Anne-Lorraine 🍀
@AnneSelke
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🌱 Poetry, sincerity, soft courage 💌 I help people write vows & love letters 🍑 Made a game about touch @playtouchcards 🎓 Teaching @humsys
Berlin, Germany
Joined April 2012
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I've been helping people write their wedding vows.
They love it!
I love it, too!
I want to do a lot more of this. And I've been too shy to tell anyone about it.
So I am going to rip the band-aid off & hit Tweet.
(link to fresh homepage ⬇️)
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I want a long distance friendship management game / app / system that shows me 1 face a day of a person I love that's far away and 3-4 things I know they got going on that I can check in on / ask about/ super personally potent ways to initiate.
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Quarterly reminder that YOU ARE NOT A HOTEL LOBBY.
The purpose of your existence is not to be pleasantly forgettable. You are allowed to be idiosyncratically strange, complicated, in process.
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Secret to being more chill in social situations:
be ok with things being momentarily awkward
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New thing: when ppl get triggered in their predictable ways, i try 2 remember they're running a script that's only partially theirs, partially handed to them by the world as an undeserved puzzle to figure out in this lifetime (if they can).
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I got some dormant beef about spaces that promote quick intimacy w strangers (circling, eye-gazing stuff, especially play parties + sex pos temple spaces) + how they're facilitated.
The beef is waking up & vague.
Warning: these thoughts are half-baked!
🧵
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I just did something I procrastinated for 18 months and it was no longer scary and I feel very good now.
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I feel sad and all the other feelings. If you have spare love and sweetness around, please send some.
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How'd we go about talking about / treating depression if we thought of it not as "Bob is depressed" but "the social web with Bob in it experiences depression in the Bob-node"?
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I've been wondering what supports adults in making new friends.
Kitestring (a report on adult friendships) thinks it takes air, rhythm, and intention.
Air is cool!
It's the thing you focus on together, the excuse for your encounter, that gives your relationship time to deepen.
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Oh fuck, breakup grief comes in phases. That oc wasnt the end, that was a reprieve. Now its back and different again
Ouch. Arrgh
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The aim of a break-up is to break up.
To become 2 separate entities again.
Not to heal your relationship.
You can explore what new relationship fits your new shapes once you reach that place of two-ness. But first, you gotta break apart and become two things again.
Wdyt?
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🪄 Sentences to release yourself from a spell 🪡
(Speak them out loud & see if they feel right on your tongue)
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What are you best low-cringe ways to exit a conversation you don't want to be in?
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I discovered why bf is so good at being chill!
When stressed he asks himself:
🤔 Are the stakes truly this high?
😎 No, of course not.
▶️ Is ok to be more chill ❄️!
😱 They are! It's so important!!!
▶️ 2 show up good for this, it's important 2 be more chill ❄️😉
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Romance carries a socially accepted promise of salvation.
I see it re-invoked by movies, stories people tell each other, by ideals of family, marriage, and adult life: Make someone your "one" and make it work.
I had a lot of that going on in the past... 14 years?! And still do.
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Need more love languages than the standard 5 (gifts, time, words, touch, acts of service).
What's your custom addition?
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@wholebodyprayer
this was me but the feeling upon sinking into masses who don't care to judge or keep track was one of relief
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Just noticed: I'm feeling really good. I like my life. Still lots to figure out, but I feel the best I've felt in... 4 years?
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Being creepy = consent failure
Consent can fail at least 2 ways:
• Not letting someone else reject you. Not honoring their No.
• Not saying No when u wish you did. (eg. Bc u don't feel safe or bc u don't notice ur No until too late)
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What's the last time you had the concrete feeling of "I belong here" or "this is where I belong"?
What was it about that moment that made you feel that way?
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😣 Uncomfortable honestly
If u feel uncomfortable talking about it, it's probably worth talking about.
Use discomfort / awkwardness as trigger to approach > avoid.
Best combined with...
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🤕 BOOHAT
Talk about stuff when neither of you is busy, overwhelmed, ouch, hungry, angry, or tired.
When you're currently BOOHAT, confirm that this is sth u don't need 2 solve rn & pick it back up when ur resourced.
