๐ง๐ถ James Masterton ๐๏ธ
@ChartUpdate
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I write about the charts for fun and profit. Why be a song when you can be a symphony. Member of the 80%.
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Joined September 2012
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You can also all follow me on Snarfegargle where I post as Boneclart5464.
All the good usernames were already taken, sorry.
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@fesshole
All the people shouting "thief" should be aware that two years of use for an item of electronics is well within legal precedents for "merchantable quality" and the manufacturer would have cheerfully swapped out the faulty unit if asked, warranty notwithstanding.
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@fesshole
Unless he's five years old, any boyfriend who can't wipe his own arse properly probably isn't a keeper.
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There's the intriguing possiblity that Paul McCartney may have the No.1 album for Christmas, exactly 20 years since he last did so (1 by The Beatles) and 51 years since he did with an album of new material (Abbey Road by The Beatles).
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@Independent
so when I die of cancer I'll die happy because I've had a bacon sandwich. The whole of life is fatal. Let's just enjoy it.
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@fesshole
The world is divided into two groups of people.
Those who like Van Morrison and those who have met him.
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I'm giving Shania Twain ten minutes to be less bloody awful or I'm off.
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FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEBODY STAGE A FOOTBALL MATCH THAT THIS MAN CAN GO REPORT ON
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Chart nerds stat of the week:
Peru by Fireboy DML and Ed Sheeran this week becomes only the fourth single in chart history to spend four consecutive weeks at No.6.
Full Chart Watch piece coming soon...
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@NoContextBrits
"Mummy, why was I born?"
"Well Daddy was feeling randy and the Queen had just died, so..."
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I'm enormously entertained by the fact that the only artists to appear on both Now 11 and Now 111 are Elton John and Kylie Minogue.
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@TheGreenParty
"sorry sir, we can't nick the man who stabbed you, we've already exceeded our quota of Belgians for today".
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@TheGreenParty
are you saying police should only arrest people in proportion to demographics rather than based on actual crimes committed?
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@anon_opin
Every man who has witnessed the 20 deep queue for the ladies cubicles at a busy event thanks the lord on high for the invention of the urinal.
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@teaforpterosaur
Bit of a strange roundabout way of saying she wants anal. I suspect all she has to do is ask.
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@fesshole
Console yourself with idea that somewhere there's a lady telling friends she is glad to have moved away and now free of the attentions of the creepy bloke who kept staring at her from his kitchen window.
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5) Just warned, it has been a very quiet week for brand new hits.
The highest new entry on the chart is way down at Number 51, Love Lies by
@thegreatkhalid
and
@NormaniKordei
. But that's destined to be far bigger in the weeks to come, watch for it.
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Incidentally you should all go listen to Dynamite by BTS. It will lift your heart and soul at the start of a rather sodden bank holiday weekend.
Public service announcement.
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@DavidLammy
I have indeed lobbied my MP and told him to respect the democratic will of the people. He agrees with me and will do so.
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@HansonBenj
@fesshole
This happened to me too. And I now brush each patch of grass with my feet to ensure no camouflaged amphibians are lurking.
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In case you are wondering (surely nobody is), Honey G missed the Top 100 altogether with her single. Oops.
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@MarcherLord1
I want to see the civil service worst case scenario planning for when John McDonnell becomes Prime Minister.
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@anon_opin
The numbers refer to the number of times an original sheet of A0 (1 square metre) has to be folded in half to make the new size. So an A5 sheet is an A4 folded for a fifth time.
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3) The highest new entry of the week belongs to another of Britain's finest.
@zaynmalik
leaps to Number 20 with his brand new single Let Me.
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Anyone who imagines chart positions don't matter to fans need only take a glance at the fury erupting online over the way they feel the 5 Seconds Of Summer album was robbed by Billboard of topping the albums chart in the USA.
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I grow more in love with BTS' Dynamite with every passing day. In a year of fabulous pop records it is one of the best so far.
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@teaforpterosaur
Happy to have taken one for the team on your behalf. I've no reputation left to sully while yours is preserved.
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@fesshole
The gag is only complete when you return them all en masses at a time of your choosing.
