Philipp Kostelecky (@PhilComedy on IG)
@CheeseCakePCK
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Following
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Statuses
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Stand-up Comedian 😎
Philippdelphia
Joined November 2015
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Pinned Tweet
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
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Just delivered an absolute fire joke in the work teams chat. I consider this to be the corporate version of a standing ovation
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I tried doing this as an adult, and let me tell you the results, they’re not the same! I don’t if you’ve ever confused a whole office so much that they almost snap out of conciseness by sneezing, no one noticing and then to save face going “what? no bless yous for Philipp?”
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@ajcbos
that's a pretty great ratio honestly, this was 18 (eventually 20) on a 100 person group
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Here’s a little stand-up clip about having a French Girlfriend :)
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@ParadigmCityy
They were actually totally cool with, they know about tweet popping off as well :)
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This tweet is doing fairly well, so if you like this and you’re thinking: hey what a fun whimsical anecdote, I wonder if this man has any more stories like this? or maybe even jokes or full stand-up routines? The answers is yes, so if you wanna give me a follow :) (👇👇👇)
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It took me a few months but I finally completed the LEGO Death Star... (after it exploded)
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It took me a few months but I finally completed the LEGO Death Star... (after it exploded)
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So this tweet is doing alright, if you wanna hear my actual jokes, not the ones I have to block out in order not to get fired why not come see me at one of my shows :)
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If this comment gets 6k likes I’ll post the joke :)
I will warn you it will require a lot of context haha
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First of all here’s my link tree, so if you’re curious about me you can just check me out there:
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Here’s a clip from my Podcast Philipp and Phriends. It’s a podcast all about friendship :)
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It’s been nice to see so many people retweet this, here’s some other tweets of mine that I think are funny :)
It took me a few months but I finally completed the LEGO Death Star... (after it exploded)
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I don’t think public speaking is that scary, if anything I think private speaking is far scarier. Has anyone ever gone up to you and said, ‘Hey, can I speak to you privately for a second?’. Now that’s terrifying!
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Sometimes my girlfriend says “touch me like you love me” so I pat her on the shoulder and say “I’m proud of you son”
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Showing my housemate things they've never seen 🥰 was so beautiful to experience this together
@fredasquith
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Sending my thoughts and prayers to the thousands of planes that crash every year in toddlers’ mouths
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Sending my thoughts and prayers to the thousands of planes that crash every year in toddlers’ mouths
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Sometimes my girlfriend says “touch me like you love me” so I pat her on the shoulder and say “I’m proud of you son”
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By the window: who is that? is he an artist or a writer?
In the middle of the restaurant: that waiter is the only person he’s spoken to today.
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Here’s a few other tweets of mine for people to enjoy:
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
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I used to think I liked going to restaurants by myself but then I realised I really just like sitting by the window. I went to a restaurant today and sat in the middle of the place and I don’t think I’ve ever looked so alone
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When you find out it’s officially called the “Commonwealth of Pennsylvania”
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I'll also be at the
@edfringe
with the
@StandComedyClub
doing my hour stand-up show, tickets below 👇
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POV: Citymapper suggesting bus routes in London today
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And here’s a clip of some Stand-up too
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The north of Wales just looks like a little girl pointing at Ireland
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The people who designed the Tower of Pisa got really lucky that after it started leaning so many strong people came to visit it to push it back up again
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Sending my thoughts and prayers to the thousands of planes that crash every year in toddlers’ mouths
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Please come along on Thursday and Friday. The flooding in Slovenia has barely been in the news anywhere so it would mean so much to me as well if you would share this tweet. You can donate directly with the link the comment to this tweet. Tickets in my bio 🇸🇮
Philipp Kostelecky’s proceeds for his performances of Daddy’s Home on Thursday & Friday this week will be donated to relief efforts in Slovenia
Extreme flooding has affected the lives of many in the country 🇸🇮 Make sure to book via the stand website
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There’s this old woman at my work who always covers the printer in a big cloth before we leave the office. So that means every morning I get to whip that bad boy off like I’m unveiling a Cadillac in a show room
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Also, if you’re feeling generous I do copywriting for the
@BioGroupers
they’re a fantastic charity which helps protect overlooked species across the global. Here’s a link to donate to them :)
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So here it is, the joke that got me 18 laughing emojis finally revealed! We talk about it in more detail in the full episode of Philipp and Phriends now available on Spotify
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I saw a woman on a train reading a book called “The Power of Letting Go” while she was holding on to the hand rail. Maybe it takes a few more chapters for the message to sink in
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My dentist told me that my teeth are too sensitive and I said, “maybe you should shut the hell up”
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USA: We have the best counter-surveillance and counter-intelligence in the world.
Some dude in China:
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Family is important. Because they’re the only people who know exactly what you’ve been through, and that’s mainly because they caused half of it
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Very honoured to be included in the
@edinburghpaper
‘s list of top 13 shows to see at this years
@edfringe
for my show
@StandComedyClub
I squeezed right in there at the end at lucky number 13!
