🎃 A Fate Worse Than Beth ☠️
@CesPetitsRiens
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I have measured out my life with coffee spoons. Also a metre ruler. And, in one ill-fated attempt, a thermometer. Failed showgirl.
Joined September 2013
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Pinned Tweet
Nice they’ve got two Emergency Camillas prepared in case anything happens to the first one
#Coronation
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It’s odd seeing James Acaster be in a proper Hollywood film, like if your cousin got famous.
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Che Diaz is your friend’s awful partner who you tolerate and are polite to in anticipation of the glorious moment when they’ve broken up and you can share all the times they annoyed you.
#AndJustLikeThat
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Perfectly normal country. There is one man inside that thing, who’s using it to commute to work through Hyde Park.
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All jokes aside, is there ANYONE on this hellsite who has been invited to the wedding of
#GeorgeOsborne
? I will pay you to live tweet it.
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Your regular reminder that
#ValeryGiscarddEstaing
wrote a novel about a passionate extramarital affair between the French President and the beautiful, lonely “Princess Patricia of Cardiff”, in which they have sex on the train on the way to D-Day commemorations.
#EntenteCordiale
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Watching Amanda Holden sing and thinking maybe it’s not such a bad thing if theatres never come back.
#MusicalsTheGreatestShow
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Browsing in a bookshop and there’s a man unironically wearing a monocle. Everyone always said I’d know immediately when I met The One.
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I regret to inform you that my father has resumed his practice of waiting until the nerdiest bloke appears on the screen of
#UniversityChallenge
and saying “Didn’t you go out with him once?”
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My Russian teacher texted from Minsk to offer her support and I was trying to explain ‘Football’s coming home’ and fell into a verbs of motion trap, establishing that football «идёт домой» because it’s one-way rather than multidirectional or a regular trip.
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Just had cause to remember when a first date went horribly wrong because I asked the guy what he did and he told me he worked for a major arms dealer, marketing to Saudi Arabia, was a Met special constable and a landlord and I remarked out loud “Wow, the bastard trio”.
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Walking past the park, I see teenage couples passionately kissing and it just takes me back to when I was 17 and used to walk past the park and see teenage couples passionately kissing.
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Sometimes I shout out the correct answer but my parents don’t acknowledge it so I have to give myself a lil “woohoo” out loud to make sure everyone knows.
#UniversityChallenge
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Came to Southend to watch
#UniversityChallenge
and
#OnlyConnect
with mum and dad partly because it’s fun and partly because the approving nods when I get the questions right give me a ‘Bethany is a pleasure to teach’ dopamine feast sadly deprived to me in my day to day adult life
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There’s a story that, at Thatcher’s request, Downing St asked the Palace to set up a system to co-ordinate outfits before any events at which both she and the queen would be present. A terse reply from the Palace said: “Her Majesty does not notice what other people are wearing”.
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Love the
#antiquesroadshow
“My grandmother was so fortunate as to be the lady’s maid to Her Grace the Duchess Carrington. And, on her death bed, with no one else present, she said to my grandmother “Take the Caravaggio, love””.
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It’s upsetting just how happy I am when it’s sunny. I’m basically just a plant with notions.
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Met guy who re-enacted Napoleonic Wars. They all kept coming as Napoleon so 50 Napoleons, no soldiers. So they set up rota of whose turn it was to be Napoleon. But men wouldn’t show up if they weren’t Napoleon so they ruled you had to do X no of weeks as a soldier to be Napoleon.
I almost certainly came across this fella on eHarmony.
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Was in a cab on the way to a meeting and a colleague made us stop because it was “an emergency” and then he went into the
@LRBbookshop
and what kind of emergency necessitates a trip to the LRB bookshop?!
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Adulthood is nothing but a slow process of realising how incredibly hot Lillith is.
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*Yelling up stairs*
“DAAAD, are you intense or sensual?”
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My greatest fear in life is sitting in a courtroom as a barrister reads one of my Tweets back to me.
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Oh no noooo nooooo, John Robinson is on
#OnlyConnect
When he was on
#UniversityChallenge
I tweeted about him in a lustful, thigh-stroking kinda way and his fiancée replied, that was fun.
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I’m increasingly convinced that Jools Holland filmed all of these Hootenannies years ago and just puts them out year by year.
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For anyone suffering from imposter syndrome, Liz Truss is Prime Minister.
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@salisbot
We’re just lucky they’ve had time to pivot from their previous careers of being experts in the Ukraine war, Russian politics and infectious airborne diseases.
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“My wife and I saw you from across the bar and we really dig your vibe…”
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I almost certainly came across this fella on eHarmony.
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I whined at my parents for not putting up a Christmas tree so instead they’ve bought *checks notes* a massive LED penguin for putting presents under.
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I love
#AntiquesRoadshow
"No, no, no, we couldn't possibly. Sell Grandma's beloved necklace?! Purchased by our war hero grandfather?! Noooo, we just wanted to know the value for insurance, but it could never match the sentimental value".
Six months later: "We went to Antigua".
