Phlegm Clandango
@Cain_Unable
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Like, a really big shithouse of a man
Skye
Joined September 2010
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Pinned Tweet
When you write a tweet you NEVER know what reaction you're going to get, from good, to bad, to the absolutely batshit crazy.
If you ever needed proof that you can't please all of the people, all of the time, these are some of my favourite reactions to tweets I've written.
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My 4yo just said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media? Isn't it just inherently dishonest & indicative of an inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves?"
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The Scottish have gone too far this time.
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Fully expect the Government to come out with this next.
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Personally I don't think people should have kids unless they can accurately predict exactly how their relationship & employment prospects will fare over the next 2 decades & then map out the upcoming socio-economic impacts of political events & decisions (both global & domestic).
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The shameful legacy of Bullseye continues to blight our streets.
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My brain just reminded me of the time a female colleague messaged to ask if I had 5 minutes to talk & I lightheartedly replied: For you I have 6! but I mistyped the exclamation mark and what I actually sent back was: For you I have 6”
😬
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£85k inheritance.
#SavedYouAClick
Saver who ‘never pays full price’ bought £220k house at 23 and haggled £15k off wedding
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I've told her it's more important to concentrate on all the people who *didn't* do that & everyone at the International Wokeness Festival cheered. That little girl grew up to be Abraham Lincoln.
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I don't mean to be needlessly controversial but we need to talk about Postman Pat. That guy is utterly incompetent & I'm so sick of his bullshit. Any other job & he'd be sacked. He delivers like one parcel a day. ONE! And it takes him all day, even when he uses one of the
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In his defence she did say, on record; “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends”.
Geri Horner 'recommended woman for job at centre of Christian sext scandal'
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Threw his life away with a fusilli choices. Shame.
Florida man arrested after ‘throwing pasta with sauce’ amid road rage incident
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Amazing to think that 15 years ago Banksy predicted exactly how we'd be delivering Mother's Day flowers today. The guy's a genius.
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“If Australia is 9 hours ahead of us how come they never warn us about disasters?”
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I just tried to Vote Trump & the staff wouldn't let me just because I'm "in Kent" & "this is a Tesco self service checkout sir."
#voterfraud
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How I think I look during a weekend lay in Vs. How I actually look.
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Wait. He really said he is “Ready to return”?
There wasn’t another phrase indicating that sentiment that sprang to mind? One he uses a lot maybe? Fucks sake.
Arnold Schwarzenegger says he is ready to return to the screen after having a pacemaker fitted last week
Read more 🔽
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#GarethSouthgateWould
get asked what he wanted at the bar & would reply "Actually this guy was here first."
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I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They'll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
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My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was "just Wonton destruction" & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
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Saw my Hermes delivery guy as he arrived with a parcel & said "I really appreciate you putting yourself at risk & keeping deliveries coming" & I swear there were tears in his eyes as he drop-kicked my parcel into next door's gutter & threw a "Sorry you were out" card in the hedge
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Oh my God, just spotted the ex-president of France!
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Remember when Dennis Waterman ruled England from 1553-1558?
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*Whispers* "That means films about ambulances"
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This was the same year someone emailed me asking how I was after being off ill and I replied “I’m much better than you.”
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The worst part of
#backtowork
is this:
-"Happy New Year!"
-"Yes, Happy New Year!"
-"Good Christmas?
-"Yes thank you, it was lovely. You?"
-"Same, quiet. Back to the grindstone now though eh?"
-"Ha ha! Yes."
<REPEAT x 20 or until you actually choke to death on your own banality>
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Dads watching all the presents being unwrapped knowing the recycling bin is already at 75% capacity.
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Jokes on you, we're miserable already.
Heavy snow and rain to bring misery to UK for days as temperatures plunge
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The worst one ever though (btw on my son’s life these are 100% true) is when a member of my team had a bike crash & ended up in Addenbrooke’s on a ventilator & I sent out an All Dept. email asking people to “coma over and sign his card”. 😬
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Too right mate. I’ve gone even further.
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Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter's 5 now & we've actually grown quite fond of her.
