Catherine Wilkins
@Catiewilkins
Followers
8,901
Following
1,754
Media
760
Statuses
23,398
Comedy. Writing. YA & children’s author. Live gigs on website link. Latest book YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME is up for a #Lollie2024 . Photo by @idilsukan
The alternate time-line where we're still in the EU
Joined January 2009
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علي النبي
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Hayırlı Cumalar
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UPPOOM NEW JOURNEY
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Botswana
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AL GREEN CARPET
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iQIYI x MANDEEWORK
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JOONGDUNK x iQIYITH
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キティちゃん
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#يوم_الجمعه
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LMSY AFFAIR X IQIYI IJOY
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ミリオン
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キャラクリ
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モンハン
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KICC
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PRABOWO Wujudkan NKRI Maju
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ヴェノム
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スペック
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スーパーカブ
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Toussaint
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Pinned Tweet
Sign in Doctor's surgery said, "Cancer Doesn't Discriminate." I thought, 'blimey, even cancer is trying to distance itself from Ukip.'
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It’s taken 2 years and 4 months, but after watching my daughter adorably lead my son around soft play, while I drank a cup of tea, I’m finally glad we had 2 kids.
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Whenever the tube announces “exit here for Buckingham Palace” I picture the Queen getting up, saying, “well this is my stop”
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Dolly Parton said if you want the rainbow you have to put up with the rain, and I feel like that’s a lot like how if you want a smoothie, you have to put up with washing the smoothie maker afterwards.
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Sometimes my kids interrupt me so much I feel like I’m on a panel show.
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My kids went to sleep when when England were winning. If they wake at 4am and check Twitter, it’s literally how I experienced brexit (and trump).
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With mild disdain and confusion
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I think I would enjoy the Joe Wicks workout videos more if 1984 didn’t start with the nation forced to start the day with exercises from a video in the wall.
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Kids have realised they can call
@Herring1967
‘Dick’ and no one can stop them. Truly a magical age.
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“Mummy, another thing we need for my party is music.”
“Your party that’s in 5 months?”
“Yes, we need music for it Mummy.”
“Ok. What kind? Disney? Pop music?”
“Alien music”
“What exactly is-?”
“And with a dragon in it. Do you have that on your phone Mummy?”
“Ummm...”
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My 5yo recently declared she’s not always sure if she needs a poo or a fart, so she sometimes sits on the toilet ‘just to be safe.’ The student has truly become the master.
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I have found the 'My Hero' essay I wrote about
@Dawn_French
in 1996. I am embarrassed about my writing but I stand by my proclamation that French and Saunders are ‘better than Neighbours’
#comedyfan
#Dawnsaidshewantedtoreadit
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Kid has come up with the BEST excuse to get out of anything she doesn’t want to do: “But Mummy, I have to follow my heart.”
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Telling everyone, ‘you need soap actually, not hand sanitiser’ is the new ‘Frankenstein was the creator, not the monster.’
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Oh phew. I thought I’d accidentally taught my daughter to swear, but it turns out she just can’t say ‘funky facts’ properly.
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I wrote a one liner a decade ago that still works, tho might alienate young people. “I put my phone on airplane settings and it told me not to call it Shirley”
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Actually think driving while a toddler asks you questions should be part of the test.
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Just found out my 6yo did a ‘show and tell’ about visiting the Tower of London, and brought in a ‘gem stone’ he told everyone he’d stolen from the Crown Jewels. We are crushing our educational trips
@Herring1967
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7yo: “they should have made this a cartoon, then kids would want to watch it”
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The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing disenfranchised voters that the EU caused austerity, instead of the Tories.
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Instead of ‘goodbye’ my 5yo has started yelling, ‘see you in hell sucker!’
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“Phoebe, can you say ‘gravity’?”
“I can say lots of words Mummy. I can say poo poo and wee wee and those are very funny words.”
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Very proud of my mainly terrible answers on Pointless. (I did warn
@Herring1967
I'd be awful).
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I don't believe anyone actually enjoys golf. I think they're all lying to try and fit in.
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School has taught anatomically correct words for genitals and now my 6yo is singing about vaginas.
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Big shout out to everyone who has their Christmas party tonight, and has to risk drinking alcohol around people who voted to destroy everything you hold dear.
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Don't want to react 'too emotionally' or help them turn us against each other. But after 24 hrs reflection I do hate everyone who voted out.
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KID 1: Hey look! The sky is orange.
KID 2: (crying) I wanted to say the sky is orange!
Good morning from emotions house.
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Health professional at Ernie’s 1 year check: And how is your mental health?
Me: I’m pretty sure I’m sane! HAHAHAHA!
Health professional: (stares coldly) I mean are you depressed?
Me: well, a bit, now.
