Christopher Schelling
@CRSRipley
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4,614
Following
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Statuses
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Literary agent with a deceptively long name. Married to @augusten . I'm here to talk books, dogs and grammar like it's 2011
Joined April 2009
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Pinned Tweet
I've kept this cover letter for a novel my boss made me read in 1988 because its awesomeness never fades.
http://t.co/FphL2s2feZ
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This morning I pasted an image in the wrong text thread, so my entire family was posting cute kid videos and sending sweet Christmas wishes and this was my response
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The Blood Sisters were groups of lesbians who started donating blood in the early '80s because gay men couldn't. When I first heard about them, I wept as hard as I would have over news of another death.
#WorldAIDSDay
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My first boyfriend died before the Google Age, so there's not a lot about him online. Today would have been his 75th birthday, so I'm celebrating with a list of things the world should know about him
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Mom's insightful commentary on the Ford testimony
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@ChrisBramwell
This used to be a massive tree and Gunther almost caught a squirrel there once.
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How adorable are my parents at their 65th wedding anniversary dinner?
35
4
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Friend : Are all your writers firing you?
Me: Yeah, probably.
Friend:
Me: Oh, you mean the WGA thing? No, I'm not that kind of agent.
Friend: But. All your writers are firing you?
Me: Yeah, probably.
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A friend is upset that his boyfriend got a dog without permission but its name is Chubby and JUST LOOK AT THAT FACE which makes the whole apocalypse thing easier to handle
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I refuse to believe my friends died in the '90s so I could lose my healthcare with my multiple pre-existing conditions 25 years later.
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Our oldest dog can no longer hear, and today the vet threw cotton balls at his face and he didn’t blink until after they hit, which is how I learned our oldest dog also cannot see
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When I made plans to visit my parents, I did not know it was on the 67th anniversary of their first date. Could they be more adorable?
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Dear Teens, Stop emailing me questions for
@rainbowrowell
about what happens after Eleanor & Park ends. This is real life, not TFIOS.
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Horrible world got you down? A Great Dane puppy is your answer! This is Mannix. He's just shy of 9 weeks and can already stick the landing on his graceful dismount from the couch
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Today is my aluminum anniversary, 10 hilarious and surprising years with
@augusten
. I picked a good one
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My first boyfriend would have been 79 today. He died in 1993 so he didn't see the horror of the 21st century - which may be good because the battles he picked were like, "The plural of 'iris' is 'irides,' not 'irises.'" He would have spontaneously combusted by now
#PrideMonth
10
4
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After a brilliant
@LucasESchaefer
piece was published in
@onestorymag
nearly 6 years ago, I offered him representation...and he turned me down! That was merely the first twist to our fantastic origin story. Spoiler: check out the happy ending
8
3
114
I sent a generous rejection email and the writer responded, "You are a looser" and boy am I sorry I missed out on that one.
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BIG ANNOUNCEMENT: When Broadway reopens in September, Wiley will be playing the role of the Meerkat in The Lion King
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A writer responded to a rejection recently and apparently this is my brand: "Your message gave me hope while quashing it at the same time, which is a neat trick."
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My Ohio friends like to remind me that this is an actual sign on I-75
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A brilliant performance in an early 2018 film can get overlooked for 2019 awards, so I'm boosting this to avoid an Oscar snub.
For Your Consideration:
Gunther as Best Supporting Actor in "How to Annihilate a Sleeve of Thin Mints for Lunch"
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"We eloped on April Fools' Day because we are both, in fact, fools." -
@augusten
. Still true, 5 happy years and 4 unruly dogs later.
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A writer objected to my reject letter and I started a tweet that turned into 1,200 words
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This subway conductor just announced "our final decent into Times Square" and I've never heard such truth
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In the lead-up to his new memoir,
@augusten
is getting asked how I feel about my role in it. I am here to tell you.
@StMartinsPress
@smpnonfiction
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Does Radar look 9? He's 9. Today. What a sweet dreaming little pork chop he is
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It took me five days but I killed it single-handedly
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We got a Rhodesian Ridgeback puppy today and he has already mastered side eye.
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When I ordered a cord of firewood, I didn't think to ask, "Will you be delivering it in a truck with a 'Hillary for Prison 2016' bumpersticker?" Now I know.
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A Rhodesian Ridgeback balancing on the back of a Great Dane.
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Because I'm in a high risk group,
@augusten
has quickly and brilliantly designed a life in which I never have to leave the house. It's like Beauty & the Beast except he's the pretty one
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Yesterday I submitted a project to an editor who rejected it 33 minutes later. I appreciate the speed and though I believe that is a record, I'm not daring anyone to try to break it. Take the whole hour if you need it.
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For years I've been rattling off this list to anyone who'd listen (not many). So behold, here's how to work from home.
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My mom was a beloved elementary school teacher for many years, so I'm proud at how she's shouldered the responsibility of being so many people's password security answer
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"A man invented the machine gun, but a woman invented Kevlar."
@augusten
does
#Stonewall50
@TimTeeman
@thedailybeast
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When you're married to a memoirist, your kitchen window reads like a personal essay about 2020
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I donated books with "positive lead female characters" to a local school through
@DonorsChoose
and I got amazing thank you letters from 5th graders, including one from Addison, who seems destined for a career in publishing.
#sharethanks
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3
73
Today is
@augusten
's birthday, and since I'm a terrible cook, my gift is that I will not be making his favorite dinner.
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Gunther romped in the bomb cyclone all day then wanted to lie down in the fire. Get a dog that can do both.
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They sat outside my office the entire time I was doing a contract negotiation. Publishing spies, obvs
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Fantasy Football is all well and good but let me know when your Science Fiction Football draft strategies are in place.
