What’s stopping me from calling myself Seattle’s #1 comic? No one is gonna fact check me.

I will never understand destroying your own city after winning but whatever they do they better not touch Paddy’s Pub 😡

That anti hate commercial is why we need to bring bullying back #SuperBowl

My dad says he only wants to watch the Super Bowl so he can see “Kendra Kamar” perform at halftime and finally see what she looks like.

I know it’s time to log off for the night when I start googling things like, “can you taxidermy a human?”

Just apologized to someone about something awkward I did two years ago and they didn’t even remember the interaction and that’s how I know most of my anxiety is fueled by narcissism 😌

How do I get this "Fentanyl Czar" job? I hope it comes with a cool hat!!

A 16 year old at Victoria’s secret has no business sizing me for a bra. I can’t be twice your age and have you tell me my absolutely huge bazongas are lopsided and that the polka dot print one should work best for me.

Oh, a male comic with a love languages joke?! How fresh and exciting. Let’s put 5 of them in a row on a show.

The internet is great for a person like me because I always think everyone is mad at me and then I post something innocuous and get a bunch of people yelling at me in my replies and I’m like, “aha! I was RIGHT!”

Just got the call. Fired. I was the DEI coordinator for the department of commerce. It was my job to make sure every employee at Zara and Le Labo was a mean bisexual.

Liberals are all about prison reform until a felon gets elected president smh

There is literally no one more fun to talk shit with than your mom. A woman who has seen things, survived birth, and then raised a certified yapper to chit chat the night away with. A hero.

“You’re so funny!” Thanks my dad made me learn to drive in reverse before learning how to drive forward.

If I go on a date with you and you mention your high school sport injury, then I’m allowed to talk about astrology just so we can be even.

RT @zoerosebryant:

@IAMJOJOdiary @iamjojo One thing jojo is gonna do is give us the looks 🩷

RT @adirtyguntz: been using my tshirt cannon to make very unwelcome donations at goodwill 🎽🔫😜

I just know my guy Doug Dimmadome would have been pardoned for his participation on January 6.

I have been summoned by the dark lord (my manager put a 9am meeting on my calendar)

If I was an inanimate object I’d for sure be a kettle—holding everything in ‘til I blow.