Are you ready? Lets do this! 🚽 Tweet along to
#Eurovision
in Switzerland.🇨🇭🎤 Follow us for all the latest unverified news! (Not affiliated with wiwibloggs)
🔐 Suzanne Adams reveals she has locked William in the family basement until further notice.
💅 “He can be let out once he learns how to act like a normal person” she said.
🇮🇪 Bambie Thug reveals they’ve spent their time post-Eurovision placing curses on as many conservatives as possible.
💬 “I seek to destroy” they said. “I’ve done around 200 so far.. who’s next?”
🇸🇮 Raiven exclusively reveals there is a Eurovision group chat on WhatsApp, which is still active, for the contestants to keep in touch.
🤲 All of the 2024 artists are members — except for one.
🚫 “I kicked out Eden Golan” she chuckled. “We’ve heard enough!”
🇬🇷 Marina Satti reveals she helped Nemo smuggle the non-binary flag into Malmö arena by hiding it in her boochie.
👨❤️👨 “It’s the least I could do! Fuck the EBU” she commented via Instagram.
🇸🇪 Petra Mede reveals she is homophobic now.
💬 “I looked at Eurovision twitter and quickly changed my mind on a lot of things” she said. “Much to think about!”
🇮🇱 Netta Barzilai reveals she would like to return to Eurovision “in the next few years”.
🌍 “I’ll need a new culture to appropriate though!” she cluckled. “Maybe I’ll do Mexican next time?”
🇳🇱 Joost Klein breaks his silence on the fiasco surrounding his disqualification from the Eurovision 2024 Grand Final.
💬 Speaking to Eurovoix, he said: “At the end of the day, I still achieved my dream and I have amazing fans. Also my cock is massive.”
WE ARE A PARODY ACCOUNT
WE ARE A PARODY ACCOUNT
WE ARE A PARODY ACCOUNT
WE ARE A PARODY ACCOUNT
WE ARE A PARODY ACCOUNT
WE ARE A PARODY ACCOUNT
WE ARE A PARODY ACCOUNT
WE ARE A PARODY ACCOUNT
WE ARE A PARODY ACCOUNT
WE ARE A PARODY ACCOUNT
WE ARE A PARODY ACCOUNT
🚨 The EBU announces no further statements will be released on the issue of Joost Klein’s disqualification.
📣 In a press release, they said: “We don’t give a fuck, okay? Stop asking us about it.”
🎟️ Tickets are now on sale for the 2025 contest with prices raised by 200%!
🇸🇲 1 in 33,600: San Marino’s broadcaster reveals details of new Eurovision selection process!
🗳️ All sammarinese citizens will be entered into a random draw with one lucky winner forced to represent the country in Switzerland.
☹️ “Whether they like it or not”, reportedly.
🇸🇲 The singer has been UNMASKED! It turns out that Fröken Snusk was… Valentina Monetta all along!
💬 “I just want to do Eurovision again! Please!!!” she pleaded.
🇵🇱 Jojo Siwa says she has budgeted $200k to participate in Eurovision, also confirming she has submitted an entry for Poland.
💬 “Most of that is to bribe jurors of course!” she chuckled.
🇬🇧 Liz Truss, the British ex-Prime Minister of 44 days, has accused Joost Klein of “copying [her] style”.
💬 “Do you not have any value or respect for originality?” she accused.
🇱🇹 Monika Liu reflects on her time in Turin, calling Michael Ben David “the most insufferable person” she has “ever met”.
🎤 She added: “I’m more careful now. When I speak for gay rights, I make sure to call out the gay wrongs such as him.”
🇦🇱 Efi Gyika, the Albanian Junior Eurovision star, shares her thoughts on the Russian invasion of Ukraine.
🤷♀️ “Why can’t we just drop nuclear bombs on Putin’s home? We should do it NOW!” she said
🐦 Confirmed! Twitter user
@m2003esc
has reportedly been given a lifetime ban from all future Eurovision events.
💬 “This is a family show and we don’t want to scare children!” the EBU said in a statement.
🇮🇱 Netta weighs in on heavy controversy after Albanian icon Besa admits she “doesn’t even know who she is”
🤬 “Bucka bucka mm me very angry!” she clucked.
🇸🇪 Loreen admits she has no idea how the Eurovision voting system actually works.
