Stevie Martin
@5tevieM
Followers
75K
Following
36K
Media
1K
Statuses
23K
comedian/writer. same username on IG. come see my show clout @sohotheatre March 3-5. Link below
comedy town
Joined March 2009
a thread of all the sketches I’ve done with Lola-Rose Maxwell in case you want a laff (lagh?).
101
967
6K
oh my god stop tweeting “nows the time to finish that project!" may we be excused from churning out quality content DURING A GLOBAL PANDEMIC PLEASE today i looked at my own leg for 45 minutes. just stared at it.
218
12K
104K
at a bibimbap place and a young guy next to me just said “I’ve actually forgotten how to use forks because I spent so long in Japan” to his date do I say something do I save her.
205
2K
55K
when my sisters husband met my parents they were making dinner and asked how many fish fingers he wanted and he said 12 because he thought that was a normal portion. I think about that a lot.
525
994
47K
Brendan Fraser is trending so I’ll just leave this, the greatest signed photo I’ve ever seen, here
46
3K
42K
Drinking wine is still, even at age 32, about 20% taste 80% heheheh here I am drinking wine like a stressed lady from the movies.
78
2K
34K
just seen a female CEO referred to as a “she-eo” and have vomited so hard my soul has left my body or should I say me she-oul has left my bod(she)y.
139
2K
30K
Sometimes on a Friday I arrange my tortoise’s weeds on a slate so it’s a fancy dining experience
160
1K
17K
told mum robert pattinson was Batman and after some wild exchanges turned out she thought I meant Robert peston.
213
642
15K
cannot imagine how much more stressful watching this US election must be if you don’t know who gary barlow is.
19
521
16K
kept a broken backpack for 3 years because when I went to put it in the bin my partner said in a small voice “oh! Am I going on holiday? When will I be back?” impossible to deal with.
the thing about me is i cant anthropomorphise or its game over. i’m throwing away a little pedal bin so i put it beside my regular bin. then i thought about if they were father & son bins spending some time together before the little bin left forever & now the bin is staying.
41
747
15K
Once used a plate so much couldn’t remember bowls. soup everywhere. me crying “why is my bowl so flat” awful.
17
249
13K
boy oh boy I wish someone would make a tv show where a celebrity travels around Europe and discusses how nice the food/scenery/culture is.
193
380
13K
@je_ne_sais_blah oh ok the food shamers have arrived what’s wrong with fish fingers did a cod write this.
41
128
12K
hey I really love how about 50% of all fresh veg in supermarkets is slightly rotten now. hope that continues.
161
612
12K
If you haven’t seen this already this is possibly the best tik tok of all time (sound on)
104
2K
10K
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together.
120
956
10K
nothing more mortifying than being young. Desperate to lean over and say “I feel you. Still can’t get my head around rain after going Tenerife in 2008”.
5
67
8K
me receiving constructive criticism I asked for and need in order to complete a project.
11
794
7K
why does my friends dog look like a canadian off south park
56
301
7K
finally read Rebecca and it goes straight in the “old books that are actually good, not just when posh people are being performative” category. What an absolute banger.
282
193
7K
why is it bedroom, kitchen, bathroom and not boudoir, foodoir, poodoir.
58
570
6K
for anyone self employed trying to get paid at the moment. Or any moment.
101
1K
5K
want to make it clear he wasn’t being a dick he fully believed a portion of fish fingers was 12. what in the andre the seal pup.
17
11
5K
@shampshire I feel like there’s ten in a box which makes it so much funnier. Can I have an entire box and also two more thanks.
10
7
4K
V much enjoying buses up north. A man at the bus stop said “i need a wee if it arrives can you tell him not to leave” so the bus arrived, I told the driver and now we’re all happily waiting while he’s weeing in a field. Nobody’s kicking off it’s just like yeah Carl needed a wee.
39
95
4K
Sometimes I pop my contraceptive pill while looking in the bathroom mirror like I’m a hardened TV detective losing their grip on what’s real and what’s not.
22
289
4K
Hey if you’re having a bad day I dressed my tortoise as a spider and did a time lapse hope that helps best wishes
92
789
4K
i dont tweet serious things but someone i loved died terribly because matt hancock pretended he was shielding carehomes, we knew he hadn't at the time and just wanted to say he and the rest of the tories are wet sacks of shit ❤️.
27
225
3K
Are you someone who gets up late and is successful? I'm writing a feature on it because I CANNOT BELIEVE it's only Hunter S Thompson. THERE HAS TO BE MORE OF YOU. I am fed up of being routine-shamed. All professions welcome. DM me or message me. Night owls unite.
335
262
3K
Had to take my top off to get vaccinated in my bra because I’d forgotten to wear short sleeves and the nurse politely said next time I could just stick the relevant arm out rather than be topless. No that’s great actually.
36
50
3K
hey did anyone else buy clothes during lockdown so they’d emerge as a New Person, but now can’t wear any of them because the clothes are, for example, insane.
