Allison Tolman
@Allison_Tolman
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Childless Cat Lady, proud member of the Perfect Breast Community, Rich Man. she/her Instagram: allison_tolman
Los Angeles, CA
Joined January 2013
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キャンペーン開催中
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U STEAL MY HEART 1STMEET
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LINGORM CHEFPOM
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#CDTVライブライブ
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高市さん
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#海のはじまり
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iPhone16
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Hyper Band
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ジャミル
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くつろぎマイルーム
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Namaz
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SB19 PODCAST SPECIAL EPISODE
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Draghi
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99SULWHASOO X GULF
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PIERROT
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#بيولي_مرفوض_من_النصراويين
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海ちゃん
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カヤック
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全員無事
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Pinned Tweet
Women’s magazines are really like tHis iS tHE bEAutY iSsuE like all the other issues are about math and Krav Maga.
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You know on TV when someone says that every little girl dreams of her wedding day? I just wanted to state for the record that this isn’t true.
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I’m just a girl
Sitting in front of a computer
Holding a phone
Which is open to the same website as the computer I’m sitting in front of.
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I do feel bad for men with all the witch hunt stuff going on. Imagine being unsure if you could trust members of the opposite sex and worrying that anything you do could be misconstrued as sexual and second guessing your own complicity in OH FUCK WAIT YOU GUYS.
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Pretty glad Jon Stewart didn’t stick to telling jokes.
Here’s Jon Stewart smirking at Moscow Mitch following a major victory for 9/11 survivors and activists. The September 11th Victim Compensation Fund was extended to cover first responders for the rest of their lives, a major defeat for the GOP, who stalled the bill.
#NeverForget
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Writers and showrunners- take the jokes about weight out of your scripts. I promise they aren’t funny. And even if they were, they won’t hold up well. And even if they did, they’re unkind-either to your characters and actors or someone in your audience or crew. It’s not worth it.
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I need Twitter to know that over on Instagram I accidentally and falsely outed myself and my college roommate on Tuesday evening.
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I’m cis and straight and down to get married. I played a ton of pretend and had a really active imagination. But this was not a daydream of mine, ever.
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You know what I DO remember pretty vividly? Family friends being over and the other kids playing some version of dolls. I cast myself as the sister in her 20’s- our parents tragically deceased- and sat down at my desk to pretend to pay our bills while smoking a white crayon.
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The nature of ramps dictates that they are rarely both steep and long.
The ramp that I descended after my West Point Commencement speech was very long & steep, had no handrail and, most importantly, was very slippery. The last thing I was going to do is “fall” for the Fake News to have fun with. Final ten feet I ran down to level ground. Momentum!
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Attention men: has you or a loved one been the victim of someone casting an actress you don’t find attractive in a role where characters want to have sex with her? If so, you might be entitled to compensation.
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This is not a hot take but man, I just fucking love Harry Styles. What a guy.
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Just wanted to take a second to shout about my abortion. Waco Texas, 2001.
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By the grace of God I caught my unwanted college pregnancy early and was able to have a medication abortion- a pill and a suppository and some cramping and bleeding. I lived in Texas at the time. I was 20 years old. The father was in school on a preacher’s son scholarship.
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Do people who like dark chocolate know about regular chocolate though.
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Jokes about weight don’t have to just be jokes about a characters body. They can also include making mention of:
- the numbers on a scale
- what someone eats
- what size their clothing is
- exercise and movement
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I mean this is ridiculous— I’m obviously an extremely good actress.
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I’m not saying you shouldn’t use adjectives. But please don’t say “Linda- the main character’s cousin, thin and witty” unless there’s an actual reason Linda needs to be thin. And please don’t say “Fat Lady In Theater” when you mean “Annoying Lady In Theater”.
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Are you fucking kidding me with this horses shit you motherfucking shithead motherfuckers, please escort yourselves into the fucking ocean you goddamn asshole dickhead pieces of shit. Fuck you.
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And when you’re ready, begin to wrap your mind around removing body descriptors from your scripts altogether, including character descriptions and the names of minor roles.
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ABSOLUTELY thrilled to share a first look at our new show
@EmergenceABC
, coming soon to ABC.
#Emergence
#ABCNetwork
#HelloAgainOldFriend
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Oh! And also, people think it’s okay if they’re using descriptors for small bodies, because they’re considered complimentary. Like, you’re auditioning for “Skinny Intern”, congratulations! But do you see THAT IS THE EXACT POINT AND SURELY YOU UNDERSTAND HOW WEIRD THAT IS.
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The audience only knows the values you assign to different body types if you have characters saying lines about them. But the rest of your script? That’s your crew, writers room, everyone in the office, executives, creative partners- all the people helping you make your show.
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I think it’s fun how movies about lady spies act as if incredibly thin, beautiful women are inconspicuous enough to do literally anything without everyone around them noticing.