If you wanna buy tickets to my show click the link below:
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*MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT - PLEASE RETWEET*
I’m beyond excited to announce that I’ll be recording my award-nominated show at
@ComedyWestEnd
on the 19th of October. I gotta fill it twice in one night so please come along and bring friends :)
Ticket links are in the thread 👇
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English doesn’t make any sense, the plural of goose is geese. So with that logic the sequel to Foot Loose should be Feet Leese
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The people who designed the Tower of Pisa got really lucky that after it started leaning so many strong people came to visit it to push it back up again
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ohh my god, this is so embarrassing, I just called my mom my teacher’s name. In front of my whole family! 😳
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Timothée Chalamet’s Agent finds out Timothée has been working out
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You can also follow me on Instagram here :)
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I don’t know if this counts as being socially awkward but I just went up to a man at the bus stop holding a pineapple and said:
“Pineapple?”
“Yeah?”
“Ha ha, nice!”
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When you’re a gym bro but also an old-school romantic
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lip-syncing with the baby crying behind me on the plane
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My Boss: Why are you so good at typing with one hand?
Me “Working From Home”
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It’s been a busy tiring week but I’ve achieved a lot so I can’t wait to get home and have a nice good rest on these bad boys
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I’m super happy to announce my show has been nominated for an Amused Moose Comedy Awards 🫎🏆
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And if you’re feeling really generous you can buy me a Ko-Fi below every little helps me a little as a stand-up trying to make it, but absolutely no pressure at all :)
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Yesterday was Father's Day. But today... today is Daddy's Day. Very excited to be doing my first hour show at this years
@edfringe
with the
@StandComedyClub
- 4pm everyday tickets below 👇
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For a second I thought this was a giant vacuum cleaner
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I want someone who looks at me the way two buses drivers look at each other when they drive past one another
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Is there a unit of measurement for the time it takes a washing machine to stop, to when it then unlocks and let’s you take the laundry out?
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I feel like the seconds before you can click “skip add” are a different unit of measurement from our normal time. They live in the same world as the “1 min” remaining on a dishwasher
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If you love speech, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn’t, buy a huge social media company or something lol
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My first-ever comedy special comes out on January 15th 2024 at 7pm. Filmed and edited by the wonderful people
@BlueSmokeComedy
you can pre-order it now on my website using the link below. I'm super excited for you all to see it :3
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I’m gonna change my stage name to “Intermission” to really confuse the audience, performers, and show managers at gigs
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Here are my January dates if you wanna come along
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If you’re the most successful person in a room, find a different room. But then you would just end up having 1 person in each room, who would either leave or stay when someone enters depending on their success level. Seems like you’d end up spending a lot of time in the hallway
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I don’t know if I feel depressed or if I’m just tired and hungry.
*eats a banana and takes a nap*
Uhh ohh :(
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Girls on Instagram A boy who
when it’s their best befriends a
friend’s birthday white dragon
🤝
The Neverending Story
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Well well well, this is something now isn’t it :D
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The first review has come through for my show and it's a wonderful ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ from
@festmag
It's 2-4-1 tickets today so now's a great, and very affordable, time to come and see the show! Ticket link below:
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Batman asking Alfred if he can stay up past his bedtime
🦇
👉👈
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Whenever I go to the gym and I see guys lifting huge weights I think “man I wish I was that strong“ but I wonder if those men look at my little weights and think “man I wish I had that much free time”
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this osteopath seems a bit intense, making you literally race against your own skeleton
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How I feel when I mix my yogurt pot with fruit at the bottom
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Anyone wanna come round mine to watch BoJo’s announcement?
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Here’s the joke in case anyone was curious :)
So here it is, the joke that got me 18 laughing emojis finally revealed! We talk about it in more detail in the full episode of Philipp and Phriends now available on Spotify
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Can anyone help me? How do you read a lateral flow test result, is this negative? xx
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@sadia_azmats_
and I are launching a new night
@billmurraypub
with
@angelcomedy
called Melting Pot Comedy. We've got an amazing line-up with headliner
@NathanCaton
so please come along cause it's gonna be an amazing night and for £5 it's a steal!
…
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Me looking at the Next Episode button on Netflix after binge watching the first 8 episodes of
#DriveToSurvive
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Fish don’t say goodbye they say “tartar for now”
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May the 4th falls on a Wednesday so that means all the Jedi have to wear pink
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Daddy-P on the BBC 📺 tomorrow, 10pm GMT
Felt very honoured to be selected for the BBC New Comedy Awards alongside such talent peeps. Watch it tomorrow to see if I make it through 👀
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I eat internet cables to maintain a high fibre diet
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They say if you’re feeling nervous or anxious you should ground yourself. But I don’t know how sending myself to my room and no TV is going to make me feel better
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“this packet contains 600 calories”
not anymore hehehe nom nom
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Absolut vodka corrupts absolutly
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My work teams chats are getting incredibly existential
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Whoop whoop! Thanks
@SRA
and
@InsanityRadio
. Biggest thanks to
@LivieWoodrow
(11 seconds before the deadline!)
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Alright fair I won’t ask, but why are you serving all of us a ridiculous amount of peas with spaghetti and a wedge of lemon on the side? what even is this dish?
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