Dan's Cafe
@DansCafeDC
Followers
10,963
Following
95
Media
86
Statuses
1,045
Shut the fuck up and drink your squirt bottle
Adams Morgan, Washington, DC
Joined July 2017
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
Telegram
• 1234743 Tweets
Hezbollah
• 209380 Tweets
SB19 RED CARPET PREMIERE
• 145965 Tweets
#Cvitt1000mgXZeeNunew
• 127172 Tweets
ORM YOUNG OTOP 2024
• 114772 Tweets
#YoungOTOPxออมกรณ์นภัส
• 112897 Tweets
ARMYS LOVE YOONGI
• 104819 Tweets
ダンス・ダンス・ダンス
• 77526 Tweets
WE LOVE YOU BTS
• 75335 Tweets
1Z BALIBAGAN SA RED CARPET
• 74476 Tweets
WE TRUST YOU YOONGI
• 64981 Tweets
ST☆RISH
• 44374 Tweets
ARMYS PRIDE YOONGI
• 39347 Tweets
OUR BELOVED YOONGI
• 35407 Tweets
#BACKSLIVEで愛し合おう
• 23387 Tweets
#光る君へ
• 20209 Tweets
#PAKvsBAN
• 19731 Tweets
新幹線運転見合わせ
• 11549 Tweets
Ruさん
• 10852 Tweets
エヴァQ
• 10691 Tweets
We’ve got a list of people who drink free at the bar.
1.Ulysses S. Grant
2.Steve Lombardozzi and Danny Espinosa (ONLY when they arrive together)
3.Dolly Parton
4.🚨NEW ADDITION🚨 Whoever runs social for
@JohnFetterman
Game recognize game.
24
193
4K
The dude collecting tips in front of the bathroom this weekend did not work here.
There will be no refunds. You all should have known.
11
130
3K
Miss the good old days when the biggest fucking idiots in DC were just squirting liquor in each other’s faces
9
173
1K
Even Dan’s got acquitted of one of our health code violations.
8
75
1K
Here’s what the historians won’t tell you: D.C. stands for Dan’s Cafe
3
121
1K
OK new menu add. Diet Mountain Dew & moonshine in a squirt bottle.
Its called the Couch Fucker
6
88
1K
Mike Johnson’s face is like your sober friend when the group wants to go to Dan’s
9
93
804
Don’t worry: if you’ve ever used our bathroom you’re immune to coronavirus
11
123
771
Good news! Dan’s now serves breakfast! Available only Friday, Saturday, Sunday mornings from 12:00am-2:00am and consists of your choice of liquor and mixer.
3
34
572
Our bartender isn’t named Dan - please stop calling him that.
15
18
527
Dudes named Oren 🚩🚩🚩🚩
2
18
512
Parades through downtown Dallas typically don’t go well
6
26
456
We want to address the rumors about pinkeye at Dan’s. Yes. You definitely got it here.
0
11
435
Broccoli asparagus guac salsa and a fuckton of carrots with tequila, yeah we’ll make that squirt bottle for anyone who orders the “
@DrOz
” this weekend
3
16
408
Our value proposition is pretty much the same as Biden’s…
✅ shockingly old
✅ kinda falling apart
✅ occasionally scares the hell out of you
✅ slow motion car wreck you can’t look away
✅ still better than all the other bullshit out there
2
28
395
Like Bloomberg, we have no good answers for all the lives we ruined in the last 25 years.
6
68
377
Didn’t realize tears and cocaine had a smell
2
12
369
Why is it always “Dan’s smells like urine” and never “urine smells like the best bar in DC”?
4
24
361
Don’t know about yall but I’m getting absolutely blasted for this press conference
1
9
365
People used to think it was cheap and reckless to sell Ukrainian vodka instead of Russian but who’s laughing now
0
31
349
Yeah but that’s not usually why people come here
0
13
344
Hope a Tetanus shot was on your bucket list too
0
8
341
Bullshit we don’t have reception in here
2
9
331
You ever go to a playground in Virginia, look around at all the parents and think to yourself “these motherfuckers we’re all at dans ten years ago”
4
11
330
Can’t wait till one of you fuckers is at a confirmation hearing screaming and crying about how much you love squirt bottles
1
36
323
Wait now do us
@BarredinDC
Any restaurant that stays in business for so long and is able to bring joy to a city and reinventing itself over the years , just it deserves our respect and admiration
@LauriolPlazaDC
I had great times there!
4
18
459
3
9
318
For today, and today only, we’re the second biggest dumpster fire in DC.
3
16
308
Dan’s
where’s a good place to drink in DC after your best friend comes down for the weekend for your birthday and her car gets stolen by children and now she’s trapped here?
@BarredinDC
@PoPville
23
6
83
3
7
306
Me when I finally meet the anonymous dude who created the
@DansCafeDC
Twitter account 7 years ago who still tricks folks today who think it's real dammit
1
0
74
1
6
297
Before you needed a shot on the way out, now you need one on the way in too.
Not that big a change in the grand scheme of things.
2
15
281
To the group in here that’s celebrating a birthday: Jesus Christ your friend deserves better
4
18
263
He’s about to start World War 3 with the same phones we got behind our bar
4
21
262
You chose to be here bitch
Waiting in line for the bathroom
@DansCafeDC
is like waiting to enter the seventh circle of hell
4
1
15
3
13
257
In case this wasn’t clear, we hope Russia is as sad, lonely, and defeated as the dudes who troll our bar after 2am
3
27
253
No we’re not moving to threads. The grodier twitter gets the more on-brand it is for us.