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Erasure's Take A Chance On Me stands tall as the most significant cover version of any song in history. Every bit of the subsequent reappraisal, encompassing Mamma Mia, Voyage and everything in between owes its entire existence to this single. Suddenly ABBA were cool
#TOTP
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The British voted for Israel to win. Makes me so damn proud of my countrymen. Hate never wins.
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@paulwtrueman
@sharonlhanley
@BootsUK
@EverydaySexism
@letclothesbe
@PinkstinksUK
Hey Paul, I have two kids. The girl imagines she's a princess, the boy adores superheroes. I don't see the problem here.
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4) Another massive new entry at No.5. The coolest man on the planet
@zaynmalik
lands with the epic Dusk Till Dawn. With Sia ably assisting.
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@LBC
I agreed with her comments. Motherhood helps to make her a balanced and we'll rounded person. I'll be voting for her. So will others.
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@louisebrealey
reading this over breakfast this morning, but a bit worried I didn't seek your permission first. Can I call you next time?
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@thebellow
Look on the upside. Soon you'll be able to enter a central London pub after 6pm and still get a seat.
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@fesshole
Amateurish.
Next time photocopy a pen onto a full ream of paper and then reinstall the paper in the tray.
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@theguyliner
@Holbornlolz
I wish I were my story, but a friend was literally still in bed with a girl he'd pulled on a Freshers Week bar crawl when she received the "missing you terribly" flowers from her boyfriend back home.
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@petepaphides
They won trophies in style
With Roman A's cash pile
Back in 2003
Now the team's on the slide
Because Putin's inside
Another small country...!
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Today marks the 35th anniversary of this Top Of The Pops performance saving the lives of the Four Tops.
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Music industry conspiracy theory: every British single released from this moment on has been carefully timed to ensure eligibility for inclusion on Now That's What I Call Music! Volume 100.
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@make_trouble
I love the idea that I'm supposed to be enthusiastic at the prospect of giving up my spare time to debate the local sewers with the woman over the road.
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@Jeremy_Hunt
Me neither. But that is my job as a parent to prevent it. It has nothing to do with the state. So back off.
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@HowlandRobin
@Ninjamoose69
Makes me proud to be British. Nothing gets between us and our bacon sandwiches. I'd have told plod to piss off and reached for the ketchup. ๐
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@MarcherLord1
We are living in a bizarro world where left wing ranters are raging at the "extreme right wing" government for not being nearly totalitarian enough.
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Carol Kenyon performed vocals on three genuine bangers:
Temptation by Heaven 17.
Don't Waste My Time by Paul Hardcastle
Madam Butterfly by Malcolm McLaren
But she has barely any credit on any of them.
#totp
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@Trailer_Swift69
For something to be libellous or defamatory it has to be shown to be injurious to the reputation of the person in question or lower their standing in the eyes of right thinking people.
A convicted criminal has no reputation to speak of and cannot in any sense be defamed.
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If you believe in the concept of threads linking things together, then there's an entire generation of British music talent linked by a common one. Sheeran, Stormzy, Dave, Rita, Emeli and countless others. All had Jamal Edwards and SBTV film them when they were relative unknowns.
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I think it is important we all take time out today to appreciate the sheer pointlessness of the McFly personnel timeline from Wikipedia.
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@fesshole
Thank you for your correspondence.
This matter is receiving my attention.
Kind regards.
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@SkipLicker
@mountzioncoffee
1) Enter shop
2) Place order for largest drink
3) Await production
4) Prepare to pay
5) Spot sign
6) Exit
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Today a radio station moves offices. And that conjures up a great many memories. Here are some of mine:
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@AlanKelloggs
See also music fans. I've had 20 years of people whining "pop music aimed at 15 year olds these days is utter crap and incomprehensible to me. It was much better twenty years ago . When I was 15".
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The complete 1999 acoustic Songwriters' Circle performance by Roddy Frame, Graham Gouldman and Neil Finn.
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@PaulBrandITV
NOBODY CARES.
I'm embarrassed for the state of British journalism. 101 things you could be chasing the government down about and you focus on a supposed party a full year ago. It's pathetic. This is why I stopped caring about the news.
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@Welshracer
@fesshole
This reminds me of a notorious news blooper:
Anchor: "Can you see and hear me ok?"