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A year ago this month I quietly broke up with diet culture, started intuitive eating training, and began recovery for the decades of disordered eating I’d only recently realized I’d been engaging in.
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Hi. This is illegal you fucking dummies.
A group of Trump supporters disrupted the second day of early voting in Fairfax, Virginia on Saturday, chanting “four more years” as voters entered a polling location. A county official said some voters and polling staff felt intimidated.
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Are we doing vaxxed only flights yet? Just sat across from a woman reading Let America Live! as she slowly ate a turkey sandwich and returned her mask intermittently to rest just below her nose while I’m en route to my dad’s chemo so I’m preeeeetty much done with this horseshit.
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The guy who checked me in for my Covid test was so flustered by my “pretty eyes” that he dropped his pen, and frankly if you’re not coming at me with the same level of both appreciation AND investment in my well-being in 2021 please don’t bother.
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I’m in no place to go and march today. Instead I’ll tweet about my abortion- again- to normalize it, and then try to resist the urge to log back on and check to see how many strangers have called me a whore, or an idiot, or too ugly to rape. Male allies- we are so very tired.
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My cat just used his paw to push my hair back so he could lay his head on my shoulder. This is 1000 % my primary relationship, is this bad?
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Listen-
#TheOtherTwo
has long been one of the funniest shows on TV, but this season is going above and beyond. Every episode is a turducken of absurdist comedy, harsh truth telling, and staggeringly great, surprisingly understated performances. I am in love.
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Hey gentlemen. My nephew got bullied by some classmates for wearing fingernail polish to school today. Any dudes want to share a pic of the shade they’re rocking right now?
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Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
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Fucking hell! (In a good way!)
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@JarettSays
Oh shit, I remember this from the book. 😂 I think pop culture has Niffenegger pegged as like, a romance novelist but she’s actually weird as fuck and I dig it.
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Me when someone says they don’t watch shows until they’re picked up for a second season because they don’t like investing in shows with only one season even though if no one watches the first season there won’t be a second season because no one watched the first season.
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My Pilates instructor gave me a piece of pie when I left her place today, so when I tell you that it’s possible to find a yourself village of fitness folks who don’t buy into ableist, fatphobic, diet culture bullshit- I am speaking from experience. They’re out there, with pie.
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This is such weird fucking headline. He’s not “showing off his height”. Pregnant movie stars aren’t “flaunting their baby bumps”. Singers who gain weight aren’t “displaying their new curves”. They’re just existing in their goddamn bodies- in name of ever-loving Christ, shut up.
Newest Trump Tower: Barron shows off his 6-foot-7 height in NYC
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You guys, I have a confession to make. Sometimes, when the cat is first waking up from a nap and he stretches his toes out all cute I smoosh his face and ask “WHO’S DIS BAYBEEE?” but actually I know who the baby is all along.
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One fun thing about getting targeted ads when you’re over a size 12 is following links to clothes you think are cool and then checking the size charts to find out if that particular company thinks you’re a person or not!
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Cannot even begin to tell everyone how exciting it is to finally share this teaser that says PREMIERES TONIGHT. Our new show
#Emergence
premieres at 10|9c on ABC! Tonight. TONIGHT!
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In my dream I was giving
@AnnaKendrick47
a hard time for choosing an apartment without very much natural light for us to wait out the impending gender war in.
#Priorities
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My main issue with Sexual Misconduct / Witch Hunt metaphors is probably the fact that the primary takeaway from the Salem Witch Trials is THERE WERE NEVER ACTUALLY ANY FUCKING WITCHES AND THAT’S THE ENTIRE GODDAMN POINT OF THE REFERENCE.
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@jordieguz
All women are united in their experiences of harassment & all men being united by heightened awareness of harassment is not a bad thing.
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10 years ago today I spent my last night in Dallas, on my friend Kristin’s porch, with her dog Daisy in my lap. The next morning we loaded up a Uhaul & I moved to Chicago where I hoped to study comedy, make a big city my home, fall in love, & find my fortune. Take leaps, friends.
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I can’t believe I have to say this, but let’s not use this thread as a bulletin board to share names and photos of actresses you don’t want to fuck, you absolutely irredeemable lunatics.
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I had a white friend. I liked him and I think he liked me too. He tricked me into helping him paint a fence by telling me it was super fun.
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Why in the world would we be keeping our music down and limiting our alcohol?
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My fetish is when strange men explain my own tweets to me incorrectly. 😍❤️💋💕
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My cat died today. She was my favorite thing in the entire world. Here she is three weeks ago sleeping with her face turned up towards the sun. My cat died today. She was my favorite thing in the entire world. Here she is three weeks ago sleeping with he…
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If you can’t relate to a person bursting into tears because they burned a grilled cheese sandwich then I don’t want to know you.