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O’Connor there dressed as that twat you met in Freshers Week who’d gone somewhere hot and exotic on their gap year and was still wearing the clothes despite being in Bristol in October.
#UniversityChallenge
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Watching
#UniversityChallenge
with the parents. This is good. I’m pathetically grateful to have someone give me an approving nod when I shout out a correct answer.
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It’s only plywood, a nifty Scout should be able to get him out if so inclined.
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Finally watched ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’. Love how the terrible fates are a child being poisoned, a child drowning, a man going to prison for 20 yrs, a town becoming a den of iniquity and sin, a platoon of soldiers perishing and *checks notes* a woman becoming a librarian.
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Lads. My mother wants to do The Queue. So, to make my mother happy and ensure she doesn’t have to do it alone, I am going to do The Queue. This is not a drill. I am going to do The Queue. I mean it.
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Girls with boyfriends in their 40s and 50s! Oasis, The Cure, Radiohead and Blur memorabilia were all just featured on
#AntiquesRoadshow
Send him a link, watch a grown man cry.
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Closing down my Times subscription (to use the work one) and I was asked if there was anything I particularly liked or they could’ve done better so I said I always liked the articles of that young
@j_amesmarriott
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At this time of year, spare a thought for those who are spending Christmas alone, passing the entire day without seeing a single relatives. Lucky bastards.
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If you think this is bad, wait for Winter. A socially distanced Christmas. As opposed to the emotionally distanced one we usually have.
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Also, this was me being quiz mistress last night.
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All I want is an alternative
#AntiquesRoadshow
where we’re shown the clips of people who’ve spent a fortune on total trash of no discernible interest.
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I’ve met Dominic Raab a few times and while he may seem a bit stand-offish and odd when you first meet him, when you spend more time with him and get to know him a bit better, you realise it’s a very different story and he’s actually completely fucking terrifying.
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So I went to a bar to work late, figuring this was less depressing than working late in the office or at home. I’m the only person in the entire bar and they have a singer. She has to sing if there’s anyone here and so is singing Adele songs directly to me as I work on my laptop.
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If anything, I enjoy having very few followers and even fewer Likes. It’s giving me a whole ‘unappreciated in my own lifetime’ vibe. Maybe this is like Van Gogh and people will like my Tweets when I’m dead.
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I do remember going on a second date some years ago and the man mentioned discussing me with his mother and I must've looked surprised because he said "What? Haven't you told your parents about me?" and I replied "Only in the sense of knowing who to go after should I go missing".
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Further to my previous Tweet, the Japanese cult who claim to communicate with Thatcher’s spirit conducted a psychic conversation with her 19 hours after she died. And they published it as a book. And they’re selling it on Westminster Bridge. And it’s the best £5 I’ve ever spent.
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Height related problem - a clearly stressed out schoolteacher just tried to push me on a coach of schoolchildren aged approx 14.
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Your regular reminder I went on a date with a guy who re-enacted Napoleonic battles. They all wanted to be Napoleon so set up a rota but guys wouldn’t show up if it wasn’t their day so they ruled you had to do a certain number of weekends as a soldier before you could be Napoleon
The last thing I'll say about it: he said he chose his new girlfriend over me partly because 'you laughed at my interests'. But his interests were mainly dressing up as a soldier from the 1650s and fighting a pretend English Civil War. Anyone would have laughed at that, right?!
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Guys, had odd evening. Went to party at Pushkin House to pick up my Russian exams certificate & it turns out I received the highest marks at hardest level so I was the last to be called forward and when everyone saw me they let out an involuntary “Aww”, I suspect due to my height
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All this talk of
#HollyandPhil
is reminding me of a Russian friend living in London who observed that, for the British, queue jumping is worse than murder because murder can sometimes be justified (self-defence etc) while queue jumping can never be justified.
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I’m having some people over for dinner tonight so my mother has phoned with a list of suggested improvements based upon the flaws she’s detected in my previous hospitality. My personal favourite - “I have unfortunately noticed some Tesco ingredients slipping in”.
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What nobody tells you about grief is just how idiotic it is. I’m going to Oxford next week for my friend’s funeral and thought “I’ll phone Liz while I’m in town, organise a dinner”.
Then remembered why I’m going.
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@chrisbrooke
@ProfChalmers
@thhamilton
I secretly believe Boris is putting out these rumours to Peston deliberately and then changing at the last minute once he’s seen he’s Tweeted.
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@j_amesmarriott
I feel like the second photo is you after a ‘Princess Diaries’ style makeover.
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Was in a restaurant with someone who asked me to explain the Ukraine situation and, twenty minutes later, the diners at the next table asked if I could keep it down as I was “ruining their meal”.
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Sat on tube, man in 50s stood in front of me, staring very intensely. Feeling guilty, I offered him my seat. He hastily refused & shuffled away & I now realise he was staring in a creepy way, not a “give me your seat” way, & I’ve sparked a massive existential crisis in that man.