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Tried to impress our dinner guests with a sauce created from vodka, gravy & nitrous oxide but all I've done is make myself an absolut laughing stock.
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I get to relive all these moments and more at random times, usually 3am. Thanks brain, you massive prick. 👍
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I know you see a lot of fake stuff on Twitter these days but this is GENUINELY my Christmas poinsettia. Still alive. I am now completely invested in keeping it alive until next Christmas. 🤞
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Kevin Pietersen about to go into a South London Pret A Manger.
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When you get a dog it’s a very short step from "No of course he won't be allowed on the sofa!" to "We'll hang his stocking in the middle." 🙄
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I've just told my dog that
#PETA
say he's no longer my pet but instead my equal so I'm going to laze around the house all morning chewing stuff & licking my balls while he drives into work & finishes that report. He can't get the car into gear though the useless twat.
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This hardly seems fair, he'll beat the absolute living shit out of it.
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Saw my Evri delivery guy as he arrived with a parcel & said "I really appreciate the job you do under such difficult conditions,thank you." & I swear there were tears in his eyes as he drop-kicked my parcel into next door's gutter & threw a ‘Sorry you were out’ card in the hedge.
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My wife just threw a box of Quinoa at my head. It almost knocked me uncouscous.
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My wife's left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she's back. She hadn't left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
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😑
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You can tell these Christmas lights are British because Setting 8 suggests you might have become over-excited by the first 7 settings & need to damn well get a grip of yourself.
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I'm not a spiritual man, but it's
#Eng
quarter-finals day so anything's worth a go.
*kneels* 🙏
#ENGSWE
#ItsComingHome
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#GarethSouthgateWould
offer to water your plants while you were on holiday & when you came back the lawn would be mowed & the bins would be out.
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Michael Gove leaving to spend more time being the baddie in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
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A good indication that I may have laid the irony on a bit thick here is that I've got people who actually agree with each other arguing in my mentions. Oops. 😳
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Actual footage of the large group of genuine & real people who came for lunch at Laurence Fox's.
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It was probably religious fondue-mentalists.
Woman feared she was going to be 'taken' after strangers melted cheese on her car
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I really hope Lottie's cake is underbaked, just so they can say "It's not cooked Theroux."
#GBBO
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According to Twitter there are a fuckload of women just 300m from me showing their gussets. This seems unlikely on the Isle of Skye. Unless they’re all in the same barn on the next croft.
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🙄
🚨 NEW: Reform UK candidate Ian Gribbin has now apologised
"I apologise for these old comments and withdraw them unreservedly and the upset that they have caused"
"I myself are upset at the way these comments were taken out of context especially when my mother was the
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BREAKING: Gavin Williamson is quoted as being "incredibly shocked & surprised" to be sacked as Secretary of State for Education, largely because he had no idea that he *was* Secretary of State for Education.
#Reshuffle
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This portrait of Benjamin Franklin looks like he's waiting for his wife outside an M&S changing room when he spots you doing the same.
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You'd have been really impressed with my social distancing at the gym this morning. I've stayed over 10 miles away, I'm not a member & I'm eating a pain au chocolat in my dressing gown.
Can't be too careful.
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surprising number of vehicles available to him, the van, the boat, the helicopter?! How is it cost effective to deliver one parcel in a helicopter? Ben, the Depot Manager is the most patient man in the whole world. Every day he calls Pat on his mobile & EVERY DAY Pat answers...
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- “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man's heart?”
- “I think you mean arm?”
- “NO I DON'T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
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Is there a better recipe for happiness than being in the pub with your dog?
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“We regret to inform you that the 05:50 to Crewe is cancelled because right, Lauren is being like so dramatic and I can’t even, and like they won’t even let me vape in here & I’m so not here for it.”
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@BlondieBlonde70
They really do. Unbelievably that little girl grew up to be Albert Einstein.
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delivered an unsealed bee hive. UNSEALED! Did any of the bees escape? Of course they fucking did! ALL of them. Why hasn't he been sacked?! Why?! I have some theories but I'll save them for my full exposé on this maniac. One week he actually got his head stuck in a tree (below).
