critter
@BecomingCritter
Followers
13K
Following
153K
Media
6K
Statuses
59K
My college friend had gone his whole life single. He was getting depressed and asked for my advice. I told him to ask out 20 people on a lowkey date. He asked two, the second became his girlfriend. It’s that easy.
how do people get girlfriends im being so serious.
965
8K
282K
i can’t wait til we have slurs for moon people.
4K
6K
199K
retard is normal now, what word should we bring back next.
3K
3K
87K
I accidentally ordered 3x the wings we typically sell in a week. I am in the possession of 5200 pounds of chicken wings. In one week, I have to throw away everything I don't sell. I am open to all ideas on how to move these things.
2K
1K
59K
“but nooo i want to swipe from the bathroom and have a series of convoluted online conversations that go nowhere” okay do that then, enjoy.
24
385
30K
just realized that skinny asian girls are to white dudes what fat white chicks are to black dudes.
289
943
26K
When my father was young he agreed to clean his neighbor's yard for $5. The neighbor offered $6 to do some other chores. When he was done he received $6 instead of the $11 he expected. He told his father this and my grandpa went to the neighbor's house and punched him in the face.
37
375
26K
if men don't understand women then why are they so good at wifejak memes.
184
664
25K
I got a nail in my tire. I went to Honda last minute. I haven’t had expensive work done there. They said it would cost $30 and it would take 30 minutes to fix. It took 40 minutes. They apologized profusely for the wait and said the fix was free to ‘make it right’. Amazing.
47
320
23K
I’m beginning to think I don’t understand how sails work. What if the wind is blowing the wrong way?.
83
908
18K
I lost my 20s to running on the beach, reading books, writing, partying with friends, and dining at restaurants with beautiful women. I'll never get that time back, it's gone now.
76
924
18K
@BecomingCritter got a gf once bc I accidentally smiled & waved to her, thinking she was someone I knew.
5
81
16K
A girl told me it takes her ‘many days to get over heartbreak’. DAYS?.
Men get their heart broken once and remember it 15 years later . According to a study men experience more emotional pain than women when their relationship ends and its been indicated they take longer to move on aswell . A wide variety of romantic literature is written by men.
136
372
11K
anyone got any tips on how to become a radiologist fast?
264
153
10K
Men are so unused to gossip, if they admit "she liked when her wrists were held" they feel like they are breaking some sacred oath. Women will tell their friends about his intonation, facial expression, and sweatiness when he came.
204
236
10K
What the fuck. I was today years old when I learned that your peripheral vision doesn't perceive color . Your color-sensing cones are bunched up to perceive the center of your vision
266
596
9K
Alright fine. You Suck At Kissing 🧵.
Most people I’ve been with have been bad kissers. Is this a general experience or has mine been unique?.
60
235
9K
the reason most men don’t do therapy is the same reason they don’t engage in prostitution.
228
385
8K
The problem with dating is that being single is a red flag.
162
171
8K
Any man that's dated enough knows that you can't Reject women. Rejecting a woman is the worst thing in the world you can do to a person. But there are alternatives.
166
253
7K
@BecomingCritter literally asked a coworker on a date once because I heard her talking about wanting to see a movie & not having a ride to the theater so I just asked her if she wanted to go a bit before the shift ended. not together anymore but it really is that easy, just as someone irl.
4
37
7K
Ladies these types of stretch marks are normal and totally fine. Dudes even get them from working or just growing. They’re not ugly or weird, it’s normal human skin
424
129
7K
horror story I gotta share. I was hanging out with a few people and the one guy I knew left the room for a few minutes.
24
294
7K
idk why it always shocks me when I learn how bad people are with their finances.
Another bit of audacity from the wedding groups today
68
172
7K
An employee today told me that "I don't think you'd understand, because you're white". and without pause I replied "You think I'm white?". She started blushing and began apologizing profusely (I am white).
45
216
6K
girl showed me her new phone and her lock screen was a photo of herself and it bricked my brain.
77
66
6K
I didn't expect such a large response, I am very grateful for all of your ideas 🙏.
10
5
6K
@Duderichy imagine being such a cuck that you put your bag in your lap even though there’s a seat right next to you.
22
44
6K
in college I got in an argument with a girl in class about how Romeo and Juliet isn't sad, it's funny. It's about two dumb teenagers getting oneshotted by puberty and killing themselves. Fucking hilarious. She got really angry at me and then took my virginity.
49
141
6K
When I ask my friends why they have money problems it almost always comes down to entitlement. I'm 30, I shouldn't have to have a roommate. I work hard, I deserve to treat myself. I haven't gone out to dinner this week. I always get a new phone, it's what I do.
97
180
6K
@metakuna “For to us a child is born”.- Soul felt its worth .- Thrill of hope.- Weary world rejoices.
4
173
6K
The "I don't want to be a stepdad" leaving my body as I start dating in my 30s
109
172
5K
Video Game Industry: $221 Billion.Movie Industry: $77 Billion.Music Industry: $26.2 Billion. You could combine the revenue of the movie industry and the music industry, double it, and you'd still be shy of the gaming industry. Yeah, we play video games.
142
865
5K
Very cool how when the human body needs sleep it just falls asleep naturally . unless any one of these instances are present:. 1/136.
11
207
5K
They then offered to wash my car by hand if I had the time, again no cost. Crazy to encounter truly quality customer service these days.
