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@B4TTL3S
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still writing letters to the families of the deceased
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My neighbour, whom I dislike, recently approached me, pointed & laughed at the striped top & beret I was wearing.
As he walked away, a Panini football card of a famous German international fell from his back pocket.
I’ve decided to keep my French clothes, and my enemy’s Klose.
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‘There’ll be all sorts of things that I would have wanted as a kid that I couldn’t have - famously Sky TV'
@RishiSunak
reveals the sacrifices his parents were forced to make when he was young
Watch full interview on the Tonight programme on ITV at 7pm
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James Corden.
Who would you like to see Anthony Joshua fight next?
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Instagram Influence flashes her chest in front of shocked bystanders at NYC-Dublin portal installation.
Viewers looking through the portal in Dublin were left stunned after the woman pulled up her top in an effort to go viral on Instagram.
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How a slogan pinned up by Guardiola in October fired his team to history | Jamie Jackson
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Quote this with that video you will never delete 🤣🥺🤩🥳🤯😁
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Just back from the registry office where my aunty Doreen and uncle Keith renewed their vows after 40 years of marriage. Wars, pandemics…they’ve lived through the lot together. What a pair, and what an example to the young ones of today!
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‘Gentlemen, this is democracy manifest. What is the charge? Entering a country without a valid visa? A succulent Canadian visa?’
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The bookends to ‘people I don’t want my daughter getting into a relationship with’.
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Lee Anderson has resigned to spend more time being a stupid fucking cunt.
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Lee Anderson has resigned to spend more time shouting ‘AFTERNOON!’ at people who arrive into work late in the morning.
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@RishiSunak
‘On reflection I should have stuck to gardening and hard landscaping, and not done all those murders’ Fred West.
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The Orb, Barrowlands 1992 - me approaching the stairs to leave which now look like giant caramel wafers.
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Vaccinated?
Blackpool Tower on fire with six fire engines tackling the blaze at the top of the famous landmark
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*Me in the staff room, noise-cancelling headphones on*
My colleague: ‘booked anywhere nice for your holidays this year?’
Me:
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@christiancalgie
‘I have been in a gay bar with the Village People throbbing out YMCA within earshot of Lenin's tomb’
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Lee Anderson has resigned to spend more time shouting ‘can you do mine next?’ when he spots a neighbour washing his car, cutting his grass or shagging his wife.
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‘How’s your dad?’
‘He passed away last night unfortunately’
‘I’m sorry to hear that…what are the plans for the funeral?’
‘Plain casket, cremated, no flowers, annex Poland’
Actually Daniel, his Dad is on his deathbed and he misspoke under intense personal pressure.
Perhaps Westminster should focus on our economic policy to save taxpayers tens of billions & stop enriching the banks
Instead of juvenile gotcha identity politics
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I’ve been quoted 25 pounds by a joiner to patch up some damage to my timber strip flooring. I told him that if he offered a discount I’d get him some tickets to a Prince tribute concert, so now he’s going to parquet like it’s £19.99.
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Johnathan Gullis will now return to his first love of simply punching meat.
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Sang this in my head to the tune of ‘Free From Desire’.
poundland on fire, the fort shopping center birmingham
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🚨PERSONAL NEWS KLAXON🚨
Surrey Heath residents, rightly, expect their MP to be a part of their community. Well as of today I am now a resident of St Paul’s ward!
As many of you will appreciate Michael Gove stepped down with a short timeframe to select me and it’s hard to get
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This lucky lady getting to see, up close, Murdoch’s hellish torso that has its own mouth and looks like a fucked up pink cow’s head. Proper nightmare fuel.
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‘After giving it the big ‘I am’ on voting down an immigration bill, I then abstained because, I said, the people in the opposition lobbies were ‘sniggling’. I was unaware that this word actually means ‘to fish for eels by thrusting a baited hook into their hiding places.’
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Happy Father’s Day to my dad. Served in the army in the 60s during the Cypriot Civil War. Here he is being captured by the Turks during an advance on Ayia Napa. He would be held there for 3 years before returning home to work as a dancer & his untimely death at 56. Miss you dad.
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I’m abroad right now - lovely warm night. Just waiting for the eclipse.
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Just been up helping Smokey Robinson paint his front room. He seems quite happy with the walls, but I think they look a bit patchy.
Personally, I’d second that emulsion.
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‘Turns out the spa wasn’t for veterans or rehabilitation after all. Turns out it was just a swimming pool and sauna for her and the family.’
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Trump is carrying around 8 pizzas like it’s nothing. Biden would face plant with more than 2.
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‘Say two thousand pounds more in tax again motherfucker I dare you…I double dare you’
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Apparently, if you can see a panda, you're left-brained, and if you can see two turtles swimming, you're right-brained. What do you see?
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I deleted a tweet on Rayner, here’s why:
1. It was a poor take and below calibre, on reflection. Importantly, I missed a key point on social mobility that I hadn’t considered.
2. Mass misinterpretation, and poor writing on my behalf, trying to express my dissatisfaction with a
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‘Fred West now more popular than Peter Sutcliffe’
NEW: Nigel Farage is now more popular than Rishi Sunak with Conservative 2019 voters.
The latest (post-D Day)
@RestIsPolitics
@JLPartnersPolls
finds Sunak with a net rating of +8 and Farage on +15 with this group.
Tables:
Podcast:
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🚨 NEW: Keir Starmer has asked officials to pass him notes updating him about the England vs Netherlands semi-final during the NATO summit
Phones are taken off them due to security reasons
[
@guardian
]
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Type the year of your birth into the search bar and keep it to your fucking self.
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