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BREAKING NEWS: A CrowdFunder to have Kirstie Allsop & Denise Welch fired into the sun has reached over £7 billion pounds in 12 hours.
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Oh no. I've upset the entire Right Said Fred fanclub.
He's fuming.
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Harsh. Glad they got her out of his car though.
Woman arrested after thumping on Prince Andrew’s car window
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#GarethSouthgateWould
give a tired bee some sugar water & check on it every 10 minutes until it was ok again.
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Statues have been banned in Britain for 165 years after a 500 person queue formed behind one in 1852. 3 people died.
#AwfullyBritishFakeFacts
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"Special Delivery Service, Pat Clifton speaking" & not once has Ben ever said "Pat, you have caller ID mate, you know it's me, WHO THE FUCK ELSE WOULD IT BE PAT?!"
Also, every day Ben clearly asks "How soon can you get here?" & again, Every. Single. Day. Pat answers cheerfully
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I'm so angry, someone has broken into the garage & stolen all my fitness equipment. Please check your CCTV, the crime happened sometime between 9am this morning & June 1994.
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BREAKING:
#PizzaExpressWoking
have just released their new pizza 'The Alibi'.
It's incredibly thin, made up in the spot & even though it's covered in chillies, it won't make you sweat.
#PizzaGate
#PrinceAndrewInterview
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"I'm on my way!" THAT DOESN'T ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION PAT!! He clearly asked WHEN you'd arrive Pat!! Yesterday he delivered a load of crockery, it wasn't wrapped or boxed so his plan was 'to drive slowly'. Guess what happened, yep, he broke a plate. Inevitable Pat!! Today he
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I saw this this morning. A Meadow Pipit feeding the Cuckoo chick it has raised as its own. It could barely reach.
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-"Are you up to much tomorrow night?"
-"No, just sitting at home with the lights off, drinking whisky, eating haribo & shouting "Fuck off!" at anyone who dares ring the doorbell."
-"Oh I know, I hate halloween too!"
-"It's halloween?"
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absolutely sick of his shit too. You can tell by their faces. He should be going through the Royal Mail disciplinary process & I can't believe HR haven't forced Ben's hand & given him a written warning at least.
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DON'T be put off voting by Polling staff! I was given loads of excuses, "This is a Tesco photobooth sir", "You're naked & clearly drunk sir"
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People were quick to sneer at this amazing jacket but did you know it was supposed to be black? It was just that *sips coffee* there's no time to dye.
#NoTimeToDie
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-"I hear the Israeli PM isn't too worried about that latest hack because.."
-"Please don't"
-"...Benjamin's Not on Yahoo"
-"I'm leaving you"
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I went fishing with my son this afternoon, we nearly didn't go because it was raining. Then this happened...
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Alf was in like a shot of course as you can see. I don't blame Pat for that obviously, that's on Alf, but Jesus Pat, how do you get yourself in these ridiculous situations? Is he trying to get himself sacked? He must be. The whole village had to get him out, I suspect they're
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What you've done there Kirstie is confuse "Covid" with "Goths".
What the hell happened to “Covid doesn’t like the Summer?” We’re in March, surely by July numbers will have fallen across Europe? Why crush people hopes of a holiday, it’s perverse & cruel.
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-"How do we stop school shootings?"
-"Arm teachers with handguns"
-"But what if the teacher starts shooting?"
-"Give students rifles."
-"But what if the students start shooting?"
-"Give flame throwers to dogs."
-"But what i...."
-"NUCLEAR WEAPONS FOR FISH!"
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Ah! The tweet that had thousands of people calling me a liar.
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Sadly Rev. Richard Coles isn't allowed to call this person 'a cunt' & wish them ill, but I can.
What an absolute & utter cunt, I hope something very heavy & incredibly spiky falls on them & makes them go on fire.
A letter, courageously unsigned, begins: “Dear Mr Coles, I can’t begin to tell you how happy I am to hear of the death of your partner...”
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Rishi Sunak has cured my imposter syndrome to the extent that when I manage to put my trousers on without falling out of a window I feel like a living God.
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