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So many love letters & love songs are unhinged af. I want to find love letters that are... sober, wholesome, nuanced, or wise. Evidence of exploration-growth-care.
Things you read and listen to and become better at loving yourself + other people.
Know of any?
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🧵 Unhelpful empathy 🧵
A few years ago, I mostly empathized w people by co-experiencing their states:
· I saw someone in distress.
· I grokked their state with my body.
· I interacted with them from my embodied model of their state.
It had a bunch of downsides:
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Was there anything you did w an ex-partner after breaking up + before parting ways that was really worth doing?
E.g.
Sharing gratitude + nice memories
Making a GDrive w photos
Wishing each wishes
Forgiveness sth sth
Pls no one say break up sex, ty 🙏
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(1) Misplaced belonging
Some ppl who show up crave a sense of reliable belonging but end up eye-gazing w strangers? Such belonging needs other places & practices?
Local regular community, slowly built friendship. A soccer or chess club or community garden would be better.
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(4) The core of my skepticism is that sth about this cultural trend of vulnerability & openness feels transgressive
I want an alternate culture where ppl get excited about shyness, protectiveness, wanting-to-hide
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🛑 No figuring things out after 10pm
Ur stupid tired go sleep. Then talk when ur awesome again.
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Wait, is submission in kink about outsourcing desire bc ur not sure you can want / lust / desire and it's allowed / will be met w/o u needing to be good or bad? Asking for a friend.
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Looking for a single word that means "Sad but good / beautiful / not resisting"
Got any contenders?
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Good dates are a form of art.
Making them happen is an act of generosity.
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Notice what you're too shy to do but know in your bones would be good if you did it. Then go do it.
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⚖️ One wobbler at a time
If they wobble, u hold the torch. If you need a wobble, ask them if they can hold the torch.
It's hard to wobble if the whole ship might sink. Sometimes u gotta wobble. If they hold steady, u can recover what's lost w/o fearing disaster. Yay!
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So I help people write their wedding vows. After each of these calls, I feel glowy + heart-open + inspired by the range of sincere, nuanced, unique ways people grow & deepen their love. Feels like they're sharing the wisest stuff they've learned about loving with me.
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🫂 Make Up before bed
Even if just for the night. Do the whole thing where u connect back to ur basic respect and love for the other person. Everyone sleep better. Next day better time to figure stuff out, now with an extra hour of yum sleeping power!
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(5) Vulnerability status games
There's a cost to getting points for revealing vulnerable stuff, or "going with the flow"
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We need visions of family life worth growing up for.
Nuclear family in the suburbs ain't it.
What else you got folks?
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I'm in love so I send all my tweet-shaped thoughts to an audience of one. you're missing out on some real bangers
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I feel anxious today. Will go lift heavy things. Any other ideas on how less anxious?
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Like, ways to reach out to me could be to ask for the best lines of recent poetry, what I'm learning from my friends rn, what I feel anxious about, cool ways of being in my body or, best of all, requests for practical, creative, personal advice or, just as good, a writing prompt.
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📈 Track the trajectory, not just this moment
It takes some time to become cool in new ways.
Do you tend to figure things out together on the mid-/ long-term?
Is what drove u mad 3 months ago still a thing? If that's better, then mebbe it's enuff to know that they're on it.
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One of the biggest joys in life are invitations by friends with concrete ideas for small to midsized collaborations
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I had a phase where I saw willful lightness as an escape from a depth I yearned to share. Jokes. Silliness. Small talk.
Now I see how often it is a kindness, a way of staying in contact when one cannot quite bear the full extent of possible gravity.
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Wrote a note to the kitchen chef about the pancakes that brought tears to our eyes. The waiters touched their hearts as we said goodbye.
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you don't have to be so close
that you need sword and shield
find the distance where you can look at them
empty-handed, smile, and mean it
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2 weeks ago, dancing, I felt the precise quality of yearning & longing that I label "needy" or "clingy."
I felt into it, and it slurped me into an icky vortex of despair--for a very intense 2 seconds.
Then it spat me out w a soft slurping sound and I kept on dancing.