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This morning my 2 yo cried because he wanted to see my 4yo’s poo in the toilet, but my husband had already flushed it away.
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There’s an episode of Friends where Emma turns one, and they make a video to show her when she’s 18, in the year 2020. It’s not even an early episode, it’s from season 10. WE ARE OLD NOW. (Yes I am still on deadline, why?)
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😁❤️
Anniversary card from my daughter. Looks like I’ve come out well in scoring, but sadly that’s “mummy, I love you infinity. Dady I love you 10.” Happy anniversary
@Catiewilkins
. I also love you ♾
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I just signed it!
Nearly 3 million people have signed this now. That is incredible. And my wife who hates Brexit hasn’t done it yet, so there’s at least one more to go
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Me: "I can't sleep, I'm so upset about brexit."
Husband: "just lay back and don't think of england."
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Just accidentally collided with a vagina height stair-gate. I really thought the days when my children destroyed that part of my body were behind me.
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Just remembered in Edinburgh my 4yo called my mum a ‘white haired goon’
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I have invented a warm up exercise called ‘trying to put on my sports bra’ It’s part cardio, part resistance stretching, with some light balance work.
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If this was an episode of Brooklyn 99, Trump would only be president for 3 eps, then Barack would be back. Real life is terrible.
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Put drop dead Fred on for the kids. Forgot the word shit pops up within 1 minute. But we’re in this now.
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But it feels like longer RT
@Herring1967
: This monster has been ruining our lives for 1 year and 3 hours.
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I’m sorry you feel you need an apology. I mean congrats. This is the big one.
Oh
@Catiewilkins
Me1 vs Me2 Snooker would never amount to anything hey? Well looks like Ian BBC2 (he plays Ian BBC1 at snooker) doesn’t agree with you
I await my apology.
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3yo just scream-cried ‘put me back in the egg!’ Which (with his rudimentary understanding of the life-cycle) is a 3yo shouting ‘I wish I’d never been born!’
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Women get written out of history because they get written out of the present.
😡 So many of the headlines are doing this, it’s infuriating.
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Having a lovely birthday. My family brought me cake in bed and then spilt water on me. This is how I hoped turning 39 would be.
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Outraged at Mash Report being cancelled. I love that show. I was so impressed with how they still made an awesome show during lockdown and I was really looking forward to watching it again.
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This guy ❤️
Can’t believe it’s 10 years since I made this woman’s Ferrero Rocher dreams come true. Can’t believe she still wants to be with me. We’ve lasted long enough to be rewarded with tin or aluminium. She’s getting a can of coke. With no coke in it. Happy anniversary
@Catiewilkins
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“Technically it was 90% cheers, 10% boos” is also a great reframe for any panto villains feeling sad this season.
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Somehow ended up explaining about Thatcher and the miners on the way to school, and at drop off my son immediately shouted to his friends: ‘Don’t vote Tory!’ This election will be hotly contested amongst the 6yo’s.
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My tiny baby turns 8 today. She is more sassy and good at football than I will ever be. She thinks the back of the knee should be called ‘the opposite of shin pads’. You’re welcome.
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Obligatory travel joke... I put my phone on airplane settings and it told me not to call it Shirley
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My 5yo wrote a joke:
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Gingerbread man
Gingerbread man who?
He poos on the windowsill and says ‘ooh what’s that sweet smell’
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Phoebe just refused chocolate and now Rich wants a paternity test.
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I tried to be subtle, but a child still saw me take a selfie with my books in Norwich library.
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I’m so confused by Piers Morgan’s third act narrative. If you put that in a script you’d be told to re-write it for being random and unrealistic. Unless he got visited by 3 ghosts.
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Walked past a man on other side of street cutting hedge with a chainsaw, leaves falling on pavement. Phoebe shouted “Tidy this mess up you baddie!” He stopped and crossed the road towards us. For a second I thought he’d heard and wanted vengeance, but just checking hedge even.
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Can I please just pay 10p or whatever on Paypal to read one article on the other side of a pay wall. I don’t have the admin time to join any more cults.
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My baby is asleep in a cafe and I want to kill everyone who orders a smoothie.
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Don’t mean to brag about my awesome Friday night, but I spotted my baby’s poo face and yanked him out of the bath, just in time to catch a tiny amount in the potty. So, you know.. don’t hate me cos you ain’t me 💅🦹♀️😬
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Us: Maybe if we let the kids stay up to half ten, they’ll sleep in?
4am seagulls: HAHAHAHA
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We bought this book because it was recommended about sibling tension and stuff, but I have honestly never felt more seen.
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KID: I don’t want to be pop star anymore, I’m going to be a scientist because I’m good at building things.
US: Cool. You could do both?
KID: No, but then I won’t have my weekends.
