DeWitt B. Fartin
@DeWittBFartin
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I thought “prima donna” was “pre Madonna” until I was like 25, I thought it meant you were acting like you were about to be rich and famous like Madonna so nobody ever corrected me because I would always use the phrase correctly
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Im doing my own version of Hot Ones rn called Cold Ones where i just drink beer and dont interview anybody
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Black eyed peas voice:
People killin people dyin, Peter Lois Meg and Brian
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Dudes that are 5’8” love saying “I’ll be there shortly” like yea man we know
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I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
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(Threateningly)
Play that fucking music white boy
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Jamaican riddler and he’s like riddle
me dis badmon
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Dudes be askin for proof whole time it’s in the pudding
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John Denver if he was a millennial:
Country roads, make me woke, hit my vape, play on phone, changing genders, love Obama, make me woke, oh country roads
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Kanye if he was more upfront:
I am saying she’s a gold digger
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She call me Rowan Atkinson the way I missed her bean
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Kanye voice:
No one clam should have all that chowder
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They sayin Obama touched Biden that’s why he quiet
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Getting so mad about this I break my wrist throwing punches
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I am a bean, I am a fuckin chungus, I do play Fortnite and livestream among us
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There should be a milkman type service that just drops off a six pack of miller high life every Friday right before you get home
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(Sexy and I know it voice)
I’m low key kinda goated
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50 cent if he was a millennial:
I’ll take you to the gender shop, I’ll let you touch the funko pop
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5’8 dudes will say “I’ll get to the bottom of this” as if they’re not already there
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They call it Goodwill but I go there with bad intentions
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50 cent if he was a toddler:
You can find me in the tub, playing with a duck, look mommy I got beard made of soap I’m having fun, I’m into carrot sticks, my shoes light up when I run, so come give me some tums I started throwing up
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If you name your son Augustus Gloop you’re setting him up to be a fat retard
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Daft punk if they were millennials:
Vote Obama
Changing gender
Vape in bathroom
iPhone charger
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Kid Cudi if he was a waiter at an Italian restaurant:
The rigatoni seems to pair with wine that’s white
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Every drug addict and alcoholic that can read above an 8th grade level thinks they’re secretly good will hunting
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I would instantly become a collaborator in a planet of the apes scenario
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Drake if he was a 1950’s housewife:
I know when that pot pie ding
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Batman: Tell me where you’re hiding the explosives
The Jamaican Riddler: Not so fast badmon, dey hate to see me win but I luv to see di opps fail, you will find di bom, where dey keep di oxtail
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This is 10% duck, 20% bill, 15% pond and lake wherever we fill, 5% gander, 50% treats and 100% reason to remember the geese
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The lonely egg roll seems to be with side of rice
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I just went right into the trades instead of going to college that’s my bad
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They’re saying they’ve never seen a whiteboy reheat leftovers with so much swagger
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(He smoked the gas)
He smoked the monster gas
(The monster gas)
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Where are the hoes? Are they safe? Are they alright?
It seems…. in your anger, you scared them
NO, THERE WAS A VIBE I FELT IT
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50 cent if he was a caveman:
Find me with a club, goin on a hunt, look honey I got some sticks if you wanna make a hut, I’m living in a cave and communicate with grunts so come give me an ugh if you into gettin ugh
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Eminem if he was Mao Zedong:
Two trailer park girls hold half of the sky
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DMX if he was in Ratatouille:
Y’all gon make me cook some food
Rat in hair
Rat in hair
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I call my bitch Hitler she go crazy on the poles
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Kendrick Lamar if he had amnesia:
I can’t remember if you was conflicted
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I know when that onion ring, that can only Burger King
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Lady Gaga if she was a millennial:
Let’s have some fun this beat is sick, I bought a funko pop that is pickle rick
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Drake if he was Chinese:
Cups of the Lo Mein, bitches eating egg rolls
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The dunce cap was such a funny concept imagine your middle school history teacher made you wear a hat that said retard and sit in a corner
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Frank Sinatra voice:
I’ve been a groyper, a chungus, a wojak, among us, a chud, and a bean
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Is there a sign outside my house that says ░M░Y░ ░P░U░S░S░Y░ ░I░N░ ░B░I░O░?
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I sent two genders back in autumn you must not have got ‘em, there probably was a problem at the woke office or something
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Her: do you know what happened to my grandmother’s Xanax?
Me(off 3 bars): haven’t
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Professor: alright can anyone tell me what it means when that hotline bling?
Me(raising my hand): that could mean two things
(Whole class laughing at me)
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Shaggy if he was a millennial:
Picture this we were both just vaping eating avocado toast
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I have numerous twitter accounts spread across several devices, I have many bots flowing at many thousands of replies per day, so ladies and gentlemen if I say ░M░Y░ ░N░U░D░E░S░ ░I░N░ ░B░I░O░ you will agree
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Trying not to make it obvious to this girl that I’m a garbageman but every time we go out janitors keep saluting me like I’m a ranking officer
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I have numerous genders spread across this state. I have many vapes flowing at many thousands of puffs per day. So ladies and gentlemen if I say I am a millennial you will agree
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When women run, their breasts bounce in a figure-8 pattern, moving side-to-side as well as up and down.
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Green Day if they were millennials:
Eat avocado toast, the only toast that I have ever known, playing on my phone, but it’s iPhone 3 obamaphone
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That one fruity nazi who closes the gas chamber with his hips
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Now this looks like LGBT so everybody, no job you see, so we need a little, extra money, please donate to gofundme
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I think people should be attacking every edm festival not just the Israeli ones
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They must think I’m gay the way I came from the bottom
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Japanese high school bully: nice glasses nerd why are you always reading books lol maybe try and get some bitches😂
14 year old Oppenheimer: one day you will learn why I am reading these books
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Frank Sinatra if he was a crustacean:
I’ve been a lobster, barnacle, an isopod, and krill, a prawn and a shrimp
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I can feel the chungus in the air tonight, oh lord
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Scarface if he was woke:
Say hello to my husband Fred
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We are living in the golden era of candy and nobody even cares, candy technology is progressing faster than cancer research
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They call me Kaepernick the way I’m Colin out of work
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🇮🇳🇮🇱 India declares its "unwavering solidarity" with Israel
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CIA guy: we have other ways of making you talk
*leaves the room and comes back with a box of wine so we can have a girls night*
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Take me down to the tiny mouse city where the traps have cheese and the girls are squeaking
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Guns N’ Roses if they were millennials:
Welcome to the gender, pronouns she or they
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Linkin Park if they were Jamaican:
One ting, a badmon guy
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