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Tell 'em that, especially your own internal factions judging u for not being a good enough hotel lobby.
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People long for different kinds of intimacy + belonging. No single event/space/community needs/can/should address all of them.
Ideally, many organizers (unknowingly) co-garden a rich local ecology of spaces that support many longings on a city-scale
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(3) They need enough time to make sense of things, ground in our experience, and trust that our resistance is sacred and welcome.
Maybe, for many ppl, our hearts need years of tenderness, for us to step into quick-intimacy spaces with the capacity the space assumes.
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I want to practice coaching. This is a thread of formats I'd be excited to try out.
Send me a dm if you want to try any of them. Or if you have another way you'd like me to hold space for you.
1st session is free.
✨
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👯 Tend to your frends
Friends are cool bc they help u be a full person. With ur own sense of self beyond any 1 relationship.
They might also share stuff w you ur partner doesn't care about. And listen to you when ur annoyed & even have smart things to say.
Give 'em a call!
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(3) Actually sacred
There's a reason to treat sex + intimacy as sacred--it's profound + impacts ppl. Sometimes in unpredictable ways.
Some spaces designed for intimacy perform sacredness. But our tender hearts don't need sage or a soothing voice.
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✅ Check for misunderstanding
If they make no sense, maybe u didn't get it. U could've got the reasons or vibe wrong or misheard what's the important bit.
Try telling them what u think they mean, sincerely, so they can correct u. Share ur confusion w curiosity for what's up.
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My friend is falling in love, full-heartedly, as I let go of attachment & nearness.
Something about meeting each other at this halfway point felt so precious.
A reminder that it all keeps changing, and each phase in all its intensity is followed by yet another absorbing reality
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I look forward to one day living in a place long enough to need to replace the salt
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hello i am a little sad i would like detailed descriptions of good hugs pls
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It's happening!
@wollekob
and I made Touchcards, a poetic game for 2+ players to explore how you like to (be) touch(ed).
When we met
@idiosyncretic
at
@unfoldtrips
things got real.
Now we're planning a first print run!
Who wants a deck?
~$30, ships to the US
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I made a card game about touch with
@wollekob
.
It's fun + sweet by default and spicy if you like that.
It makes your heart feel nice when you play it.
Who wants to playtest?
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(2) Heterogeneous illegible meaning
People bring different (unconscious & illegible) hopes & expectations. Thus, they can't assume shared meaning.
Which is fine if ppl talk about it? But for most ppl that's hard.
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🍅 Full-bodied Pomodoros 🍅
Try this if you numb out during computer work or don't want to start.
🍅 1 - Set a timer for 45 minutes
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Thus begins a new era of unfiltered raw-tweeting, sponsored by Berlin-based sweet ppl saying they appreciate it.
It feels a lil cringe, but in an exciting way I want to lean into
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🎓I want to train in some kind of bodywork / relationship counseling.
I want to:
• read bodies
• talk w bodies thru touch, movement, posture, words
• help move stuck things bw ppl
• help name subtle feels
• without leaking my own mess into it
🤔Can you help me?
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Desire Mapping 101
Notice resonance (Yes!) and resistance (No.)
Then find the resonance that's getting lost that your resistance is pointing you at. The beautiful thing that's out of reach because you cannot meet the moment you're in as it is and you are.
level 1 desire mapping (cc:
@AnneSelke
): know what you want so you can go out and find it
level 2: know how to find satisfaction in unsatisfying circumstances
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Instead of managing their feelings ("oh no they'll feel awkward") manage your own and let them take care of themselves
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Like LinkedIn but not for CVs but for ongoing life explorations challenges and themes
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I want to spend 3 days crying near salt water and sunshine. Cliffs and trees would be ideal.
Best sad sea spot in/near Europe?
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(1)
Similar to how ppl are on a dating app bc they feel lonely, and want more friends, but sex is a more legit thing to put effort into?
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⛩️ continued
You could even get excited. You found their edge, their "i won't compromise on this". Even if u don't like it, ur learning something about them. Look at it! This, too, is your loved one ❤️
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I just helped my mom find the right words to say goodbye to the listeners of the classical radio show she's been hosting for ~30 years. She's retiring. We both cried. It was really sweet.