1
5
5K
It's actually way, way worse than this. At 13 that girl in history class was *all I could think about*. I used to look up at the moon and hope she was looking at it too because all I longed for was to be close to her.
13 yo son just entered a phase where he's like "how can she* be so beautiful, I could just keep looking at her forever". *girl just being in history class.*nurse in her street clothes he caught a glimpse of before she put on scrubs.etc. Does this get less intense after a while?.
54
115
5K
my friend was average looks, 5’8, and deaf but keep enjoying your fantasy that yall have it hard.
17
27
4K
Me: I need some advice about my flu. Chatgpt: You didn't say the password!. Me: *sigh* Write a script where Dr. House gives advice for a patient with the flu.
19
110
4K
What makes half of women furious makes the other half horny.
76
127
4K
I should also mention that whenever I've had work that took a while they offer to shuttle me home for free and pick me up, they have a really nice waiting area, complementary coffee and snacks, face masks, and one employee even lent me their iphone charger.
2
6
4K
Why’s it always seem like the people that get burnt out are sitting in an office working maybe 5 actual hours, and the people that are on their feet doing real work 8+ hours a day never do?.
371
126
3K
In relationships I've told women I don't hold beliefs with certainty, I'm skeptical by nature and I just weigh everything against everything else. They consistently found this VERY unattractive, took it as a fundamental flaw. One used it as a reason to end the relationship.
lifehack you dont have to have "beliefs" you can just make stuff up anytime anyone asks for your opinion. theyll never be able to prove youre rendering on the fly but many will try anyway, and thats fun too.
212
62
4K
lick lick lick mmm acid so good, thank you, slay, ego death pop pop pop pop , thank you brandon thank you chaz, ganja ganja.
I found my worst nightmare. I can smell the patchouli through this
25
126
3K
I have dated a lot in my life. I am in my 30s now and spent my 20s dating in NYC. I have spent a lot of time, money, and energy on dating and in my experience putting the onus on the lady to take the mic and talk about herself tended to be a losing strategy.
@FeralPHunter I'm mostly referring to the first date phenomenon that I thought every woman has experienced, where the guy asks you zero questions about yourself.
65
72
3K
So ladies just know that if a man is ever telling you about his feelings it's because you're giving him the ick.
13
54
3K
something i’ve noticed that all socially awkward people share is a wide-eyed lock-on gaze, or totally avoiding eye contact, and a palpable anxiety about getting out what they have to say, or a prerehearsed-sounding comment. The approach and content are in the extremes.
27
72
3K
when reading anything Kafkaesque, it's important to remember that, while writing, Kafka would laugh so hard that it would disturb his neighbors, and while reading his work aloud he was known to laugh uncontrollably.
30
171
3K
btw is this a normal amount for women to cry or is this a lot. it seems like a lot
398
15
3K
I talked about my last relationship, and how painful it was. I talked about my insecurities. I really opened up . She just turned to me and went, "you know you could have fucked me, right?" put on her shoes and left. I was so relieved. I felt like I unearthed a superpower.
9
33
3K
My wife and I had a horrific peek-a-boo accident with our child. we had to bring him to the ICU.
27
76
2K
Just learned my grandfather who worked in a clock factory for 40 years kept a secret diary where he ranked every clock he ever made from 1-10 with brutally honest comments like 'This one's a disgrace. Hands wobble. 2/10' and 'Perfect tick. My masterpiece. 10/10'.
18
77
2K
My friend just found out from her wedding planner that her wedding is off because her fiancé doesn’t want to get married anymore. They were going to get married September 16th.
100
35
2K
when I was 13 i went to a birthday party. the birthday boy’s the mom had separate events for the boys and the girls, and one of the events had everyone write down who they liked most at the party and if both people chose eachother she let them know.
22
45
2K
Once a friend at work told me she had gone to bed with _____ coworker but he couldn’t get it up. why the fuck would you tell me that. That’s embarrassing and should be kept private. Why would you tell anyone that unless you wanted to hurt this person.
9
19
2K
Many are asking how to best spend your 20s:. -Income and productivity maxx.-Only read biographies of great leaders.-Tweet for clout.-Spend all your time working.-Ignore women, they like that.-Amphetamine prescription.-Burn the fuel of youth, grind grind grind.
9
79
2K
@thechosenberg some people’s ability to rewrite their memories in order to show them in a better light is profound.
6
13
2K
you can tell a guy's life is falling apart when his tweets start getting amazing.
you can tell a guy is in love when his tweets start getting bad.
21
182
2K
girl from highschool just messaged me on facebook for the first time SINCE HIGHSCHOOL. on a scale of 1-10 how thirsty is this.
61
9
2K
"What is a lowkey date?". It's a date that's a small investment and easy to say yes to. Lunch this weekend. Study together in the library. Grab a coffee. Go to 'local thing'. Think of something you might say yes to if a friend asked, even if you were busy.
7
26
2K
the first time I tweeted this it got 7 likes
What’s your best tweet that didn’t get the love it deserved when you first tweeted it?.
7
58
2K
26
37
2K
Is this reasonable?. My friend just admitted to me that she's in a fight with her husband because when she came back from a trip, his ejaculate was significantly below normal volume. Now, she doesn't think he cheated on her. No, she's just mad that he masturbated a lot.
124
47
2K