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If you haven’t seen the menopause sketch that
@drunkwomenpod
won
@thewritersguild
for, you can watch it here
#wggbawards
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I’m not even researching a case and somehow I just read that Queen Victoria took Cannabis for period pain.
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“I do not agree with what you tweet, but I would withstand a mild twitter pile-on for your right to stay just within twitters obscenity guidelines” - Voltweet
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Ok. So chanting 'down it' at a baby to make them hurry up feeding so we can go out, doesn't work.
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Be ironic if the Queen did back Brexit and then ends up shipped back to Germany.
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I don’t get how some people blame their racism or sexism on being ‘a generational thing’ and yet, those same people have welcomed ALEXA into their lives.
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This is definitely a good idea
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Just once I would like to see a TV show, where instead of waiting quietly for whatever plot points the adults have going on, the kids are running around like fucking idiots, loudly pretending to be dogs, and ignoring all the pleas to put their shoes on.
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How many minutes did you clap for? Signing this petition takes less time than that.
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Me: Phoebe, I need to wipe that ketchup off your face.
Phoebe: Remember mummy, looks don’t matter, it’s how you feel that matters.
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It’s pottery dude
And no snooker tonight as I celebrate my 8th wedding anniversary with my amazing wife. And no snooker is my gift to her.
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Sick of the phrase 'whining like a little girl' let's replace it with more accurate alternative, 'whining like a MRA.'
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I’m not saying my day has been underproductive, but I just ticked ‘tea and kitkat’ off my to do list.
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Happy men’s month everyone!
Are men funnny? We hope to answer this age old question this month with Men’s Month! So far our research has confirmed
@MrNishKumar
,
@tomallencomedy
,
#AdamBuxton
and
@RomeshRanga
are absolutely bloody hilarious. Please enjoy this trailer - episodes out every Wednesday in Nov!🥂🕵️♂️
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Fun maths: if your baby wakes up at 5.10am, you turn Cbeebies on about 5.45, (while the pre show ads are on) how many times will you hear Andy say ‘this is a whole troop of lemurs’ before 6am?
#nicheparentingcrap
#EdFringe
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Today is my birthday and all I want is
#generalelectionnow
world peace, sane people in charge, a funded NHS and for my stomach to stop hurting.
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None of my jokes are as funny as my kid telling me he can do an Australian accent, and then (in an English accent) saying, “I’m from Australia mate.”
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Well at least there's comedy mileage in calling the Former United Kingdom FUK.
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Green light this ASAP
TV Idea:
#NotAllSnakes
Men who say "Not All Men" are introduced to a variety of snakes. Not all of them are venomous.
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The other day my mum dislocated her shoulder, popped it back in HERSELF, and carried on with her life not realising it was fractured for two more days. But I’ve been struggling with a bit of food caught between my teeth. So we’re all actually pretty brave. It’s not a competition.
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Been massively enjoying ‘Backstage with Katherine Ryan’ on Amazon Prime lately. Loving
@Kathbum
and the other awesome comics 👌
#toptips
#topcomedy
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Most surreal day ever (not counting the day I gave birth)
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White people arguing with this are the worst. White privilege doesn’t mean all your stupid dreams come true; it means you’re not additionally subjected to institutional racism, intrinsic bias, racial slurs shouted in the street, racially motivated violent hate crime, longerjail..
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Airplane, but three times
Here’s a scenario: You’re dating someone new. What three films do you show them first?
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If you've ever wondered what I think of stone clearing, now you can find out..
("he's not hurting anyone and it keeps him away from the robots")
The video RHLSTP with the dipsomaniacal Drunk Women Solving Crime
@drunkwomenpod
is up in the usual places
youtube -
itunes -
FREE BEER-
FUNNY BOOK -
FUNNY DVD
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Someone should change the lyrics to 'Baby It's Cold Outside' to be about a woman trying to leave a party but her female friends want her to have one more drink. It could be called 'Girlsquad I Hate The Nightbus' or 'Sandra Don't Be Boring' or 'Becky Has A Baby And SHE'S staying.'
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Dipping in and out of Twitter, watching
@Herring1967
‘s Sisyphean task. Amazing how many trolls are demanding famous women who tweet about IWD tell them when IMD is. I bet this is ironically the worst day to be a woman on twitter.
#IWD
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I really wanted to have such a big tidy up today. But then I remembered we don’t always get what we want. It was a tough lesson.
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You know you’re spending too long researching murder cases when every time you feel tired you wonder if you’ve been poisoned.
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My Grandpa, Colin Wilkins. When I was 9, he put a packet of penguin bars in the raffle, then chose them as his prize, for us. Then when I won, he swapped them back, so I could choose penguin bars instead of tinned sweet corn. Also he fought in the war Etc
@Herring1967
#IMD
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Rich: there was no Netflix when I was 4.
Phoebe: Wow! Only CBeebies?
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