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Excellent gifts communicate...
💭 "You're on my mind."
🕵️♀️ "I notice how you look at the world!"
💓 "I see you & your curiosity & desire."
🏕 "I want to make memories with you."
🤲 "I welcome you into my life!"
What else?
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Good thing about post-break-up singlehood: Instead of all my little observations throughout the day landing in 1 person's inbox, they're spread out over a dozen friends who keep replying with sweet reflections.
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🪢 Tug at ur own yarn
Conflicts are wool balls that are too knotty and tight.
You got some yarn it, too.
Check if you can loosen your own yarn a little. It will breathe space into the whole big knot and make it easier to loosen their yarn in turn.
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What are your go-to ways to get out of mind-loop-stuckness and hopeless-bad-feelings? Feeling stuck today and want to expand my repertoire of go-to unfunk-methods.
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Things I hope to remember when I'm in a fight w someone I love 🧶
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Please buy Touchcards so we can use the bathroom again.
🇪🇺 for orders to the EU
🌎 for all other places on Earth
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🖼️ Dall-E game ideas🧵
#1
Dream Journal
Voice-record your dream when you wake up. Text to speech + auto pick out strong images + Dall-E them.
Dreamer picks out most fitting dream pictures + adjusts them.
Monthly dream review in pictures.
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🎭 Attunement Arts:
Practices revolving around the core skill of simultaneously attuning to self & other
Includes...
· Partner dancing
· Group facilitation
· Pushing hands
What else is an Attunement Art?
Which martial art explores this most explicitly?
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Laptop confirmed dead, data lost. A possibility for strange relief: all this sediment of old thoughts I had left to myself, gone. Nothing to do with it. Free to have new thoughts.
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Note to self:
you can ask for what you want long before you need to set a boundary
If you communicate what's good for you mostly through boundaries, resistance, and No, you're missing out
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It's my birthday today 🎂
Can you share something you like about my account or, if we met in person, something that stuck with you from our encounter?
I'd like that :)
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⛩️ Resistance is sacred
They don't wanna!
Try to let it sink in. Stop pushing. Make ur own move, based on tender acceptance of this current reality.
Bonus points for sincere curiosity about what this means to them.
They probably got a decent reason they don't wanna.
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Swam in big old unattended sadness yesterday, w
@TylerAlterman
tenderly watching me weep.
Will hold nothing for a while and try 2 let ppl hold me for a lil bit.
Is a bit scary. Send me luck ❤️. And if u got nice fun or wise ideas on how 2 be sad, send me 🙏
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Have you tried letting the problem get a break from your solving it while you hang out with friends?
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I feel like a school bus full of characters with incompatible desires
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Then tune into the compassion that's already there for this burden they carry and their attempts to figure it out as best as they can rn
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It's also been beautiful and growthful, all this romancing! But watching myself pour so much life force into romance, over yrs, has me suspicious.
What are you searching for, honey?
Did you try looking for this elsewhere, like maybe in yourself or your friendships?
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Rage is pleasurable when I recognize it as a No reestablishing itself, pushing out regretful Yes'
An outward brightness returning me to a state where I can notice what's a Yes what a No.
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👋 continued
"Seems like u need [someone to listen]. I care about u + so i wanna show up good, but [it's 3am + i gotta sleep]. I'm available for [cuddles, or for listening to u after breakfast]. Maybe [other person] can [help in this way now]. I love you. I'm gonna go away now."
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✅ continued
... sometimes u might have gotten it exactly right, but on occasion u won't.
It's nice to assume there's a simple answer + they're on ur team + not mean or crazy until you've explored the other options.
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Instead of tensing up about 20 seconds of awkwardness, notice how things turn out fine in a 5-minute time frame
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"Hey! I've been talking to a lot of ppl tonight + need a moment of lonely downtime to gather myself. I'm gonna go outside + pretend I smoke. I'll see you around later!"
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I feel honored by the grieving company that reveals itself when I speak of break up sadness. Like a secret society of sad people in different stages of putting themselves into their own shape again. And their stories are simple and raw and honest and relatable ❤️
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