David Blunkett: "Well, I can hear you."
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I employ the guy in the costume on
#onlyconnect
You should see the stuff he's turned up to work wearing.
I'm not even joking.
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@JustMissEmma
I cannot speak for everyone else on this thread, but I'm almost crying with joy on your behalf.
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@teaforpterosaur
If someone was so moved to write a five tweet essay about why they weren't going to be friends with me any more I'd be both flattered that I had such an impact on their life for the short time I was in it and also be quite glad to be shot of such a self regarding bore.
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They wanted to pre record the performance as they had a plane home to catch.
The producer insisted they stay for the live recording and they grumpily acquiesced.
It meant they got a later flight and their original booking of Pan Am Flight 103 took off without them.
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@deathofbuckley
Which bit of this am I supposed to find problematic? In the absence of compassion from the evil murderer, why shouldn't her family say sorry instead?
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@soilysound
@mlothianmclean
Indeed to be more pedantic the money was raised for NHS _charities_ not the NHS itself. These fund ancillary activities such as lodges for parents of sick children or the activities of ward visitors. No money raised by Capt Tom was needed or used for clinical proposes.
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@SkipLicker
remember when it was really important everyone had more time to register to vote? Now it is important to ignore those who did.
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@BurnsideNotTosh
@TheOnlyGuru
That's monstrously unfair. She was also part of this great moment in British politics.
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@jonsnowC4
for an experienced political journalist you have a remarkably poor grasp of the way representative democracies operate.
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@habibi_uk
Tesco of course, the grocers literally founded by a Jewish man from Hackney. The 'co' stands for 'Cohen'.
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The bad pianist at the grand Prix has made Les Dawson trend and we should all be overjoyed at this.
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The Chart Watch UK - Hits of 1989 book.
If you don't believe me when I tell you how good it is, take a listen to this guy. He knows.
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@perrigame
"Mummy, how did you and Daddy meet?"
"I didn't know Daddy until he sent me a picture of his genitals over the internet for no apparent reason. I knew at that moment I was destined to spend the rest of my life with him."
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@eff_mr6862
@MarcherMedia1
Labour actually polled fewer votes last night than they did at the 2019 GE. Down by 6,000. SNP voters haven't switched, they just stayed at home and sat on their hands.
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@OliviaFranceska
It is almost as if dust accumulates in property that has been unoccupied for four weeks.
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@ianberriman
@fesshole
This is reminiscent of the glory days of QOTW on B3ta where someone would relate an anecdote and wags would fall over themselves racing to post the same story from the perspective of the other party.
"I lived near to a club and someone once puked through my letterbox" etc.
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@anon_opin
It is hard to respect a game that takes a week to play only for the participants to go "fuck it, call it a draw" if they still haven't finished.
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Belatedly watching TOTP The Story of 1987. Carol Decker revealed that her burglar alarm code was 43-19-5-1 because that was the chart run of China In Your Hand. I genuinely nerdgasmed.
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On behalf of everyone stuck on trains outside London Bridge due to a "trespasser" can I suggest you just run the bastards over and let the rest of us get on with our day?
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And yet as tedious as it is for every song in the charts to have a "feature", adding Mariah Carey to the track shows into sharp relief what yes...and? was originally lacking. A second voice.
It was good before. The jump-on makes it better.
I'm not sure how I feel about that.
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@looksunfamiliar
@outonbluesix
Our first Teletext television. October 1982. With it's quirky landscape remote control.
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BTW if you want a new album to listen to, I can thoroughly recommend Brits And Pieces II, a labour of love from
@BritsPieces
showcasing some amazing independent artists. The first big exposure for many of them.
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@jamesinsurrey
Once upon a time I confess I did feel unsafe in women's toilets. The fear of discovery and arrest was tangible. But no more! And there's even a sign to validate me ๐
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Fun coincidence of the week:
The first Number One artist born in the 1980s and the first born in the 2000s were both called Billie.
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James Arthur tops the charts with an almost equal split of sales and streams, which is itself rather notable.
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@AlanKelloggs
Fascinating building the Ecuadorian Embassy. Five years without a full evacuation fire drill.
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