3
19
255
3
14
254
We open at 7.
Also, get help.
3
17
240
“Do we make a margarita squirt bottle?”
I mean, we’ve got corona, everclear and diet mountain dew, so yeah, I guess we could
3
12
235
Just don’t fucking propose here
deleting dating apps to focus on finding the loml in a shitty dive bar
72
2K
14K
0
3
235
TREASON?
“I’m Part of the Resistance Working at
@DansCafeDC
, attempting to subvert their Agenda by introducing Trivia Nights and Clean Bathrooms.”
1
1
43
1
40
216
Underestimated how many of our employees would bring a Trump NFT to the staff White Elephant
2
8
201
He said he was 21
I saw a baby mouse in the bathroom of
@DansCafeDC
and I’m upset to see them letting underage patrons in their bar
2
0
13
0
14
191
If u want to be on the Dan’s Christmas card list DM ur name address phone & credit card numbers
5
5
191
Trying to erase…that from your memory?
Drink at Dan’s. We’re probably open tonight.
0
5
192
Calling us an abandoned building would be one of our kindest reviews
Hmm,
@yelpdc
says
@DansCafeDC
is closed, is this true? Or just some random yelper walked by and thought “this is definitely an abandoned building”
1
2
11
2
29
188
You can get fined for that?
Adams Morgan club Heaven and Hell receives a $90,000 fine after outsourcing security, serving Long Island iced tea with cleaning fluid.
28
193
123
5
19
189
We’re scouring the fine print for loopholes and we think our best bet is the word “people.” Our customers don’t meet any standard definition of the word.
Latest: DC Mayor Bowser says restaurants and bars must comply with ban on gatherings of more than 250 people; nightclubs must close for the time being
2
24
32
2
21
187
You rang?
1
15
184
If u see any documents in our bathroom it’s because we’re trying to save on toilet paper
0
7
174
If you bring your intern here please remember to take them with you when you leave
0
12
171
This is like if we celebrated Clean Bathrooms Day
0
8
169
Thought the sunset from our rooftop was beautiful. Real bummer it turned out to just be a dumpster fire in the alley.
2
5
160
Dan's: the first establishment in history to get negative Michelin stars.
5
16
163
If you’re considering a New Years party at a crowded sweaty bar where you’re gonna be in line for shitty drinks all night only to go home disappointed, save the $150 and come here instead.
1
6
161
The Fuccbois have elected their new leader
1
7
161
Pro tip: some of your friends won’t want to come to Dans tonight so suggest a bar nearby and keep subtly mentioning you went to an ATM today.
2
10
160
Last time I witnessed a “debate” that terrible one of the participants puked on the pool table
1
26
160
Happy 10th Father’s Day to everyone who used those Dans Cafe branded condoms on spring break 2012
0
7
160
That motherfucker has been coming in here for squirt bottles since 1986
2
5
159
Stop DMing us about shit you left at the bar. We don’t do lost and found. Check eBay or Craigslist if it’s been more than 12 hours.
2
8
156
Anyone brave enough to use the bathroom here can use whichever they prefer
"I don't want this to happen again to any LGBTQ person in this city."
7
61
181
1
19
151
Dudes going into our bathroom after their third squirt bottle
SPARTZ: “I cannot tell you what I’m going to do on the floor right now.”
33
16
166
1
8
157
Ya know what doesn’t help the local economy?
A $330 mil resident who doesn’t drink.
3
15
152
A true accomplishment. Most of our customers don’t make it that long
0
5
146
Do you think
@BarredinDC
is a buzzkilling bot or a real live buzzkill?
POLL (asked this in June 2018) - Do you think
@DansCafeDC
twitter account is actually affiliated with Dan's Cafe?
4
0
4
1
3
145
We chose white to make the summer crowd feel more comfortable
2
7
148
Special “Commanders” squirt bottle on the menu this weekend. Pretty boring and plain. Won’t even have liquor in it - just Diet Coke and ice.
Honestly just go to a bar with a drink called the Raven or something. Fuck.
1
11
145
We close Sunday-Wednesday so Game of Thrones can film the dungeon scenes in here
2
20
140
Things we did not except to outlive:
-The 90s
-Brass Monkey
-The Redskins
-Biggie
-The relevance of Twitter
1
4
144
Dives And Neighborhood Saloons Promoting Aggressive Consumption (DANS PAC) gonna fuck up some local elections
1
13
141
Since half of y’all want to cal your animals “fur babies”, we’ll now be referring to children as “skin pets”
0
12
139
Very grateful for this website. Instagram is not kind to bars like ours.
1
2
139
Critical dive bar theory is that you’re at a shitty dive bar because of a long series of shitty things you’ve done and said long before the isolated shitty decision to come to our bar.
We find this to be true.
0
7
138
Swear to god if we don’t get to 8,000 followers before this thing goes to shit I’m going to be furious
3
8
132
First timers
1
6
134
Y’all I think it’s time we reveal whose been running this account…
5
6
134
Your ex-husband stayed out late in the city a few too many times, huh?
1
2
135
Add “wears a backpack with a suit” to the top of his list of red flags
🚨Rep.-elect George Santos has arrived on Capitol Hill
He did not answer multiple questions, only telling me he will vote for Kevin McCarthy for speaker.
813
704
3K
2
8
128