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I made gluten-free, vegan mac & cheese for my diet-restricted husband, who gave it his highest compliment in a next-day review: "It tasted like it should have made me sick but it didn't!"
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Form a line, no pushing, there's enough for everyone.
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I don’t understand why “gobbled it down” and “gobbled it up” mean the same thing and also why those cops haven’t been arrested for killing
#BreonnaTaylor
almost 5 months ago
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Today is our 6th anniversary and
@augusten
decorated a corner of the house with reminders of my 30 years in NYC, including paintings from the apartment by
@RIPLEYTHEBAND
and
@zetastatic
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Text from Mom:
Enough talk of boxes. I want the part where they slap the ties on his chubby orange wrists and hold his pumpkin head as he is crammed into the police car
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Yet another ill-advised name for a local business. And they've had almost 80 years to consider it
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Gunther is still not quite sure how the dog bed works.
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The next time someone asks the all-too-common question, "What's the secret to writing a book?" I'm going to tell them the truth:
Use "Insert Page Break"
*not*
Return
Return
Return
Return
Return
Return
Return
Return
Return
Return
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0 trick or treaters last year, 0 this year. It's like they think 2 crazy old creepy gay guys live here with 4 howling untrained dogs.
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The paperback of
@AnnaShinoda
's LEARNING NOT TO DROWN is as beautiful as its readers.
#Bookbirthday
The paperback edition of LEARNING NOT TO DROWN with
@mikeshinoda
’s gorgeous cover is out in the world today!
“Hey. What page are you on?”
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818
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Subway loudmouth bragging to his friend about his great line to a woman who colored her hair: "So I asked her, does the carpet match the rug?" Some guys don't even know how to be misogynist assholes correctly.
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I just turned down a memoir by a former TV star who half-insulted me in the first sentence of his query letter. Buddy, the world is already on fire, you didn't have to light that match.
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For many years my parents have known a couple who only recently showed the shocking depths of their racism. Now those people are going through rough times, so in lieu of thoughts and prayers, I'm making a BLM donation in their names. Get well soon!
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I haven't done Halloween since the year my Bernese Mountain Dog and I nailed this look
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Photo session for their album cover went well but the songs are repetitive and not very catchy
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It is 10:30pm and
@augusten
is doing something outside that involves a headlamp and a wheelbarrow full of bleach. So, Wednesday night
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The NYC apartment I rented for cheap for 30 years sold for $2.3 million. I hope the buyers know that price tag includes the ghost of my first boyfriend, who died in the primary bedroom and who was a wicked prankster *when he was alive*
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If spring was a horror novel (and it pretty much is), Forsythia would be the young girl who blossoms before any of her peers in the opening chapter, then vanishes abruptly. And the entire town is thrown into chaos for the remainder of the book
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This is some of the best writing I received this week
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Me on the way home from getting my first Moderna jab
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An owl and a woodpecker are both making noise outside my office. I'm pretty sure they're friends and I've become trapped inside a children's picture book
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In 1st grade a girl was sniffing a new book & she said it smelled like throw up & I said "I like throw up" & now I'm in publishing.
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I was five degrees of separation from my nephew's college graduation today. This is
1) my phone screenshot
2) of a shared screen
3) on a family Zoom conference
4) of a livestream
5) of the ceremony
Just like being there!
Huge congrats to Ben
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"No delivery" is an extra service? And the second choice is WAIT WHAT
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Our Italian Greyhound has freaky performative food rituals that involve an elaborate dance, the flinging of select pellets from the bowl, rules about who gets to watch. I'm going to film it and call it Mr. Wiley's Dinner Panto and he will win an Oscar
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A publisher sent me an email that begins, "Hey Christopher--so you were right and I was wrong, let me get the payment together" and I'm not sure if I'm done for the day or just beginning
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My 82-year-old mother, a professional texter, took time off from politics yesterday to update me on the grandchildren.
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Authors take note: the correct phrasing of "I wrote a thing" is "I'm so fucking proud."
@wcdameron
will show you.
12 years ago, I thought I’d go to the grave without anyone ever knowing my real story. But, here I am today in
@nytimes
because I came out and told my true story. Forgive me if I wax rhapsodic and use coarse language, but I’m so fucking proud of who I am and how far I have come.
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Today's best query typo: "My previous effort defiled all expectations." I'm sure it did but this sounds like every current news cycle so I have to pass.
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It started with Hannity and Judge Jeanine then quickly spread throughout the entire news network
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Had to inform
@augusten
that today was his birthday AND how old he is. It's a shame I wasn't also smart enough to get him a present.
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It's always flattering to be told how many agents someone has approached before they stooped to me but it's a special thrill when the number is so high I didn't even know that many agents existed
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#tbt
My final moment of chemo, 7/22/08. I was happy & bald that day but crushed now b/c David Rakoff was alive *and* had use of both arms.
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Rice cakes are amazing because the first bite promises a Rice Krispie treat and three chews later it offers the disappointment of packing peanuts
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We've had no hot water since Friday, so after doing backbreaking yard work and washing off in a creek, I manifested my childhood dream of becoming Pa Ingalls
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A fun thing about mask wearing (aside from the saving lives thing) is that I removed mine at a medical appointment & the doctors gasped upon seeing my giant horseshoe mustache, like the Scarlet Pimpernel had thrown back his cloak and revealed his identity
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I had to state my profession over the phone and "I'm an agent" came out as "I'm an ancient" so that's what I am now
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Even though I got Moderna jab
#2
today, I still don't feel safe going out in anything less than a full furry costume
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