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I thought this might be cute but in fact it was INCREDIBLE.
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Fuck clever. Fuck behind the scenes. Fuck tidbits. Fuck jokes. Simply put- I love this show. I love it.
#DownwardDog
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Happy anniversary. 🤦🏻♀️
I need Twitter to know that over on Instagram I accidentally and falsely outed myself and my college roommate on Tuesday evening.
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You guys know that people lose weight because of depression & disordered eating & guilt & divorce & anxiety & grief & cancer & stuff, right? Saying WAY TO GO about a strangers’ weight loss is like congratulating someone you don’t know is pregnant. It’s a super weird thing to do.
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This bat looks like your dog and just wants to eat some fruit and bats are not inherently bad and in conclusion leave Britney ALONE
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And that’s a wrap on season one of
#Emergence
. Thank you for watching and tweeting and telling your friends. We are all hoping against hope for a second season!
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#Emergence
premiers one month from tonight on ABC. I haven’t shared this poster yet because, if I’m being completely honest, it still seems utterly bonkers that they’re letting me lead my own network drama and I can’t stop pinching myself. We can’t wait to show you guys what…
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I don’t understand the disconnect between her Jesus and theirs.
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I’m confused because I don’t see how ALL of my friends from college could be married to The Best Dad In The World but that’s what they all posted.
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Lookout, it’s ya gorl coming at you live from beside her Acura RDX at this drive in premiere.
#WhyWomenKill
@paramountplus
@shopofuure
@StuartWeitzman
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Diversify your writer’s rooms, white folks. Hire people who can write, design for, style, and lift up the BIPOC characters in your projects through their own lived experiences.
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Sometimes I think technology is ruining the world. Other times I write that my beloved cat died and twenty minutes later a bottle of bourbon shows up at my door without a card. At those times I’m thankful for it.
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Omg you guys this is going to shock you but a lot of men on this website did not “get”
#PromisingYoungWoman
.
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Every time I get mad about the overturning of Roe vs Wade I’m going to pop back on to remind people that I had a safe, legal, remarkably uneventful medical abortion in Texas in 2001. They are normal and common.
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@Becca_Pez
@jordieguz
Okay but guys, THIS TWEET is specifically about the disparity between men and women.
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Hi I’m Allison, and my fatal flaw is that my brain breaks any time a tea kettle without a whistling mechanism whistles on TV or film.
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It’d be a lot easier to be a woman on twitter if dudes would concede that I should still be allowed to exist even if I’ve committed the cardinal sin of them personally not wanting to fuck me.
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Texas has always been anti-choice, but this is beyond the pale. I’m sick and sad and we told you so.
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Later that week, when I spilled my secret to my favorite Christian friend she said without a moments hesitation- “That’s okay”, and wrapped me in her arms.
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"I love this woman more than anyone has ever loved anybody else, like, ever."
-Martin
#DownwardDog
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To the woman at this rooftop bar that I just bumped then said “I’m so sorry” to, who then turned around to plant a firm hand on my shoulder and give me a deliberate push: Actually, I’m not sorry and go fuck yourself.
#Halloween2019
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I can’t handle the utter lunacy of suggesting eight people who belong to the same minority group being murdered by a single person could be classified as anything other than a hate crime.
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I just remembered that I own a label maker so quarantine is about to get LIT.
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@katangus
Always in other relationships but were work best friends at tiny IT firm. Finally both single at same time- we got drunk after work, then sobered up together, & he kissed me. I knew right then.
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This is why you should wait AT MINIMUM 25 years to get a tattoo based on your favorite book series.
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Body positivity is all well and good but DID YOU KNOW that when you finally say fuck it and start wearing crop tops outside of the house mosquitoes can AND WILL bite you right on your tummy and it will be so itchy???
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A few weeks later I sat in a lecture hall as that afternoon’s speaker told us that instead of discussing the works of Wu Ch'êng-Ên, he was going to use the hour to tell us why abortion was wrong. I left and took the absence penalty.
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Just came across this picture of me trying to get Ned to do something he didn’t want to do during our press tour and it made me laugh so hard. Long live this hilarious canine- I miss him so much.
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Hot take that doesn’t involve Roosevelt or dick measuring: it’s actually super weird that “masculinity” would be considered a quality worth noting in an elected official, you absolute fucking weirdos.
Hogan Gidley: Trump is "the most masculine person to ever hold the White House as the president of the United States"
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Lord, help me to live my life with the commitment of a classically trained theater artist in the ensemble of a televised musical.
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But do you know they still forced me to have an ultrasound, printed a photo of the teeny white spot, and handed it to me with my prescriptions?
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Followers keep asking me how I feel about Emergence being canceled. Have you ever lost a job? Have you ever lost the best job?
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