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Wasn’t d’Estaing the one who’d go to his mistresses and leave notes about his whereabouts in case of an emergency?! “If the Soviets invade, I’m at Sophie’s”.
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I love it when you’re trying to come up with a new password and it randomly shouts “WEAK” at you, because it reminds me of Sundays at home with Mother.
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Saw Corset Pervert talking to a younger than me blonde woman who was offering him a polite, fixed smile and, what’s worse, when I got in the office all my colleagues had seen it too and were yelling “Beth, that pervert is cheating on you”.
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Me giving unsolicited music recommendations: Haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!!
Me receiving unsolicited music recommendations: Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck.
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I mean, jokes aside - I’m not actually talking to myself, but there was a funny moment when I asked the waitress for a table for one and she replied, entirely seriously, that she didn’t think it was allowed.
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In a job interview this year, I said this would happen and the panel all gave me a look and said it would never happen and such is my pettiness I’m genuinely tempted to send an email.
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My boss gave me this and, while it’s undeniably lovely, I do feel like eating Louis Vuitton chocolate is the last thing you do before the pitchfork mob breaks through the window to carry you off to a revolutionary tribunal overseen by Robespierre himself.
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Tonight Paddington station is going to look like the last flight out of Saigon.
#PressConference
#Tier4
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I got my friend a ‘validation’ facial as a gift, thinking it was just a name, and she’s told me that, no word of a lie, it was a regular facial but the beautician kept whispering to her things like “you are enough”, “you deserve love”, “you will be prosperous”, “peace”.
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We shared a slice of birthday cake and he asked what’s the oldest man I’ve dated. I told him the truth and he stared off into the middle distance and didn’t answer to his name three times
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DOES HE:
- not return your calls?
- blame you for things that aren’t your fault?
- only give you enough artillery shells for a week’s worth of fighting?
- make you retreat from Bakhmut?
These are classic signs you’re in an abusive relationship with the Russian Defence Ministry.
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Ladies, invest £20 in a decent bunch of flowers, get dressed up and spend the night travelling on different tubes staring down lovingly at the flowers and then giving pitying looks to the women nearby.
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A woman at the event was drunkenly complaining that she desperately wants to get pregnant but she’s 42 so I slid over telling her the story of a woman who came off the pill at 42 believing she was too old to get pregnant and 30 years later here I am & frankly I’ve been a delight.
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Guys I’m really scared they’re saying loss of taste can be a sign of COVID and I’ve now got this sudden urge to listen to Phil Collins and
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Mum sent me a card saying I’m beautiful “inside”. 😕
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A friend of mine went to the KGB museum in Vilnius in the early 90s and was shown around by ex prisoners so when I was there last week, I asked the guy in the kiosk “Are you an ex prisoner here?” He looked outraged and said “I’M 42!!!”
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It’s gonna be fun when we get to Summer and everyone’s vaccinated and I discover that Coronavirus isn’t the reason why I’ve had no social life for a year.
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My boss sent someone a very angry email and has now instructed me to phone that person and a) check that they received the email and b) find out how they feel about it.
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My unpopular opinion is that on Antiques Roadshow when they say “Grandmother was so fortunate as to work for Lady Ashill and on her deathbed Her Ladyship said grandmother could keep this Caravaggio as thanks for her service”, actually grandma nicked it as the old girl conked out.
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There’s something vaguely humiliating about having a birthday when you’re older. Being at your desk and colleagues saying ‘happy birthday’. Being sung at. Offering cake around the break room. Putting on the special birthday hat and leading the conga around the kitchen.
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Lads, I’m walking past the Albert hall and one of those fluffy tricycle things that blast music and that tourists ride comes alongside me, transporting one man who’s about 60, wearing a suit and looking absolutely livid about being in it.
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Regular readers will be glad to know I’m back at the hotel where I once taught the bartenders how to make Negroni in French and IT IS LITERALLY ON THE MENU
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As someone who analyses Russian foreign policy for a living, there does come a stage where you just go “You know what, fuck knows, your guess is as good as mine”.
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My family were annoyed with me working on holiday so they put out some crisps and Diet Coke and put on Christmas University Challenge and waited for me to slowly migrate over like leaving apples out for deer.
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The bars on Portobello Road are doing takeaway cocktails in little plastic cups.
Oh fine. Fiiine. Fiiiiiine. So now it’s cool to walk the streets drinking from a plastic cup filled with hard liquor but last year it was “symptomatic of a problem, Beth”.
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Overheard: two women who clearly know one another meet by chance in Holland Park. After the initial pleasantries, one says: “Anyway, it’s so lovely to see you in these unprecedented times”.
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I still can’t quite believe that we are sending people back to work and risking their lives for the sake of Pret A Manger.
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Went for a walk and found the house where William Holman Hunt and Cetshwayo King of the Zulus lived.
Not at the same time, though. Even though that would’ve made an amazing sitcom.
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Book launch. I was introduced to a legendarily famous writer and broadcaster and, as he shook my hand, for some reason I curtsied and I thought I got away with it until he shouted “YOU CURTSIED”.
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