85
93
3K
remember when songs tiptoed around sex and were called things like “genie in a bottle” it’s v refreshing they’re now called “dick time” and “get right in my ass if poss” at least we all know what’s what.
34
132
3K
Huge shout-out to Lola-Rose Maxwell who isn't on social media and isn't a robot.
24
45
2K
used to sink 15 jagerbombs and do a 17 hour shift - today is ruined because last night I ate some biscuits “a bit too late in the evening” and gave myself stomach ache.
24
84
2K
Me getting ready to ruin his favourite film with my feminist commentary
17
256
2K
what’s the maddest thing someone got you to believe? an ex convinced me Manuka honey is made by special bees that walk on land like dogs 10/10 best part of that relationship by a billion miles.
274
77
2K
The upskirting bill was blocked at the last minute by Christopher Chope after being intentionally pushed back by Philip Davies filibustering. As it was blocked, another MP yelled ‘Shame!’. Shame indeed. There aren’t enough walls to kick.
106
709
2K
god I hate celery it’s so baroque am I using the word right.
30
109
2K
little bit of exciting personal news in this terrible year - I’ve turned into a screeching maelstrom of crows. am typing this with my many beaks. feeling blessed.
33
265
2K
what’s the funniest novel you’ve read? All the books on my stack are so heavy and riddled with trauma I just want a good fiction based laugh. Funny short story cycles also welcome 📚.
1K
91
2K
nothing worse than pitching for work, getting it and having to do the work. absolutely disgusting that my bluff be called like this. Hideous.
22
72
2K
fascinating how many guys (who are not writers or comedians) DM me sketch scripts presuming I don’t write my own stuff. Mate you work in IT????? Best wishes to you and your incredible confidence.
49
40
2K
sat eating a sandwich opposite a couple who kept looking at me. thought maybe they recognised me but I’m not in anything so then thought oh wow maybe they fancy me or something??anyway turns out I’d been slowly eating the wrapper along with the sandwich.
16
36
2K
dog went to daycare again and has apparently started a band? band name suggestions welcome
488
35
2K
Dad couldn’t remember the term for gender reveal parties so called them “sex parties with children”.
23
57
2K
god it’s incredibly hard not to have a little glass of wine every night to help with the horrors isnt it.
42
43
1K
bought this bag wtf happened in transit. What did you see on your journey friend
24
61
1K
if you find yourself taking Twitter too seriously remember today I lost 30 followers bc I tweeted a photo of a big pan.
92
40
1K
absolutely wild that i got to do this.
42
15
1K
Hey comedians who pre-emptively tweeted “my eyes were opened by female friends telling me I was wrong”. You, an adult man, needed to be told getting women so drunk they can’t consent is wrong? Nah you’re just worried somethings going to come out. Hope it does ❤️❤️❤️.
17
107
1K
went to a (GREAT) show last night and behind me 4 guys commented every time I laughed with things like “calm down” and “she’s laughing at everything” and i only thought of a clever reply 24 hrs later so here it is: shut up dickheads ok thanks.
20
18
1K
time slots in restaurants may be the final straw that forces me out of london. how is it bottomless brunch if I have to leave after 90 minutes. thats not bottomless. That brunch has an arse.
12
54
1K
theory: hangxiety gets more paralysing as i get older bc at least when I was younger I’d done something wild. today woke up worried I’d talked to too many ppl about my new kettle (smeg). i hate this so much.
24
26
1K
remembering when I didn’t mute myself and everyone doing the zoom workout heard me sing a Monkees song to my tortoise with the lyrics “Hey hey she’s a tortoise/people say she tortles around/she’s too busy torting” I lost a lot of respect that day.
32
28
1K
a thread about a guy sitting next to us on the train. 1. gross stain on his seat, he made his girlfriend swap by saying “you like the window seat though” so now she is sitting on it. He suggested she put a T shirt under her. 2. Ate whole carton of grapes in sub 5 minutes.
30
67
1K
GB news asked me to be on a panel and of course in the interests of political balance i said hahahahaahahahagaggaahhahahhaahahaahahahahjskskdkskagagahahahahaahhaahha.
12
23
1K
whats twitter for if not to tell everyone you saw a ferret on the tube
30
39
1K
ordered a glass of wine in the new wine bar by my flat and the barman said “would you maybe like rose? This is a very strong red wine”. I am speechless. overwhelming need to prove I can handle it. Going to have to eat the glass.
29
23
1K
if you want to cheer up a sad flatmate but don’t know how, the person I live with just got on all fours and said “would you like to ride me round the flat like a horse” and honestly it worked.
17
37
1K
seen tweets implying creatives reliant on Twitter have been shortsighted and should have built something “real” as if we aren’t all desperately trying to do this in a world where “real” and “not real” art is abysmally underfunded I want to trap my head in a door.
12
97
983