⁉️ “Why can’t we just listen to how loud people clap?” she questioned. “Much easier.”
🇦🇱 Besa, Albania’s representative in the recent 2024 contest, tells us what’s on her mind.
🤷🏻♀️ “Not a lot!” she said, “Except how I hate that stupid chicken dance song Toy. Worst winner in Eurovision history.”
🇱🇻 Samanta Tina admits she knew about COVID-19 before most people.
💬 “That’s why I promoted face masks and deep cleaning” she explained. “Mother knows best”
🇨🇿 Aiko spills all in new Česká Televize interview set to air at 7pm CEST tonight.
💬 “What do you think about … Eden Golan?” asks her interviewer. The Pedestal singer responds: “Cow”
🌈 Mae Muller stuns in new tweet!
🏳️⚧️ Eurovision fans call for the robbed icon and LGBTQ+ ally to be awarded an honorary Eurovision trophy for services to dragging terfs and providing bops.
🇮🇱 After failing to win Eurovision 2024 despite attempts to rig the televote, the perennial flop and artistically-averse Eden Golan has been mistaken for a horse and put into a nearby stable.
🐴 According to local media, her neighbours are ashamed and refuse to speak with her.
🇮🇸 Hera Björk releases apology for saying she is “in a lesbian kind of mood today”.
😔 She admits this may be offensive to the LGBT+ community and offered to scissor someone as an apology.
👀 Aftonbladet confirms that “Embers” singer James Newman has submitted an entry for Melodifestivalen 2025!
🇬🇧 “I want to cause Sweden to get nul points for once!” he said. “They deserve it”
🇩🇪 Isaak announces an early retirement from music following a shock 12th place finish in Malmö.
🧠 According to Die Welt, the creatively-challenged 29 year old “cannot be arsed” to find his own artistic identity beyond imitating Lewis Capaldi, so he will instead work at Lidl.
🇦🇹 Kaleen reacts to ‘We Will Rave’ Day failing to give her Spotify chart success:
💬 “Clearly no one is cool and does drugs or raves anymore… bore off!” she said.
🇫🇮 Käärijä reacts to finding out that the next Eurovision in 2025 will be the sixty-ninth edition of the contest.
💬 “69!!!” he sobbed. “That’s CRAZY! I’m so excited”
@eljest_
@Omri_Hochman
Tali is an Israeli-born Jew as well and wasn’t mentioned here….. we stand against antisemitism 🤷🏼♂️ Maybe this is due to Eden’s vibe like all of our other posts🫠
🇷🇺 Julia Samoylova criticises the direction of Eurovision, taking aim at the UK’s Olly Alexander.
🤷♀️ “Okay you’re gay so what? I wanted to see more action, more nudity. More fucking!” she said.
🇮🇪 Bye bye boy! Brooke reveals she would have an abortion if she became pregnant and the baby had straight man genes.
💕 “You serve cunt or you die” she said.
🇦🇹 Teya & Salena have announced their intention to return to the Eurovision Song Contest 2025 in Switzerland!
✍️ While the songwriting process is still underway, we understand the entry will be titled “Who the Fuck Is Eden Golan?”
📣 The EBU releases an official statement today on 18 May 2024:
🫣 “The Honest Vocal Coach has been brought into Malmö for questioning following allegations of jury voter manipulation. There will be no further comment at this time.”
🇪🇸 Spanish entrant Nebulossa has been announced as the actual 5th place at Eurovision 2024.
💬 Speaking to the Swedish tabloid Aftonbladet, the EBU confirmed “Spain was the country who should have received 323 points from the televote. Sorry zorras!”
🇷🇺 EBU announces formal investigation after fans report “ear bleeding” from watching Eurovision videos on YouTube.
📈Those affected all report listening to Julia Samoylova’s semi-final two performance of “I Wont Break” (2018).
🇦🇹 We will slay! Kaleen confirms she is loving life and has been taking Ozempic.
💁♀️ The rave-loving diva cuts sharp and slender figure in new photoshoot:
@eljest_
This is confirmed as 100% accurate by our unreliable reporters who spoke with an unverified third-party source who heard this from another third-party source who cannot vouch for its accuracy 😍
#BelieveJournalists
🇬🇧 James Newman shows off chicken dinner he made himself for supper tonight via Instagram.
