own balls in confusion and outrage before he went "hang on, that's my fucking flute"
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Maybe I misunderstood the film, but I don't think that's what the Death Star was for.
http://t.co/c4o36n9lQE
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What the fuck is wrong with just leaving people alone?
This also goes for the guts getting all angry about women doing their make up in the bus.
Let people get to work in peace, you terrible shithouses.
Here is how I spent my morning: using a megaphone to heckle members of the public for having their heads buried in their phones.
@BBCRadio2
@theJeremyVine
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Ah, I see Tommy Robinson is out of prison alive and with no more damage than a shit wispy beard. So all that histrionic warbling about being sentenced to death was just him being a big drama queen, was it?
Little fucking cunt.
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In my wildest version of it we'd also introduce business visas for people from abroad to give incoming students some familiar home comforts but that's mainly because I like the idea of an authentic Sichuan restaurant in my home town of Dewsbury.
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The obvious problem, other than that it requires investment and selling a massive increase in immigration to the public, is that you create a bunch of towns with a summer economy and not much else. But then a lot of these towns have fuck all going on now I'm
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You know, whatever else, I'm so glad that Brianna had supportive and completely accepting parents. When your kid is within the realm of LGBTQ+ in whatever form that takes, you can't control the rest of the world but you can control that.
"Brianna was larger than life, she was funny, witty and fearless... Our house feels empty without her laughter."
Esther Ghey, the mother of Brianna Ghey, speaks after two teenagers were found guilty of her daughter's murder.
📺 Sky 501
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This is how I feel when I learn a couple of mates have been out for a drink without me
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Given that every female comic I know has a story about not being booked because there's already a woman on the bill this is a situation we can safely ignore.
'I lost a gig because I'm a straight white male' | ...and it happens to us all, says comic Nick Dixon
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RIP Meat Loaf. he was - and I mean this with the greatest reverence - absolutely fucking preposterous.
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It's the whole tone of it. "100k isn't much when you consider school fees" v "the minimum wage is perfectly adequate, beans are 12p a tin".
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@peachesanscream
Also, while I was waiting at a bar to get served the woman in front turned round with her drinks, looked my up and down and said "oh. You look nothing like Bruce Willis".
Which is true. Also, for some reason I apologised.
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Hang on though. Isn't that the precise analogy you're always using against rape victims?
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Me on my way to the Plymouth Herald comments section to make some insinuations
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@iainpics
This is what I mean. The fucker was inescapable.
Not seen many that look quite as sinister in retrospect as this though.
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Well, he's got me on two points, I can talk, though. I prove it when I leave the fucking house once in a while.
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(I'm muting this because there's about four different arguments going on in my mentions, none directly involving me. Which is obviously fine but it's clogging the tab up a bit)
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They tried offering him the whisky bottle and the revolver but instead he just got hammered and shot Michael Gove.
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@robpalkwriter
Pretty sure it's not your responsibility to deal with the fact he can't stand his wife.
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Firmly believe that anyone suggesting we bring back national service falls into the age bracket of people too young to have to do it last time and too old to have to do it now.
When was I was wee, and you heard blokes on the telly saying ‘bring back national service’ etc, they had actually done national service and that.
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This is all correct. It is also not new, it's what loads of people on the left have been saying for ages, getting written off as cranks and trots by centrist commentators high on their own farts.
These are my election-campaign mid point reflections
In the weeks BF - before the return of Farage - it was a commonplace among MPs and commentators that the UK was a wonderful
anomaly: there would be an election dominated by two mainstream centrist parties with technocratic
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Receiving reports from Downing Street that Theresa May is crouching on the dado rail hissing at members of the cabinet who are trying to dislodge her with a broom.
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I have long believed that you never really stop loving the things you loved as a child, it's just that the world gets in the way sometimes.
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The best responses to this have been the ACTUALLY I THINK YOU'LL FIND MY BLACK CAT IS A TOTAL DOOFUS HERE LOOK ones.
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Jess Phillips is an overhyped mediocrity who's plain-speaking-truth-to-power shtick contrasts embarrassingly with the banality of her statements and her ambition far outstrips her ability. If you can't satirise that without mentioning her tits you shouldn't be writing satire.
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How the fuck are you supposed to get anything done when the Conservative party is just a firehose of utter inhumanity and trivial silliness, all mixed together so you can't find your ground.
Conservative MP Nick Fletcher says Doctor Who being played by a woman has pushed young men into crime.
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Although I quite like the idea of Furry School, if only for the mental imagery of the headteacher stood in assembly sternly reminding the kids that when they are wearing that cartoon horny lion suit they are an ambassador for the school and should conduct themselves accordingly.
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@OfSymbols
Gets funnier when you learn that the "excellent candidate" is that weird aggro-centrist guy who had the Controls on Immigration mug in his profile for the entire Corbyn period.
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The world's oldest cat also looks uncannily like Werner Herzog.
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If I had the ear of Andy Burnham I'd suggest it as his next big thing after transport.
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