💬 “Just how I like it!” he chuckled. “What do you guys think?”
🇮🇸 Hera Björk has requested the EBU change the dates of the Eurovision Final on 17th May as she can’t watch it that day.
💬 “Not ideal for me. Please change.”
🇮🇸 Hera Björk says she understands where gay men are coming from.
💬 “When so many hot hunky daddies exist? Just make sure you leave some for me!” she chuckled.
🚨 BREAKING: Martin Österdahl has officially been FIRED from his role as Executive Supervisor.
💬 An EBU spokesperson said: “We’ve had enough. Martin, you’re good to go!”
🇸🇪 Marcus & Martinus reveal there is actually a THIRD twin, making them triplets:
🌳 “He didn’t serve cunt like us so we abandoned him in a Sami forest” they said.
🇨🇭 Rykka, the Swiss representative in 2016, finally explains the bizarre squatting choreography in her entry “The Last of Our Kind”.
😬 “Really needed a poo to be honest!” she confessed. “Sorry everyone”
🇸🇪 Marcus & Martinus, the heart throb twinks who represented Sweden this year, reveal the secret message behind their song Unforgettable
💢 “It’s about double penetration. We likey likey” they said.
🇮🇸🎤 “I feel it coming”
🤔 Icelandic singer-songwriter and part-time narwhal impersonator Hera Björk announces she will RETURN to Söngvakeppnin 2025 with new song “Euromama”.
💦 According to RÚV, Ms Björk wants to be the first woman to squirt on the Eurovision stage.
🇺🇦 Ukraine’s alyona alyona criticises the audience’s booing of Israel in the Eurovisioon 2024 Grand Final:
💬 “I’m so disappointed in the usually wonderful fans. Boo the bitch and crown the witch? Absolutely. But the booing should have been louder.”
🇮🇱 Kobi Marimi has unfortunately been mistaken for a rock with googly eyes and put in the Eurovision prop bin.
🚮 “So?” commented the EBU in a press release.
🇵🇱 Blanka, the Polish entrant in Eurovision 2023, launches her very own “Bejba” perfume. The product will retail at €39.99 and can be found in all mainstream beauty stores across Europe.
💨 “It smells like pussy and pink farts … it’s kinda krajzeh. Price so low!” she told us.
🇮🇪 Following their success in Malmö, Irish ouija-icon Bambie Thug announces they plan to hex the EBU Executive Supervisor, Martin Osterdähl.
🪄 “You will begin to shart in 2 days” they warned.
🇵🇱 Luna sparks controversy in new Instagram post attacking the EBU’s Executive Supervisor, Martin Österdahl.
💬 “I think he is a disgusting person and very unattractive. Ugly people should not be allowed on TV, he needs to be fired!” she said.
🇺🇸 Kamala Harris, the US Vice President and presumptive Democratic Party nominee, confesses she is a Eurovision “superfan”!
💕 “My favourites are Euphoria and Waterloo!” she cackled. “Hear me out y’all!”
🇨🇭They broke the code! Now following their Eurovision win, Nemo unveils new butt plug sponsorship.
🔌 “Way too small for me personally but perfect for beginners!” they chuckled.
🇮🇱 Eden Golan allegedly sharted herself on stage in the Malmö Arena.
😩 The tone-deaf and turnip-faced diva reportedly received a €500 fine for the incident.
🇳🇴 Still in love with the fairytale? Alexander Rybak threatens to compete in Norway’s Melodi Grand Prix!
💬 The draft entry is titled “That’s How You Write a Song (Part II)” an NRK spokesperson has warned.
🇬🇧 The Honest Vocal Coach looks back on Chanel’s Benidorm Fest performance of SloMo in new YouTube Video.
💬 “I can see her fanny what the fuck!” she gasps at one point.
🌐 A group of Eurovision fans have gathered in protest outside of the EBU’s HQ today.
💬 They demand at least 50% of songs are girlbops in next year’s contest. “More Swedish songwriters!” they also chanted.
🇩🇰 Euro-crush! Reiley reveals he would love to go on a date with 2016 & 2019 Sammarinese representative Serhat.
💬 “Forget Heartstopper. I need that hole-stuffer right now!”